Mid-Life Crisis Diaries

by Solon, Geraldine

  “I’m sorry for everything,” Blake whispered. “I never meant to hurt you.”

  A bird soared above the sky and the waves came crashing through the shore.

  Marsha swallowed hard. “But the truth is you did.”

  “I know, I’m a cold-bastard son of a bitch. You were right, I was going through a phase.” He ran his fingers across his hair. “And Jessica doesn’t mean anything to me.”

  Marsha didn’t say a word, allowing him to speak. The general idea of his entire conversation, which lasted a good twenty minutes before he ever got around to any point, was that he missed her. And that he’d made a huge mistake and was only just now realizing it. He spent a lot of time apologizing, though Marsha couldn’t really tell what for. There was plenty of built up resentment toward him from all the years they’d spent together, but didn’t Marsha spend hours and hours a day trying to get people to see past their mistakes and move on to making a bigger and brighter future? She even got paid for it! So she vowed to start pulling back the curtain on the way she looked at Blake, at least as far as her heart told her was safe.

  When Marsha asked Blake what he meant by saying he was sorry, what he was apologizing for exactly, his response really surprised her.

  “I think,” he finally admitted. “That I was going through a mid-life crisis. I mean, I didn’t do anything crazy like buy a bass boat or dye my hair, but I did act out, and that’s what I’m apologizing for. I wasn’t trying to ruin your life, or mine. I just…I just felt old all of a sudden, and I felt not worthy of you.”

  Marsha caught her breath. Had he really just said that? “Excuse me?” She asked.

  “Well, you’re a better person than me, and it gets a little overwhelming sometimes, to be honest.”

  “I…I don’t know what to say to that, Blake. I’m not a better person than anyone, let alone you. You’re a hard worker, you’re handsome, you make plenty of money. I don’t really understand what you’re getting at.”

  “You’re Marsha Caufield, hon. Love Guru. The one and only. I’m just your husband.”

  “I wouldn’t even be called Caufield without you, that doesn’t make any sense. You know what? I’m sorry, instead of saying I don’t understand what you’re saying, why don’t you just let me know what you mean and I’ll wait ‘til you’re done to ask questions. Okay?”

  “You’re…perfect,” he stated simply. “You work hard, you have your own business and you’re succeeding at it. I know you know this, but that’s something I’ve wanted my whole life. I know you didn’t do it on purpose, but for a long time, it kind of felt like you stole my idea. My idea to be a successful and a well-known entrepreneur. And that hurt. It kind of drove a wedge in at that point, all those years ago when your success started taking off, and I never got over it. Everything compounded from there, and the more you worked, the better you got at it and it drove me nuts! It didn’t matter what came your way, you had the natural ability to delegate when things needed to be delegated, and to take charge and show people who’s boss when you needed to as well,” he exhaled. “Unfortunately for me, I let that jealousy of you build up over the last ten years or so and it’s just been driving me farther and farther away.”

  Never in a million years would she have guessed that he felt that way! Not ever. It was coming as a complete shock that him being jealous of her was the reason he wandered off over the years.

  “I promise,” he continued when she didn’t say anything. “I promise I’ve never stepped outside our marriage before, and I feel really bad about it now. But I’m working on that.” He cleared his throat. “She’s not really someone I could see myself with forever, anyway. I mainly just needed some company, I don’t know if you realize, but you’ve been really busy lately.”

  Marsha realized Blake was giving her a peace offering, not an accusation. She had to remember that. “I’m sorry, I just. I didn’t realize…that this was all my fault.”

  “I didn’t say—”

  “That’s not what I meant, exactly. I wasn’t being mean.” She wanted to match his non-accusing tone as much as she could because that would further the conversation more efficiently and effectively. “I didn’t realize you felt abandoned by me, or I would have done something about it. You know, if I’d picked up on those signals that I get paid to watch out for every day. I’m really sorry about that, there’s no excuse for missing signals and red flags like that in your own marriage, there just really isn’t. I’m very sorry.” She didn’t want to go any further or he might take her part of the conversation as admittance for all the wrongdoing in the relationship. As it were, if they looked at it objectively, they were both at fault for the failed vows and lack of commitment they were currently experiencing.

  “I just felt like less of a man.”

  “But you were contributing financially just as much as I was, Blake.”

  “Yes, but…traditionally speaking, it didn’t feel like I was providing for you. It felt more like you could handle things all on your own and you didn’t really need me.”

  “Well, I did.” She paused to consider what to say next, and if she really meant it. “I still do.”

  Nothing was said between them for several minutes, only failed half attempts at saying something nice to the other person and those attempts usually just ended in an uncomfortable giggle and a restart.

  “Honestly, I thought I was losing you with how busy your schedule was. I didn’t feel important in your life anymore.”

  Marsha bowed her head down. “It’s not only your fault. I’m partly to blame for what happened. I never expected you to run away. I couldn’t understand how my best friend could walk away from me. My life has never been the same.”

  He reached out and brought her hand to his lips. “How do we start over?”

  A tightness on her chest was what Marsha felt. She loved Blake and couldn’t deny that there were still feelings, but there was no way she was taking him back that easily. After releasing his hand, Marsha picked up her sandals and rose. “I don’t know, Blake. I’m not the same person you knew. You’re not the same person either. I’m not closing my doors, but I do want to see what’s out there for me. I’m kinda getting used to not having you around and honestly, it isn’t too bad at all.”

  Blake’s jaw was wide open with no words coming out of his mouth.

  “I’ll see you around, Blake.”

  C H A P T E R 21

  “Morning,” Andre whispered, squeezing her side.

  “Morning.” Marsha rolled over and closed her eyes, tracing the curve of his jaw with her palm. If only he knew how her morning was. Andre kissed her gently, taking her top lip into his mouth, then her bottom lip, one at a time. It was the sweetest and best good morning kiss she’d ever had and it made her giggle. He rolled on top of her and swooped down into her neck to continue his work there, and within moments, she felt her panties sliding off. This is what she loved about Andre, the ability to be her naked self. The sex was always good and pure. She had nothing to hide from him and felt like she had known him for a long time.

  Marsha’s legs tensed as he entered her, more forceful this time, like he’d been dreaming about it and was here to finish the job.

  “Is this okay?” he asked, sliding gently in and out of her. Marsha’s back arched and he kissed her neck again. All she could do was mumble Yes and she was already breathing quicker. It didn’t take him any time at all to find the place that made her toes curl, and she let out another moan.

  Andre slid his hand underneath the small of her back and pulled her body closer to him, and his hand found its way down to her ass. He squeezed it tightly and pushed himself inside her, causing her to arch again.

  “I can last as long as you want me to, but…” he breathed into her ear.

  “No—please. Please, I’m ready!”

  Andre buried his face in hers and kissed her, over and over again, running his tongue over her teeth and breathing on her lips. Steadily his body moved faster, and she fel
t him twitch inside her. The movement sent a wave through her stomach and stretched all across the front of her body. Marsha let him hear how he was doing with a loud gasp, followed by a desperate attempt to not hyperventilate directly into his mouth. Her sounds drove him crazy and he growled until he finished, a long sound that sent shivers up her back. It was amazing to her that she could feel when he was finished. His whole body reacted, and he was pressing against her, so she felt it. Usually Blake would just give her a warning and then that was that. This was…a conversation between two adults. And his sounds drove her mad, she wanted to hear them always.

  “That—was a wonderful way to be woken up.” Marsha arched her neck forward to kiss him again before he collapsed next to her.

  “Agreed, you lovely thing. I can’t believe…we haven’t done that every day. I was dreaming about it, actually. That’s why I woke ready to go.” He smirked a boyish grin and looked into her eyes. “Sorry about that.”

  Marsha laughed. “There is nothing to be sorry for. I think we had a good talk, and now I’m hungry. Breakfast?!”

  “Breakfast.” He nodded, and got up to head to the bathroom.

  The unlikely pair walked lazily through the streets, hand in hand, before breakfast. And Marsha could not have been happier, or more confused. She wondered if she should tell Andre about seeing Blake early that morning. After how wonderful he made her feel this morning, she thought she shouldn’t.

  Marsha strolled along the street, the wind lifting her hair from her neck and blowing it around her face. It felt good to not have to fix her hair still. And the fact that she wasn’t wearing any makeup lately also worked in her favor. She felt more comfortable with herself than she ever had before and wasn’t sure how to handle that. If she went back to Blake…assuming that was an option…the thought actually made her a bit nervous. But if she went back to Blake, would she turn right back into the uptight person she’d become over the years? Or had she successfully begun peeling off those layers and forming a new, healthier version of herself? She probably needed to talk to Dr. Lee about the process to find out. She hadn’t really worked on transformations in her practice. It was more about the art of relationship success for her, and it was almost mathematical in how she approached it. Dr. Lee seemed to be more about finding out how to love yourself, and knowing that good will come out of that healthy relationship.

  The woman was right, too. Marsha had to hand it to her. Since her time here in Mexico, she could not only see herself being more comfortable in her own skin forever, but she also felt like she could come at any decision, business or otherwise, with a more level head. Without being rash or pretentious. And that, that was priceless. She wouldn’t trade that life lesson for anything. Marsha squeezed Andre’s hand and swung their arms back and forth like teenagers as they walked. Being with him was so easy, and she made a special note to be sure and keep this memory forever, just as it was. The beautiful morning in Mexico, the way the warm breeze felt on her glistening skin, the way it felt to constantly be perspiring, but not in a bad way. The way pineapple tasted when you ate it naked. All of it. She wanted to remember it all, and never take anything or anyone for granted ever again.

  Including Blake.

  “Andre?” She asked quietly, still swinging their arms. “Can we talk later?”

  “Of course.” And with that, he said nothing else about it. He didn’t feel the need to pry or get a feel for what was coming. He just let her exist as she chose. “I was going to ask the same thing, anyway.” He cleared his throat a little and looked at Marsha. “Layla called while you were in the pottery shop earlier. I didn’t answer it but she left a pretty specific message that I’ll have to deal with later.”

  “Sure thing, hon. Do you want to talk about it now?”

  “Not really.” He shrugged. “Food first, everything seems more manageable when your blood sugar is evened out.” He winked at her and grinned.

  Turns out, whatever Layla wanted was super important, because she called three times during their breakfast. Andre looked agitated every time he looked at his phone, and even though Marsha insisted that he could take the call and she would wait for him, he never did. He only made cute little angry faces at it and returned it to his pocket.

  “So I can’t really figure out why you’re upset. Do you not want to talk to her or does she want something annoying? Because let me tell you.” Marsha leaned forward and used her fork to point at him. “I know annoying.”

  “Yes, well.” He offered. “This is more…batshit crazy. She’s very upset about something, and I can’t really tell what from her messages. It sounds like she’s in trouble or something but I’m trying to not be rude to you, since I can’t really understand her messages anyway.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Marsha said. “Go…call her back. See what she wants and you’ll at least have enough peace of mind to digest the rest of your food properly.”

  “I don’t think,” he said between sips of water, “that it’s anything life threatening. It sounds more like she’s super annoyed about something and just wants me to be at her beck and call. But she’ll have to wait.” He still moved a bit in his chair, looking like he was uncomfortable with his decision.

  “If you go now, I’ll order us dessert after breakfast.” Marsha moved her eyebrows up and down twice in quick succession and made a ridiculous face at him that made him laugh. “C’mon. Who has dessert after breakfast?!”

  Andre laughed. “We had dessert for breakfast yesterday! But fine, I’ll go.” He rose from his chair and crossed over to Marsha’s seat, stopping to give her a quick kiss on the nose before heading to the lobby to make his phone call. “Thank you. For being you.”

  “My pleasure. Now get.” And she shooed him away.

  When he returned, a solid ten minutes later, Marsha was very glad she’d been in the mood for salad for breakfast; otherwise her food would’ve gotten cold. Andre’s eggs, however, would not be good any longer, so she ordered some more. It felt very natural to care for him in this way, as she knew he responded to her the same way. This must be what some couples felt like, and it must be a glorious way to live. Just to be amazingly content with yourself and our partner in life. Fantastic!

  By the time Andre took his seat again, the waiter had just brought his new plate of food. He smiled widely at Marsha and gave her a fake salute of appreciation. She loved when he did that, and she loved that huge grin of his. She’d do just about anything to make him grin like that every day of her life. His perfect teeth showing and his lovely lips curled upwards, lifting his cheeks in pure, youthful delight.

  She saluted him back and didn’t press for answers about his phone call. He’d get to them when he was good and ready. Amazingly, he was ready now.

  “Wow.” He rolled his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair. It was a move he didn’t do often, and when he did, she paid attention. It either meant he was upset about something, or he was accidentally being sexy. This time it appeared to be both.

  “Oh yeah? That serious, huh?” Marsha waved her fork around in her salad bowl and added more dressing.

  “Who has salad for breakfast, by the way…you’re amazing. That looks freaking delicious. Anyway, she’s kind of having a mental breakdown of some kind. I guess. I’m not really sure, she was hard to understand.”

  “Okayyyy. Do you want me to ask questions or sit here quietly and listen. I’ll do literally whatever you need me to do.”

  “Uh, I’m not sure. I think she was crying at one point, but her phone was kind of breaking up so I couldn’t really tell. I tried to understand her, I really did.” He rubbed the back of his neck and scooted his new eggs around on his plate. “She was upset that I hadn’t called her at all since she left. I corrected her, of course, reminding her that I did in fact call several times during the first week. But that she never answered those calls, never returned them, and instead chose to text me back like a child. I didn’t….I didn’t say ‘like a child,’ of course. But that’s
how I felt.”

  Marsha nodded and waited for him to continue, giving him all the space he needed. He probably didn’t actually want a therapist to tell him the meaning of her breakdown at this point, he probably just wanted to finish his sentences and work through his feelings. This was always part of the process for people. Sometimes one member of a couple would get a phone call from the other one while they were in her office. It was usually a pretty uncomfortable experience, listening to those conversations. If Marsha were watching it play out like a movie, there were, on occasion, times where it would have almost been comical to overhear. But since she was in charge of their well being, it wasn’t usually that funny.

  Usually, the wife would show up for the session and the husband, who would be off having a midlife crisis somewhere, would not show up. The nicest of them would at least call and say they weren’t coming to that day’s session, but often times it was the wife calling, twenty minutes into the schedule session time, wondering where their spouse was. These conversations would get heated, with natural, but sometimes fierce rises and falls during each one. After the call, the spouse that was left in her office would usually need the remainder of the time to sort through their feelings just about the phone call. Because, as Marsha knew well, it was never just about the phone call.

  She watched as Andre tried to sort through his feelings, as well, careful not to offer any input or advice unless she was asked for it. And she didn’t anticipate being asked for it. After all, he had Dr. Lee for that.

  Andre dismissed his thoughts with the wave of his hand, having not said anything else, and shook his hair out before returning to his breakfast without a word. Marsha wasn’t quite sure what to do for him, she had never seen him lose his composure before, or be at a loss for words. Remarkably, he was pretty levelheaded, even when he was upset and trying to work through something. She appreciated that, that there was no flailing about, no throwing an actual fit, no stomping around like a toddler throwing a tantrum. It was just quiet reflection, and egg chomping. Angry egg chomping.