Fail to Fight (Lessons in Love Book 1)

by Dillon, Maci

  The world falls away. I am suddenly aware only of him and his hand pushing the hem of my dress up my thighs; his caress working its way higher and slipping around behind me to grip the silken skin of my ass. I always loved the possessive way he touched me, like he owned me, and damn if I didn’t want him to let me go again.

  “Fucking hell, little one,” he growls into my mouth.

  Will had called me that since we first met, even before we started officially dating. It always made me feel like his. I now questioned if the name was reserved only for me or if his wife was also accustomed to it. Mostly it made no difference, but I desperately wanted it to be mine. I was his little one.

  Whispered moans filled my ears as he broke our kiss to trail his mouth across my cheek to the sensitive spot behind my ear. Seemingly amused by the way my body shuddered under his sweet caress, I could feel his smile against my skin and I moaned loudly, a mixture of frustration and arousal. Using my bouncy curls as an anchor, a hand ran up the length of my back, gripped my hair and tugged. My head tilted to the side, my neck opening to him in invitation.

  I’m lost in the sensations; lips whispering over my skin, his free hand working its way from my ass, up the curve of my lower back, across my rib cage until it lingered ever so lightly just to the side of my breast. The anticipation was killing me; my body rocked against his cock still neatly tucked away in his pants. “I need you, Will.” It sounded more like a whine than a demand, but I doubt he noticed.

  I released his back from the torture of my hands and my fingers moved to unbutton his shirt. I made quick work of it and pushed it back off his shoulders to expose his toned physique. When his hands fell away from my body, I silently cried out and watched the material drop to the floor behind us.

  Momentarily I was distracted by the thought that we shouldn’t be doing this. Was one night going to be the closure I needed or would it open my heart to more hurt? I couldn’t be sure, but I pushed the thought aside.

  Gently, his fingers guided my chin up toward him until all I could see was his face, and for the first time tonight, I looked him directly in the eyes without reservation. Devastatingly delicious brown eyes stared back at me, his arousal evident in their depths. A mixture of lust, regret, and something I couldn’t quite identify was also hidden within them. But I knew I’d be stupid to probe. It would not serve either of us to discuss our emotions, past or present if there couldn’t be a future.

  “Chloe, we need to talk.”

  *****

  Will

  Fuck me!

  What was I doing? This wasn’t going to serve either of us well.

  So much has happened. Will and Chloe were a lifetime ago. How was it possible to fall so easily into a moment that feels like no time has passed at all?

  Guilt crept in as I thought of Amanda. Closure was what I needed, not new beginnings. But with Chloe wrapped in my arms, the past fell away. It felt so normal. So…perfect.

  Chloe’s ocean blue eyes stared back at me, deep into my soul, as if reading the thoughts I couldn’t possibly speak aloud. Need stirred within me, pulled at my conscious. This woman flawed me still, after all this time apart.

  Is it possible to love two women at once?

  I guess it was. I’d never stopped loving Chloe. But this feeling right now, it bewildered me. Not at all what I expected to feel after a decade apart.

  Chapter Ten – Worth Fighting For

  “The best things in life are worth waiting for, fighting for, believing in, and just never letting go of.” ~ Unknown

  Chloe

  Will rested his forehead on mine as though silently contemplating something. Gently, he rubbed his palms up and down my arms, I wasn’t sure if he was comforting himself or me. I waited for him to speak, but instead he placed a feather light kiss on the top of my head and backed away from me to collect our drinks.

  It was like a bucket of cold water thrown over us, dissipating my arousal, making my head spin.

  Chloe, we need to talk. Five words that probably should have preceded the lust induced make out session. Not after, and definitely not in the middle of it.

  I took my glass from him and drained the contents in one swift gulp. What’s left of the small bottle from the mini bar, I emptied into my glass and took another sip before I responded.

  “What are you here for, Will? You wanted a dinner, but you didn’t show. You waltz in here, get under my skin, take what you need, and now you want to talk?” In frustration, I slammed the glass on the bench, a splash of clear liquid jumped out and landed on the back of my hand.

  Will reached for my fingers, lifting them to his mouth and licked his way to the mess before it could drip onto the floor. Turning my arm over, he planted his hot, wet tongue on the inside of my wrist and slowly licked his way up my arm, stopping at the inside of my elbow. His eyes, thick with lust and still darkened with arousal, watched me every moment of the journey.

  “So, I got under your skin already, did I?” he asked teasingly.

  Men! I scoff at his show of arrogance, but a cheeky grin I never thought I’d see again was enough to dispel my anger and leave me wanton, ready to play the game if that’s what this was to him.

  “Correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re the one who wanted to talk and you haven’t told me anything yet, nor did you answer my question.”

  He held his cocky grin and moved into my space. The fireworks started up again in my core as a result of his closeness and I felt a trickle of moisture escape my pussy which had me clenching my thighs together.

  Will raised his eyebrows at my not so subtle movement. The bastard knew exactly what he was doing and he loved every bit of it.

  “I’ve fucking missed the feisty bitch in you, Chloe.”

  I chuckled. He always loved riling me up. Fighting wasn’t much a part of our relationship but we loved to banter and stir each other up in crazy proportions. It always ended in the best kinds of sex too. I missed the playful side of our relationship as much as any other. A pang of jealously shot through me as I imagined him with Amanda. Was she anything like me, I wondered. Did they too enjoy the same kinds of fun and spontaneity as we once did?

  I was curious to know if he was going to mention her or not. I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up. For no other reason than not wanting him to know that I Googled him.

  “Every fucking thing about you I loved, and every day since the moment I turned my back and walked away from that room, I’m reminded constantly of what I lost.”

  My eyes fall at his use of words, immediately his hands are on me bringing my face, my eyes, back to him. “Don’t look away from me, little one.” I force myself to look at him and cringe at the pain I see staring back at me.

  “You didn’t lose me, Will. You chose to walk away.” I remind him.

  “I chose…for fuck’s sake, Chloe, I didn’t want you to…” He whirled around, arms wailing in frustration. “You had sex with another man, Chloe.” Contempt dripped from his words. “I’d already lost you.”

  And there it is, all my emotions bubble to the surface and threaten to fall freely from my eyes. “Will.” I whispered his name with agonizing difficulty. It was now or never, I needed to tell him the truth. A truth powerless to change the past, but I needed him to know. “I fucked up. And I apologized more times than I can remember. Nothing I can say will undo it.”

  It’s true. I couldn’t repaint the past with words of what I only wished had happened.

  “Shit, baby, I know. I’m sorry.” His head drops low, hiding his pain from me.

  “No, Will. There’s something you don’t know about that night.” I reach for his arm, needing to touch him, hoping somehow to soften the blow of the words to come. “Something I neglected to tell you.”

  “Whatever it is, Chloe, don’t. There’s no reason to discuss—”

  “I never slept with that guy, Will,” I interrupt, before I lose the courage to tell him. Why couldn’t I sa
y this ten fucking years ago?

  Will’s eyes widen and he runs his fingers through his hair, clasping his hands behind his head, letting out a deep, tortured sigh as he turns away from me.

  “I never let that guy set foot in our house, Will.”

  Will’s hands drop to his side as he turns around to face me again.

  “I know that doesn’t change anything. I still did the wrong thing by having him there and there’s no excuse for it.”

  “Doesn’t change anything? Chloe!” he growls at me, his tone filled with disbelief. Hands on his hips he bows his head. I had no idea what was running through his mind.

  “You don’t think it would have helped me to know this?” he questioned, lifting his head to seek my answer. His stare was hard and cold. “To not have to think of his hands on you every time I touched you?”

  I wince, knowing he was right. I should have told him.

  “I understand that now,” I offer regretfully, moving closer to where he stood leaning against the back of the leather sofa. “We made it home and I asked him to leave before I unlocked the door,” I added. “He kissed me, I pushed him away, and he left.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me, Chloe?” Disappointment hung between us. “Things could have been so different. We wasted ten years on a lie, a misunderstanding?”

  “In my mind, I cheated by bringing another guy home, Will. I deserved your anger and distrust,” I told him honestly. In my young mind, it was that cut and dry. I fucked up and regret has followed me ever since. “I wanted to talk about it, I even tried to explain what happened but you were so set on forgetting it and moving on. I convinced myself that your blind acceptance somehow secured our future. I was young and stupid. Naïve.” Too immature to realize that I’d made an irreparable decision that would cost me my entire world.

  I walk to him and run my hands up his arms, caressing his shoulders in a soothing motion, trying to alleviate the tension that had crept in there.

  “You should have told me.”

  He leaned into my chest, letting his head rest lightly beneath my chin, the sofa supporting his weight.

  “I thought you fucked him and still I forgave you for that. I believed we could work through it. And fuck me if I didn’t try my hardest to forget.”

  And he did. He shouldn’t have, but he chose to put it all aside and move on.

  “What you forget to remember is…” I pause, searching for the right words while he straightens up to listen, “…I loved you, Will. It’s only ever been you.” A tear escapes and rolls down my cheek as the man I once loved, and maybe always will, closes his eyes and allows his head to fall back in defeat.

  “Baby.” A strangled whisper breaks the silence that had fallen over us. “I was a coward. Too scared to hear the details. I should have let you explain.” He looks down at me and wipes the tears from my chin with his thumb. “I wanted so badly to forget, my only desire, my focus, was to fight for you. To make sure you never felt the need to turn to anyone else again. I should have fought for you after the night of our engagement party. What we had, it was worth fucking fighting for.”

  I know.

  I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud; my lips trembled, overcome with the force of holding the flood gates closed.

  I’ve always known we were worth the fight. But back then I didn’t feel it was my duty to fight for us after he assaulted me. He should have shown up to fight for my forgiveness.

  “I know you enough to assume you would have blamed yourself for my actions, but Chloe…” Pausing, he looks right into my eyes and continues, “…I had no right raising my fist to you. It sickens me to think about what I did, who I was at that moment.”

  I know his actions were a result of my earlier ones. I’d broken his trust and let doubt flood the purity of our love. I stood still, tears of regret and loss streaming down my face. I knew Will needed to say the words that had consumed him all these years; and I waited.

  Caressing my face, he struggled with his next words, “I never should have left. I owed it to you, to us, to make things right.”

  He stood and pulled me into his chest. Folding his arms around me, he rested his head on mine. Wrapped in his embrace I could feel the shakiness in his breath, the rhythmic beat of his heart against my shoulder.

  “I never expected you to forgive me, I still don’t…but I should have been there to comfort you, to try. I never stopped loving you, not for a second. But I hated me, and I let that rule my actions. I hid from reality, avoided life.”

  Will pulled back, his hands cupping my face and looked deep into my soul. “I stopped living, I spent my weekends drinking alone, fighting when I did go out and brooding in my own self-pity. I fucking hated myself for what I did to you. I failed to fight for the one thing in my life that I never doubted. My love for you.”

  Tears flooded his eyes and my heart splintered into a thousand pieces.

  How did we allow this to happen?

  "No, don't.” I held two fingers to his mouth to silence him. “It's been too long. Nothing you say can give us back the years we lost. There are no words that can rectify the guilt I feel for not being honest with you, or change the actions that occurred as a result. None of it matters anymore.”

  “It matters to me, Chloe. You didn’t make me hit you, I was weak, let my temper and jealousy get the better of me. There was no fucking reason for it, I just snapped.”

  I wiped at his tears with my thumbs. “No excuse,” he muttered, pressing his face into my palm. “I fucked up and I will regret it for the rest of my life.”

  My heart ached for him, for us. For what was lost.

  “If it weren’t for that fucking order, I wouldn’t have hesitated to be there for you. You must know that, Chloe.” He looked down at me, his eyes full of sorrow. “I regret that I didn’t reach out in spite of it.”

  “Me too,” I whispered. “I needed you, Will.” I reached for his hand, needing to touch him. “I couldn’t understand why you weren’t there for me. Nobody told me about the order until days after I woke up.” I shook my head in despair. “I was so angry with the police, all I wanted was to go home to you.” My eyes close and a sob escapes my mouth. “When I went home, you’d already gone.”

  “Little one, I…”

  “There’s one thing I don’t understand, Will.” He squeezed my hand and waited silently for me to continue. “When the order expired and you were free to make contact with me, without any repercussions, why didn’t you?”

  It’s the question that kept me awake most often.

  “Believe me, I thought about it. Every fucking day before and after.” I held my breath, expecting him to tell me about Amanda. “I wish I had an answer for you, baby, but I don’t. I’m sorry.”

  I let out a sigh, feeling disappointed. Obviously he wasn’t going to tell me about her. At that point, I realized there was never going to be more than tonight. And that’s okay. It had to be.

  “I forgive you, Will.” I throw my arms around him and hug him close, pretending for a moment I never had to let him go.

  Together, we let go of the tears, the hurt and the regrets we’d been holding onto for far too long.

  I truly did forgive Will for putting me in hospital and I forgave him for walking away. I believe he did what he thought was right, or what he was capable of doing at the time. I understood, but I’d never forget.

  I was finally able to accept that I was not deserving of his assault, nor was my life to be defined by it.

  I was worthy.

  All these years, so much pain and regret. Add to that, the bad decisions I’d made at every turn because I didn’t feel worthy of anyone’s love. And yet, all I needed to hear were those five words. I was worth fighting for.

  With those words, he released me from my own personal prison. If tonight ended at this moment, it would be enough.

  Enough to continue on with life, knowing I was worthy.

  Wort
hy of love.

  Worthy of more.

  Worth fighting for.

  Chapter Eleven ~ Insatiable Need

  “She’s a thunderstorm, loves to dance in the rain. A chaotic girl, addicted to pain. An insatiable desire to self-destruct. Once I felt her lips on mine, I knew I was fucked.” ~ Unknown

  Chloe

  Perhaps an apology was all the closure I needed, but the night wasn’t over yet.

  “I forgive you too, Chloe. For everything,” Will whispered into my hair.

  I stepped back from our embrace and was swept up in the desire I felt for this man. My body ached for him; my heart needed one last moment to hold on to. I desperately wanted to rewrite our ending.

  Tonight I had an opportunity to close those wounds and finally get on with my life. One night is all we had and I refused to waste another minute of it crying.

  “We have two choices, Will. Either you leave now, with all we needed to say already said, or you stay and we spend one last night together. What do we do?” I posed the question knowing full well it would cripple me if he denied me this night, but it had to be asked.

  I focused my attention on Will’s hands as he popped open the top button of his jeans and pulled the zipper down to release the pressure from his rock hard erection.

  His delicious ‘V’ drew me to the thin trail of hair leading beneath his boxer shorts. My tongue darted out across my lips, leaving behind a wet trail of need, my desire to taste him suddenly so thick I struggled for air.

  I returned my gaze to his handsome face, looking for confirmation that this was definitely what he wanted.

  He nodded, his eyes still glassy from his earlier tears.

  Taking a step toward him, I hooked my fingers in the belt loops on either side of his jeans and slowly assisted their descent to the floor, taking his boxers with them in one movement. Time is of the essence after all, and we had a decade to make up for. His erection sprang free from its confines and I was lost to my insatiable need for him.