Never Have I Ever

by Clearwing, August

She took some time to process my words before asking, “We aren’t talking about God and physics anymore, are we?”

  They were not mutually exclusive; the secrets of a higher power, of the Universe, of Noah. But I didn’t feel like explaining the trail of breadcrumbs which connected them for Anya. I simply settled for a somber, “No.”

  Breathe, Noah.

  Breathe.

  ***

  Robert, Noah’s father, looked just like him only with the proper amount of gray in his hair to pull off the distinguished older gentleman appearance. He was there with Noah’s mother, Evelyn, a thin brunette with a small face, the following Monday; the day the doctors moved Noah to his own room. I spent most of the weekend waiting beside his bed for his eyes to open. Had it not been for the need to shower and nap on something other than a compact chair or lumpy waiting room sofa, I never would have left at all. The morning his parents arrived at the hospital I was gone for just that reason.

  I froze at the end of the hall on the way to Noah’s room when I saw them both standing just outside the door to weigh the probability of waking up dead after introducing myself. They were in the middle of a conversation with Noah’s doctor which gave me a solid minute or so to consider my approach. On the one hand I loved their son and, according to the detectives, helped keep the bleeding under control well enough to give him a fighting chance. On the other hand I was the singular reason he was in his current state. Taking their other son’s life definitely lost me points in the relationship department. The thunderous sounds my heart made deafened the world around me. I was milliseconds away from turning tail and bolting as surreptitiously as possible towards the nearest elevator when Declan suddenly appeared next to me with his hand on my shoulder.

  “Good, you’re back.”

  I jumped. “Jesus, Dec. Don’t scare me like that.”

  “My bad.”

  “Where’s Anya?”

  “Work.” Declan shrugged. “Them’s the breaks.” He jutted his chin toward Noah’s room and confirmed my suspicions. “That’s Noah’s folks there. Come on, I’ll introduce you.”

  He started to wave at them to get their attention until I slapped his hand down. “Wait.”

  “What?”

  “Just.” I huffed in frustration. “Let me psych myself up to meet the parents of the man I killed right quick, okay?”

  “Right. I’m an insensitive jackass. Sorry.”

  The two of us stood side by side for a good thirty seconds just staring down the white corridor at the couple’s conversation with the doctor.

  “Ready?”

  “Not yet.”

  Declan leaned over to me a little more. “Noah woke up about four hours ago.”

  I took a deep breath and started walking. “Let’s go.”

  “Knew it.”

  Volatile cocktail though I may have been walking into, if I wanted to see Noah anytime soon, I had to face the dragons at the gate. I hoped to have more time to collect my thoughts, to prepare a little speech and pray they didn’t kick me out. I didn’t get the opportunity however because as Declan and I closed the distance between us and them the doctor finished his discussion with the couple, giving a nod of acknowledgment towards me on his way down the hall.

  “You’re Piper,” Robert said in greeting.

  “Yes, sir. You’re Noah’s dad, right?”

  “Robert,” he said. He smoothed his hands over his wife’s arms in comfort. “This is Evelyn, my wife. I hear you’ve been stuck like butter on toast to our son all weekend.”

  I looked down at the cracks in the tile of the floor, wishing I could melt between them. “I can’t imagine how upset you must be at me for my part in all this. I just want you to know how awful I feel. I’m the cause of everything and I wish, more than anything in the world, I wasn’t.”

  Evelyn’s face reddened with the threat of motherly tears. She practically gasped out a sob while she wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug that rivaled the sorts of hugs my father used to give me as a kid. I stood straight as an arrow for fear of being beaten senseless. The last thing I expected was kindness. Evelyn rubbed my back and held me close. I was sure she could feel the scars through the fabric of the t-shirt. As uncomfortable as it made me, I successfully prevented myself from freaking out at her touch. Instead, I glanced at Noah’s father. Tears brimmed in his eyes as I exhaled and wrapped my arms around his wife in return, mumbling my sincerest apologies into her shoulder.

  “Ethan brought this on himself,” Evelyn said. “He made poor choices. He didn’t turn to his network of support when he should have, nothing more. We don’t blame you, dear.”

  “Then, you don’t hate me?”

  “No, we don’t hate you,” she affirmed as she pulled away from me. Her hands slid down my arms to hold mine. “We can talk later. Noah’s been asking for you since he woke up. Would you like to see him?”

  “Very much so.”

  “Go ahead. We’ll be back in half an hour.”

  “Thank you.”

  They said their brief good-byes to Declan who then folded his arms across his chest and nodded towards the room. “Go on.”

  The handle felt cold to the touch. Hospitals are cold by design; a necessary evil to ward off bacteria. It never failed to make me uneasy. I always associated the cold with death. Thankfully, not today. Noah’s bed was raised to allow him to sit up a little straighter now that he was awake and alert. A nurse was hanging a new IV bag above his bed when I walked in and closed the door behind me.

  Noah smiled warmly to me. His voice was raspy and low as he said, “Never have I ever been shot before.”

  I laughed softly and shook my head. “Never will you ever be shot again if I have any say in the matter.”

  “No worries there.” He winced when he tried to adjust his weight in the bed. “Pretty sure getting shot is one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities for most people.”

  I took a seat in the armchair I previously occupied all weekend and took his right hand. “Since when are you defined as ‘most people’?”

  “Touché.” He tried to laugh, and immediately regretted it. I watched another tremor of pain shoot across his face.

  “Don’t talk so much,” the nurse ordered, “your lungs can’t handle it yet.”

  Noah gave her a half-hearted salute with two fingers, casting an apologetic glance toward me.

  “It’s okay. She’s right.”

  He pulled my hand up to his lips to kiss the back of it and mouthed an “I love you” right before the nurse finished switching out the IV tubing.

  “The drip is going to make you drowsy,” she said. She pulled off her gloves and discarded them in the waste bin.

  “Just what I need; more sleep,” Noah grumbled.

  “I’ll be here,” I told him. “I’m not going anywhere now. Not ever again. No more running unless it’s with you.” I waited for the nurse to leave, then cleared my throat to say, “Don’t know if you remember anything after… I guess it doesn’t matter. Ethan, he… Fuck. I’m sorry. I can’t formulate a sentence today. He’s dead, Noah. He’s dead and you almost died because of me.”

  “Piper.”

  “Yes?”

  Another, more playful, smile crossed his lips. “Shut up and tell me you love me too.”

  I choked on a laugh through tears of relief, but stood to lean over the bed and kissed him. Oh, how wonderful it felt to kiss him again. “I love you too.”

  {CHAPTER TWENTY SIX}

  SIX MONTHS LATER

  “Thank you so much for everything,” I said to the therapist on my final visit. After seven months of discussion I was finally ready to call it quits with the external assistance. All the guidance she could give me had been received and, despite my natural aversion to all things shrink related, taken to heart. The only thing left to do was take the momentum she provided and keep running forward.

  “Take care. Call me if you feel you need to talk at all,” she replied.

  “I will,
I promise.”

  I left the building in downtown Los Angeles just after seven at night. Noah and I set a dinner date over at his place earlier in the week for that evening. I was more nervous than usual, partially because of the little white box nestled away in my purse. On his first day freed from the hospital, roughly two weeks after the shooting, Noah told me we should both focus our energy on healing. I agreed, though I saw him as often as I possibly could to encourage him as well as myself through our joint recovery. Having him nearly taken away from me put a lot into perspective, and I vowed numerous times out loud to stay beside him no matter what. After all, nothing could be more difficult for us than what we had just survived together.

  I had plenty of time to myself to get my life back in order. In fact, I had all the time in the world. While I spent as much of my waking time as I was capable of at Noah’s side pending our respective work schedules—once he was cleared to work again, that is—I always went home and slept in my own bed for the first six months. Sex hadn’t really even come up for either of us since we both attempted to put our lives back on track as best we were able. Recently, however, I began working up the courage to test the waters once more; a feat mastered in no small part with the diligence of Anya’s colleague in the psychiatric field.

  The little white box in my possession contained the collar Noah gave me right before our lives went to Hell in a hand basket. I found a jeweler in the city a month prior who successfully repaired it. I intended to return it with the hope of wearing it again now that the world was no longer imploding. The difference between a dominant man and a sadistic, controlling man clearly lay in the simplest acts of trust. Noah required my consent as a rule because he wanted it. Noah proved himself based on his patience with me that he would never turn into the raging psychopath his brother became. Not even close. I refused to allow my trust in him to fade away in light of those awful events.

  At Noah’s building the doorman tipped his hat to me as he held the tall glass door open. Renewed, eager butterflies crashed into each other in my stomach on the elevator up, reminding me of the rush the very first weekend we ever spent together brought on.

  I slipped the key into the lock and called into the apartment when I shut the door behind me, “I’m here!”

  A few seconds later Noah rolled out into the hall from the back bedroom in an office chair. He caught the lip of the doorframe with one hand to keep from crashing into the wall on the other end of the hall and pointed to the phone against his ear. A theatric roll of his eyes indicated the day had been too long for his liking as well. I kicked off my shoes at the entryway. The cool hardwood felt amazing on my feet after a day of running around to every edge of the city imaginable completing observatory work as well as Piper Is Not Crazy paperwork.

  Noah muted the phone in his hand as I approached. “Your Agent Schrödinger called me earlier.”

  I laughed louder than I probably should have. “Detective Schrader, you mean?”

  “That’s the one. He said he had some important news. Unfortunately, this conference call will not end to save my life so I’m going to call him back in a little while. If I don’t hang myself with my tie first that is.”

  “No rush. Mind if I use your shower? I’ve been downtown too long and need to wash the grime of the city off me.”

  He spun the chair to face the length of the hallway. “For a price.” I placed my hands on either side of the chair and leaned in to kiss him. He smiled. “Access granted.”

  “You’re a life saver.”

  “Don’t I know it.”

  I let the morbid humor stand, kissed him once more, and disappeared into his bedroom at the front of the hallway to scrub away the grunge of the day. My scars, deep and imposing, healed over better than I expected. The larger scars wouldn’t fade for a long time if they faded at all. They still made me self-conscious about my choice of attire. No more low backs on any of my shirts or dresses, and no more revealing bathing suits over the summer; mostly because I didn’t feel like explaining the origin of the scars to random, staring strangers.

  I stepped from the shower half an hour later. All of that time had been dedicated to steeling myself to dive back in to life with Noah the way we originally began. For the life of me I couldn’t stop shaking when I wondered if he even still wanted me in that way. Six months went by without a mention of sex. Did that mean he no longer wanted it from me? I threw on the silk robe that had more or less become mine over the past year, the one with the Chinese dragon climbing up the back, and started drying my hair with the towel.

  As I stepped from the bathroom into Noah’s bedroom, I heard him finishing up a conversation on his cell. “Thank you. Yes, I’ll let you know. Just send me the file and we’ll be there. May twenty third for the arraignment you said? Sure. Thanks again for keeping me apprised. You do the same.”

  He let out a heavy sigh as he walked into the room and met me near the foot of the bed. His button-down shirt was open and his striped red tie hung loose around his neck, just giving me a glimpse of his scar left over from the bullet wound. It completely healed for the most part, but it was still prominent just off to the left side of his chest. It became a constant, somber reminder to us that we were both worth dying—and killing—for.

  “Hey, sweetness; guess who I just got off the phone with.”

  I finished ringing the water out of my hair with the dark towel. “Who?”

  Noah chuckled, “Guess.”

  “Sarcastic shot in the dark: The Illuminati?”

  He discarded his phone on the dresser with a clatter. “Close, the FBI. That’s why Schrader called. Border Patrol picked up Selene when she tried to sneak across to Canada with another set of falsified documents. Turns out, the government isn’t too keen on conspiracy to commit homicide. Less so with tax evasion. Her Aussie adventures coupled with identity theft and defrauding the IRS and on top of the charges against her for her part in what Ethan did to you will put her away for, well, a very long time.”

  “Best news I’ve heard all year. Though, I sort of wish I could talk to her once more. I’d really love to know why she did what she did.”

  He shrugged. “Does it matter? The best I can come up with at this point is that love makes people to stupid things. We’re both living examples of that. Maybe it’s true for her, too.”

  Maybe it was better if I didn’t know Selene’s motivations. It wouldn’t change the past. It wouldn’t bring any further closure to me than already existed.

  “We should celebrate,” I finally said.

  “Are you thinking Maui? I’m thinking Maui. Or Moscow. Someplace with an M.”

  “I was thinking something a little closer to home.”

  “Oh?”

  I took one extra step to close the distance with him so we were almost touching. “Something a little more… intimate.”

  His eyes widened with a mixture of surprise and intrigue. “Oh. Go on.”

  “I’ve been thinking a lot lately and, before I ramble on, I’ll just ask; I wanted to know if you would take me back as your submissive? Only if you still want me, I mean.”

  “Piper, I—”

  “Here, look,” I pulled the small package I brought with me from my purse on the dresser. I opened the lid to show him the collar; polished and as close to new as the jeweler could get considering its custom design. “I even got it fixed. You still have the key, right?”

  “Stop.” He placed his hand on mine to keep me from taking it out of the box. “I still have the key. And of course I still want you, love. I’ve never not wanted you. But, has it been long enough for you? Why don’t we start with normal sex first and work our way back up to the kink?”

  “I feel sort of guilty about that. It’s what we both enjoy.”

  He waved away my guilt. “Thrilled as I am to hear you say that; don’t push yourself into this for my benefit.”

  “I have to.”

  Noah looked a little bewildered. “Why?”

  “Bec
ause I need it as much as you do,” I explained. “I need to belong to you the same way I did before. I haven’t quite felt complete, and I think that’s why. You’ve been so patient and devoted to me through everything. You’ve not pressured me back into anything I wasn’t ready for. It’s one of the many reasons I love you. And because if I don’t take a leap of faith now, I might be too afraid to try again later. I don’t want to take that away from either of us. I won’t let Ethan take that away from us, especially not posthumously.”

  He brushed his fingers across my cheek. “Are you sure you’re ready to start again?”

  “As ready as I ever will be, Sir. I’ve always been yours. Please.”

  “Very well.” Noah smiled, visibly pleased at my preparedness, as he took the newly repaired collar from its box and slipped it around my neck. He threaded the lock into place but didn’t close it. “Do you remember the promise I made when I gave this to you?”

  “To hold my safety and security above everything.” The same reason I opened myself to him now.

  “Good memory,” he said. He took the box from me and placed it back in my bag.

  I smirked coyly. “Good Master.”

  “I’m not going to push you hard this time. You’ve been through enough. We’ll take it slow to test the waters. Okay?”

  “Okay,” I agreed. He tilted his head forward and looked at me expectantly. “Okay, Sir.”

  The lock snapped into place between his fingers. “Good girl. Now, about that celebration… turn around for me.”

  “Why?”

  “Turn around,” he repeated, his voice soft and commanding. He kissed me, and then guided me so my back was to him.

  Noah ran his hands up the fabric of the robe on my arms. The warmth of his chest against my back almost made me melt straight away. He hooked his fingers under the collar of the silk robe and tugged to separate it. Out of reflex I tensed and tightened my arms across my chest.

  “Trust me,” he muttered against my ear. “Your Master won’t ever harm you. Relax, my pet.”

  His hand came to rest just above my collarbone with his fingers loosely gripping my throat. His thumb stroked my skin in a reassuring touch. He leaned down to kiss my neck as I barely managed to whisper, “Yes, Sir.”