Perfect Imperfection

by Jennifer Preston

  “I’ll just go to my room,” Gracie gave Bri a small nod.

  Panicked, Bri tried to stop her. “Wait, Gracie. You don’t have to leave.”

  “Yes, I do,” she replied with an emphatic glance at Cole’s strained face. “I don’t need to be in the middle of whatever it is you two have going on here. Don’t worry; I’ll put my headphones on. You two will have all the privacy you need. Just let me know when it’s safe to come out.”

  “Gracie,” Bri pleaded at her roommate’s retreating form. At least she would’ve been a buffer from Cole’s intensity. Gracie’s door closed, and Bri felt her heart sink. It was just she and Cole alone. This was not an ideal situation, and disquiet bloomed in her belly.

  “So. What do we need to talk about?” She collapsed wearily onto the couch. It hadn’t escaped her notice that she’d willingly let Cole in, after denying Adam that same request just minutes earlier. Refusing to dwell on that disturbing thought, she turned her attention to Cole, waiting.

  He just stood there a moment, his eyes boring into hers like they were trying to see into the very depths of her. He was breathing heavily, and she could see the anger simmering just beneath the surface. She gulped.

  “Why didn’t you tell Adam about us?”

  “What?” she replied, taken aback. That was not what she’d been expecting.

  “The other night, when I overheard you two, he asked if there had been anything between us before, and you told him no. You lied to your fiancée, and I want to know why.” He crossed his arms.

  “That isn’t any of your business,” she replied, her defenses raised. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

  “True,” he nodded. “But it is Adam’s business, and you do have to answer to him. I’m giving you a chance to give me a reasonable explanation why you lied to the man you’re going to marry, before I go enlighten him myself.”

  “You wouldn’t.” She glared at him, trying to suppress the small twinge of fear that shot through her.

  “You may not think that this is something Adam needs to know, but I do. I would like to know that my fiancée has been lying to me, preferably before the ‘I do’s’. He has a right to know.”

  “Oh, how altruistic of you,” she shot back, her eyes narrowing. “You can’t expect me to believe that you’re so concerned about Adam all of a sudden.”

  “I don’t give a shit about Adam,” he interjected heatedly. “This isn’t about him. This is about you, and your damned stubborn refusal to acknowledge the truth.”

  “Oh?” she scoffed. “And what truth would that be?”

  “You are still in love with me.”

  She sucked in a breath. His eyes dared her to deny it, but she couldn’t seem to form the words.

  “The reason you didn’t tell Adam about us,” he continued, “is because you’re afraid that if he knew, he’d see right through you. He’d see your deep and potent feelings for me, and realize that you’ve never felt that way about him. Because you haven’t, have you, Bri?”

  “How dare you?” She jumped off the couch, no longer able to contain her angry energy. “You don’t get to come in here and start throwing accusations at me. Not only are they unfounded, they’re completely insane!”

  “Really?” he lifted an eyebrow at her. “Tell me I’m wrong then. Tell me the reason that you’re so reluctant and afraid to marry him doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that you still love me.”

  “I don’t,” she made herself say, tossing her head defiantly.

  “Liar.” He stepped right into her, so close that she could feel his breath, coming fast and heavy, on her cheeks. “You’ve gotten really good at lying to everyone around you, including yourself. I almost believe that you mean that. But I know better.”

  His eyes bore into hers. She stood paralyzed, and her breath caught as those gray eyes held her captive. Her heart began pounding, and a jolt of excitement shot through her as he leaned closer, his lips slowly inching towards hers. Her eyes dropped to those lips, and she suddenly wanted nothing more than to feel them- all over her. The desire and the pull between them was so strong, she felt herself arching into him, her body readying to fit itself to his. She had one moment of radiant anticipation and joy, before reality caved in on her.

  Shocked, and not a little disappointed, her eyes jumped to his and she jerked back away from him. “What are you doing?” she panted, panic building up inside her at what she’d almost done.

  Sighing, Cole dropped his head for a moment, his own disappointment obvious on his face. Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself before meeting her eyes again.

  “I love you, Bri.” His eyes pleaded with her, begging her to accept him. “And I don’t mean that shallow paroxysm of love you think you feel for your fiancée. I love you with everything I am. My heart aches for you. My body burns for you. My lungs breathe your name, and a tiny piece of me dies every minute we’re apart. I love you, Bri,” he repeated emphatically. “I want you. Forever. I want to wake up every morning next to you. I want to show you everyday how much you mean to me. I want to marry you, start a family with you, and grow old with you. And I want to live out the rest of my days knowing that you feel the same about me. Tell me you don’t want that too.”

  Still reeling from the rush of emotion, it took her a minute to clear her head. His words struck a cord of longing inside her, and she couldn’t deny that she wanted that future he was offering. It was all she’d ever wanted. But, that future had been ripped away from her, destroyed by Cole’s own selfishness and vindictiveness. Could she really trust that he wouldn’t hurt her again?

  She looked up into his gray eyes, searching their depths for an answer.

  “I can’t,” she whispered. “I can’t do this.” His face fell, but she persisted. “I love you,” she admitted honestly. “I love you so much it hurts, and sometimes I hate that I love you. You’re always there, in the back of my heart, and no one has ever come close to comparing to you. But don’t you see, we need more to build a relationship on, to build a future on. We need more than just love.”

  “You’re scared,” he shook his head. “You’re frightened that we might actually make this work, and you’re pushing me away.”

  “You’re right, you do scare me.” She pinned him with her eyes. “No one has the ability to hurt me like you do, and I can’t go through that again, Cole. I can’t. I know you’re not that person anymore, I know you’ve changed. We both have. But I can’t put myself back into a position where you can hurt me again.”

  “You think you’re the only one who’s been hurt here? Who’d been wronged?” He glared at her, and she saw all the pain she’d caused him reflected there. Shamed, she dropped her eyes. He was right; she wasn’t the only casualty here.

  “You nearly destroyed me when you ran away from the hotel that night. I ran after you, I tried to find you, but I quickly realized you didn’t want to be found, and I knew what that meant. I swear I died right there. You shattered my heart, and the rest of me, into a million jagged pieces that never fit right again, no matter how hard I tried to piece them back together. I was so lost, I didn’t even know which way was up anymore. I couldn’t function. I may as well have been dead, and believe me, there were a few times when I wished I was.”

  Her head shot up at this, and she looked at him horrified. She hadn’t known it had been that bad.

  “Then I had my accident,” he continued, holding her gaze. “And if you’d almost destroyed me before, you completely devastated me when you left me there in the hospital. I needed you, more than anyone else, and you left me. You walked out without a backward glance. You don’t think that hurt? You don’t think I felt betrayed and angry? Like I’d never be whole, physically or emotionally, again? All of those things, everything that you have felt, I felt, too. I was in hell, Bri. Do you know what it was like for me? To have the life I knew ripped away from me? I had nothing. I had to freaking learn how to walk again. Do you know what that’s like? Months of
physical, mental, and emotional anguish, made worse because I knew that you had come, and then just abandoned me. Do you realize you’ve never even apologized? For any of it. I told you how wrong I was, how sorry I was for hurting you, over and over. I begged your forgiveness, and you have never even said you’re sorry.”

  “Is that what you want, an apology?” Her guilt and shame made her belligerent, but they didn’t stop the truth from flowing out. “Here you go… I’m sorry. I was wrong. I’m a horrible, selfish, despicable person who couldn’t be who you needed me to be. I did you a favor by walking away because you deserve someone who won’t hurt you the way I did. Is that what you’ve been wanting to hear?”

  “Bri.” He shook his head, exasperated. “I don’t need an apology from you, that’s not what this is even about. I just want… I don’t know, for us to be even. We both were wrong. We both were horrible people. We both hurt each other. Can we finally put all of this behind us?” He took both her hands and held them tightly. “Can we forgive each other? Please?”

  Bri looked at him, those beautiful gray eyes tugging at her heart. The sting of his betrayal had faded with time, as had the pain and devastation, but she’d been unable, or unwilling, to absolve him of his sins. Forgiveness wasn’t something she’d planned on granting him. But as she looked at Cole, her own sins just laid at her feet, she realized what a fool she’d been. Holding onto her bitterness and anger had only hurt her. It had kept her from doing what she’d longed to do: move on. Her refusal to forgive Cole had kept him a part of her life, despite her best efforts to expunge him.

  It all made sense now. This was why she’d been unable to get over Cole. Her anger had kept him tethered to her. If she let go of that anger, she would be free of him. This was the closure she’d been seeking.

  She squeezed his hands and nodded. “Yes. I forgive you,” she said, finally meaning it.

  Bri felt something dark and heavy that had been with her for so long she didn’t even realize it was there anymore, lift off her chest. She took what felt like her first full breath in years, and marveled at the feeling of peace that suffused her. She felt like a new person. Or more accurately, more like the person she’d been before she let her anger corrode her.

  Cole seemed to be going through something similar. His eyes closed in relief, and he let out a deep breath. She could practically see the weight of his guilt and shame rising from off his shoulders, and her heart clenched. She had denied him this release for so long, because of her pride. How much suffering could she have prevented if she hadn’t been so stubborn? Looking at Cole now, she felt regret for what might have been.

  Cole didn’t seem to be feeling anything but relieved joy. Bringing her hands up to his lips, he kissed them. He opened his eyes and looked at her, a slight smile on his face.

  “Thank you. I forgive you, too. With all my heart.” He reached up and gently stroked her cheek. “So, do you think that we can give this another shot?”

  Dread seeped through her, ice cold in her veins, and she stiffened. Slowly, she stepped back.

  “No, Cole. I forgive you, but this doesn’t change anything.”

  A cold, dead look filled his eyes, and she shivered.

  “You’re still going to marry Adam.” It wasn’t a question.

  “Yes,” she replied.

  “Why?” he demanded. “You don’t love him.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “You may love him, but you aren’t in love with him,” he pushed. “There’s a difference.”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Like hell it doesn’t matter!” His icy calm cracked, and his frustration boiled up. “Why would you marry someone you aren’t in love with? That is insane.”

  “It may be insane,” her anger rose to meet his, “but at least I know that he won’t ever hurt me.”

  “Of course he won’t hurt you. He can’t. You don’t feel enough for him to be able to break your heart. Why? Why would you settle for that kind of life?”

  “I’m not settling!”

  “Yes, you are. You’re choosing the safe road. You’re taking the easy way. You know your heart is perfectly safe with Adam because he has no claim on it. Yet, you continue to push me away because you’re too afraid.” He raked his hands through his hair. “Can’t you see how ridiculous you’re being? I love you, Bri. I am in love with you. After everything between us, and all the time that has passed, you are the only one I see, the only one I want. I can’t imagine a life without you, and it freaking kills me to see you with someone else. It kills me to see you throw away your chance to be truly happy.”

  “Adam makes me happy,” she tried to protest.

  “No, Adam makes you comfortable,” he shot back. “There is a big difference. And that difference will be what will eventually tear you two apart. You may not see it now, but it will. He will bore you. You’re a fighter, Bri. You need someone who will challenge you, who will push you out of that little box that you like your world to fit into. Someone who will pull you out of your tunnel vision and make you see other options. You need someone who will stimulate new thoughts and ideas, not someone who will just agree with you and defer to you all the time. You’ll suffocate like that. You’ll whither and fade until there’s nothing left of your bright, beautiful spirit. Is that really the kind of life you want?”

  She opened her mouth automatically to dispute him, but nothing came out. As angry as it made her, he might have a point.

  “It’s not fair to him, you know.”

  “What?” she stiffened.

  “What you’re doing to Adam. Letting him think that you love him, that you want to marry him and spend the rest of your life with him, when you don’t. Love isn’t a decision you make with your head; you make it with your heart. And it’s not always logical, or easy, or convenient, or comfortable, but it’s true. If your heart isn’t in it, it isn’t real. And this thing with Adam, it isn’t real. He deserves to be more that just the fall back guy, the compromise in your life. He deserves someone who will love and cherish him as much as he will you. If you aren’t able to give him that, if you can’t give him your heart and soul, you should let him go.”

  Bri took a shocked step away from him, disturbed by his perceptiveness.

  “You don’t know anything about it, so you should keep your damned opinions to yourself,” she spat. “It’s none of your business anyway.”

  “You’re right,” he shook his head. “You aren’t my business anymore, and that kills me. All I want in this whole damn world is to hold you again, to feel you in my arms and hear you tell me you love me, and know that I won’t ever have to live without you again. But, you are going to give that gift to someone else, and that kills me most of all.”

  His eyes bore into her, shining with tears that he wouldn’t let fall, and she suddenly couldn’t breath. The weight of his confession, of his emotions threatened to suffocate her.

  “Cole,” she began, but he shook his head.

  “Is there anything I can say to change your mind?” But he already knew the answer to that. She could see it on his face.

  “No. It’s the best thing for all of us. You’ll see it one day, and you’ll thank me for setting you free.”

  “But what if I don’t want to be set free?” he turned to her. “I love you, Bri. And I will spend the rest of my days proving to you just how much. Please let me. We can make it, I know we can.”

  “Maybe if this was a fairy tale,” she smiled sadly. “But it’s not. This is reality, and unfortunately, sometimes love isn’t enough.”

  “You don’t really believe that,” he ground out, shaking his head.

  “Maybe I do,” she replied softly. Her eyes filled, and she felt tears sliding down her cheeks. “I love you, Cole. I will always love you.”

  “But?” he choked.

  “But I’m going to marry Adam.” The words tasted sour on her tongue.

  His eyes shuttered, and she felt a chasm open up between them as he withdrew. His
features smoothed into a blank mask, hiding everything he was feeling.

  Bri felt her heart plummet to the floor, but she didn’t stop him as he moved to the door. He paused, hand on the knob, and turned back to her.

  “I would wish you happiness, but I know you won’t find it. I hope you’ll realize that before it’s too late.” And with that, he shut the door behind him.

  Bri felt the slamming of that door reverberate through her soul. Tears began falling unbidden down her cheeks and she collapsed onto the couch. A hollow pit opened in her stomach and she doubled over in pain.

  She knew what her body wanted. She knew what her heart wanted. But her brain kept flashing danger signs at her. Cole would only hurt her again. Adam was the smart choice, the safe choice, no matter how much her heart cried out otherwise.

  Bri was surprised to feel a pair of warm arms slide around her. Startled, she looked up to find Gracie smiling sadly at her. Gracie squeezed, tucking her brown head into Bri’s shoulder, and just held her as Bri began crying in earnest. Distant, aloof Gracie was comforting her. The idea would have been laughable if Bri wasn’t seeing it for herself.

  Gracie didn’t speak, didn’t offer any empty words of consolation or false promises, but the solid comfort of her presence was exactly what Bri needed as her heart bled from her chest and spilled onto the floor at her feet.

  Chapter 23

  Bri was living in a dull, dark haze. She had withdrawn from everyone around her, Adam included- much to his anger and bewilderment, and had holed herself up in her room to brood. She could be honest enough with herself to admit that she was depressed, but she could also be honest enough to admit that she didn’t care. The thought of pulling herself out of bed and facing her life and all its decisions and consequences was more than she could handle. So, she avoided it as best she could.

  The only thing that finally roused her from her stupor was the arrival of her family for her graduation. Her dad, Summer, and the twins had come out to spend a week in New York, and to attend her graduation ceremony at Columbia. She was surprised to learn that her Aunt Rachel and her cousin Carly had also come along. They had come mostly for a semi-free vacation to New York, Bri’s dad was paying for their hotel room and probably most of their meals, but it was still a nice gesture. As her family arrived at her door, Bri was in no way prepared for the alteration that had come over her cousin in the few years since she’d seen her last. Bri hardly recognized her.