Never Have I Ever

by Clearwing, August

  I came to my choice regarding Selene that night. It was unfair and wrong of me to keep her secret when it hurt Noah so much. I resolved to tell him when I arrived at his place come Hell or high water. After all, his letter said I deserved to hear more; the sentiment should swing both ways.

  For the evening I chose a little dress I bought on our vacation and never garnered the opportunity to wear until now. It wasn’t fancy, per se. Maybe it was fancy-ish, but it was nothing spectacular; a simple square neck, thin strapped blue number with a slightly flared skirt which stopped short just above my knees.

  There wasn’t a corner of my mind which didn’t churn with terse nudges of anxiety on the elevator ride up to Noah’s apartment. I leaned against the back corner of the lift in case anyone else needed on or off on the ascent, and fiddled idly with the dreamcatcher between my fingers.

  I can do this, I told myself. The longer I wait to tell him, the worse his reaction will be.

  Considering I already kept the secret from him for an entire week, the odds didn’t seem to be stacked in my favor much past tonight.

  The elevator chimed on his floor. And then I found myself at his door. For a moment I wasn’t sure whether to invite myself in by using the key he gave me, or to knock. I decided to play it safe; I took a deep breath, expelled the butterflies, and knocked.

  When Noah answered the door he was clad in dark denim jeans and a simple crisp white button-down.

  “Hey,” I said with a nervous smile. I held up the dreamcatcher to show him. “I got you something.”

  He accepted the gift and leaned against the doorframe, examining it as it lay against the back of his hand from the leather cord at the top. Several seconds ticked by without a word.

  I filled the silence. “It’s cliché and stupid, I know, but it made me think of you. Especially after… you know.”

  Noah glanced up at me. A touch of that Loki-like mischief crawled into his voice as he said, “I happen to be a fan of the cliché coming from you. Thank you for the thought. I also distinctly remember telling you fancy dress wasn’t required. We’re staying in tonight.”

  “This isn’t fancy; I just wanted to look nice for you.” I did a little twirl in the dress to let it flare out before stopping to face him. The cloth spun around my hips, bunching into little creases before swinging back into place with gravity’s assistance. “What do you think?”

  “Very nearly flawless,” he said with a nod.

  “Only very nearly?” I shook my head while laughing softly. “Always room for improvement, huh?”

  One side of his mouth twisted up into a devious smile. “There’s just something incomplete.”

  “What’s that?”

  Noah pushed off the doorframe to let me in, then shut the door and moved further into the living room. Once he was between the back of the L-shaped sofa and the kitchen, he turned and waved me over with a subtle flick of his hand.

  “Come here.”

  I took a step into the living room to make my way to him. Tonight, Noah was poised and confident, as usual, but I could tell there was something more weighing on his mind. Maybe he was just as nervous to divulge his side of things about Selene as I was for my part.

  “I am going to make you the best damn salmon you’ve ever tasted. However, there are two things we need to discuss. First and foremost, kneel here for me and close your eyes.”

  I gave him a little smile out of confusion, but readily complied. I set my purse on the counter and descended to my knees on the cool wood floor.

  “Good girl. Stay right there.” I heard him walk off toward his bedroom. A moment later his soft footsteps approached once more. When he spoke again, his voice was inches from my face. He had knelt down in front of me. “Since we seem to be on the same page as far as gifts are concerned, I have something for you as well; I’d like you to have it before the evening begins.”

  I heard a box open and something which sounded remarkably like chain clinking softly together.

  “Ordinarily, there would be more ceremony to this. I’ve never been big on ceremony. This also isn’t exclusively a sexual action for either of us. Pull your hair up.”

  I gathered the two-toned strawberry blonde and dark red of my hair into one hand at the back of my head. A few loose strands tickled against my shoulders. My heart raced as I felt the cold presence of pliable metal slither around my neck. Next came the familiar snap of a small padlock.

  “We already have a verbal agreement about our relationship. It’s time to take things a step further. You can open your eyes now.”

  When I opened my eyes my reflection stared back at me in a small circular mirror which Noah was holding. As I suspected, the thin collar was roughly an inch and a half wide and didn’t look entirely like a collar if you didn’t know what to look for. It held the same pattern as the chainmail cuffs around my wrists with knitted alternating dull and polished platinum. The lock at the base of my neck connected to an O-ring which rested just below my collarbone. I raised a tentative hand to touch the metal warming against my skin, almost in complete disbelief he was giving it to me.

  Noah lowered the mirror, snapping my attention away from the reflection and back to him. “There. Now it’s flawless. Given everything we’ve been through, you’ve more than earned it, my pet.”

  There was no turning back; now I had to tell him about Selene at some point in the evening.

  “Sir, I—I’m not sure what to say.”

  “It’s a first for me too. I’ve never collared a submissive before tonight,” he told me. “This is a symbol. It is a reminder to you of your submission to me, of your commitment to pleasing me, and of your devotion to me and only me. In turn, I am promising to always keep you, to always guide you. I am promising to hold your safety and security above all else. Most importantly, I give this to you out of my love for you. Accept me as your Master and you don’t need to say anything else right now if you don’t wish to.”

  As my hand lowered from the collar so did my vision from him. I looked down with some humility and said, “There’s not a doubt in my mind; all of the things you listed have been what I’ve wanted since I met you.”

  Noah placed his hand beneath my chin and lifted my gaze to his. “Say it out loud.”

  “You’re my Master,” I replied without a scrap of hesitation.

  “Excellent.” He gave me a kiss, took my hands and guided me to my feet. “Now, do you know what the second topic of conversation is?”

  “I can guess. You said in your note I deserved to hear more. It’s left me sort of wondering.”

  “I did. And you do; mostly because I should have been up-front with you about it from the beginning.”

  “Amen to that, Sir.”

  Noah sort of chuckled as he motioned to one of the cushioned barstools beside us. “To be fair, I’ve not had cause to tell anyone up until now. This is difficult for me, and I’m rather afraid you’ll run the other way because of it.”

  “No running, I promise,” I said. I gave him an encouraging smile while I took my seat. “Besides, I’m collared now.”

  “That you are,” he said with satisfaction. He sat on a stool beside me. “Where to start?”

  “The beginning is usually a good place, Sir.”

  “Brace yourself, there’s quite a bit to tell.”

  I nodded and sat in silence while he spun the story, “I told you Selene’s suicide was my fault. And it was; for the most part, anyway. Ethan and I met Selene at a club downtown. It must be genetic because Ethan and I locked our sights on her at the same time. We always did that. The both of us can spot a submissive from across a dark, crowded club like it’s second nature. We had a friendly bet going about which one of us would take her home that night.”

  “And you won?”

  Noah gave me a look that clearly said, ‘Oh, you’re so cute and naïve for thinking that,’ before replying, “Surprisingly, no. She went home alone. But then, we kept meeting her there, whether we were both prese
nt or not. How stupid we were to try to turn a little bet on one night into a rivalry for her attention beyond that. We got to know her, and we both genuinely felt something for her. It didn’t hurt that our instincts were right about her love of rough sex at the hands of a Dom who knew what the hell he was doing. Howard gave us a damn good education. Eventually, it was Ethan who won.”

  “You’re kidding,” I said. My voice was low and deadpan. I couldn’t at all picture Ethan being able to out-maneuver Noah in that regard. Ethan’s stone-cold demeanor wasn’t nearly as appealing.

  “Believe it or not, Ethan used to be a suave motherfucker. He’s just shut that portion of his brain off these days. I was livid, of course. What self-respecting younger brother wouldn’t be? But I fumed for a while and came to terms with my defeat.”

  “But, you said you were with her for four months.”

  “I was. She had second thoughts about choosing one of us over the other, and decided it was better to back off before she came between us. Being young and stupid, I took it as a challenge. I revived my pursuit, swooped in, and got her to… reconsider.”

  “Ethan saw it as a betrayal didn’t he?”

  “Yes, it was Ethan’s turn to brood about it. I’ll give him credit; he was much more dignified than I was when she first chose him. Four months later, she approached me, saying her feelings for Ethan were stronger than her feelings for me. She was so apologetic, so torn. Somehow, I pressured her in to allowing me to have her for one more night, after which I agreed to step aside for good. To make sure she remembered the night, though, I used her hard. Harder than I should have. It was pretty much no-holds barred, actually.

  “The next night, she called me in tears. She told me the reason she chose Ethan over me was that she had been six weeks pregnant.”

  Oh, God. “Past tense?” I asked cautiously.

  Noah nodded slowly. “It was Ethan’s. For a short period of time I was hopping back and forth from L.A. to San Francisco for contracts so much I hardly found the chance to talk to Selene let alone see her. I did the math. Those couple of weeks fell in perfect alignment with the date of conception. Selene called me distraught the day after she and I parted ways… because she miscarried.

  “Instead of being sympathetic, I gave her what-for. I cursed her up one side and down the other for not telling me—not so much about cheating on me with Ethan, that part was a non-issue compared to her stupidity for letting me bruise her, manhandle and mark her when she knew she was pregnant. I called her every name in the book, said horrible things I didn’t really mean.

  “Ethan was once again incensed. She told him beforehand. It wasn’t planned, of course, but he fully intended to step up to the plate and take care of Selene because he loved her and he wanted to love the kid. When he found out the reason for the miscarriage he went postal on me, which only made me yell at Selene more. After it was all said and done she couldn’t handle the situation. A week later, Selene was dead.”

  There I was, expecting some extra nugget of knowledge about Noah’s past. I wasn’t at all braced for the complete story in one free-flowing narrative. At the end of Noah’s recount all I could do was forcibly swallow the mass quantities of anger caught in my throat. The whole event was not Noah’s fault at all; it was Selene’s. Though I joked about fatal flaws to Anya and Declan, it became all too real to me that if Noah did have a fatal flaw, it was his compassion. Noah was just too soft of a heart to find the ability to blame her. The last time I checked nobody in the world was proven psychic scientifically. Selene agreed to the session that night despite knowing she was pregnant. It not only made her a self-seeking bitch, but a horrible human being.

  Noah released a relieved breath. “You’re still here.”

  Before I knew it, my hands were fishing through my purse for my phone. I silently and anxiously pulled up the web browser on it to begin the Google search that might change my life forever.

  “No running,” I mumbled to the shining screen.

  “Okay, I just dropped a bombshell on you and you’re checking Facebook?”

  I gripped the phone a little tighter, but continued my frantic search. “No. I’m going to do something unbelievably stupid.”

  “What are you doing?” He sounded worried. “Piper?”

  I found the website I was looking for and tucked the phone close to my chest. When I looked up at him, it was with the fire of intent I never dreamed I could muster. “I have to tell you something,” I said. My voice wavered. “And I don’t know how you will react; I can’t imagine you’ll be too pleased, though.”

  Noah reached out and brushed his hand across my cheek, only pausing briefly to tuck my hair behind my ear and lock his piercing gaze onto my very soul before returning the backs of his finger tips to stroke my face. His features grew soft and serious.

  “Piper, I want you to listen to me very closely. Not only am I speaking to you as your lover, but also as your Master now. You please me in everything you do. It is physically impossible for me to be in the same room with you and not touch you. Your very existence gives me an electrical charge of pleasure every day. It’s a razor sharp high to my otherwise dull and predictable life. Nothing you say in this moment will change my mind about that.”

  Those words were single-handedly the sweetest and most romantic thing anyone ever said to me. Because of those words I was willing to risk losing him for the sake of his peace of mind. And mine. I slowly took his hand from my face, slipped the phone into it, and wrapped my fingers around his so we were both holding it. A moment later, I released his hand and sat a little further back on my barstool.

  “Take a good look.”

  Noah turned the phone over. The webpage he was looking at was that of an artist profile for the Sydney gallery in which Selene’s most recent paintings resided. It came complete with her picture, a brief—more than likely fake—biography, and her next scheduled appearance: Tuesday.

  “This is—how did you…”

  “I met her on our last day in Sydney.” My hands came up to cover my mouth for a moment, almost as if in prayer. I wasn’t sure whether I was about to laugh or cry. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I was scared of how you’d react.”

  Staunch, heavy silence grew between us as he just stared at the phone for another twenty seconds or so, processing the information in front of him.

  “Please, say something,” I said. I laced my fingers together into one large fist against my mouth.

  He looked up at me. “She changed her last name. It used to be Ortiz.”

  That was it? Selene was alive and all he had to comment on was how she changed her last name?

  “Pardon?”

  “Think very carefully; was she wearing a wedding ring when you met her?”

  “Uh—N-no, not that I saw. Does that matter?” This was decidedly not the reaction I anticipated.

  Noah glanced around the room, pulling his thoughts from someplace distant I was unable to reach. “Five years and she hasn’t found someone else then.”

  I half smiled. “You’re not mad?”

  “Are you kidding? Piper, this is brilliant!” He grabbed the back of my head and swiftly pulled me in to kiss my forehead with a loud smack of his lips. “Thank you.”

  “Wait—what?”

  But he was gone from me in a flash. He discarded my phone onto the counter before disappearing from the living room and into his bedroom faster than I’d ever seen him move. I followed behind and watched as he dashed from one side of his room to the other, collecting first a suitcase, then rummaging through dresser drawers for clothing and other necessities for a trip.

  “You’re leaving,” I said. Dinner plans were off then.

  Noah looked back at me briefly, barely torn from his focus on packing. “She’s alive, which means”—he snatched two ties from a hook beside the door—“which means I can fix this.”

  “You’re going to Australia? Now?”

  “Yes. Come with me. I’ll figure out flight de
tails on the way to the airport.”

  “Is that a command?”

  “A request this time since this is such short notice.”

  “Not a chance if it’s all the same to you. I’m sorry, this doesn’t sit right. She told me not to tell you. The last thing you need is a cat-fight on your hands. Not to mention Ethan lied to you about her killing herself. In what universe is this okay?”

  “It’s not okay, which is why I need to go. Before I confront Ethan, though, I need to talk to her. I can fix everything.”

  “She made it pretty clear to me she didn’t want anything fixed.”

  The fluctuating joy and panic on his face shed light on how driven Noah was about going. Seeing him bristling with so much untamed energy was new for me.

  “Selene must have changed her name to hide since she didn’t have a wedding ring,” he mused aloud. “Ethan still loves her. That’s why he’s perpetually pissed at me. If I manage to talk some sense into her then I can bring her here to make amends with him. I’ll redeem myself, regain his trust from the whole fucked-up situation and get him off our collective asses since he’ll have her back. Happy endings all around.”

  Oh God, what a hopeless romantic. The world didn’t work that way. There are some wounds time simply cannot heal. “He should be the one trying to regain your trust after this, though.”

  “I’ve grown used to being the villain between Ethan and me.” Suddenly Noah snapped his fingers and pointed at me. “Better explanation: You once called me Loki and I took it as a compliment, do you remember?”

  “Vividly.” I still called him that.

  “Ethan’s Thor.”

  I almost, but not quite, laughed, “You don’t know your Norse mythology very well, do you? They end up on opposing sides of Ragnarok.”