Poison & Wine

by Melissa Toppen

  “Snug as a bug in a rug.” I tuck Ellie’s blanket tight around her little body, kissing her forehead the way I always do.

  Jace watches me from the opposite side of the bed. I can’t quite read his expression, but if I had to guess, I’d say he’s feeling a lot of what I am at the present moment.

  I straighten my posture and look down at Ellie who immediately turns toward Jace.

  “Wace, snug me.” She holds her arms out.

  “I think your mommy already did that.” He points to the blanket tucked around her.

  She wiggles around, tugging at the blanket until she’s undone everything I just did.

  “Snug me,” she tells him again. He looks at me and I nod, letting him know to go ahead.

  Leaning down, he repeats the process, tucking the blanket tightly underneath her.

  “Snug as a bug in a rug,” he repeats, leaning forward to kiss her forehead the exact same way I did when I was done.

  Tears prick the backs of my eyes. I can’t help it. Nothing can explain what this feels like. How incredible it is to be here, like this, after all these years. I swear I think a part of me is dreaming and that any minute I’ll wake up and none of this will be real.

  “Goodnight, sweet girl.” Jace looks down at Ellie for a long moment.

  “Goodnight, Wace.” She snuggles her elephant into her side. “Goodnight, Mama.”

  “Goodnight, baby.” I slowly back out of the room, waiting until Jace follows me into the hall before flipping off the light switch. Her unicorn nightlight immediately kicks on, casting pink and purple unicorns across her ceiling.

  Once I’m sure she’s not going to get up, which she does quite often, I slowly pull the door closed, leaving it cracked just enough that she can still see into the hallway.

  “I just can’t get over how perfect she is,” Jace says as he follows me into the living room.

  I take a seat on one side of the couch and he slides down next to me, dropping an arm around my shoulder before tugging me to his side.

  “She’s really taken a liking to you,” I tell him, shifting to rest my hand on his stomach.

  “Well the feeling is mutual.” I feel him smile into my hair.

  It feels so natural. Almost as easy as breathing. Like there hasn’t been a day that has passed where we haven’t done this very thing.

  “Stay the night.” I shift my gaze up to Jace’s face.

  “You’re sure?”

  “I am.” I press up, kissing his jaw.

  “You realize if I stay, you won’t be doing much sleeping.” He gives me a knowing look.

  “Oh my dear, Mr. Matthews. That’s what I’m counting on.”

  My eyes flutter open, the bright morning sun warming my face as I stretch out in bed. My hand instinctively goes to the right, where Jace had fallen asleep the night before, but to my disappointment, I find myself in bed alone.

  Sitting up, I throw my legs over the side of the bed and stand, grabbing my robe before heading to Ellie’s room to check on her. She usually wakes me up as soon as she’s awake, so I’m assuming she’s still sleeping.

  When I push open her bedroom door, I find her bed is empty seconds before I hear her laughter coming from the front of the house. Tightening my robe, I follow the sound.

  When I round the corner into the kitchen, I see Ellie in her booster seat, stuffing her little mouth full of pancakes. My gaze shifts to the stove where Jace is standing, a spatula in one hand and a heaping plate of pancakes in the other.

  “Perfect timing,” he announces. “Breakfast is ready.” He sets the plate on the table, drawing my attention to the fact that it’s already set with plates and silverware along with two fresh cups of coffee.

  “You did all this?” I question, sliding down into the chair next to Ellie.

  “Little Miss woke up pretty early. Thought I’d let you sleep in, so I asked if she was hungry. She was pretty insistent on pancakes.” He chuckles. “Luckily, that’s one thing I do know how to make.”

  “Jace.” I smile, looking around the table. “This is amazing. Thank you.”

  “It’s the least I can do. Besides, it’s your food. I just cooked it.” He grins, taking the seat across from me.

  “Mama, Wace made pwancwakes,” Ellie informs me excitedly.

  “I see that, baby.” I reach for my coffee.

  “Two teaspoons of sugar and a lot of cream,” Jace tells me, gesturing to the cup in my hand.

  “You remembered?”

  “How could I forget? Every morning before school you had to stop by Pam’s for a cup of coffee. And you always got it the same way.”

  “And you refused to get coffee.” My eyes dart to his coffee mug which is filled to the top with steaming black liquid. “You always hated it.”

  “I did.” He nods, picking up his own cup. “During my second stint in rehab, I got hooked on the stuff. Once I got past the horrible taste that is.”

  “Is that just straight black?” I ask, curling my nose.

  “It is.”

  “Well that’s your problem. That’s nasty.”

  “Believe it or not, I actually quite enjoy the flavor now.”

  I crinkle my nose. “To each their own, I guess.”

  “I got milk.” Ellie holds up her sippy cup, clearly just wanting to be part of the conversation.

  “You did? Yummy.” I reach forward and rustle her messy auburn curls.

  “Wace gave me the wellow cup.”

  “I see that. You love the yellow cup.” I turn my attention back to Jace. “Thank you for this. You really didn’t have to do all this.”

  “I wanted to.” He sips his coffee before setting the mug back onto the table. “I have to work this afternoon and I need to run a couple of errands when I get off. But I was hoping that when I get back I could stop by. It might be a little late.”

  “I’d like that.” I take a drink of my own coffee. “What kind of errands do you have to do?” I’m asking to make conversation, but for some reason it feels like I’m questioning if running errands is actually what he’s doing. Maybe it’s because a part of me is. I’ve learned the hard way that not everything Jace says is so black and white. At least it didn’t used to be.

  “I’m gonna stop by a meeting. Then I need to take care of a few other things.”

  “What kind of other things?”

  “It’s nothing really. Just something I want to take care of.”

  “You’re being awfully cryptic.” I can hear the accusatory tone in my voice.

  “And you’re asking a lot of questions,” he counters, his irritation showing.

  “Can you blame me?” As soon as the statement leaves my lips, guilt slams into me. I hate it. I hate that it has to be this way.

  “No.” He shakes his head. “I can’t. But I will ask that you trust me. I know I haven’t earned it yet, but I will. For now, just know that what I’m doing is for you and leave it at that.”

  “For me?” I question.

  “Oakley.”

  “Okay, fine,” I grumble, picking up my fork despite the fact that I have no food on my plate.

  “Hey.” He reaches across the table, his fingers skirting across the top of my hand. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m good. I promise. Hell, I’m way better than good. Right now, I feel about as close to perfect as I ever have.”

  “Me too.”

  “So, I’ll take care of what I need to take care of and then I’ll come by once I’m done.”

  “Okay.” I reach to the center of the table and grab a pancake, dropping it onto my plate.

  This is the part that scares me. The part where I’m expected to take him for his word and trust that he won’t end up with a drink in his hand, or worse, a needle in his arm. But this is what comes with the territory.

  I knew bringing Jace back into my life would have its complications. I knew I would constantly be worried and looking over my shoulder. The difference is, I’m no longer questioning if it’s worth it
. I know it is.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  OAKLEY

  * * *

  I’ve been waiting for hours for Jace to show. He should have been home a long time ago. I’m honestly not sure what’s keeping him and it’s been hard trying to keep my mind from going to the worst-case scenario. I keep envisioning him lying on a couch somewhere with a needle in his arm.

  I know it’s not fair. He’s given me no indication that he’s even been tempted to use since he came here. But when he says he’s going to run errands and come over after, but doesn’t show, what the hell else am I supposed to think.

  After pacing the living room for the better part of an hour, I decide to finally turn in for the night. Though I doubt I’ll get even an ounce of sleep.

  As soon as my head hits the pillow, I roll to one side and then to the other, trying to find a comfortable position. Eventually I end up on my back, staring at the dark ceiling.

  I run through everything that’s happened over the last few days. How happy I’ve been. How happy we both have been. I can’t see him throwing that all away.

  And yet, isn’t that exactly what he did last time?

  Have I been kidding myself into thinking he’s actually changed? Have I been seeing what I want to see because I am so desperate to hold onto this ridiculous idea of us in my head?

  At some point I finally doze off, though by the time I do it’s well after three in the morning. I toss and turn for the next few hours, waking every few minutes to look at the clock.

  When the sun starts to make its way through the blinds, I abandon any hopes of getting any real rest. Slipping on my robe and slippers, I peek in on Ellie, who’s still fast asleep, before quietly exiting out the back door.

  I know he’s not home. I know it before I push the door open and am standing inside the empty, quiet space of the garage apartment.

  “Where are you, Jace?” I say out loud, my worry over his whereabouts skyrocketing.

  Heading back into the house, I decide to call the shop. I doubt anyone is there this early but it’s worth a shot. After looking up the number on the internet, I punch it into my phone and press my back against the kitchen island as it rings.

  To my surprise after two rings, someone picks up.

  “Vance’s Auto,” the deep male voice fills the line.

  “Um, yeah, hi. I’m, um, I’m looking for Jace Matthews.”

  “He’s not here. Can I take a message?”

  “Um, no. Can you just, uh, can you just tell me if you’ve seen him?”

  “Can I ask who’s calling?”

  “Oh, sorry. This is Oakley. Oakley Pierson.”

  “Oakley.” I hear the recognition in the man’s voice. “It’s Devin. We met at Tommy’s funeral.”

  “Devin. Right.” I hadn’t recognized his voice, but now that I know who I’m talking to, it seems so obvious. “I’m sorry to call so early. It’s just… well, Jace never came home last night and I’m a little worried.”

  A little? That’s the understatement of the century.

  “He was here yesterday afternoon. Left around six, I think. I haven’t seen him since then.”

  “Okay, well thanks anyway.”

  “If you want to leave me your number, I’d be happy to give you a call if he turns up.”

  “Actually, that would be great. Thank you,” I say, quickly rambling off my number.

  I end the call a few seconds later, the nervous pit in my stomach twisting violently.

  Before I even realize what I’m doing, I’ve punched in the number to the emergency room.

  “Briar Memorial. This is Jane.”

  “Jane, it’s Oakley,” I rush out, knowing she knows who I am. We’ve worked together for the better part of a year.

  “Hey, Oakley. What’s up?”

  “Have you been there all night?” I ask.

  “I have. Just getting ready to head out. Why? What’s going on?”

  “I was wondering if you could tell me if you had any male patients come in last night. Mid-twenties. Brown hair. Blue eyes. Around six foot one. Probably one-eighty or so. His name is Jace Matthews.”

  “Um, not that I can recall. It was a pretty slow night. Hang on, I’ll check the system.” I hear her fingers clack against the keyboard as she checks the night’s records. “Nope,” she finally confirms. “We only had four patients come in. A thirty-six-year-old man. A forty-nine-year-old woman. A ten-year-old, and an infant. None of which are named Jace Matthews. Why? Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah. Everything is fine. Thank you so much for checking.”

  “Of course.”

  I quickly wrap up the call, feeling slightly better yet worse at the same time. Just because he didn’t turn up in my hospital doesn’t mean he didn’t go to a hospital. Or worse, didn’t make it to a hospital at all.

  I shake off the thought. I can’t think that way. And yet I can’t help it either. What else could explain why he never came home?

  Deciding I can’t just sit here, I head down the hall and wake Ellie. After getting her dressed, and dressing myself, I feed her some breakfast and load her into the car.

  I don’t know what I hope to accomplish but I have to do something.

  I drive through my neighborhood, scouring the streets for anyone that resembles Jace. Given that it’s still early, other than an older couple walking their dog, there isn’t anyone out.

  Next, I make my way to the church where I know Jace attends meetings. Unfortunately, the front doors are locked and there doesn’t seem to be anyone inside.

  Defeated and honestly a bit panicked, I drive to Keira’s house, praying like hell she’s home.

  When I pound on her front door less than fifteen minutes later, I’m relieved when she tugs it open. She doesn’t look like she’s fully awake, but the moment she catches the expression on my face, she quickly ushers me and Ellie inside.

  “So you haven’t heard from him at all?” Keira asks as she makes a pot of coffee, having listened to me ramble for the last five minutes.

  “I don’t think he has my number, so it’s not like he could call if he were in some sort of trouble.” I sigh, dropping my face into my hands. “I don’t know what to do.” I don’t bother to disguise the fear in my voice. I honestly don’t think I could if I wanted to.

  “Hey.” She steps in front of me, pulling my face away from my hands. “Everything is going to be okay. He probably just stayed at a friends or something.” She attempts to make me feel better, but it only makes it worse.

  “What friends?” I burst.

  “I don’t know. Maybe he crashed with one of the guys from the shop or something. Just because his boss hasn’t seen him doesn’t mean someone else hasn’t.”

  She’s not wrong, though the thought doesn’t give me much comfort.

  “Why would he do that though?”

  “Hard to say.” She shrugs, giving me an empathetic smile. “Maybe they went to a meeting and it ran late.”

  “That’s not how meetings work. Besides, the place he goes to is less than a mile from my house. Why wouldn’t he walk back home?”

  “Honestly Oak, I don’t know. I’m grasping at straws here.”

  “Can you keep Ellie for a little bit?” I ask abruptly.

  “Of course. Why? What are you going to do?”

  “Truthfully, I have no idea, but I can’t stand around and do nothing. And I don’t want to have to drag my poor girl all over god’s green earth looking for her father who I’m worried has relapsed.”

  “Say no more. I’ve got her. You go. Do what you have to do.” She lays a hand on my shoulder.

  “Thank you. I’ll call you as soon as I know anything.” I spin around and take off out of her apartment like someone has set it on fire behind me.

  I head back to the house first. Maybe there’s something in the apartment that can help me track down where Jace is. When I pull into the driveway, I have the car door open before I’ve even turned off the engine.

&nb
sp; I move with sheer determination. I have to stay focused. I can’t let myself fall apart.

  When I round the garage, my steps falter when I see that the apartment door is open and Jace is standing inside, his palms pressed down onto the counter as he leans forward, his head dropped down slightly.

  Relief floods through me at finding him, yet it doesn’t erase the fear I feel.

  “Jace?” I question hesitantly, not really sure what I’m going to find when he faces me.

  He jumps slightly at the sound of my voice before his tired gaze shoots to mine.

  “Where the hell have you been?” I ask, suddenly out of breath for some reason.

  “I can explain.” His voice is steady, even. He seems okay but I can’t be too sure. He’s fooled me before.

  “Are you high?” If nothing more, I have to know if he relapsed.

  “What?” He draws back like I’ve physically assaulted him. “No, of course not.”

  “Do not lie to me!” I scream, stomping my way toward him. I grab his chin, examining his face, his eyes, leaning in to make sure I don’t smell any alcohol on his breath.

  “What the fuck, Oak!” He shakes off the hold I have on him.

  “Tell me the truth,” I demand, completely invading his space.

  “I’m not fucking high!” The boom of his voice has me taking a step back. “I’m not high,” he repeats softer this time.

  “Forgive me if I don’t believe you.”

  “For fuck’s sake, Oakley. I’ve had one hell of a fucking night. I do not need this right now.”

  “Well too bad. You know what I don’t need? I don’t need to be up all night worrying about you. To be calling emergency rooms to make sure that no one matching your description was brought in. To drag my daughter out of bed at the butt crack of dawn to drive all over town trying to find you. So forgive me if I don’t give a shit about what you need right now!” I stomp my foot like a child. “Now tell me where the hell you were.”