Learning to Live

by R Cole

  Thankfully I love a good challenge because I have a feeling Trudy is definitely going to be one. Living in foster care for so long can give a person serious trust issues, so I need to show her she can trust me. I continue to my first class with ideas running through my mind. Since she’s working at a place I usually hangout at anyway, I can watch out for her while I try to break down the walls she’s built. However, I’ll be her friend as Jazz suggested then work on becoming something more.

  I hurry back to my room and slam the door shut. I’m sweaty and need a shower. I need to think and clear my head for a few minutes so it can wait. What was I thinking? I shouldn’t have kissed him back. I should have shoved him away from me instead. I didn’t though. The only thing I was thinking when he stood so close was how much I wanted him to kiss me. In fact, I was saying a silent prayer that he would, and when he did I felt so much warmth flow from his mouth, it felt as though it was traveling throughout my whole body, and I thought I was about to combust. The fervor and hunger he kissed me with was unlike any I have ever known or felt. It was tender and patient.

  I take a deep breath and start to pace while I come up with a game plan. I have to keep my distance, but I know that’ll be hard because Jazz is his sister. When he’s around I’ll just have to act as though nothing happened. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll act like the kiss had no effect on me at all. With my game plan set, I head to the shower and get ready for the day.

  My classes are going good, and I really enjoy the fact that people don’t stare and talk behind my back here. They smile and wave at Jazz and me as we make our way around campus. I even have people talk to me in class about other things besides answers on a test.

  Nobody in high school knew what really happened in Atlanta when I returned to school. They just made their own assumptions and I didn’t argue. I just kept my head down and finished out my senior year. I didn’t even walk with my class on graduation day because I didn’t want to be reminded of how I had nobody in my life. I knew I’d be met with silence as I grabbed my diploma. There was no one to take me out to eat or congratulate me, so I just went to work early to make enough money to get out of that hell.

  I shake myself from the depressing thoughts as I head to the lunch room to meet with Jazz. She’s not there yet so I grab a turkey sandwich and take a seat at our usual table and text her.

  She responds right away. Had 2 talk w/ Prof. Wallace bout sumthin. Not hungry so I’ll see you later.

  Slightly disappointed I won’t see her, I type out my reply. K. C U 2nite cuz I got 2 work.

  K. <3 U chick I know it’s only a text, but her heart symbol makes me smile.

  As I put my phone in my bag and open my sandwich, I look up as someone takes a seat across from me. Jamal is sitting there with another guy who has spiky black hair and dark blue eyes. They’re both staring at me, smiling. “Hey, Jamal. How’s it going?” I can’t help but smile back at him. He seems so genuine and open.

  “Hey, girl, I saw you sitting here all by your lonesome and had to introduce you to Keith. He and I are the only penises on the dance team, so he wanted to meet you after I told him all about you.” He winks at Keith then stares at me again. “So lo and behold, the seas part and I see you sitting here and thought it must be fate.”

  “Hi, I’m Keith, and I must say that Jamal was right because you, my dear, are eye candy even for those of us who usually don’t look twice at females.” He sticks his hand across the table and I smile as I shake it.

  “Hi, Keith. It’s nice to meet you,” I say awkwardly, not being used to compliments. “Thank you.”

  “So! Why you eating by yourself, honey? I figured you would have a fine man, like I do, by your side,” Jamal asks as he leans toward Keith.

  I’m kind of caught off guard because I picture Jax for just a split second and then shake the thoughts away as I remember my plan. “No. No man and I really don’t have time for one either.” I take a sip of my drink then continue. “My friend Jazz usually meets me, but she had to meet with Professor Wallace.” They look at one another and smile.

  “What?”

  Keith answers my question. “Well, Professor Wallace is one fine piece of ass, and I’ve heard rumors about him...” He bends toward me and whispers, “...giving private lessons to some of the female students, if you know what I mean.” He winks.

  I think about this and immediately shake my head. “I don’t think Jazz would do that. She’s smarter than to fall into a relationship with a staff member here and risk her reputation.” At least I hope she is.

  “Well, just watch out. They may just be rumors, but I had him last year and the way he looked at the asses of some of the girls, I believe they’re true.”

  Jamal holds his hand up in a stop gesture and says, “Okay, enough about the George Clooney look-alike. Trudy, tell me about yourself and where you learned to dance?” They both look at me with eagerness on their faces.

  I clear my throat to think about where to start. I don’t tell many people about my past. Jazz is the only one besides Brad that I’ve ever told how I ended up in foster care, but that was because I trust Jazz and I thought I could trust Brad. I clear my throat and give them as little information as possible. “I’m from Atlanta and the lady who raised me signed me up for classes and encouraged me to dance the whole time I lived with her.” I want to change the subject, so I ask where they’re from.

  “I’m from Chicago and Keith was raised here in Mobile,” Jamal says and looks at Keith.

  “How long have you two been together?” I’ve never met a same-sex couple before, and I’m curious about how they met, but I won’t dig too deep into their personal life.

  “We met last year during tryouts. I was auditioning and Jamal was a judge. I came out when I left high school, and I still hadn’t told many people because this is the South,” he says, his arms in the air, gesturing our surroundings. “I talked to Jamal about it because he’s so open and free about his lifestyle, and I knew I wanted that for myself.” Keith turns to Jamal and puts his head on his shoulder. “He helped me and our friendship just grew after that.”

  I can see the friendship between them as well as the trust. I want that for myself someday. However, I don’t know if I can let myself trust like that again and not get hurt. Looking at my phone, I notice that I need to hurry to my last class of the day, so after exchanging numbers with the guys, I say goodbye to run out the door.

  I’m still texting Jazz on my phone, not looking up, when I feel something cold and wet land all over my shirt. “What the hell?” I ask to no one in particular and look up.

  “Oops. My bad!” Ashton says with a fake smile, batting her eyelashes. “I’m so sorry, Rudy, but you really need to pay more attention where you’re going.” She’s holding an empty cup in one and while the opposite hand sits on her hip.

  I’m about in tears for two different reasons. One, I’m so angry that I’m about to give her a new asshole, and two, everyone is watching and the place is dead silent. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly.

  “Geez, Ashton, you can be such a bitch.” Jamal has his arms around me and pushes hard against Ashton’s shoulder to move past her and Amanda. Keith has my bag that I hadn’t realized I dropped and walks behind us as we make our exit. As soon as we get away from everyone, the tears run down my face so I keep my head down.

  “Man, I wish I had a vagina so I could knock that bitch out.” Jamal exhales and turns toward me. “Are you okay, Trudy?”

  I can’t talk so I just nod my head and smile from his earlier comment. I want to knock her out myself, but I really don’t want any trouble. Unfortunately, I think I already have it; I just don’t know what I did to deserve it. Well, besides kissing Jax, but I promised myself to act like it never happened.

  After I calm down and dry my tears, I take my bag from Keith. “Thanks, guys. I don’t know what her deal is.” I’m still shaking from the adrenaline boost, and I want to go burn it off somehow, but I have somewhere to
be. “I need to get to class, but I need to stop by the campus bookstore and get a new shirt. Ugh! I can’t believe her.” I’m getting more fired up and really want to knock her on her ass, but I restrain myself.

  “If I know Ashton, then it has to do with Jaxon Coleman. She only takes her claws out to that extent when he’s involved.” Jamal looks at me with a knowing smile while my face turns red.

  I look at the ground instead of in his eyes and say, “Jax is my friend Jazz’s brother, and we all hang out together.” I look up, hoping I’ve calmed down enough that my true feelings aren’t showing. “That’s no reason to act like a five-year-old and throw a tantrum.”

  They look at me and then at each other. “Well, she’ll try and make anyone who she thinks is a threat to her future plan miserable. And, honey, Jaxon Coleman is number one on her list of future plans.”

  “She can have him because I don’t want him,” I state with a raised voice, but deep down I feel like the biggest liar who ever walked the earth. I know I want him, but I want to be myself more than someone’s property again.

  We say goodbye and make plans to have practice Sunday morning at six. I head to the bookstore and waste thirty dollars on a white Jaguars T-shirt, all the while cussing Ashton. After I get to class I think of my plans for Labor Day weekend.

  I know I told Jazz I would go home with her, because I’m off Sunday and Monday, but being around Jax for two full days is going to make me crazy. Maybe I can bail, but I really want to see the beach and I like being around Jazz. She’s told me about the blue water and white sand and all the fun things they do. She also mentioned a huge Ferris wheel that has a great view of Pensacola when you reach the top, and I want to ride it because I’ve never been on one, and I’m looking forward to it.

  Class is over by the time I make the decision to go, but I’ll ignore Jax the whole time. I leave feeling better than I did an hour ago and head back to my dorm room. After I take another shower to get the sticky, sweet tea off my skin, I change into my work shirt and jeans. As I slip on my shoes, Jazz knocks on my bathroom door. “Come in,” I say loud enough for her to hear me through the door.

  “Hey, chick,” she says with a goofy grin on her face and comes over to sit on my bed. My room has become our usual hangout, which is fine by me because I can’t stay in her room for too long or I’ll get a headache from all the pink.

  I start to think back to my earlier conversation with Jamal and Keith about the playboy professor. “How was your meeting with Professor Wallace?”

  She gets a dreamy look in her eye, and I’m starting to worry that maybe she’s fallen for this guy’s crap. “Oh, you know. We discussed the syllabus and some future group projects.” She appears to want to say more but doesn’t and changes the subject. “Guess what Jax’s friend Mason brought me today?”

  Hearing his name has me blushing, so I clear my throat and hope she doesn’t notice. “I don’t know. What?”

  She tosses something on my lap, and I reach to pick it up. It looks like a standard Alabama driver’s license. Then I see her age: twenty-two. “Does this mean you’re going to harass me at work now?” I ask jokingly.

  “Yes and leave you awesome tips too.” She squeals and claps her hands. “Starting tonight, in fact, because that Mason guy said Jax, David, and he are going to be there and they want me to go. They wanted me to invite you, but you’re working. So maybe when you’re finished we can have a real drink together and toast to our new and amazing friendship.” I can see the excitement in her eyes and of course I agree. She’s the first real friend I’ve ever had, and I think we deserve it. I know I need a drink after today and that’s saying something.

  When I leave and walk out of the dorm to head to work, I see Benji standing by his motorcycle smoking a cigarette and talking to some girl with blonde hair cut in a pixie style. He sees me and waves with a smile. Pixie doesn’t look too happy that his attention is now on me, but she should notice we’re practically dressed in the same black T-shirts and realize it’s strictly platonic. I wave back and start walking down the street toward the bus stop that I’ve been using when Jazz can’t take me to work.

  “Hey, Trudy, where you going?” I turn and Benji’s running in my direction while I receive the stink eye from pixie as she leaves.

  “Work. Where else would I be going in this shirt?” I ask, smiling and giving him a look that says, “Duh!”

  “Well let’s go get on, Foxy. I came by to give you a ride since I was out this way and knew you were on tonight.” He grabs my hand and starts leading me back toward his woman of steel.

  “I can take the bus. I don’t want to stop you from working your magic on pixie.” I nod my head toward the girl he was talking to a few minutes ago while she walks away.

  He gives me a look of horror. “Nah. You just saved my ass from a girl that thinks she knows shit about bikes. She’s only trying to impress me so I will lay it on her,” he says, grabbing his crotch and giving a smirk that shows off his white teeth.

  “Goodness, Benji, where have you been all my life with that sweet talking mouth of yours?” I laugh while putting on my helmet.

  I haven’t really done it on my own, so he turns and looks at me in my eyes while he helps adjust the strap. “South Carolina, but now I’m right in front of you, doll.” Even though he has a cocky smirk on his face, he sounds so serious. Since I don’t know how to respond, I just ignore it and bend down to pick up my bag.

  He straddles the bike then starts it up as I get on and wrap my arms around his waist. I try to keep my hold tight enough so I won’t fall off, but I don’t make it an embrace like last time. I don’t need to cross lines with anybody right now, especially a co-worker.

  We head into Jay Jay’s and the place is packed for only being ten at night. I look to my left and check on Jazz because this is her first time out with me in a bar. I need to keep an eye on her, but I want to see Tru as well, so I’m on double duty tonight. Then I notice I’m not the only one looking out for Jazz when I see Mason wearing a dreamy look while he watches her bounce with excitement.

  “Hey, Mason? Will you help me watch out for Jazz tonight?” I yell over the loud music the DJ plays, and again he looks guilty for staring at her. I can’t help but laugh and notice Jazz walking away toward an empty table. David, Mason, and I follow behind her and take a seat. Immediately, I see that Trudy is behind the bar and running her ass off, but man what a fine ass. Then I notice that Benji is behind it with her, and I see red and let out a growl. Thankfully nobody can hear me with all the noise. Or so I thought.

  “Calm down. He’s just a friend. Trust me, we talk about everything,” Jazz says and interrupts me when I’m about to ask her for details. “No, sir. I have her trust and I’ll not break it, even for you, buddy.” She smiles and orders a girly drink from the waitress, Blaire, who is now staring at me waiting on my drink order.

  “I’ll have a Heineken. And open a tab, please.” I hand her my card and turn back to look toward the bar.

  David knocks me on the shoulder and says, “Dude. Stop staring. Look at all the sweet pus...” He doesn’t finish because Jazz has her hand over his mouth, and I know he’s about to get an earful.

  “David Lawrence Hayes. Don’t you dare say that vulgar disgusting word around me, EVER. Got it?” She finally removes her hand when he nods his head.

  “Damn it, Jazz, did you have to use my full name?” He laughs it off, but I know he hates his middle name. I can’t blame him though.

  “Yes, I did, and I’ll do it again. You always try to piss me off and usually it works, but tonight I’m a mature twenty-two- year-old, and I won’t knock your teeth out, but I will call you by your full name.” She nods her head to emphasize her point.

  Our drinks arrive and soon our table is surrounded by David’s entourage of girls. He’s always been a player, and lately it’s been getting worse. I think he goes home every other night with someone different. After a few minutes one girl, who’s obviously drunk, sits in
his lap and makes herself comfortable while dancing to the music. Luckily the others seem to think Jazz is with me and walk away. Totally okay by me. The last thing I want is for Trudy to see another girl hanging on me like before.

  “Let me up. I want to dance.” Jazz pushes me so I’ll get up, but I don’t move. I look up and see Mason’s ears perk up as his head lifts to peer at Jazz.

  She pinches my side so I get up and say, “Mason will dance with you. Won’t you, Mason?” I see panic in his eyes and look at Jazz to get her reaction. Of course she’s still smiling.

  “Okay, Dad.” She grabs Mason’s hand then pulls him toward the dance floor while he continues to panic. I watch them and once they are on the dance floor, Mason gives me the finger and a death glare, until Jazz starts to dance. Then he awkwardly tries to keep up. I burst out laughing because he is so unsure what to do with his hands unless it involves a remote control.

  “I’m going to head over to the bar.” David just gives me the thumbs up with his free hand while his other remains up the girls skirt and his tongue stays down her throat. Shaking my head I walk away.

  I find an empty spot at the bar on Tru’s end and wait for her to serve me. When she notices me though, she acts like we’re strangers. It’s not the reaction I was hoping for.

  “What can I get you?” she asks in a professional manner.

  I shake it off and smile at her because I know she was affected earlier. She must be trying to play it off. “Heineken, please. And another one of Jazz’s girly drinks.”

  She has to lean over to hear me, and I get a perfect view down her shirt, but I don’t look. I want her to know I’m not the same as these other guys that only think with their dicks. She nods her head and turns around to get my order. I do look at her ass in those jeans because I’m not dead.

  When she turns around she passes me my drinks and continues on her way. I know she’s busy so I’m not going to dwell on it.