Rent Boy

by James Anthony Ford

  A couple months later and Christmas had past, I was getting the travel bug again. I was feeling pretty good. I got my body back, including my famous abs and looking very healthy. I had my appetite back. In fact I felt great and felt so positive about everything. I was ready for action and that included taking that trip to Fiji and Cairns. So I started to make plans. But there was a slight issue with money. I had available credit on my credit cards but I need cash. So there was only one easy solution for this. I would do one last escort round. Just one more.

  I rang the agency I worked for previously and they were delighted actually that I had returned. They said they would start promoting me in publications and online immediately if I start work straight away. I was keen and raring to go so I did the routine blood test and medical check like we always had to go. It was part of their procedures. The agency did everything by the book and no one was excluded, not even me. So I went to my usual doctor who regularly did my blood tests. She was a lovely doctor, a bit of an Asian beauty and so open minded. I told her about the escort work and that I was getting blood tests for my employer at the agency was she was so cool about it. So I had my blood taken like usual. After she took my blood she said “You probably won’t even need to call and get your results, your blood tests are always really good” “Yeah, I know, I have nothing to worry about, I am always careful, always have been, nothing to worry about, I just have to get the tests done to satisfy my agency, that’s all, so I guess I’ll see you in a few months’ time” I said with confidence. She laughed with an agreed tone and said see you then. Then I left and went home. That was task one completed. Next was to stock up my sex toys, condoms and lube and stuff. I went sex shopping preparing for work.

  Things at work, at the bank that is, was getting a bit hectic so I said to the agency that I would start escort work in a couple of weeks once things quieten down at my day job. They were fine about that and said they will see me then. Even though I was ready to start escort work I was snowed under at my day job and had to get that under control before I start escorting again. I had priorities now. But I think I was also maturing.

  I was just about ready to start back working for the escort agency again until I received a letter in the mail. In fact I was due to start escorting the next day. The letter was from my doctor stating that I need to come in to discuss and ‘abnormality’ in my blood test result. It was stated ‘urgent’. I rang my doctor immediately and they said that I must go in tomorrow to discuss. They would not tell me what the issue was and that they will discuss it with me tomorrow. I thought there could not be anything serious. I was super fit, super healthy. I think it was hypoglycaemia or perhaps it was diabetes or something. There was nothing really wrong. They only say that in the letter to make you come in and pay another doctors bill, that’s all. I kept telling myself there was nothing seriously wrong and not to worry. It was going to be okay.

  The next day I went to my doctor’s office as instructed. Not concerned at all really. I was feeling quite confident. When I got the reception desk the girl on the computer look up my file, and then suddenly had a strange look on her face and then said “James, if you would just like to come with me I will take you to the doctor’s office”. I thought well, I’m detouring past the patient waiting area I must be special. So she sat me down in a doctor’s office but it was not my usual doctor’s office, it was another doctors. She said that my usual doctor is busy with something else at the moment and that another doctor will be discussing with me the issue in a moment. So I sat there feeling a little apprehensive and wondering why all this was happening. Then another female doctor walked in. She introduced herself and explained that my usual doctor sent me here and apologised that she couldn’t talk to me then but would speak to me later. “Do you know why you are here?” the doctor asked. “Well, I assume you are going to tell me that I am hypoglycaemic or something....”I said confidently. “No Jay” she said softly. “The blood test came back and I am sorry to say that.....you are HIV positive” she said with a concerned voice. I refused to believe it. “No, that’s can’t be right, you have me mixed up with someone else!” I gasped. “No, the results are correct James” she replied “NO! they are not!, HIV does not happen to people like me!” I yelled. She gave me a strange look and was about to say something then I screamed “I demand to you re test me, RE TEST ME!, RE TEST ME!....” I screamed. “James, we can re test you but the result will be the same” she said as she maintained composure. I began to shake and felt like my whole world had just paused. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I refuse to believe it. HIV does not happen to people like me. It does not happen to clean people. It is not right, it is false. I just sat there silently for a moment and the doctor started talking about offering me counselling services and medications when required and so on. All I really heard her say was blah, blah, blah. I kept thinking this is a mistake. HIV does not happen to people like me. It can’t. It doesn’t. This is a mistake and I am going to prove them wrong. The doctor scheduled me to come in the next day for a counselling service and to chat to my usual doctor. But right then, I just wanted to go home and be alone.

  I don’t know how I managed to make it home on public transport but I did. I do remember that I was in some sort of bizarre surreal trance and kept bumping into people in the street and not apologising. I was under some kind of spell. It was kind of a weird feeling. But I made it home at last and once I got to my doorstep I struggled to put the key into the keyhole as I was desperate to get inside and hide. I need to get away from the outside world as it was crumbling apart around me. I was terrified. I made inside, finally, closed the door, walked into the middle of the lounge room, fell onto the floor, went into a foetal position and cried and cried and cried for hours and hours on end.

  I did not move from my foetal position on the lounge room floor for several hours. I laid there from about 10 am right through until it was dark. I was frozen solid. My whole world is now on hold. It had paused. My life is over and it’s all my own fault. I deserve to be punished. God had punished me for my debaucheries. This was it. It’s over. The party is over.

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  The next day I went to a counselling session just like the doctor planned for me. My eyes were swollen from the amount of crying I had done the previous day and night. I was seated in a room as soon as I arrived and was greeted by a nice sweet lady. She said she would be my counsellor and asked me how I was feeling. She was very understanding, like she knew the emotional pain I was suffering. I felt comfortable with her. Then my usual doctor arrived. I turned to her and then she gave me a tender hug, like a really caring type of hug. “James, I don’t know what to say, I have to admit that I was shocked to see the results...” “I know, I am still shocked, but I don’t believe it to be true, I just can’t accept it yet” She looked at me with a sincere look of sorrow and care and gave me another hug and left.

  During my counselling session that day I explained that I just cannot accept the fact that I have this disease. I could not even say the words ‘HIV positive’. It just sounded so dirty, so unlike me. I was in complete denial. But I have to admit that the counsellor gave me a lot of information about the treatments and services available for HIV positive people. I was surprised how much support we actually have. I was also surprised that my doctor told me that I do not need to go on medication yet as my t-cells and viral load were excellent and I have nothing to worry about at the moment. Not for a while. It took some of the load off my mind but not totally. It was the fact that I was now carrying this horrible virus. I was a walking time bomb that could infect anyone. I hated that. I wanted the old James back. The one with the hot body and super fit and healthy, that James is the one I wanted. Not the James that is sick with an infectious disease. I felt disabled, like a nobody. My entire world had been torn apart and I went home from the first counselling session thinking why me? Why did this happen to me? How? I don’t re
call any specific event that would have infected me. I had always been safe. Always. But yet, I still contracted it. This all seemed so impossible. I thought HIV does not happen to people like me but guess what? It does. I am not immune, none of us are. But one thing I do know and I had come to realise it. There is one reason for my wild child behaviour during my twenties and early thirties, all that excessive partying, drugs, sex and over indulgence. There was one person responsible for my erratic behaviour and he is the reason why I now have this terminal disease. My stepfather. This is his fault.

  I took a week or so off from work just to think about things and let this major life changing experience sink in. I thought a lot about how I got it and who gave it to me. I racked my brains for hours but I cannot possibly narrow it down to one person. It could have been anyone. Like I said previously, I had always been safe to memory. One thing I do know is that I definitely did not get it from escort work. It must have been after I quite escorting as all my previous tests have been clear. So it was definitely not through escort work. This was my own doing. This was the result of being over sexed and being over the top. During that week where I had to get my future back in focus I called the escort agency and told them that I had a change of heart and that I do not want to continue escort work anymore due to my day job commitments. They were disappointed but never questioned why. They did understand however. So I moved on. That was the end of that opportunity for more cash. I don’t know if you could actually do escort work whilst you are HIV positive but even so it does not seem right to me so I could not possibly do that. It would not be right, so I decided not to continue with it. In fact, I was totally put off sex at that stage.

  It took me a good couple of weeks before I felt like myself again. But no, I did not accept my HIV status, I denied it. I felt fine, great in fact so I could not understand that I was positive with feeling so fit and healthy. But I awoke one morning and decided to just carry on with Life and I went back to work. So this was it. It was just going to be life; or something like it..........

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  Chapter thirteen............The Special Two

  Months roll on. I was still living. Living a normal life really. I went to the gym regularly, ate well and really looked after myself and carried on as if the HIV was a mistake. I was in complete denial. One thing I do remember is that when I returned to work after my diagnosis all my work colleagues said to me that I had returned a changed man. They said comments like “Gee, you really seem like you have a more positive attitude”, or “Jay, you really seem to be more friendly and warm, what happened?” I didn’t realise that I had a more positive attitude but others seemed to notice that my personality had changed. It was like I was really appreciating life more on a sub-conscious level and appreciating others more with open arms. I can’t explain why. Although refused to believe I was positive, there was a part of me saying that I now need to make the best of the rest of my life. I knew I was HIV, but I was trying to push it aside like it was no big deal. In fact, I ignored it.

  I spent alot of time thinking about how I had caught this dirty disease and who was responsible but as there had been so many partners and situations it could have been anyone. I had always practiced safe sex and I don’t use needles, so somewhere along the line, perhaps the condom broke or I had a sore in my mouth or anything really. There was no point in dwelling on it anymore. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Jay, YOU ARE HIV POSITIVE! GET OVER IT! I told myself repeatedly. So I started to do my own research into this illness and decided to start seeing my doctor on a regular basis to monitor my t-cells and viral load. I had to. This was my life, now. This life is now a serious life, there’s no more denying it anymore. I came across some research about the seroconversion illness that HIV people get prior to their diagnosis. It was clear. That really bad flu thing I had months ago. That was it, the seroconversion illness. And thank god I had actually got tested too later to confirm my diagnosis otherwise I would be living with it without knowing. But the more research I did the more depressed I began to feel. I had not told a single person in my life about my HIV. I dared not to. I was embarrassed about it. I was disgusted with myself and I feel as though god has punished me. And why shouldn’t he? Just look at the selfish and stubborn life I had led with debauchery and greed. I deserved it. But I felt dirty. I thought that only dirty people got HIV. Now I was one of them. I felt like I now stick out like a sore thumb in the crowd. I am a nobody. And nobody would even care about me. I had not told even my mum about it yet, I couldn’t. She would just worry too much. It would kill her to see her son with a terminal illness.

  As time went by I lived life as normal as anyone could be. I had not had sex for months. I couldn’t. I felt like as walking disease bomb. But I also felt very lonely. My friends, those friends that I really only associate with in the club scene, they wouldn’t understand. In fact, they would probably disown me if they found out that I was HIV. That’s how superficial they were. I also ignored all of Steve’s calls and text messages. I couldn’t speak to him. I felt ashamed and I just assumed that he would nothing to do with a HIV guy and I could not have the guts to tell him. It killed me to ignore him. Every call from Steve and I didn’t answer I would cry. I was so gutless I could not even tell him what was going on. After a while he stopped calling me and sent me a final text simply saying “Good bye, I miss you though”, I cried myself to sleep in agony. But there was one person who I missed so much. That was Will.

  I couldn’t bear picking up the phone and calling him after the way I had treated him. I missed him so much that I had to call him, even if it was to just say hello. I missed him greatly and had to call him. So I did. He was shocked but over the moon that I had called him out of the blue. I apologised that it had been so long we spoke and he was so understanding that I can’t explain it. I don’t know why and how he could have forgave me. We spoke on the phone for about fifteen or so minutes and I asked him to come over and I would cook dinner for him. He was delighted with that.

  One Saturday night, Will came around to my apartment where I was living in, in Toorak. I made a special effort to make something great. He deserved it. I was so excited to see him and went I heard the knock on the door at 8 o’clock on the dot, I felt nervous. Will has got a reputation for being very prompt. I opened the door and he smiled. He then hugged me and gave me a kiss but I think when he kissed me he though it was going to be a passionate one. So I backed away. He kind of looked at me strange as to why I would back away like that but didn’t say anything. “You look well” he said as he was staring at my chest bulging through my tight bonds t-shirt. “You too” I replied. We both sat down on the couch and took a deep breath each as if we had a lot of catching up to do.

  It didn’t take long after a drink or so that we both started to relax and just chatting away about what we both had been up to and so forth. Then he started to kind of flirt with me by putting his hand on my leg and rubbing it gently. Then he would start kissing the back of my neck and so on. I didn’t want to offend him so I just sat there and just went along with it. Then he tried to kiss me. Then I totally backed off and responded. “Will, I’m sorry....but....I just want to be friends, I hope that’s okay with you”. He looked a bit stunned but said in an understanding voice “Okay, that’s fine, whatever you want, but I can’t help but to resist you”. Then he did it again and tried to kiss me again. “Will!...I mean it!....I just want to remain as friends!” I said in a demanding voice. I think he got the picture that time. He just sort of gave a sarcastic sigh, scratched his head and said “Okay, whatever.....” The mood then suddenly changed. We were no longer lovers and the atmosphere had changed completely. I also knew I had to tell him what was going on. So I said it. “Will, there’s something about me that you should know”. “What, okay, so now I get it! You have a boyfriend! .....is that what it is?” Will said in a sarcastic voice. “No, I’m HIV positiv
e” I immediately replied. The stunned look on his face made his jaw drop. Then he just looked at me with such a caring understanding look that only a best friend could give. Then I broke down into tears. “Oh god” he said “I’m so sorry” he whispered. Then he caressed me into his arms as I was crying my eyes out and stroked my head tenderly as if everything was going to be okay.

  I layed in Wills arms for a few minutes in silence but crying. He didn’t know what to say. I didn’t blame him. I don’t think he saw this bombshell coming. “I just want you to know that you are the only one that knows, you are the only one I trust, I love you a lot, but we must just be friends” I said as I looked at him. “Totally understand” he replied. Then the mood changed a little into a more cheerful mood. “Well, you look great and obviously the gym is doing you good by the look of your biceps” he said with a cute giggle. He was trying to flatter me. It worked. But I felt ugly. I am no longer the hot bodied party boy. I felt very unattractive. I even told him that I felt ugly. “You have to be joking!” he said. “Look at you, you are hot!” he said as he was feeling my bicep. “Will, let’s face it, I am ugly, I know I am, it’s just the reality, I can accept it now” I said with a tear in my eye. “Don’t be silly” he said with his hand on my chest. Then he started to rub his hand. Then once again he tried to kiss me. “Will!” I jumped. “Okay, okay, I get it,.....we are just friends, I’m sorry” he said in a quick response.