Losing a Piece of Me

by K. B. Andrews

  “You still deserve more.”

  My feet stop moving. Why does everyone say this to me? What is so wrong with Striker? He’s a good man, nobody knows him like I do.

  I pull away and make my way toward the exit. I need another cigarette.

  He chases after me into the parking lot.

  “I’m sorry, Alex, but it’s true. You know it, your mother knows it, and I know it.”

  I stop on the sidewalk and pull a cigarette from my clutch, lighting it before turning to face him.

  “Okay, Jeff. Who do I deserve then?”

  He slides his hands into his pockets and shrugs. “Me.”

  I feel my shoulders slump. No, please, no.

  He closes the space between us in one long stride and pulls me against him. His hands are on my cheeks, forcing me to look at him.

  “Where’s he at, huh? He’s not here. He left you, hurting. He hasn’t called or even let you know that he’s okay. I’m here. I came here for you.”

  His words almost shock me. We’re friends, that’s what friends do: they do things for one another. I can’t speak, I can’t move, I can’t process what he’s saying.

  “Let her go,” a husky voice drawls from behind him.

  Jeff takes a long breath and releases me. He turns around to face Striker. “Why don’t you just go back to wherever you’ve been all day?” He turns back to me and reaches for my hand.

  “You fucking touch her again and you won’t have a hand.” Striker quickly walks up and takes the hand Jeff was reaching for.

  He doesn’t look at me yet, he’s too busy staring Jeff down.

  Jeff’s eyes flash from me to Striker. A cocky grin covers his face before he rubs his jaw, mulling it over. “Fine.” He holds his hands in the air. “This is what you want, Alex?” He backsteps. “You want this worthless asshole? Knock yourself out, but I won’t be around to watch it.” He turns and walks toward his car in the parking lot.

  Striker and I stand, motionless, until Jeff’s headlights fade away into the night.

  Striker doesn’t say a word. He just pulls me into the parking lot, weaving through the rows of fancy cars.

  When we reach his truck, he opens the passenger side door and waits, still not looking at me.

  I take a long breath, but climb into my seat. He closes the door behind me hard and walks around to the driver’s seat, then starts the truck and drives back to where we were last night. Our spot. Well, technically not only our spot, since every horny teenager has come here at one time or another.

  It’s a romantic spot, overlooking the lake. We may even be in the exact same spot where we had our first kiss before letting Barney’s brand new police cruiser roll into the water. The memory brings a faint smile to my lips.

  “How could you?” His voice is pained and raw, as if he’s done nothing but cry or scream for hours.

  I tear my eyes away from the water and look at the pained expression covering his face. His brows are pulled together, causing wrinkles to form around his bloodshot eyes. He’s sitting up straight as a statue, his back and shoulders are tense and hard as stone.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to hate me. I thought that if I told you about my dad and your mom, that your hate for him would rub off on me. I’m so sorry, Striker.”

  “That’s not what I mean.” His head dips forward and he rubs his brows with one hand, wishing away the stress of everything.

  “When I left you at the bar last night, I went to see my dad. He told everything, and I do mean everything.”

  I freeze. He knows about the pregnancy.

  Fuck, what am I going to do? How can I make up for this?

  Tears flood my eyes and I nod, understanding his underlined message.

  “He told you about my pregnancy?”

  He inhales, holds his breath for a few seconds, and lets the breath go. It’s quiet, but it speaks volumes to me.

  “I’m sorry,” I cry out. The tears won’t stop coming. Sobs wrack my body despite my strongest attempts to restrain them. My chest hurts and my throat is tight from trying to contain it all – the anger, the fear, the sadness, and the pain. I remember everything like it was yesterday.

  “How?” he yells.

  I take a calming breath and dry my tears. I need my walls one last time. I’m going to bare myself to him, and I can’t let his reaction hurt me. It will wreck me. It will break me. It’s time I give up another piece of myself and tell him about my pregnancy.

  Chapter 16

  “She was only going to use that kid against you. I told her if she didn’t leave and get rid of that kid, I would tell her father’s secret. I saved you from a lifetime of raising a bastard kid that probably wasn’t even yours to begin with.”

  I make him tell me the whole story. Everything from finding out about mom and Lex’s dad, to why mom left, to what he did to Lex. Everything he tells me, she has already told me. Until he says she was pregnant.

  When he says this, my whole body goes weak and I collapse onto the couch. So many emotions erupt inside of my head, twisting and turning and melting together into even more painful combinations, that my body and mind shut down. All thoughts of beating his ass vanish.

  Lex was pregnant with my baby. He manipulated her to get rid of it.

  I shake my head, trying to clear it.

  “She was just a whore, son. When are you going to see that? She used you to get back at her parents. When she got pregnant, she was going to make you pay for the rest of your life. I knew that I had to make her leave.”

  I shove up from the couch and grab him by the front of his shirt, pushing him against the wall.

  “Who gave you that fucking right?” Our noses are inches apart, and his breath is hot on my face. My chest is heaving, my blood is boiling, and my fist is twitching from trying to hold back the punches he deserves.

  He’s sees that I’m serious now. He’s not the tough man who beat me. He’s not my father. He’s the man that stole my family. His eyes widen with fear and his body begins lightly quivering. “I’m sorry, I was just trying to hel-”

  I shut him up with a hit to the nose, spraying blood across the wall and on the floor around his feet.

  “Don’t you fucking dare say help. You’ve never helped me a day in my fucking life. All you’ve ever done is take. You took my childhood; you took pieces of me every time you laid a hand on me and now you’re telling me you took my family? You call that helping?” I pull my fist back again and bury it in his gut.

  He doubles over and sinks to the floor.

  I jump down on top of him and pull back my fist, ready to deliver one swift, final blow and knock his ass out.

  Something flashes in his eyes, fear. For once, he’s scared of me.

  “You’re not even fucking worth it.” I stand and deliver a strong kick to his side before leaving the house for good.

  That man in there, he’s not my father. He’s dead to me.

  I want Lex. I want to apologize for getting angry at her. I want to tell her I’m sorry for being a dick all this time about keeping this secret from me. She was right, I didn’t know the position she was in. She was only trying to protect me from the truth because I’m not strong enough to handle it.

  She thinks she’s weak for running and staying away, but she’s not. She’s fucking strong. She took all this on, all on her own. I fucking hate myself for treating her the way I did.

  I need Lex, but first, I need to get my shit straight. I can’t go home, it’s too quiet there. I can’t see Lex, not yet, so I go to see the only real father I’ve ever known. I go to Pops.

  It’s late and I know he is asleep. But I don’t have anywhere else to go.

  I drive to the diner and pull out the key he trusted me with years ago. I let myself in and lock up behind me, walking through the back room and up the stairs to his apartment door.

  I knock, and after several minutes I can hear the sound of his feet shuffling to the door. The door swings back to reveal his face, dr
oopy with sleep. He squints at me in confusion and adjusts his glasses.

  “Striker? What the hell are you doing here? Is everything okay?”

  With my face void of emotion, I shake my head.

  He opens the door wider and allows me to walk in. “Come on in, son. I’ll start some coffee.”

  We sit at his kitchen table and drink our coffee while I tell him the whole story. Everything from our parents’ affair, to Lex’s pregnancy, to my father’s threat.

  Pops has never been truly mad in front of me before, other than occasionally getting frustrated at different events, but his face now reddens with anger. “That fucking father of yours.”

  “Whoa, Pops. You just said the ‘F’ word.” I’ve never in my life heard him say that word.

  “As I’ve said before, there is a time when words can’t describe how you feel, and in those times, fuck is the only word that’ll do.”

  I want to smile at him, but my facial muscles don’t seem to be working.

  We sit around the table until four A.M. when he has to open the diner. He stands to get dressed. “I’m sorry I kept you up all night, Pops.”

  “Don’t you worry about it. Why don’t you go lay down on the couch and get some rest. It sounds like you have someone you need to look for soon.”

  I nod before standing and moving toward the living room. The moment my head touches the pillow, I’m out.

  Sleep consumes me until five P.M., when Pops comes up to bring me dinner. The stress of the night wore on me and sleep kept me far too long. Lex is probably going crazy right now. I look at my phone and see that I have so many messages and missed calls that I don’t know where to start.

  I devour the burger and fries and make my way downstairs. “Thanks for letting me crash, but I’m going to go get cleaned up and find my girl,” I tell him.

  He gives me a toothy grin. “Bring her by, would ya?”

  “We’ll see if she forgives me first.”

  He waves me off like he knows she will. I hope he’s right.

  I take a long, hot shower and clean myself of my father’s blood. When I step out, I dress and look myself over in the mirror. In the time span of a single day, I look like I’ve aged a year. Stress pulls heavily on my face. Sadness too.

  I push away from the sink and grab my keys, not allowing myself to think about it. I need to find her.

  I search intensely and in vain, until it dawns on me to check the country club where the wedding reception must be. The parking lot, as usual, is filled with expensive cars.

  I can’t just walk in there. I want Lex, but my feet won’t budge. I’m not strong enough to fight off those people right now. I don’t want to ruin her sister’s big night either. No fights, no arguments, no drama.

  If I know Lex, she will be coming out soon anyway.

  When I look across the cab and see her, sitting in my truck next to me, my anger resurfaces. She’s strong enough to live with this shit for six years, but she wasn’t strong enough to defy my dad and keep our baby? Anger surges through me and I yell at her. Her crying stops and she turns toward me.

  “I snuck away the morning after my graduation party. I left the party early and went to find you, but you were gone. Your dad was drunk and he made me stay. He wanted to take some of his anger out on me, yell at me for things out of my control. That’s when he told me about our parents and the pregnancy. He told me to stay away from you and I challenged him.”

  She takes a long breath and presses on. “He acted like he was going to hit me, and out of fear and instinct, I covered my stomach to protect our baby.” Her tears fall again as I watch her, frozen from her words.

  “He knew, right then. He told me he would tell everyone about them and I knew it would ruin my family. I didn’t want that to happen, so when he told me to leave and get rid of the baby, I listened. I was afraid. When I left, I took my college money and had every intention of finding a clinic, but I couldn’t do it.” She cries harder.

  Wait, what?

  “I tried, but I couldn’t. I had only just found out, but I loved our baby already.” She wipes her tears and takes a deep breath.

  “I decided to stay away and keep the baby; nobody would ever know if I didn’t come back. I found Hannah and she let me stay with her, and I paid her way out of the foreclosure as a thank you. She was going to let me stay with her until I found a place for me and the baby to live. I was so upset about it all. I was sick all of the time, I couldn’t keep food down. I don’t know if it was morning sickness or if it was the stress of what happened.” She shrugs and looks at me for the first time. Pain radiates from her eyes.

  “I woke up one night, covered in blood. I miscarried. After everything, I lost the baby anyway. I lost a piece of you. I lost a piece of me.” Sobs are completely wracking her body now. Instinctively, I pull her to my side. My chest hurts from controlling my anger and sadness.

  She miscarried. All alone. She must have been so scared and I wasn’t there. I couldn’t help her.

  I rub her back and hold her close. Her tears soak through my shirt as I pull myself together. “It’s okay, it wasn’t your fault.”

  She pulls away. “It was. It was my fault. I was so stressed, I didn’t take care of myself well enough. I just wanted our baby, I wanted you, and I couldn’t have either. I should have done something. I should have gone to the doctor sooner. I should have been on vitamins. I should have…”

  I pull her back against me. “It wasn’t your fault, Lex.” I continue to rub her back and brush her hair away from her wet cheeks, anything to soothe and comfort her.

  “It was out of your control. I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t there.” I’m exerting all the control I have to keep my own tears away.

  I can’t fall apart right now. She needs my strength.

  I hold her shoulders and pull her away, just enough so that I can see her eyes. “Do you understand? It was not your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

  She nods her head and moves back into my chest.

  We sit here for an hour, not talking. Just sitting. She cries until she can’t cry anymore and then I just hold her.

  Finally, when all the tears are dry, I start the truck and leave the lake behind us.

  When I pull up to my house, I take her in my arms and carry her to bed. She doesn’t stop me. She doesn’t mention Jeff or her mother, she just lets me take her inside.

  I set her on her feet and unzip her dress slowly. When it falls around her feet, she sits on the bed and removes her shoes while I pull off my clothes. We crawl into bed, holding one another.

  Learning that I had a baby was one thing, but finding out that the baby was taken away from us both is another.

  I hated that my father put her in that position. My heart aches from knowing she had to go through all of that alone. I would give anything to go back, even if the pregnancy outcome would have been the same. All I wish is that I could have at least been there for her.

  I pull her against my chest, as close as I can get her, and breathe in her scent. She holds my arms around her like she’s afraid I’m going to let her go.

  Not a chance.

  We need to heal. Together.

  A noise wakes me up and I open my eyes to see Lex up and getting dressed. It’s early and the sun is shining bright through the window, making everything in the room appear orange.

  “What are you doing?” I ask, rolling over to face her.

  “Get up, we have somewhere to be.” She turns around for me to zip her dress.

  I sit up and trail my fingertips along her soft skin before pulling up the zipper. “Where is it that we have to be?”

  “We’re going to brunch with my family.” She turns and the light hits her eyes. They are bright blue, full of confidence and bravery.

  I wrap the sheet around my bottom half and sit up a little straighter. “What do you mean, we’re going to brunch with your family?”

  She sits beside me and starts putting on her shoes. “It�
�s time. I’m tired of hiding and lying. Today, I’m going to let my family see who I really am and if they don’t like it,” she shrugs, “then they can continue not talking to me. It’s time all the secrets come out.”

  I pull my top lip into my mouth and bite it slightly. I rub my head, trying to wake up enough to process what she’s saying. “When you say ‘all the secrets’, you mean...?”

  Her eyes fall on mine. Full of confidence, she says, “Everything. It’s time they know.” She stands and walks from the room.

  I rush to follow her, tripping over the sheet that’s wrapped around my waist as I go. “Whoa, Lex.”

  She stops and turns toward me.

  “Do you really think now is the best time for this? I mean, your sister is getting ready to leave for her honeymoon.”

  Her eyes search the room, like they are looking for an answer that’s right in front of her. “Maybe you’re right.” She falls onto the couch. “God, what was I thinking?”

  I sit beside her and wrap my arm around her shoulder. “You just want everything off your chest, it’s alright. Just hold it in a little while longer?”

  She nods and pushes a stray hair away from her face. “Okay, I’ll wait to talk to them alone about it, but you’re still coming. There is at least one secret I can get off my chest today.”

  “Are you sure? I don’t mind being your dirty little secret.” I press a kiss to her lips.

  She lets out a quiet laugh and shakes her head. “I’m sure, now go get dressed.”

  I shrug and stand, letting the sheet fall away as I walk. My lips turn up in a smile, knowing that she’s checking out my ass.

  “On second thought…”

  I stop and turn towards her.

  “Maybe we have little time after all.” She jumps into my arms and moves her lips to mine. I walk us back into the bedroom and cover her body with mine.

  Lex worries on her lip the whole way to the country club. She twists her fingers into knots, and stares out of the window.