Lost for You

by BJ Harvey

  “Time to get you back home, sweetheart. I think we’ve seen enough of this hospital to last a lifetime.” He pulls the car out of the parking lot.

  The silence in the car worries me. The need to talk is like a giant elephant in the room. Brax seems on edge, like he’s almost nervous to be alone with me. I’m going to need to show him that we are okay. I made sure to check with the doctor when he discharged me this morning about when we’ll be able to resume the physical side of our relationship. Apart from taking it slowly, he said there is no reason why I can’t get back to living normally, including my relationship.

  We pull up outside my apartment building and suddenly the panic sets in. I feel a panic attack coming on, so I try to concentrate on my breathing in an effort to keep it at bay. Brax turns the car off and turns towards me, looking concerned.

  “Are you okay darlin’?” he asks.

  I take another deep breath and exhale slowly, wincing a little because of the tenderness in my chest.

  “I will be. I think I just need to get this over with and get inside.”

  “The boys cleaned the place up. There’s a new bed, and the walls have been fixed up. It looks as good as new, baby, and I’m going to be here with you. Every step of the way if you’ll let me,” he adds nervously.

  I lean towards him, cupping his cheek with my hand.

  “I’m so glad you came back,” I say shakily before moving to kiss him. His arm snakes around my shoulders, carefully pulling me closer to him.

  “I don’t think I can ever leave you again. It’s just not possible,” he murmurs before gently tugging on my bottom lip and pushing his tongue into my mouth, kissing me softly like I might break. I softly moan into his mouth, and he tightens his grip around my shoulders, our tongues waging a passionate battle. As my breathing picks up, I start to feel light headed in a good way. No, scratch that, in a fantastic way.

  All too soon, he tears his lips from mine. “Let’s get you upstairs before I end up giving the neighbors a show they’ll never forget,” he says with a smirk, and I can’t help but grin back at him.

  “Can’t have that happen, can we?”

  “Minx,” he whispers before giving me another quick kiss and getting out of the car. I have a feeling that the next few weeks of taking it easy will be all the more interesting now.

  Damn it’s hard to keep my hands off her. I remember how good it feels to be with her, to be inside her and bringing her to climax, then watching her come apart. But knowing how fragile she is right now puts a dampener on my amorous intentions. My job is to take care of her; show her that I’m here for the long haul.

  I carry her suitcase and grab her arm, helping her get out of the car and through the front door of the apartment building. We take the stairs slowly, being careful not to wear her out too much, or cause her any stress. The specialist told Elle to stay calm as much as possible, and I plan on making sure that is exactly what happens.

  Unlocking the apartment door, we walk in, and I hear Elle gasp at the sight of a huge bunch of Peruvian lilies that are sitting in a vase on the coffee table.

  “Brax,” she says with soft eyes as she wraps her arms around my waist and looks up at me.

  I put her suitcase down, kissing her forehead before wrapping my arms around her.

  “The florist told me they represent everlasting love. I’m going to try and make it up to you for leaving if you’ll let me,” I explain.

  “Brax,” she says warmly. “I already know you love me, but these are beautiful. Thank you.” She lifts her head to kiss me.

  “You’re welcome, sweetheart. I’m gonna make this whole mess up to you, I promise.”

  She lets out a sigh as she pulls away and goes to sit down on the couch, looking up at me. “What do you mean, ‘this mess’? None of this was your fault, Brax. You didn’t shoot me.”

  “I wasn’t here when you needed me, and you got hurt. I’ll never forgive myself,” I say, my voice cracking.

  “Come here, babe.” She pats her hand on the couch beside her. I move around the table and sit next to her, pulling her up into my lap.

  “You are not to blame for this. I told you that, and I thought you’d listened to me, but I think I need to say it again. Yes, we need to talk about you leaving, but right now I just want you to hold me…” she places her warm hands on my jaw, “and kiss me.”

  She leans in, gently touching her lips to mine, her delicious tongue teasing my closed lips until they open of their own accord. I can’t hold back the groan that escapes when she moves her hands down from my face and runs them down my chest. I feel myself harden underneath her as I move my hand behind her neck, holding her close to me as I devour her mouth. I’m pouring all of my soul into this one kiss; my desperation, my sadness, my overwhelming guilt.

  She shifts her legs around so that she’s straddling me, her pelvis pushing directly against my hard length. She whimpers as she starts rocking her body against mine. I can tell this situation is going to get out of control, and soon, so I pull my mouth away from her.

  “Darlin’, I don’t want to hurt you,” I pant, trying to catch my breath.

  “You’re only going to hurt me if you stop this,” she murmurs against my lips. She is so close to me that I can feel the desire and heat that rolls off her.

  Her eyes are full of hunger, a yearning to be with me. My resolve to restrain myself dissolves as I take her mouth again, groaning as we grind against each other. I cup her breasts, rubbing my thumbs over the hard peaks, causing her to drop her head back and whimper against me.

  “I think we should move this to the bedroom. If we’re going to do this, we’re going to have to go slow and gentle. It’s been so long, and you’re still recovering. And, more than anything else, I want to take my time with you.” My voice has gone husky; I can’t remember the last time I was this far gone.

  “Okay,” she says quietly, kissing me hard on the lips. She tries to get off my lap, but I tighten my grip, stopping her. I stand up, and walk through our apartment and into the bedroom with her legs wrapped around my waist.

  As soon as we walk through the door, her whole body goes stiff.

  “Elle?”

  “I…I…shit!” she says, burying her face in my neck.

  “Darlin’, it’s okay. I thought this might happen,” I murmur into her hair as I sit on the bed and start rubbing her back, hushing her as her whole body starts shaking.

  “Do you wanna go somewhere else?” I’m more than willing to leave the apartment and take her to the nearest hotel if it will help get rid of her anxiety.

  “I don’t know,” I hear her say, her voice muffled against my chest.

  “Tell me how I can help you, Elle. What do you need?” I ask. I’m desperate now. I want her to feel comfortable; this is her home for god’s sake.

  She lifts her head and looks at me. “I need you. Just you.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, baby,” I reassure her as I move my mouth towards hers again. She parts her lips and tenderly kisses me back. This is going to be slow and gentle. I want her to know how much I love her, and I’m going to show it to her with my body.

  I walk around to the side of the bed and lie her down in front of me, lying sideways across the mattress. I kneel down between her legs, grabbing her foot and pulling off her sneakers one by one. Kissing the instep of her foot, I graze her sole with my teeth, causing a shiver to travel up the entire length of her body. I lean forward to undo her jeans, carefully pulling them down, making sure to drag my fingers across her skin while I move them down her smooth legs. Once the jeans are off, I throw them to the floor and stand up, moving onto the bed and straddling her thighs while I lean over her. I can see her chest lifting and falling as she tries to control her breathing.

  “You okay, sweetheart?”

  “I will be.” She raises her hands to my face and rubs her thumb across my bottom lip. “I need to do more,” she says wantonly.

  I nip her thumb with my teeth, and the
gratifying moan she gives me amps up my growing desire. Pushing my body against hers, I make sure she can feel exactly what she is doing to me as I lean forward and kiss her again. Entwining my tongue with hers, I place my weight on my arm and move the back of my other hand down her neck to the swell of her breast.

  “I need to touch you. I don’t want there to be anything between us when I make love to you,” I say as I sit back on my knees and slowly start to undo the buttons of her shirt, revealing her black lace bra and soft, velvety skin to me. My mouth moves down to suck her hard nipple through her bra, causing her back to arch and a loud moan to escape her mouth, the noise reverberating through me. I move to the other side, paying it the same respect with my mouth.

  She sits up and leans on her elbows, giving me a look full of longing as I run my hands under the shoulders of her shirt. I drag it down her arms, one at a time, until she chucks her shirt in the same direction as her jeans.

  I get a close up look of the scar on her right side; it is just below her last rib and runs half the length of that side. Still pink and slightly raised, but even my untrained eye can tell that it is healing well.

  She watches me as I move my knees back to the floor between her legs, and pull her with me until her ass is resting on the edge of the bed in front of me.

  “I need to do this.” I lower my mouth to her right side and gently trace a row of kisses along her scar. Elle’s body tenses at my first kiss, but then I feel her shiver as she realizes the significance of what I’m doing.

  “Brax, I need you,” she pants as my mouth moves down towards her navel and the lace edge of her panties.

  “I need you too, baby. I’ve dreamed of tasting you again.” I hook my fingers into the flimsy material around her hips and drag it away from her body, exposing her naked flesh in front of me.

  I wrap my arms around her as I move my mouth slowly up her thighs, licking and kissing the skin as I go. Reaching the apex, I can’t hold back any longer. I have to devour her. I’ve been living with the memory of her body and her taste for far too long, and I’m gonna make damn sure she remembers exactly how much I love her with every kiss and every touch I make.

  Her thighs clench underneath my hands as I bring her to climax, making her cry out my name as she comes apart under my tongue.

  I lie down on the bed beside her, stroking her soft skin with my hand as she pulls me in to kiss her.

  Knowing she can taste herself on my lips is so erotic, and I know I won’t last much longer if she keeps touching me.

  She pulls away slightly, whispering to me against my lips, “I need you inside me, Brax,” as she pulls my t-shirt up and over my head. I slip my shoes off with my feet as I undo my jeans and pull them down with my boxers in one go.

  Returning to the bed, I lie on my back and lift Elle over me so she is now sitting directly above me. She rubs herself back and forwards a few times, causing me to groan. “Elle,” I say through gritted teeth, “You’re gonna make me lose control.”

  Realizing that I’m barely holding on, she lifts up and brings herself down on me, taking me deep inside her. She starts rocking against me, and I feel my climax build instantaneously as I match her rhythm. She tightens around me, and we both speed up, matching our thrusts measure for measure until she clenches me, and I fall over the edge, moaning her name as I come inside her.

  She collapses on my chest and we lie there, catching our breath, relishing the moment. She lifts up and lies back down beside me, curling her body into mine, our legs tangled together.

  “Just lie with me,” she says quietly.

  “Always.” I move us around and pull the covers back, moving to put our heads on the pillows. I kiss her head as she snuggles into my side. “Sleep, baby,” I murmur as she sighs in contentment.

  This is what I’ve been wanting, craving for the past month. I know the time will come when I have to tell her why I left and how I came to be in her life. And I will tell her, I’ll tell her the whole damn thing.

  Never again will she doubt the depth of my love for her, not even for a second.

  I wake up a few hours later feeling restless but still bone tired. I can feel Brax curled up behind me, making cute little snores in my ear. Who could have thought snoring could be cute, but this is Brax we’re talking about. I roll onto my back, relishing the cocoon Brax has me in. Just having him near me makes me feel safe. Knowing he’s back, and for good this time, fills the gaping hole he made when he left so suddenly three weeks ago.

  I still need to know where he went and why. Was it something I did? Did I scare him off somehow?

  That last phone call we had, I remember him telling me he had to leave to keep me safe and that it was the only way. How is that possible? How could leaving me alone and exposed make me safer? Thank god that creeper in the black Honda has disappeared. The last time I saw it was the Friday that I was shot.

  I sit up suddenly, my back rigid.

  Brax wakes up startled. “What is it, babe? Are you okay?”

  “The guy in the black Honda. I saw him the day I got shot.” I turn around and look down at him, my eyes wide open in shock.

  “Are you sure, hon?” he asks, moving to sit up against the headboard.

  I nod my head. “Absolutely! I didn’t want to leave the apartment because I wanted to be here if you came back, but that day I had to go to the grocery store and swing by the campus to get some library books. I first saw him parked outside the grocery store, then again outside campus. He took off as soon as I spotted him both times.”

  “Do you think it was him that broke in?” he asks cautiously.

  I pause to think about it. “I’m not sure. He’s been hanging around and following me for a while now. I know I should’ve dealt with it sooner, but I had you and I thought he’d give up.”

  “Elle, he hasn’t given up yet, and it’s been nine months since we first saw him. I think we need to report this to the cops. They’re still investigating the shooting, and this might help them with the case,” I explain, placing my hand around her shoulder and pulling her into my side.

  “I think you’re right,” she replies.

  “I know, but I want to prove to you that I’m here to stay.” I look down at her beautiful face, my heart aching at the pain I’ve caused.

  She puts her hand over my heart, gently stroking her fingers along my skin, and my heart starts hammering in my chest. “I do believe you, Brax. I’m just scared. Leaving me was the last thing I thought you’d do,” she says solemnly.

  I lift her hand to my mouth and softly kiss her palm.

  “I’ll never forgive myself for leaving you, sweetheart. My heart shattered the moment I left this bed, but I always knew I’d come back to you when it was safe,” I murmur.

  She lifts her head and stares at me. “What does that mean, Brax?”

  “There are some things I need to tell you, and I’m terrified that it’s going to change things between us.” I sweep a loose curl behind her ear. I have to touch her, knowing too well that this could be the last time I get the chance. But this conversation has been a long time coming, and it has to happen.

  She notices the despondent look on my face, and seeks to reassure me. “Nothing you can tell me will change the way I feel about you. We only spent a week apart and look at what happened. I literally can’t breathe without you, Brax.” She grabs my hand, entwining our fingers and placing them together in her lap.

  I absentmindedly start stroking my thumb over her knuckles and bite the inside of my cheek as I start to talk. “I don’t know where to start, sweetheart…”

  “You know you can tell me anything. Nothing will change the way I feel about you.”

  I exhale the breath I was holding. “When I turned up in your class ten months ago, it wasn’t a coincidence,” I start explaining. Looking up at her face, I see her eyes have widened and her hands have tensed up.

  “What do you mean?” she asks cautiously. Her voice sounds flat as if she is caught between shock,
anger, and confusion.

  I grip her hand tightly, not giving her the chance to move it away. “I was hired to get close to you.”

  Without warning, she yanks her hand out of mine and wraps her arms around herself as a sob catches in her throat.

  “What are you saying? Are you a journalist or something?” she says, her furrowed brow giving away her worry.

  “No! I’m not a journalist, but I’m not a student either. I work security and close protection for an organization in Atlanta,” I spit out quickly, knowing that I need to explain everything to her before she closes down and kicks me out of her life for good.

  “You’ve been lying to me this whole time?” She lets out a deep, weighted sigh. I know this stress is not helping with her breathing.

  “Darlin’, I was bewitched well before I met you, and not once have I ever lied to you about my feelings. My heart started beating the moment you came into my life.”

  She looks up at me through tear-filled eyes. Her pain rips through me like a blunt knife.

  “It feels like mine just stopped.”

  “I need you to go,” I say in a low steady voice that I don’t even recognize. I take another painful breath, trying to appear strong even though my heart feels like it has just been cut through with a knife.

  “Now, Brax. I need to be alone for a while. I need you to get away from me!” There is no mistaking the anger and hurt behind my words.

  “Sweetheart-”

  “I don’t think I can be around you right now. You’ve just thrown my whole world into chaos, even more that it already was. Everything I believed, everything I have relied upon in the past year, has just been thrown out the window. I need you to give me space to deal with this. If you have ever cared for me at all, if you’ve ever been true with me, you will go. Now!” I look at him through my tears, spitting out the last word like venom.

  The look on his face devastates me. I know there is more to the story, and I know that there’s a hell of a lot more explaining to do, but right now I can’t stand the sight of him. He made me feel again, but now it feels as if he’s the one who has shot through me. The pain is worse than before. It’s as if I’ve lost him all over again, even though he’s still standing in the bedroom across from me.