Poison & Wine
Page 19
In that moment, I realize I didn’t put my seatbelt back on. Grabbing the strap, I get it over my shoulder right as I feel the truck pull to one side. I don’t know what happens, or how it happens. But all I know is one minute we’re upright and the next I feel like I’m flying through the air.
The sound of glass breaking and metal crunching accosts my ears, then everything goes black…
Chapter Twenty-Four
JACE
* * *
“Hey man.” Mike slides up next to where I’m switching out an oil filter on a neon yellow Mustang.
I’ve been training with some of the mechanics doing basic maintenance, and while I wasn’t really sure if I’d be any good at working on cars, I’ve actually found it comes pretty naturally.
I spoke to Devin yesterday about the possibility of training to become a certified mechanic and he seemed enthusiastic by the prospect. He even offered to pay for my certification and gave me the number to call to set it up.
I didn’t necessarily envision this as my career path, but when you have the record I do, a lot of options are off the table. And I’ve made my peace with that. It may not be the most glamorous job, but it’s an honest way to earn a living. And really, that’s all I care about.
I want to stand on my own two feet, and for the first time in almost four years, help Oakley support our daughter. I know financially she doesn’t need my help but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to contribute. Ellie is my daughter too.
“Hey.” I straighten my posture, dropping the old oil filter into the drain pan on the floor next to me.
“It’s been a hell of a day. I think I’m gonna hit up a meeting after work. You wanna come with?”
“Actually, I have dinner plans tonight,” I say, unable to mask the smile that slides across my face.
“Oh yeah.” He shoves my shoulder. “Who’s the lucky lady?”
“Well, she’s about this tall.” I hold my hand up to my outer thigh. “Red hair. Blue eyes. The cutest fucking freckles you’ve ever seen.”
“Do you have some kind of fetish I need to know about?” He jabs at me.
Up to this point I have yet to tell anyone about Ellie. I guess I needed time to process it on my own, before sharing it with other people. That, and I didn’t know how any of it would play out. Truth be told, I still don’t. But like my sobriety, I’m taking it one day at a time.
It’s been nearly a week since I joined Oakley and Ellie at the park. And while I’ve tried to be patient, it’s been a challenge to not hound Oakley to let me see her every five minutes. Although, she’s been really good about letting me spend time with Ellie. It’s normally only an hour or sometimes less, usually in the evenings, but at this point I’ll take whatever I can get.
She’s trying to acclimate me slowly and not overwhelm Ellie, and I get that. But I can’t help but want to spend every single moment of every single day with her.
Right now I’m still her mom’s friend, Wace. But one day, I hope to hear that sweet little voice call me Dad.
“Actually,” I shift my weight, “she’s my daughter.”
I don’t miss the look of surprise that crosses Mike’s face.
“I didn’t know you had a kid. Tommy never said anything about it.”
The mention of my brother comes with an air of sadness. I miss him. Every fucking day. And I know how much he would have loved Ellie. Fuck, he probably would have spoiled her rotten. It kills me that he’ll never get to meet her, but I hold some comfort in knowing that he’s looking down on us and fucking happy as hell for me.
“I, uh, actually just found out last week.”
“No shit?” He gapes at me. “How the hell did that come about?”
“Well, I’ve told you about Oakley.”
“Yeah.” He nods.
“What I haven’t told you is that the reason she left me is because after I nearly killed her in a car accident, she found out she was pregnant. She knew she couldn’t trust me anymore and in an attempt to keep our baby safe, she left.”
Mike already knows about the accident, having attended a few meetings with me. I talk about my past a lot. It gives me an outlet to sort through a lot of the feelings that still plague me on a daily basis.
“And how did you find out about her?”
“Oakley told me. Well, after I kind of pieced it together. It’s been a lot. Over the last week she’s been letting me see her here and there. Fuck, my daughter’s incredible. I never knew I could be so happy, yet so scared at the same time. I just want to put a bubble around her and protect her from… well, people like me.” I grunt.
“Welcome to parenthood. You think it’s bad now, just wait until she’s a teenager. You worry about them more when they’re older than you do when they are little.”
“Don’t tell me that. I’m already sick with worry as it is.” I blow out a hard breath through my nose.
“You’ll be fine, Jace. If there’s one thing I can say about being a father, it’s that you’ll never do anything harder, or more rewarding, in your entire life. It’s life changing.”
“Fuck yeah it is. I’ve only known about her for a week and everything already feels different. It felt different the moment I laid eyes on her.”
“Yep. That’s how it happens. One day you’re living one life. The next, you have this little human depending on you and suddenly all your priorities shift.”
“I’m honestly still trying to wrap my head around all of it.”
“So what about the girl… Oakley. Are you two a thing? I know you’ve been staying with her.”
“Yeah.” I shuffle my feet. “I guess you could say we are. Or at least, we’re trying to be. So much shit has happened. It’s kind of hard to erase everything I put us through and pick up where we left off.”
“You shouldn’t be trying to pick up where you left off. You’re sober now, and a father. Life is different. Therefore your relationship is bound to be different too.”
“Yeah, that’s true. I just really don’t want to let her down. Either of them.”
“Then don’t.”
“You say that like it’s so simple.”
“Nothing is simple. But if you want it bad enough, you can do it. Hell, we’re both proof of that.”
“I wish my brother was here.”
“Me too, man.” He clasps me on the shoulder. “Me too. Hell, he’d be giving you so much shit right now.” He chuckles.
“Yeah, he would.” I smile in spite of the pit in my stomach.
“I know it’s not the same, but if you ever need to get some shit off your chest, outside of a meeting, I’m here. Whatever you need.”
“I appreciate that, Mike. Thank you.”
He nods. “Well, I guess I should get back to it. You enjoy dinner with your little lady tonight.”
“Oh I will.” I smile, watching him turn and head to the opposite end of the garage.
I turn my attention back to the car I’m working on but my focus is shit. I’m so anxious and excited about tonight that I feel like I’m about to crawl my way out of my own skin.
This will be the first time I’ve actually shared a meal with Oakley in years. God, I can’t even remember the last time we sat across a table from each other. And knowing Ellie will be joining us makes it that much fucking sweeter.
My two girls. Cooking me dinner. Fuck, my heart is so full it feels like it might explode at any moment.
I know we have a long road ahead of us. And Oakley has been very upfront about how slow she wants to take all this. And I’m okay with that. Don’t get me wrong, a part of me wants to propose marriage and move in with her tomorrow because I can’t wait to start this new chapter of our lives together. But I know it’s not that simple.
I hurt Oakley and I can still see it when she looks at me. She’s scared I’m going to do it again. And I can’t blame her. The only way I can curb her fear is by showing her that she has nothing to worry about. And the way I do that is by staying sober.
Sometimes you just have to find the right perspective. Sure, I could have used Tommy’s death as an excuse to slip. I could have allowed the darkness I felt, and still feel, take me under. How easy it would have been to lose myself to the high. To feel that familiar burn in my veins. But how could I do that when the thing I once craved so intensely is the thing that stole my brother from this earth?
At first it was for Oakley. Then it was for Tommy. Now it’s for the both of them, and my daughter.
Sobriety is a choice. And today, I choose to live my life of sound mind and body. I choose to kiss the girl I love and feel the softness of her lips rather than the numbness of the drugs. I choose to watch my daughter with clear vision and a full heart.
I choose this life.
And I’ll continue to choose this life until the day my heart stops beating.
It’s not just a promise to them anymore. It’s a promise to myself. And it’s a promise I have absolutely no intention of ever breaking.
Chapter Twenty-Five
OAKLEY
* * *
“What’s this I hear about dinner with mommy’s friend, Wace?” Keira props a hand on her hip and hits me with a pointed look.
“I invited Jace over for dinner tonight,” I say, moving about the kitchen as I put groceries away.
Keira stopped by to drop off Ellie’s stuffed elephant that she left there last night. Since I’m off for the next two nights, she knew Ellie would want it. Really I think she wanted a reason to grill me about Jace.
I’ll give her credit, she has been biting her tongue as of late. But after the altercation with Lance, I knew it was only a matter of time before she couldn’t keep her opinion to herself anymore.
“Oakley.” She blows out a breath.
“Look, I already know what you’re going to say and I don’t want to hear it. I love him, Keira. I never stopped loving him.”
“You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t know that you’ve been holding onto this idea? That one day he would come back and everything would be the way it was supposed to be. But Oakley, are you sure this is the right move? What if he slips? What if he falls back into old habits? You barely survived the first time.”
“I know it’s a possibility. I’m not the same naïve teenager I used to be. I know who he is and what he’s capable of. But I also know the good inside of him. I know the kind of man he can be. The kind of man he wants to be.”
“I want to support you, I do.”
“Then do it.” I turn, balling a grocery bag in my hand.
“It’s just… I’m worried about you.”
“You don’t have to worry about me. I know what I’m doing.”
“And if this doesn’t go the way you’re hoping it does? Then what?”
“Then I’ll deal with it when that time comes. But Keira, he’s her father,” I say in a hushed voice, pointing in the vicinity of Ellie’s room where she’s playing. “What kind of mother would I be if I at least didn’t try?”
“Okay.” She sighs.
“Okay?”
“Yeah, okay. Clearly your mind is made up. I can’t say I agree, but I love you. And if this is what you feel like you need to do then I’ll stand by you.”
“You will?” I’m a little taken aback.
“Yes, I will.” She rounds the island to stand in front of me. “You are like a sister to me. Hell, you are my sister. I don’t want this to create a wedge between us. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me.”
“Thank you.” Emotion wells in my chest. “You have no idea how much that means to me. This isn’t easy. Any of it. But it’s what I feel like I have to do.”
“I get it.” She shrugs, not missing the look of disbelief that crosses my face. “What? Don’t look at me like that. It’s not like I don’t understand. But it’s my job to protect you.”
“No, Ki. It isn’t. I know you feel like it is. And there’s no way I’ll ever be able to thank you for everything you did for me and Ellie, for everything you still do. But we are not your responsibility. I’m sorry if I made you feel like we needed to be.”
“I just need to know you’re taken care of.”
“I am. And while I know this situation is less than ideal, I truly believe it’s the right thing. For all of us. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be doing it.”
“I know. And I trust your judgement. I just want you to be careful.”
“I will. I promise.” I snag her hand, squeezing her fingers.
“Okay then.” She smiles. “Well, I guess I should get out of your hair. I’m going out with a few co-workers tonight and I need to get home and shower.”
“A few co-workers?” I question.
“Yeah, Maria, Shawn, Harley, a few other people from sales. And Lance,” she tacks on.
“I see.”
“That’s okay, right? I know you two aren’t necessarily on good terms right now but he’s my friend.”
“Of course it’s okay. I’m just sorry is all.”
“For what?”
“For everything. I hate that you feel stuck between the two of us.”
“I don’t. And I’ve already told Lance that while he’s my friend and I’ll always be here for him, my allegiance lies with you. I didn’t want him thinking he could vent to me and have me not take your side. Because Oak, I’ll always be on your side.”
“I love you.” I squeeze her hand again before releasing it.
“I love you too.”
“Now go, get out of here. Go have fun tonight. You deserve it.”
“As do you.” She turns, heading toward the front door. “And Oak,” she pauses in the doorway, “for what it’s worth, I really hope all this works out.”
“Yeah.” I force a smile. “Me too.”
“This is delicious, Oak,” Jace tells me, shoveling another bite of chicken parmesan into his mouth. “How did I not know you could cook like this?”
“Well, to be fair, I didn’t used to. Keira. She taught me a few things. She’s a master in the kitchen.”
“Don’t let me forget to thank her the next time I see her. Seriously, this is so good.”
“Is it really that good or is it because you eat microwave meals and ramen noodles all the time?” I give him a knowing look.
“It’s really that good.” He grins and I get the familiar swirl in my stomach that I’ve gotten used to feeling over the last few days.
I can’t explain it. Everything he does. Every smile. Every wink. Every crinkle of his forehead. It does something to me.
“What do you think, Ellie?” Jace turns his attention to the little girl sitting at the head of the table on either side of us.
She answers by picking up a handful of noodles and shoving them into her mouth, her fork abandoned on the side of her plate. She smiles around her mouthful of food.
“There you have it. I think she loves it too.” His gaze slides back to mine, his expression growing serious. “Thank you for this, Oak. Seriously. These last few days. Well, they’ve been the best of my life. And I owe it all to you.”
“You did this. Not me. You did the work. You got clean. You’ve earned the right to be here. And for what it’s worth, I’m really glad you are,” I tell him honestly.
“Me too.”
The remainder of our meal goes by with easy conversation and a lot of smiles and giggles, especially from Ellie. She adores Jace; that much was clear from the get-go. And her fondness has only grown over the past week.
While I clean up, Ellie drags Jace back to her bedroom to play. Even though he wanted to help me, I insisted he go with her. He should have this time with h
er. He’s already lost so much.
I purposely take my time, washing and drying each dish before putting them away. My heart feels light. My spirits high. And the sound of Ellie and Jace’s laughter floating from down the hall sure doesn’t hurt things.
I never thought I’d find this again. This peace. This comfort. And while yes, it’s not without worry and uncertainty, I wouldn’t change a single thing. I feel like after all these years we’re exactly where we were always meant to be.
Once I’m done cleaning, I tiptoe down the hall and listen to Jace and Ellie in her room. From the sound of it, they’re having a tea party. That much is clear when I hear them clinking their tea cups with all of Ellie’s friends—her stuffed animals.
When I peek my head into the open doorway, I have to cover my mouth with my hand to stifle a laugh. Jace is all crunched up in a tiny chair, pinky up as he drinks imaginary tea from a white, flowery cup.
Ellie is wearing her plastic tiara, per usual, because she always has to be the princess. And she’s somehow roped Jace into wearing a top hat that is entirely too small for him. If I’m not mistaken, it actually belongs to one of her teddy bears. Regardless, he looks adorable. They look adorable. And it’s one of those moments I wish I could bottle up and keep forever.
When Jace’s gaze swings in my direction, he gives me a wide, child-like smile and leans into Ellie, whispering something into her ear. Her eyes come to me and she gives me a toothy grin.
“It would appear as though the queen has arrived,” Jace announces, pulling out the tiny chair next to him. “Sorry, Mr. Rabbit, but you have to drink your tea on the floor,” he tells the stuffed animal, setting it on the floor to make room for me to sit.
“Mama needs her crown,” Ellie announces, hopping to her feet right as I’ve sat down.
Moments later, she returns from her dress up chest with a gold, plastic crown. I lean forward and let her place it on top of my head.
We spend the next hour sipping pretend tea and talking in horrible British accents. I can’t remember a time that I’ve laughed so much. It’s been the best night. A perfect night, and when we finally tuck our little girl into bed just after nine, I find myself wishing I could make it last a little bit longer.