Living Oprah

by Robyn Okrant

  5/16 “Treat yourself to a weekend getaway.” (SHOW) 231.00 48h 0m I work on the weekends, so while it didn’t cost me any extra to go on my “getaway” (I just tacked 2 days onto a biz trip), it cost me in lost income ($231 is what I would have made teaching my classes).

  5/20 Join Oprah on the 21-Day cleanse “if you’re interested.” (SHOW) 73.50 39h 45m Grocery shopping 60 minutes each week/3 weeks; meals (eating, prep, storage) 105 minutes each day. Only counting food costs above and beyond my usual shopping list.

  5/23 “When you think that you’re going to get in a car and drive, I want you to think about this mother holding her daughter’s head on the side of the highway. That’s the thought I want to come to your mind before you go to get in the car after having even one drink.” (SHOW) 0h 0m Traumatizing. I don’t really drive, but can’t shake the image. (O)

  5/31 Purchase O magazine. (LO) 3.95 0h 5m My June issue hasn’t shown up. Needed to buy this at the drugstore.

  Date Assignment Cost Time Notes

  Throughout Month Watch every episode of Oprah. (LO) 22h 0m 22 shows

  Throughout Month Do Best Life Challenge exercise. (BLC) 5h 20m 80 minutes a week for 4 weeks

  Throughout Month Take A Course in Miracles. (WEB/SHOW) 7h 45m approx. 15 minutes a day for 31 days

  MONTHLY TOTAL 417.64 140h 23m

  YEAR-TO-DATE TOTAL 2,333.42 768h 41m

  ONGOING PROJECTS

  – “Reinvigorate your appearance with some great advice on how not to look old…”

  – “Rethink your eating habits with some absolutely delicious and utterly original meals…”

  – Use cloth and reusable bags at grocery store. No more plastic.

  – Change lightbulbs to energy-efficient bulbs.

  – “I think in terms of investment, it’s the best thing you can ever give yourself is to have beautiful surroundings.”

  – “I would just say to anybody, whatever secret you’re holding, live your own truth.”

  – Sharon Salzberg meditation

  – Make your rooms personal.

  – Best Life Challenge exercise and diet guidance

  – “I do want you to start thinking about, as I have started thinking about, how much you consume. I mean, like every time you throw away a paper towel. Every time you are, you know, wasteful with food in your house… just think about how much you really need.”

  – “Get a lift when you come in the front door.”

  – “I want you to savor every meal.”

  – “I want you to pay attention to how happy women get that way.”

  – A Course in Miracles

  – Declutter home/life.

  – A New Earth meditation

  – “With the arrival of spring, I hope you, too, will reconnect with nature.”

  Accounting Abbreviations: LO = Living Oprah Project Task, SHOW = The Oprah Winfrey Show, WEB = Oprah.com, MAG = O, The Oprah Magazine, BC = Oprah’s Book Club, BLC = Best Life Challenge, (O) = ongoing project

  Blog: Regarding Oprah’s comment, “I don't get excited by a lot of things...": http://www.livingoprah.com/2008/05/simon-says.html

  Regarding 21-day vegan cleanse: http://www.livingoprah.com/2008/05/im-in.html

  JUNE:

  Living with less while dreaming of more

  Time spent this month:46 hours, 10 minutes

  Dollars spent this month:$321.77

  Advice bound to fail: “I think everybody should have a little garden, no matter where you live.” My thumb is so black, I could kill silk flowers. I’m a danger to flora. The florist even delivered dead bouquets for my wedding. They looked like props for a Tim Burton movie. I think flowers wilt at the mere mention of my name. Maybe I’ll have better luck with an herb garden.

  Words that stuck:“Maybe we’re giving her an impossible role to fill. Can any woman really be an idol AND a relatable peer?” — Comment made by Lawren Ashley Smith on Living Oprah blog

  JIM AND I are searching for a new apartment this month. Our current building was bought by a new landlord and our $1,000-a-month rent, which is already as high as we’re able to pay, is going up several hundred dollars. We’ve spoken at length about what to do, what sacrifices we might be able to make to avoid the dreaded task of moving. The reality is, we don’t want to give up our dinners out or movie dates just to remain in a home we don’t even own. Also, although relocating is at the bottom of our list of preferred summer activities, we want to make certain we live in a place we can afford no matter what this year brings. This project is being funded by our own bank account, after all. What if Oprah tells us we have to fly first class to Tahiti and spend a week lolling on the beach? That could get very expensive. And frankly, the idea of living in fresh new surroundings makes us happy to think about.

  After weeks of searching, the only place we find that meets our specifications and falls within our price range is much smaller than our present treasured apartment. It’s a bright space, just a few blocks away from our old address, but it’s itty-bitty. And you know what that means — more decluttering! Less space means less stuff. This is major growth. Before this project began, less space meant it was harder for me to close my closet doors.

  In order to reduce the possibility of conflict, Jim and I have been using the Peter Walsh book Oprah suggested back in March to help us organize and pack for our move. It’s less likely to cause an argument if I point to a passage in Walsh’s book than if I nag my husband to throw or give any of his neglected belongings away. But let’s get real. How many Dungeons and Dragons manuals does one grown man need? It’s been going very well. We have a shared tendency to get sentimental and hold on to lots of things, but we’re learning this year, through lessons gleaned from the show, how to honor what truly means a lot to us and release the detritus that clutters our home. I’ve even tossed away all the matchless socks in my drawer. Oprah says she thinks our homes should “rise up to meet us.” I don’t know exactly what that means, but I do know that our apartment wasn’t going to do any rising when it was so heavily bogged down with stuff.

  As I tape up my umpteenth box of the day, it dawns on me that at some point this afternoon I accidentally packed the Walsh book. I wish I were going for a laugh here, but I’m not. It’s nowhere to be seen. I’m annoyed with myself, but I’m not willing to cut open boxes to find it. My fingers are crossed that we learned enough to get us through the remainder of the packing work. Although, between you and me, I’m pretty sure that when my back was turned, Jim packed his dusty LPs, thinking I didn’t notice. And while I am in no way anti-vinyl, we haven’t owned a record player for the past five years.

  The most difficult part of the packing for me is getting rid of books I no longer read or need. We’ve got several cases full and I’m poring lovingly over each one, a bit melancholy, knowing that Oprah wouldn’t give me the thumbs-up on keeping and cramming every book into our small new living room. I place them in piles, according to which friend or family member will be receiving each title, which books we’ll donate, and which we’ll keep. As much as I’ll miss the bulk and comfort of having so many of them, I do get excited, knowing I still have unread books awaiting me once I catch up on my Living Oprah assignments. It’s my reward.

  The books that have sat dormant on my shelves since the inception of this project are more a tool for me to practice my dusting skills than anything else. Still, as we pack to move to our new apartment, I get a little thrill each time I place one in its appropriate box, imagining myself kicking off my leopard-print flats, sitting on Chicago’s lakefront, sipping a cool drink and losing myself in the story of fabulous characters.

  My fantasy is cut short when an e-mail arrives in my in-box from Oprah’s Book Club that lists “The Five Books Everyone Needs to Read Once.” I click open the e-mail with the same anticipation and trepidation a prospective student would have upon receiving an envelope from her dream university. I suppose my reaction could be compared to seeing I’ve been wait-listed, and I sadly pack awa
y the remainder of the books I had chosen to read this summer. The good news is, there are three books on Oprah’s inventory that I’ve already read: Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe, and Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett. Since the e-mail clearly uses the word “once,” revisiting them isn’t necessary. The other two are not books I’d ever place on my own “must” list, but they get placed at the bottom of my ever-growing catalog of to-do’s, regardless. One is Four Quartets by T S. Eliot and the other is The Wisdom of the Desert: Sayings from the Desert Fathers of the Fourth Century, translated by Thomas Merton.

  When I place my order for these books, I wonder what qualities they have that inspired Oprah to sign off on them as the “must reads” for our lifetime. There isn’t an explanation of the selection process, only an indication that these readings “will blow open your understanding of the world.”

  That’s heavy.

  June 9, 2008

  I am knee-deep in Oprah reruns. It’s depressing. When I wake up in the morning, I feel ho-hum knowing I’ll be turning on a repeat of a past show. I’m amazed, but in all honesty, as this project has drawn on, I’ve come to feel a little zip of excitement when I think I might see something new. I watch promos for future episodes with anticipation; will I be surprised with a fresh Oprah? Nope-rah. Sadly, we’ve just entered the warm months and I know the drill: It’s going to be a stultifying summer of reruns for me. There’s so much languorous sighing as I sink into my couch at 9 AM every morning, my neighbor probably thinks I’m rehearsing for a Tennessee Williams play.

  I blame my discomfort on side effects of the television habit that I suffer bravely, alongside others who share my chronic disease. TV creates in us an addiction for fresh, original entertainment every time we pick up the remote. We, in turn, demand to be continually surprised and excited. If a network doesn’t step up to the plate and fulfill our craving by serving us something new, we turn the channel. As much as I might want to flip to something else during Oprah’s rerun season or, dare I say it, turn off the TV, I can’t. I’m still following her advice, even if it did have a previous airing.

  So far this year, I’ve watched 114 episodes of Oprah, and even the new episodes are starting to feel like reruns. Without intending to sound cynical, I have to say I don’t think there’s much brand-new information for women out here in the land of TV watching, magazine reading, Web surfing, and radio listening. I’m not opposed to any of these mediums. In fact, short of getting down on one knee and proposing to it, I can honestly say I love television. But while it might be sexier and hipper than me, it’s not smarter (or so I like to think). I understand that in order to create magnetic entertainment, half the battle is creating a great show and the other half is effectively advertising it. Not necessarily in those proportions.

  If there is a finite viewer pool to draw from, what’s a show to do? Well, in the case of Oprah’s program, the star herself is the best advertising spokeswoman anyone could wish for. She is convincing and trustworthy. When she does her own show promotions, many of us are quite likely to listen to what she’s saying. Still, there are lots of other talk shows bombarding us with their marketing. What’s to stop me from straying from my relationship with Oprah to fool around with Maury? The easy answer is every time I see even a couple minutes of Maury’s show, I feel like I’ve contracted an STD.

  It’s the words that are written for Oprah to say during her promos that really seal the deal and suck us in. “Exclusive!” “Original!” “Never before seen!” As I’ve said, I think we are convinced by a number of sources that we are in a constant state of disrepair. Because of this, many of us are entirely willing to watch something packaged as new, even if we suspect we’ve heard the information before.

  This year, many of the shows touted as pristine feel secondhand. Even Oprah show exclusives, like her conversation with a pregnant man and the first time cameras were allowed into a polygamist sect’s compound, are old hat. I’ve seen sensational stories on television before. I know when to gasp and when to cry and when to talk back to the TV in anger. I’ve become a bit jaded by the hours of TV drama I’ve seen, I suppose, and very little comes as a surprise anymore. But I keep tuning in to get that “high.” Before the project began, I was still able to find delight when I hit the power button on the old Samsung, but in these short months, my capacity to enjoy repetitive infotainment has dwindled. While boredom settles over me as I watch, I am reminded of the summer of 1994.

  After graduating from college, I worked a couple jobs so I could afford to move from New Hampshire to Chicago. For a short time, I babysat two young sisters who demanded to watch a video about a purple dinosaur so often I almost lost my mind. I’d annoy my friends by unconsciously singing its cloying theme song everywhere we went. I used to marvel that kids could watch the same thing so often and still remain entertained by it. However, I mirrored their behavior by spacing out in front of my own formulaic soap operas, followed by an hour of Oprah. Winfrey’s theme song at the time, “I’m Every Woman,” ran in a constant loop in my brain for about two years straight. Cut to me, 14 years later, zoning out in front of a franchised prime-time cop show. Its comfortable, well-worn formula is so familiar and unwavering that it teeters on meditation for me. Later that night, I find myself humming its theme music as I brush my teeth. And that’s just on Wednesdays.

  We stay safe by watching the same shows every week, and television producers stay safe by churning them out. You know how some fish will swim around and around and around in their fishbowls without ever stopping, and they don’t seem to know they keep passing the same little scuba diver figurine over and over and over again? It’s easier to swim with the current rather than against it, and I suppose eventually one even forgets that there are other directions in which to swim. Those little fish are an apt metaphor for how I watch television. I just hope that before her tenure as a talk show host comes to an end, Winfrey will transfer me to a more interesting fish tank.

  In the five months of doing this project, I have come to realize I owe it to myself to turn off the white noise that these repetitive shows create and enjoy some silence or, dare I say it, my own thoughts. Becoming willing to kick my TV habit in the middle of a project that requires me to watch TV every day is not the best timing, I realize. I’m worried that feeding my addiction this year might make it more difficult to let it go when the clock strikes midnight on December 31. Will I be conditioned to click on Oprah even when the project is complete? People ask me this all the time, and I don’t know what to tell them. In the meantime, I’ll try not to vilify television, or, in the words of Gollum from The Lord of the Rings, “my Precious.”

  June 27, 2008

  “Make your own vision board. I’m going to make one.”

  Woohoo! Something to break up the summer monotony — a new assignment during rerun season. Oprah has made it our mission to create this visual interpretation and reminder of our goals. I’ve heard of this exercise before and know it’s used as a tool to keep one’s eyes on one’s prize. When the wildly successful self-help book and subsequent movie The Secret were released, I knew several women who bought into the idea of the law of attraction and made their own boards, filling them with pictures of dream homes, dream men, and dream vacations. They’d hang this physical representation of their objectives in a location where they’d be certain to see it every day. I lazily considered making one but, in my limited understanding of the device, thought it was just a variation on a Christmas list and felt a little uninspired to spend so much time focused on material items.

  When I was in junior high school, however, I made collages from photos, words, and other objects I considered profound and inspiring. I cut them out from sources like National Geographic, Seventeen, and TV Guide and taped them to a large piece of poster board. I vaguely remember images of Prince, Kirk Cameron, a Tony Award, the Milky Way (galaxy, not candy bar), and the lyrics to Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” filling every inch of space. I hung the
board in my room, on the back of the door so I could stare at it as I lay in bed. During my early weeks as a freshman in high school, it was driven home to me that I was not cool. Chances were pretty good that everything I owned was not cool, and I tore down the display before it could embarrass me in front of potential cool friends. I would give anything to have it back. It’d be like a time capsule of myself, and I’d be proud to hang it on the bedroom door now.

  This is my chance to make up for the mistake I made back in 1986 when I tried to project a concocted image of myself to others rather than stick to my own collage-making guns. I put the word out to some friends and to my husband’s coworkers that I’d love their unwanted magazines. And even as I send out the e-mail, I imagine Oprah and Peter Walsh shaking their heads at me in disappointment. I promise I won’t let periodicals pile up and will recycle them as soon as I create my vision board in my new home.

  It just dawned on me that I should do my best to explain the law of attraction. Oprah has done several shows about this topic, and I recently viewed an episode called “The Secret Behind The Secret.” The Secret is the aforementioned self-help book and DVD that became a household word in 2006. And by household, I’m referring to my own. So for those of you who do not live in my apartment, who might not peruse the personal growth section of the bookstore, who do not watch Oprah, or perhaps lived aboard the International Space Station in 2006 and are missing a year of your pop culture knowledge, allow me to supply a rough and dirty definition of this phenomenon.

  The idea is that our thoughts manifest themselves as things. Every time we think something, we’re sending energy out into the universe, and similar energy returns to us. So if we’re projecting positive thoughts, we attract positivity into our lives. The movie suggests that this might take the form of a new bike, a better job, a new home, scads of money, better health, a relationship, or even respect from those around us.