Poison & Wine

by Melissa Toppen

  She may not realize the magnitude of this moment but I sure as hell do.

  I take a deep breath in and blow it out slowly before lifting my fist and knocking.

  The door swings open seconds later and Jace appears, looking too good to be true in black athletic shorts and a white tee.

  “Hey.” He smiles. “What are you…” His words die on his lips when Ellie comes skipping up next to me.

  “Hi, Wace.” She holds out the flower she picked.

  His eyes instantly water over as he stares down at her. It’s like he can’t believe what he’s seeing. I’ve honestly felt that way since the moment she was born. She’s perfect, in every facet of the word.

  “For me?” he questions, his voice thick.

  “Yep.” She rocks back on her heels, letting him take the flower from her hand.

  “Thank you. I love it.”

  “Mama, can we go now?” She once again tugs on my hand impatiently.

  “One second, baby,” I speak directly to her before turning my attention back to Jace. “Ellie and I were going to play at the park down the street. We thought maybe you’d like to join us.”

  “Seriously?” He seems surprised but it doesn’t mask his excitement either.

  “Seriously.”

  “I would love to. Let me get some shoes on.”

  “Okay.” I watch him from the open doorway. He stops at the kitchen counter, laying the flower Ellie gave him next to the sink before taking a seat on the bed to slip on his shoes.

  “Ready.” His smile is so big I swear it’s nearly splitting his face in half. I haven’t seen him smile like that in years…

  “Awesome. Hey, Ellie. You ready?” I call to my daughter who’s wandered several feet into the backyard, talking to every bug and bee she sees.

  “Yay! Park!” She comes running toward us. “Mama, can we do the up down?”

  “Yes honey, we can do the up down.” I laugh at the expression on Jace’s face. “Teeter totter.” I smile. “You’ll have to learn to speak Ellie,” I tell him in a hushed voice.

  “Noted.” He chuckles.

  Ellie skips a few feet ahead of us, her patience clearly waning. I don’t mind though. She’s in perfect view and honestly, it gives me and Jace a chance to talk.

  “Sorry to just spring this on you,” I say. “Ellie really wanted to go to the park and I went back and forth with inviting you to join us.”

  “Well, for what it’s worth, I’m really glad that you did,” he says, his eyes glued on the little girl in front of us. “She’s beautiful.”

  “She is, isn’t she?”

  “She looks so much like you.”

  “You think? I always thought she favored you. Well, other than the hair of course.” I tug on the end of my ponytail.

  “The eyes maybe. Other than that, she’s all you.”

  “You say that now. Wait until you see her little attitude. She is her father reincarnated.” I don’t miss the way his expression shifts, like he’s not sure if he should be happy about this fact or not.

  “I didn’t expect this.” His gaze slides to mine. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” I grab his hand, lacing my fingers with his.

  The remainder of the walk is quiet. Jace watches Ellie and I spend most of the time watching him. He seems absolutely captivated by her. And really, who could blame him? It’s not every day you get to meet a daughter that up until a day ago you didn’t even know existed.

  I can tell he’s overwhelmed, but he also seems happy. Deliriously so. He smiles and laughs at quite literally every move she makes.

  When we reach the neighborhood park, I’m relieved to see that there aren’t many people here. A mom and her son, and one other family. It makes it easier to keep an eye on Ellie when there aren’t as many people. When it’s busy I have to chase her around the whole time just to keep her in eye sight.

  She heads to the small little castle area that has a rock wall going up, a few hidden corridors, and a slide going down. Ellie isn’t quite big enough for the rock wall yet, but luckily there is a small set of steps next to it that she has no trouble with.

  I let her go, laughing when she turns to wave as soon as she reaches the top.

  “Do you think it would be okay if I…” Jace points toward the castle.

  “You want to go play with her?” I take a guess at what he was going to say.

  “I mean, if that’s okay.”

  “Of course.”

  He leans in and kisses me on the cheek before taking off after Ellie.

  I spend the next hour watching the two of them together. He’s a natural with her. Patient. Kind. And he seems to speak in a language that she understands. It’s like there’s this instant bond between the two of them.

  It makes my heart so full, yet I can’t ignore the worry that comes along with it.

  Every time she laughs, I wonder how many times he’ll make her cry. Every time he picks her up and her loud squeals fill the air, I wonder how many other times he’ll let her down. It’s a back and forth, push and pull I know we are bound to struggle with.

  Maybe keeping Jace from Ellie would have been the safe choice but I still believe it wasn’t the right one. Seeing the two of them together. Witnessing their matching smiles up close… It’s something I couldn’t have imagined in my wildest dreams.

  In this moment, he’s my old Jace. The boy I adored. The man I fell in love with. I say a silent prayer that things will stay like this forever. Because I want them too.

  But I also recognize the tight rope we’re teetering on. One false move and instead of standing upright, we’ll all be tumbling to the ground below. I’ve seen how quickly it can happen first hand.

  My mind wanders back to the night of the accident. I think deep down I knew that Jace was still using, but in my heart I wanted to believe that he was changing so badly that I made myself believe the lie. I can’t ever make that mistake again.

  I have to see Jace for who he is. No matter how badly I want to believe the good, I can’t ignore the warning signs this time around. I can’t turn a blind eye and hope that things will get better.

  The decision to do so the first time nearly cost me my life. I can’t put Ellie in that kind of danger.

  I’m terrified. Petrified, really. Because no matter how sweet it all tastes right now, with Jace Matthews you never truly know if what you’re drinking is poison or wine until it’s already too late.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  OAKLEY

  Four years ago…

  * * *

  “Where are we going?” I ask Jace as he helps me into the old beat-up pickup truck.

  “You’ll see.” He smiles, closing my door before practically skipping around the truck.

  He’s in a good mood. A really good mood. In fact, he’s happier than I’ve seen him in a while.

  The last year hasn’t been easy. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs. With more downs if I’m being honest. But I finally feel like things are starting to get back on track. We’ve had a pretty good month. I just wish I could say that about all the months before this one.

  Even though he promised me he would quit drinking and using drugs nearly a year ago, he’s continued to do so. The only difference is, he’s been more secretive about it. I eventually catch him, he promises it won’t happen again. Until the next time that is, and the cycle continues to repeat.

  He’s been trying though. He’ll stay clean for a few weeks and then slip, but he always finds his way back. It’s been a rough road, but I know we can get through it. We have to. Because honestly, to me there isn’t another option. I see the progress he’s made and how hard he’s working to get his life back on track.

  He graduated high school, even though no one thought he would. I spent countless hours studying with him and helping him with extra credit to get his grades up enough to pass. I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder of him than when they called him up on that stage and handed him his dipl
oma.

  He decided not to go to college right away. Truth be told, I don’t think school is for him, and that’s okay. He’s been working part time at McCulley’s, the local welding manufacturer here in town, and while I know he doesn’t love it, the fact that he's doing it anyway speaks volumes. It means he’s trying.

  I’m ten months into my first year of nursing school. It’s a lot harder than I expected, but like Jace, I’m keeping my eyes on the prize. Between the money we’re both saving, and the type of employment I can get once I graduate, it’s only a matter of time before we’re watching Parkview disappear in the rearview mirror. And once that happens, I don’t ever plan to go back.

  “You’re being very mysterious tonight,” I tell Jace when he settles into the driver’s seat next to me.

  He grins, firing the engine to life. It rumbles loudly, causing the seat to vibrate beneath me.

  It’s an absolute POS. Rusted, chipped paint. Cracked and torn seats. A passenger window that won’t budge. But Jace bought it for himself and that makes me love it. Because for the first time ever, he has something that belongs to him. And with his home life the way it is, he needs that.

  I know he was hoping to leave his father’s the minute he turned eighteen, but truth be told it just wasn’t feasible. There’s no way we could afford an apartment and save money at the same time. So, like many things, Jace is sacrificing for me. Though most nights he stays at my house anyway, much to my mother’s dismay.

  She never used to allow it, and now that I’m an adult, she still doesn’t really allow it. More like she just looks the other way. I think at this point she’s just done dealing with me and she knows that if Jace is with me, then I won’t be in her hair.

  It’s sad, really. I’ve always wished I could have a better relationship with my mom, but it’s like she wasn’t hardwired with the motherly instinct to love her children no matter what. She’s not great with the twins either, though she treats them a hell of a lot better than she’s ever treated me.

  “Mysterious?” Jace comments after a long moment, dropping the truck into gear.

  “What’s up with you?” I quirk an eyebrow. I can’t pinpoint it but he seems different...

  “Nothing, why?”

  “You just seem… I don’t know. Happy.”

  “And that’s a bad thing?” He pulls out onto the street.

  “No, of course not.” I shake my head, staring at the side of his face.

  I thought he seemed off before we left but I didn’t really question it. Now, I don’t know. I can’t seem to shake the feeling that something is up.

  Jace isn’t an overly happy person. In fact, more often times than not, he’s stressed out and miserable. A product of dealing with his father. To see him in such rare form, I don’t know, it makes me suspicious.

  “So…” I continue, “where are we going?”

  “Well, I guess I can tell you now. Jared’s having a party down by the lake. Thought it might be fun for us to join in on the festivities. It’s been so long since we’ve just hung out with friends.”

  “Jared?” I question. “As in your ex-dealer, Jared?” I give him a pointed look, but because he keeps his eyes on the road he doesn’t see it.

  “Relax, Oak. He’s not a dealer. He’s just a friend. And he’s clean now.” He holds up two fingers. “Scout’s honor.”

  “Clean? Is that why I saw him outside of Barkley’s the other day looking higher than a kite?” I accuse.

  “He was probably just high, Oak. Weed isn’t the same thing as heroin or pills.”

  “Gateway drug,” I mutter, crossing my arms in front of my chest. “It starts with weed but how long until he’s back on the hard stuff?” I ask a valid question that he doesn’t have a chance to answer because I keep talking. “I thought you two didn’t hang out anymore.”

  “We don’t. Well, we hadn’t. But we ran into each other a couple of weeks ago and got to talking. He’s a good guy, Oak. I don’t know why you hate him so much.”

  “Um, because he was supplying my boyfriend with drugs,” I say like it should be obvious. “That’s why you didn’t want to tell me. Because you knew I wouldn’t want to go,” I accuse, my good mood quickly deteriorating.

  “No, I thought it would be a nice surprise.”

  “A nice surprise?” I gawk at him. “Have you lost your mind? Why in the world would I want to go to a party where I know there will be drinking and drugs, with my boyfriend who I’m trying to keep from drinking and drugs?”

  “You know, you used to be a lot more fun.” He laughs. He actually laughs, like that’s somehow supposed to be funny.

  “Are you high?” I accuse, a sinking feeling forming in the pit of my stomach.

  “What?” He snorts. “Of course not.”

  “You are. You’re high right now.” If his overly happy behavior wasn’t a dead giveaway, his reaction to my question sure is.

  “Oakley.” He laughs again. “You’re being ridiculous.”

  “Am I?” I start scouring the truck. I pull open the glove box and start to rummage through the contents.

  “What the hell are you doing?”

  “If you’re not high and you haven’t been getting high then it shouldn’t matter what I’m doing,” I tell him, slamming the glove box shut when I find nothing inside other than some papers and an old manual.

  “Seriously?” He throws me a sideways glance when I unlatch my seatbelt and start sliding my hand under the seat.

  I know I’m getting close when he reaches across the console and grabs my arm.

  “Oakley! What the fuck?”

  “Focus on the road,” I bite at him, shaking off his hold.

  Continuing to feel around, my fingers graze along what feels like a Ziploc bag. I grab it and pull it out, expecting it to be trash. What I find instead sends my entire world spinning on its axis.

  It’s a Ziploc bag, alright. A Ziploc bag filled with a syringe and needle, a bent, burnt looking spoon, and a small plastic bag filled with a white powdery substance.

  I seriously can’t believe what I’m seeing.

  “What the fuck?” The instant the words are off my lips, Jace makes a grab for the bag but I manage to pull it back just in the nick of time. “What is this?” I all but scream through the cab of the truck.

  “I can explain.”

  “Explain what? Explain why there’s heroin in your truck? You said you quit. For weeks you’ve been telling me you haven’t used.”

  “And I hadn’t. I just… I had a really bad day last week. I needed something to take the edge off.”

  “Last week?” I shriek. “Have you been using this entire week?”

  “It’s not as bad as you’re thinking.” He tries to downplay the situation.

  “Are you high right now?”

  “What, no.”

  “Jace, tell me the truth. Are you high?”

  It’s not always easy to tell. Sometimes he’s like a zombie who can barely keep his eyes open. Other times he’s like a Tasmanian devil, jumping so fast from one thing to the other that you can’t keep up with what the hell is going on. And then sometimes he’s insanely happy. Kind of like when a person gets a couple of drinks in them and is starting to feel good.

  When he doesn’t say anything, he answers my question for me.

  “Pull over,” I demand.

  “What?” His gaze flips to me.

  “Pull the truck over.”

  “Stop acting crazy.”

  “Jace, so help me god if you don’t pull this truck over…”

  “I’m completely fine, Oakley. I wouldn’t have gotten behind the wheel if I wasn’t.”

  “You’re not fine. You might think you are but you’re not. And I don’t want to be in this truck with you driving. Now pull over.”

  “I’m not pulling over. You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

  “Am I?” My voice shoots up an octave.

  “Just relax, babe. Everything is good.”

>   “Do not babe me. I can’t believe you lied to me… again. I can’t believe you let me get in this truck with you. I can’t believe I keep letting you do this to me. Over and over again. Is it ever going to stop? Are you ever going to stop?”

  “I’ve got it under control.” He tilts his head from side to side, cracking his neck.

  “Do you? Because I don’t think you do. I think this whole time you’ve been showing me what I’ve wanted to see and not what’s actually going on. You treat me like I’m stupid. Like I can’t see past your charades.”

  Before I realize what’s happening, he jerks the truck off the side of the road, slamming the breaks. The tires skid along the gravel that lies right beyond the pavement before he pulls the truck back up, doing a U-turn in the center of the road.

  “Jace!” I brace against the door.

  “You don’t want to go to the party, we won’t go to the party.” His nostrils flare, his mood shifting so fast I can barely keep up with the change.

  “This isn’t about the party. It’s about you.”

  Why can’t he see that I just want what’s best for him? That I just want to help him?

  “It’s about me.” He laughs angrily. “You mean it’s about you trying to mother me.”

  “What?” I draw back. “Is that what you think I’m doing?”

  “This is why I never wanted you to find out about the drugs. Because ever since you did, everything has been different. You’re uptight. You worry constantly. And you try to police everything I fucking do. Well I’m sick of it. I’m a grown fucking man and I can do whatever the fuck I want.” With that, he slams the gas pedal, sending the truck lunging forward.

  “Jace, slow down,” I plead, his behavior unpredictable and erratic. “You’re scaring me.”

  It’s like he doesn’t hear me. He doesn’t speak, doesn’t react, he just presses forward, the truck engine protesting as he pushes it to its limits.

  I grab the door, my heart pounding heavily against my ribs.

  “Jace!” I try again, watching the dark fields pass by us in a blur.