Losing a Piece of Me

by K. B. Andrews

  I wrap my arms around her and put her in my truck, leaving my dad gasping and stunned on the ground as I jump into the driver’s seat and speed off.

  “It was him, wasn’t it?” I ask after parking in our old make-out spot.

  She doesn’t say anything, but gives a small nod.

  I punch my steering wheel. “What did he threaten you with?”

  “Striker, I…”

  “Don’t.” I shake my head. “Don’t lie. Just tell me.”

  She covers her face and cries into her hands.

  Some of the anger leaves me, replaced by sympathy.

  “Please, just tell me. What did he do?”

  “I can’t. You will hate me, too.”

  I get out of the truck and walk around to her door, pulling it open and holding her tight to me.

  “I can never hate you. It doesn’t matter what you say to me right now, I will still be here. It’s only you and me. Remember?”

  She pushes against my chest until I release her. She turns toward me, sitting on the edge of the seat with her legs hanging outside the truck. “He knows.”

  “Knows what, Lex.”

  “About my dad…” She takes a deep breath. “And your mom.”

  “I know he knows about that. He’s the one who told me. That’s why he doesn’t like you, he blames you for your dad’s mistakes.”

  Her jaw drops in surprise. “You knew?”

  “Yeah, I knew as soon as it happened. Is this why you left? You thought I would blame you for what your dad did?”

  “He got her pregnant, Striker.”

  What? I take a step back. The anger that had evaporated earlier returns, stronger now. It builds and builds until I can’t contain it. I punch the side of my truck, leaving behind my knuckle prints.

  “He got her pregnant and when she refused to abort the baby, he paid her to take it and leave, to never come back. My dad is the reason your mom left you. It’s all his fault and your dad was going to make sure my mom found out. She would’ve left him. My family, it would be ruined. I couldn’t let that happen, Striker. I’m so sorry. I just did what I thought I had to.” She starts crying again, but I don’t move to comfort her. I can’t.

  Lex’s dad got my mom pregnant? She chose money and her new baby over me? She left me at his mercy, to get beaten and abused, all so she could start over with her golden child? How could she fucking do that? I wasn’t fucking good enough for my own mother?

  My thoughts and eyesight blur and fade out into a red haze of hatred. Not for my father this time, or even Lex’s dad, but for my mom. My own mother who chose to abandon me.

  Why am I never good enough for anyone? Not my dad, not Lex’s parents, and now not even my mom.

  I pace back and forth, chest rising and falling rapidly and erratically. Try as I might, my lungs can’t seem to fill up enough to calm my racing heart.

  I storm up to Lex, turn her around in her seat, and slam her door closed, then take my place behind the wheel and floor the accelerator.

  “Striker, please talk to me.”

  “I can't believe you kept this from me. I wouldn't ever keep a secret like this from you.” I'm angry and even though I know Lex isn't to blame for her father’s actions, I can still fault her for keeping it from me.

  I could handle my mom leaving. I just assumed that she finally had enough of my dad and he wouldn't let her take me away from him. But knowing that she didn't even try, that she just left me so she could keep her bastard child, that’s too much for my overworked mind to cope with.

  “I didn't want you to hate me too. I couldn't have survived it. Without you, I was alone. I needed you to love me.”

  “Don't you fucking get it?” I look at her but her walls are coming up fast. “I'm not mad that your dad took my mom away from me, leaving me to be abused. That wasn't your fault. I'm fucking mad because you didn't tell me. How could you keep something like this from me?”

  I drive by the bar, stopping the truck to peek inside. My dad is gone but Jeff is still there. I throw the shifter into park and wait for her to get the hint and get out.

  “You didn't tell me that you knew about my dad and your mom either, Striker. I'm sorry, by the time I found out, your dad was using it against me.”

  “Please, just get out. I need some time alone to think.”

  “No, I'm not getting out.”

  I look at her, dumbfounded. Is she fucking serious?

  “Promise me you won't do something stupid. You've already stirred enough shit tonight. I'll be lucky if your dad keeps his fucking mouth shut after what happened.”

  I can't promise her that, because the first thing I'm going to do is go after him. He deserves what's coming to him.

  “Get out, Lex!”

  “No!”

  I throw my seatbelt off and walk to her side, dragging her kicking and screaming out of the truck. I carry her over my shoulder into the smoky building. She fights me with all her might the entire way, but her hundred-pound frame doesn’t stand a chance against me.

  I carry her up the bar and stand her up next to Jeff. “Take her home and keep her there. She doesn't need to see what I'm about to do.” I point at her.

  Jeff doesn't argue. He wraps his arms around her, holding her back so I can leave, alone.

  I make the drive to my dad’s house. The front door is standing open with the screen door closed. I storm in. He's sitting in his lounge chair, beer in hand. The blood on his face has dried, but he hasn't attempted to clean it off. He sees me standing at the door but doesn’t budge, other than to raise the bottle of beer to his lips, eyes locked on mine.

  I want to hear him say it. I take a seat on the couch next to him and try to compose myself.

  “So are you going to admit it?”

  "Admit what?"

  “What you did!” I yell.

  A grin pulls at his lips. “You're going to have to refresh my memory. I've done a lot of things.”

  My body aches to reach out and punch the bastard, but I know if I do that I won’t get any of the answers I want. I take a long, slow breath.

  “Do you hate me that fucking much? My life wasn't shitty enough so you had to go and take away the one person I loved? The one person in this whole fucking world who loved me back?”

  “That bitch didn't love you! She was slumming. You and I both fucking know it, I think it's about time you admitted that to yourself. She was using you to piss off her mommy and daddy.”

  I run my hand through my hair. “What did you do? Tell her if she didn't leave me that you were going to expose him to her mom?”

  He shrugs. "Something like that. That bitch was just going to ruin your life. I saved you, you ungrateful little shit!"

  I laugh. “You saved me?” I stand and smack the beer bottle out of his hand. It flies through the air and hits the wall.

  He stands and puffs out his chest. “You want the truth?”

  “That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

  A menacing laugh rumbles throughout the room, as if he knows what he is about to tell me will wreck me.

  Chapter 15

  Jeff puts me in his car and drives us back to my parents’ house. When we pull up, I try running. I need to get to Striker before he goes after his dad.

  I don’t want him starting any more trouble with him, and I don’t want Ken to spill my family secret. It would ruin my father. It would kill my mom, and my sister doesn’t deserve any of this right now. It’s not as bad now that we’ve grown up - at least we won’t have to choose who we’re going to live with - but this weekend? The weekend of my sister’s wedding?

  Jeff catches me trying to run and snags his strong arms around my waist. He walks me up to my room and sets me down the bed, leveling his eyes with mine. “I don’t know what’s going on, but you need to stay here. I’m going to sit right outside that door to make sure of it.”

  “You don’t understand, Jeff. I need to get to him.”

  “Why?”

  “Beca
use he’s going to fuck everything up. He’s going to go after his dad and he doesn’t know everything. He needs to hear it from me, not from him.”

  “What are you talking about, Alex?”

  I can’t stay at this party. I have to get out.

  I sneak up to my room and climb out my window.

  I have to find Striker and tell him. We could leave tonight. I know he will be up for it. He’s been waiting for this day for over a year.

  I make the walk to his house, but his truck isn’t here.

  I don’t want to ask Ken, but I have to find him.

  I knock on the door.

  “What?” Ken yells from inside.

  I open the door and step inside, letting it slam behind me. “Do you know where Striker is? I really need to talk to him.”

  “I told you to stay away from my son, didn’t I?”

  I don’t have time for this shit tonight. “I have to go.” I turn for the door, but Ken grabs me and lifts me off my feet, setting me down on the opposite side of the room with his body directly between me and the door.

  “You’re going to listen to me this time.” He points his finger in my face. “You will stay away from my son, do you understand?”

  Riding a surge of bravery, I say, “You can’t stop shit. He’s eighteen and so am I. We’re leaving and there’s nothing you can do about it.” I raise my chin and straighten my back.

  Something flashes in his eyes and he pulls his hand back to slap me. I flinch and raise my arms protectively in front of my stomach to shield the tiny baby inside that only Gemma knows about.

  He stops, suddenly knowing. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

  I don’t talk, I don’t do anything, because he knows. Striker doesn’t even know yet.

  He drops his hand and starts pacing in front of me. “He knocked you up, didn’t he?”

  My eyes fall to the floor. I don’t want to tell him anything. He doesn’t have any right to know.

  He lets out a laugh. “You fucking whore.” He shakes his head while continuing to pace. “What is it with your fucking family? Huh? You take Striker and your dad takes Kate.”

  Wait. What? “My dad did what?”

  He stops in front of me. “What? You don’t know?”

  I don’t budge.

  “Your daddy and my wife had been having an affair. He knocked her up too. When she refused to get rid of it, he paid her to take that baby and stay out of his life. That’s why my wife left. And now here you are, trying to take my son? Trying to tie him down with a kid?” His pacing starts back up while he shakes his head at me.

  “Does Striker know?”

  I take a silent step back.

  “He doesn’t, does he?”

  My lips press tight together, but he can read the answer written all over my face.

  “This is how this is going to go.” He stops again, making sure my eyes are on him, and points his finger at me. “You leave. You get far away from here and you get rid of that fucking kid before you ruin my son’s life.”

  “No, you can’t make me do that!”

  He smiles. “I’m guessing that if you didn’t know about the affair, your mother doesn’t either.” He doesn’t have to say it, but I understand the threat he’s presenting me with.

  “Stay away from my son or I’ll make sure they all know. Wouldn’t that be the talk of the town?” He shoots me a cocky grin that highlights his double chin. “Everyone will be talking about how the hotshot lawyer that runs this town fucked up. I bet Mommy-Dearest will love that. Tell me, how well will she take it when she knows she’s the talk of the town? Do you think she will leave your dad? If she does, where will you end up?” He laughs again, knowing he’s getting to me.

  My eyes tear up. Leave Striker? Can I do that?

  I have to, I can’t let my family get ruined.

  “Leave, get rid of that fucking kid, and stay the fuck away from my son. He’s mine. Understand?”

  I shake my head as my eyes finally fill with tears that overflow and roll down my cheeks.

  He steps out of my way and I rush to the door.

  “Oh, you better be gone by morning or the whole town will know. Don’t see my son, don’t say goodbye to my son. Just leave.”

  I push past him, through the door, and walk home. My mother pounces on me as soon as the door opens, chewing me out for leaving my own party. I ignore her and go straight to my room. I don’t turn on the light. Making my way through the dark to the window, I glance down to the back yard. There he is, waiting for me. I should’ve known.

  All I want to do is to go to him, but I can’t. Not unless I want to ruin my family. If that secret comes out, Striker will hate me. It was my father that did this to him.

  I fall into bed and cry myself to sleep.

  I have to tell him. I have to get to him. “Please, Jeff. You can take me yourself. It won’t take long. I just have to be the one to tell him.” My eyes are red and puffy with tears after reliving the memory of that night.

  “Fine. Let’s go.”

  Jeff reluctantly drives me to Striker’s house. I pound on the door for a good five minutes, but he doesn’t answer.

  “Go to Ken’s house.”

  I give him directions and we pull up a few minutes later. The house is dark and Striker’s truck isn’t here. We drive around town and by the bar, but find no sign of him anywhere.

  Midnight rolls around, and we finally give up and go home.

  I crash into bed. Why can’t I find him? Does he know? Did Ken tell him the rest of the story? If he did, he’s going to hate me for sure now.

  I wake several times through the night and check my cell phone, hoping for a missed call or text notification. Nothing. Every time I attempt to call him, I am sent straight to his voicemail. The things I need to tell him have to be said in person, not over the phone. I set my phone down and force myself to go back to sleep.

  The next morning, Jeff wakes me by jumping on my bed. “Today’s the big day! Are you ready to be on my arm all night?” He flashes me a grin and winks.

  “Go away. I’m tired.” I roll over and pull the blanket over my head.

  He reaches under the blanket and grabs my ankles, pulling me from under the blankets. I land on my ass at the foot of the bed.

  “Don’t tell me you stayed up crying all night over his ass.” He has his arms crossed over his chest, staring me down.

  “You don’t understand.”

  “Then tell me.” He shrugs and sits on the bed next to me.

  “I can’t. I need to tell Striker.”

  “Well, he’s not here and if I know you at all, you’ve made several attempts to contact him by now. Looks like I’m all you got.”

  “It doesn’t work that way. I can’t tell anyone. This is between me and him.”

  “Can’t say I didn’t try.” He stands and crosses the room, pausing for a moment at the door before turning back to me. “You need to pull yourself together, get a shower, and plaster on that fake smile you’re so good at pulling off. This is your sister’s wedding day. Now, get up and fake it.” He walks out the door and closes it gently behind him.

  He’s right. I can’t fall apart right now. I will tell Striker when I see him. That’s all I can do.

  I force myself off the floor and get into the shower.

  The day is spent in a daze running around and doing errands for my sister, but I still nervously check my phone every few minutes. Still nothing from Striker.

  A painful lump has grown overnight in my chest, born from my worsening anxiety about the whole situation. I know now, his dad must have told him the whole story. No way could he still be pissed off that I didn’t tell him about his mother’s pregnancy.

  He’s pissed about mine. My pregnancy that ended much too soon.

  Smoke from my fifth cigarette in an hour rises wispily in front of the church doors to be shredded by the wind. My eyes are glued to the screen of my phone.

  Just call, text, do something
, Striker. Fuck!

  I just need everything off my chest.

  Finally, the secret that has grown to be a part of me has outgrown its home. It’s stretched me from the inside out. It has fed on pieces of me for years, slowly stealing everything. Relationships, love, family, everything stolen by a single secret. I want rid of it.

  I built walls within myself to hold it down, to keep it locked up tight so nobody would see, but that ugly little secret took root and grew until it loomed high over the walls I built. It busted effortlessly through my brick walls and didn’t stop there.

  “Alex,” Jeff says, getting my attention.

  I turn and look at him, dressed in a nice black suit with a white dress shirt and blue tie.

  “It’s time, come on.” He holds out his hand for me.

  I flick my cigarette into the road and take his hand.

  We take our seats in the pews and I lean into his side for support. This secret is heavy, so heavy that it’s weight has transcended into reality and now physically weighs me down.

  The congregation stands, signaled by notes spewing from the organ at the front of the church. My sister enters through the ornate double doors with my father on her arm. The music plays softly in the background and even though I know all eyes are on her, it feels like they are all on me. As if everyone can finally see the liar I am.

  The wedding goes smoothly. With my mother running the show, there isn’t a chance anyone will fuck up. Nobody wants to be on her bad side.

  The reception starts up at the country club and I suck down two glasses of wine. Still, my phone is in my hand waiting for the call from Striker that never comes.

  Jeff must feel bad for me, because he takes me by the hand and leads me to the dance floor. He pulls me against his chest and locks eyes with mine. “Still no word?”

  I shake my head, unable to produce words.

  He lets out a sigh and shakes his head. “When are you going to see that all this guy wants is to hurt you? You deserve more than him.”

  “That’s not it, Jeff. I had to break some pretty tough news to him last night. And if Ken told him what I think he said, he’s hurting right now, more than anyone could imagine.”