Living Oprah

by Robyn Okrant

  Oprah commits to blogging about her experience. I’m excited to hear what she will create in her kitchen. Although I have heard her discuss cooking in the past, I really can’t imagine her getting down and dirty, making her own vegan cheese. Maybe she’ll acquire some live culture to make her own soy yogurt. Or not. I start to think about what I will need to survive and make a mental shopping list. I’m glad I have a relatively omnivorous husband or I’d have to figure out what to do with a fridge full of newly forbidden food. I don’t bother asking Jim if he’d like to join me on this one. In fact, I feel the need to tiptoe around the subject of Living Oprah these days. I don’t want to test the limits of his patience, especially as it’s only May and he’s still mourning the loss of his TV.

  As the cleanse moves forward, I’m able to redouble my efforts to “savor every meal.” This was one of my ongoing assignments from January and it’s been an eye-opener. My usual habit, to put it as delicately as possible, is to eat my food like an industrial vacuum sucks clogs out of pipes. This suggestion has definitely slowed me down, and I’ve been making even more meals from scratch. And I could be crazy, but meals eaten while sitting at a table seem to taste better than those eaten standing up in the kitchen.

  This program is also shedding light on my eating habits; specifically, the ruts that I fall into and the way I make food choices to fill an emotional need. I may eat healthy meals, but I create them based on what might make me feel better, more comfortable. In many ways, this 21-day program is allowing me to find a deeper level to the commitment I made when I signed my Best Life Challenge contract. I appreciate it when different pieces of Oprah’s advice fit together rather than conflict.

  Reading Oprah’s account of her 21-day cleanse experience, I’m envious for the first two weeks that she has a personal chef. Of course, if I had her resources (according to MSN Money, she “makes $523.21 every minute, even when she’s asleep”), I’d hire someone to soak my beans as well. She even has this professional vegan chef FedEx her food when she travels to Vegas. I would love to have restaurant-quality food delivered to my door each day. If I have one more broccoli and tempeh stir-fry, I might weep soy-sauce tears. And while I bemoan the extra planning, shopping, and preparation all my meals require, I think it’s been an invaluable part of the experience. Every bite I’ve put in my mouth during this program has been taken conscientiously, beginning with the moment I placed an item on my shopping list. While I frequently feel as if I’m on a different cleanse than Oprah, due to the more hands-on role I have the time to take with my food, I can relate to some of the thoughts she shares on her blog. In reading them, I’m able to see some of my own habits mirrored back at me.

  Oprah clearly wants to fill an emotional void by eating and drinking. She speaks very vulnerably at one point about the frustration of not being able to turn to soda and junk food and how she misses the comfort of an alcoholic beverage. I get a little teary reading her frustration as it brings up so many feelings for me and I become aware that, although I am not actively overeating, those waters run deep and the tendency is probably always going to be with me. There is also a relief in reading about Oprah’s vulnerability. This is the Winfrey I used to enjoy wholeheartedly. The one I could relate to.

  Oprah doesn’t allow herself to budge a bit on the rules of the cleanse, even though the program’s creator told us all to do our best and simply “lean into” the adjustments we’re making. Oprah even gives her blessing to her staff to enjoy a glass of wine but won’t relax the guidelines for herself. This is me in a nutshell. I find myself tensing up as I read. I relate not only to her behavior around food but also to her relentless expectations for herself.

  I suppose I should be grateful, as I usually struggle to find a connection across the Oprah-Okrant divide. I think almost all of us can empathize with the desire to use outside sources to numb our feelings at some point in our lives. Food, drink, exercise, sex, shopping, television, the Internet, or simply emotionally shutting down: These are ruts we all can find ourselves in, no matter what our station in life. Maybe Oprah’s honesty will inspire others to find their own path to healing. What a powerful tool she has in her hands, and what a responsibility to her audience.

  This might be a little stream of consciousness, but I’m going to lay something on the line I have been scared to say up to this point. Here goes. I think Oprah devalues women by focusing so much on our bodies. Before anyone grabs pitchforks and torches to storm my front door, I should say that Oprah isn’t alone. I’ve been guilty of focusing on other women’s bodies, too, but Oprah’s the one with a top-rated talk show seen by millions around the world. I realize that might be subversive and unpopular, and I imagine my editor’s red pencil hovering ominously above this page even as I type. Hear me out, please. I am going to make a disclaimer before I delve into this because I’m frightened of being stoned to death in the town square: I believe Oprah’s ultimate intention is to empower women and girls. She does a great deal to positively reinforce our choices to take care of ourselves, to start businesses, to raise families, to take exciting risks, and to grow.

  However.

  She spends an inordinate amount of time asking other women how they lost weight, how they got their muscular arms, how they lost weight, how they got their abs, and how they lost weight. Sometimes the show will air long segments about an actress or singer’s exercise routine that overshadows her new album, book, or movie. So this next message is for Oprah, and I’d appreciate it if no one else would read it….

  Oprah, I am begging you to break this cycle. I know it’s what we’re all used to seeing on TV and that their perfect-seeming bodies are why many of us admire celebs. Still, I think it demeans women to think the first thing we need to know about other gals is their waist size. You, more than any other individual I can think of, have the power to kick off a change in the status quo. Sure, your audience might go through some withdrawal. We might wonder why you’re not asking identical twin actresses what they eat for breakfast, or telling a popular country singer to pull up her shirt so we can see her abs. But I think in the end we’ll respect you for the change you’ve made, for teaching us through your example how to honor one another in a deeper way. You can empower women by subverting the typical gender stereotype. Please consider my request. It doesn’t have to be a sudden change in your style. You can just “lean into” it.

  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to change my name and go into hiding.

  May 16, 2008.

  Shhhh… listen carefully. If you’re very quiet, you can hear the echoes of screaming triggered by the surprise announcement that today’s audience is being treated to Oprah’s “Favorite Things” for summer. Have you ever thrown a handful of feed to chickens who have been in their coop all night? If so, you’ve experienced their high-pitched, eardrum-piercing noise, frenetic energy, and swift, slightly frightening movement. I am really hesitant to compare women to barnyard foul, but I can think of no more apt way to describe the sound, energy, and motion of this crowd. Except, of course, chickens don’t cry. These women cry, and then they cry some more. I freeze in terror, watching them cluck and peck and jump and weep for almost a full minute and a half, and I shudder to think what I might end up adding to my to-do list by the end of the hour.

  During the show, I learn Oprah thinks that everyone should try the turkey burger served at Donald Trump’s private resort in Florida. I’ve never heard of Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach before. Teaching yoga might seem like a glamorous world filled with champagne, caviar, racing cars, and custom yachts, but I’m going to have to burst your bubble. I think the last hotel I stayed in was a Holiday Inn Express. I go online to learn more about Oprah’s vacation destination and discover that the website allows only members to access specifics about the property. I pretend I don’t even care about that dumb old private resort anyhow and shut down my browser.

  Trump permits his chef to bestow upon us his secret recipe for the Oprah-recommended turkey burgers. In return
for his generosity in sharing these cooking instructions, I would like to give Donald Trump my own highly prized recipe for turkey burgers.

  INGREDIENTS:

  Lean ground turkey (whatever is on sale tastes best)

  Salt

  Pepper

  INSTRUCTIONS:

  Mix all ingredients.

  Make husband form patties because raw ground meat grosses you out.

  Cook patties anyplace except over fire pit or you might burn the cat sleeping in it.

  Overcook patties because you are afraid of salmonella, based, among other things, on Oprah’s 2004 show entitled “Is Your House Making You Sick?”

  Eat patties between whatever bread-ish product you have in cabinet.

  Tell husband you cooked, so he should clean.

  Voilà!

  Oprah’s favorite turkey burgers cost me more than $50 to make and are waaaay more labor intensive than my schedule usually allows. Also, they have ingredients I’ve never heard of before. For example: Major Grey’s chutney. My goodness, who was this Major Grey and how on earth did he come up with such delicious but hard-to-find relish? I really loved this burger. Oprah was right. It was awesome. I probably won’t ever make them again because of time and money, but they were super yummy. Jim actually said they transcended turkey burgers. But as much as we enjoyed them, we both agreed we’d rather order these in a restaurant than cook them at home.

  I’m relatively unscathed by this year’s “Favorite Things” for summer episode as there aren’t many assignments on which I’ll need to spend. It’s a relief and a bit anticlimactic at the same time. Oprah’s guests include Heidi Klum, who teaches us how to shop for a bathing suit. Proving money and fame can’t buy self-esteem or physical acceptance, Oprah says, “Now, anybody who knows me also knows I am not putting on a bathing suit. If you ever see a picture of me in a bathing suit, it’s a fake. Mm-mm. No-ho-ho. Nowhere, no time.”

  Also, we learn about Oprah’s favorite cosmetics, her “O-ward winners,” as they are called. She doesn’t appear to have seen these items before, as her best friend and O’s editor at large, Gayle King, walks us through mascara and nail polish and the like. Oprah introduces an adorable rolling travel duffel and I hold my breath in anticipation, hoping she tells us it’s a must-have. She doesn’t. The show rolls on and the only other thing I’m told to do is to “treat yourself to a weekend getaway.” I immediately start the calculations in my head and can’t think of a way we can afford a trip right now. Even a local one. I teach on the weekends and don’t get vacation pay, so whatever days I take off, I lose in salary. I decide I’ll tack on a weekend to a business trip this summer. I can stay at my mom and dad’s house in New England. Sadly, this time around, Jim will have to stay at home because of finances.

  The last item Oprah gives away is a copy of A New Earth, which leaves me puzzled. The philosophy behind the book doesn’t seem to relate to the indulgences seen on this episode. It’s like rewarding couch potatoes for becoming more active by giving them premium cable and a gift certificate for pizza delivery.

  This has been a fun month in many ways, but I feel I am becoming very isolated. With all the hours and energy it takes to follow someone else’s ideals of beauty, spirituality, and happiness, I’m drifting away from my friends, speaking less to my family, and having very little time for my husband. On a personal level, this is really upsetting. But as far as the project is concerned, it’s not such a bad thing. Perhaps it won’t feel like I’m swimming upstream all the time if I can allow my priorities to take a back burner to Oprah’s.

  Luckily, Oprah has created some social time for my girlfriends and me, sending us to see chick flicks and setting time aside to go for drinks afterward. This isn’t what I’d normally do with my friends. I’m less of an event person and more of a hang out and drink tea while chatting the afternoon away with a good friend kind of girl. So, while I am happy to see them, I still miss having a more personal experience with the gals, without the construct of a girls’ night out.

  Whenever my family calls, the conversation is preceded by their statement, “I know you don’t have a lot of time, but…” I must be giving off energy that says I’m up to my eyeballs in work, and hope nobody needs anything too time-consuming from me. My family and I are incredibly close, so I feel a great deal of guilt about this. I turn to Oprah.com for guidance on how to manage these emotions, and my search turns up a couple ways to overcome them and forgive myself. These exercises only make me feel guiltier as I suspect I am using them to rationalize my absenteeism.

  And Jim? Ah, Jim… I vaguely remember him. He’s the tall drink of water I live with. How understanding can one man be? I’ve been measuring our relationship with the Oprah stick, using evaluations from her website to test the strength of our marriage, following relationship advice offered by her experts, and asking Jim to be more patient with me than required by our vows. The worst moment comes every morning when Oprah begins. I start watching it like a hawk so I don’t miss a word (or I’ll have to rewatch the show several times), and I can tell Jim really wants to connect before he leaves for work. Instead, he gives me a quick kiss and looks at me sadly from the door for a moment before shutting it behind him.

  Ohhhh boy… I better go do my guilt exercises again. They seem to have worn off.

  May 17, 2008

  I am moments away from graduating with my MFA. Imagine the “Hallelujah Chorus” sung by angels here. Of course, there will be no rest for the weary. My thesis might be complete, but my work this year is far from over. When I devised LO, I thought it’d be a light project that would give me something simple to focus on between finishing my master’s degree and beginning whatever I chose to do afterward. While I hoped I’d gather enough interesting information to write and perform a one-woman show about my year, I had my doubts. I never guessed how it would snowball into an all-consuming project.

  Every time I am tempted to throw in the towel and put an end to Living Oprah, I remember a workshop I attended at school early this year. We were discussing the work we were planning for the future. I’d just introduced my project to a crowd of people: students, faculty at the school, and other professionals in the art world. While my colleagues were generally very positive and excited by my plan, there was one naysayer, an adjunct faculty member, who shrugged it off. He said it was impossible to do and insinuated that Living Oprah couldn’t be completed successfully. He came up with several ways in which I could fail. While positive reinforcement would have been appreciated, his negativity lit a fire under my butt. Whenever I get overwhelmed and wonder if I can continue, I think of him and know there’s no way I’ll ever back down. I’m going to finish out this year, come hell or high water.

  Cue the angels, please.

  Photo © Jim Stevens

  At my local bookstore, purchasing Barbara Walter’s, Audition. A long, illustrious life in the media sure makes for a heavy book.

  Photo © Jim Stevens

  Gettin’ down in my living room to Tina Turner and Cher. My poor downstairs neighbor!

  May 2008 Accounting

  Date Assignment Cost Time Notes

  5/1 Read O from cover to cover. (LO) 4h 0m Oy! Big magazine this month. Lots of spiritual guidance, lots of products, lots of advice, lots of advertising. However, I think it’s important to note that at least there weren’t any ads within the main spirituality section.

  5/1 On seeing the Sex and the City movie: “This is an event and we owe it to ourselves, America, to make this an event for girlfriends to remember.… Go for drinks. Have a designated driver. Make a night of it!” (SHOW) 23.00 4h 0m Girl time was lovely. ($8 for movie, $15 for the night out — I’m a cheap date)

  5/2 Get clear skin. (WEB) 5h 0m I’m following instructions but am working against lack of sleep and stress. I did this for 30 days. Skin looked pretty much the same afterward. (10 minutes a day)

  5/4 Read ANE, chapter 10. (BC) 0h 45m

  5/5 Do ANE homework. (BC) 0h 20m

 
; 5/6 Download and watch ANE webinar. (BC) 1h 30m

  5/6 Buy Barbara Walters’s book Audition. (SHOW) 29.95 0h 15m This book weighs 800 pounds. I could use it to do my Best Life Challenge exercise.

  5/7 Dance in my living room to Tina-Cher show. (SHOW) 0h 10m Does this count as BLC exercise? Oh, what the hell, I’m counting it.

  5/7 No more TV in bedroom (Oprah doesn’t believe in them). (SHOW) 0h 10m Took some convincing — the sad thing is, now Jim comes to bed much later after he watches TV in the living room. Bedroom is quieter, but I miss his presence.

  5/8 Love Cher. (Oprah shouted that we do.) (SHOW) 0h 0m I thought about what I like about Cher. Was actually able to whip up affection. Love? I tried. When Oprah tells us how to feel, it can be hard to generate the emotion.

  5/12 “Get up on your feet!” to do the cha-cha slide with 9-year old Quincy Eaton. (SHOW) 0h 3m My cat fled the room in fear.

  5/13 Watch show on past life regression with “an open mind.” (SHOW) 0h 0m I don’t know. I think some people have an open mind to certain things and others don’t. It’s not so simple as telling them to change.

  5/16 Make and eat Mar-a-Lago (Donald Trump’s private resort) Turkey Burgers (“I definitely want you to have it too”). (SHOW) 56.24 1h 15m Delicious! Thank goodness for leftovers. This was way too expensive for one meal. Here’s the breakdown of what I had to buy: Major Grey chutney $4.19, celery $3.22, pears $2.64, lemon $0.82, chipotle Tabasco sauce $1.69, hamburger roll $2.99, organic turkey $28, apples $4.12, canola oil $4.59, raisins $3.09, parsley $0.89.