On Her Own

by Wanda E. Brunstetter

  Bishop John released an audible sigh. “I appreciate that.” He shuffled his feet, then turned toward the door. “I know you have your hands full taking care of the shop and your boys, so if there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know,” he called over his shoulder.

  “I appreciate the offer, but I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

  The door clicked shut behind the bishop, and Barbara let her head fall forward onto her desk. Dear Lord, please let us be fine.

  Paul hadn’t been back to Zook’s Harness Shop since he’d said that he would be quitting to help on the farm. But today he needed to go there. One of their mules had busted its bridle, and it needed to be repaired right away.

  Part of Paul dreaded seeing Barbara again. Being around her evoked emotions he’d rather not deal with. Yet another part of him looked forward to seeing her beautiful face and dark eyes that made him want to shout to the world that Barbara Zook had captured his heart. Of course, he would never do anything so foolish. If Barbara was considering marrying the bishop, then Paul had no right to be thinking such thoughts about her. But if Barbara had decided not to marry John, then maybe Paul had a chance. He just needed to get up the nerve to ask her.

  Paul took the time to clean up before heading over to Barbara’s place. He didn’t want her to see him looking like a mess or smelling like a sweaty old mule. As he pulled into the Zooks’ driveway sometime later, he cringed when he saw John Frey standing beside his buggy outside Barbara’s shop.

  “Doesn’t that man ever give up?” he muttered.

  Paul pulled his buggy alongside the bishop’s and climbed down. “Afternoon, Bishop,” he said, hoping his voice sounded more relaxed than he felt. “You here on business?”

  John gave his beard a couple of tugs. “I was, but the business has been concluded. I’m on my way home.”

  Good. I wasn’t looking forward to watching you flirt with Barbara. Paul hurried toward the harness shop.

  “See you on Sunday if not before,” the bishop called.

  Paul nodded as he turned the doorknob and stepped inside the building. He didn’t see anyone at first and wondered if Barbara might have gone up to her folks’ house to check on the boys. Even if she had, her father should be around. The shop was still open for the day.

  Paul cupped his hands around his mouth. “Anyone here?”

  “Be right with you.”

  He smiled at the sound of Barbara’s voice coming from the back room. He’d really missed her, and no matter how much he tried to fight the feelings, Paul didn’t think he would ever meet another woman who made him feel the way Barbara did.

  A few minutes later, she headed his way, carrying a chunk of leather that looked much too weighty for her to be lugging.

  Paul stepped quickly forward and held out his hands. “Here, let me help you with that.”

  She hesitated a moment but finally turned the bundle over to him. “Danki.”

  “You’re welcome.” Paul placed the leather on the closest workbench. “Is this okay?”

  She nodded. “What brings you by this afternoon? I figured you’d still be hard at work in the fields.”

  He pointed to the broken bridle draped over his shoulder. “We had a little accident with the mules. This snapped right in two.”

  “I can try to get it fixed first thing in the morning,” she said. “Will that be soon enough?”

  “We really need to have it when we start work tomorrow. I was hoping you wouldn’t mind if I did the repairs myself.”

  Her eyebrows lifted. “You mean now?”

  “Jah. If it’s okay with you.” He paused and licked his lips, which seemed awfully dry. “I’ll pay for any supplies I use, of course.”

  Barbara waved her hand. “Nonsense. Just help yourself to whatever you need. It’s the least I can do to say thanks for helping me out in my time of need.”

  “But you paid me a fair wage for that,” he reminded her.

  She shrugged. “Even so, that doesn’t make up for the fact that you stayed here helping me when you wanted to get back to your cousin’s harness shop in Pennsylvania.”

  He was tempted to tell her that he really wasn’t in a hurry to return to Pennsylvania, but what reason could he give? He couldn’t just blurt out that he had fallen in love with her and wished he could stay right here in Webster County and marry her.

  “How are you managing now?” he asked instead. “Is your daed able to be here all the time?”

  She shrugged and released a noisy sigh. “He comes in every day but doesn’t always work the whole time. His hands are bothering him again, but he keeps at it the best he’s able.”

  Paul’s heart clenched, and he felt like he was being ripped in two. Pop needed him to work in the fields, but it was obvious that Barbara could still use his help. Then there was his cousin Andy, who’d written and said he was getting really busy and wondered when Paul planned to return to Pennsylvania. Paul wasn’t sure where he belonged or who needed him the most. The only thing he knew for certain was that he loved Barbara Zook. But what, if anything, should he do about it?

  Chapter 20

  Would you like to join us for supper?” Barbara asked as Paul was about to get into his buggy. “It’ll just be me and the boys,” she added with a look of uncertainty. “Mom and Dad are going into town to eat.”

  “I’d be happy to join you for supper,” Paul said as a shiver of enthusiasm tickled his spine. This was the opportunity he’d been waiting for. With any luck, after Barbara’s sons were finished eating, he’d have some time to be alone with her, to tell her how he’d come to care for her, and to hopefully discover how she felt about him. He didn’t want to leave Webster County until he knew. Maybe, if his prayers were answered, he wouldn’t have to leave at all.

  He smiled to himself. She must care a little, or she wouldn’t have invited me to stay for supper.

  At Barbara’s suggestion, Paul waited on the back porch while she went next door to get her brood. He took a seat on the top step and stared into the yard, overgrown with weeds again and direly in need of a good mowing. He figured Barbara was probably hesitant about asking some of the women to do more yard work for her, but he was surprised that the bishop hadn’t thought to ask someone to do it. If Paul didn’t forget, he might speak with Margaret about helping Barbara again. She was good with flowers and probably wouldn’t mind helping out. Paul figured his widowed sister-in-law most likely needed something to do.

  His thoughts returned to Barbara. Lord, give me the courage to open my heart to her tonight. I need to know if she’s going to marry John or whether she might have an interest in me. If it’s Your will for us to be together, help her to be receptive to the idea.

  When Paul heard a door open, he glanced over at the Rabers’ place. Joseph was the first to exit his grandparents’ house, and he bounded across the lawn like an excited puppy.

  Waving at Paul as if he hadn’t seen him for several weeks, the child leaped into Paul’s arms. “Mama said you’re here for supper again!”

  “That’s right.” Paul ruffled the boy’s blond hair.

  “I’m ever so glad.” Joseph nestled against Paul’s chest, and once more, Paul was filled with a strong desire to marry and raise a family. Never had he felt so much love from a child.

  Barbara showed up then with Aaron, Zachary, and the baby. “Let’s go inside, shall we?” she said with a smile that warmed Paul’s heart.

  “Sounds good to me.” Paul stood, and Joseph latched onto his hand.

  “How was school today, Aaron?” Paul asked as the boy tromped up the steps behind his mother.

  “Okay.”

  “Have you been helping your mamm in the harness shop after school and on Saturdays?”

  “Sometimes.”

  Paul sighed. So much for trying to make small talk with Barbara’s oldest. It was apparent the boy wasn’t near as happy to have Paul staying for supper as his younger brother seemed to be.

  As soon as they entered the h
ouse, Aaron took off upstairs. Joseph pulled Paul into the kitchen and pointed to the rocking chair. “Why don’t ya set a spell, and I’ll sit with you?”

  Paul looked at Barbara. When she nodded, he took a seat. Without invitation, Joseph crawled into his lap, and Zachary did the same. As Paul balanced the little guys on his knees, he wondered how it would feel to come home every night after work and be surrounded by his boys.

  He began to rock, hoping the action would get him thinking straight again. These were Barbara’s boys, not his.

  Barbara placed the sleeping baby in his carriage on the other side of the room and donned her choring apron. “Would soup and sandwiches be okay? I’ve got some leftover bean soup in the refrigerator.” When she glanced at Paul, he noticed how tired she looked—even more tired than when they’d been in the harness shop earlier. Dark circles hung beneath her eyes, her cheeks were flushed, and her shoulders drooped with obvious fatigue.

  “How can I help?” he asked. “Would you like for me to set the table or make the sandwiches?”

  Barbara presented Paul with a smile that let him know she was grateful for the offer. “The boys can set the table. If you’ve a mind to make the sandwiches, there’s some barbecued beef in the refrigerator. Maybe you could get the container of leftover soup out for me, too.”

  “Sure, no problem.”

  She looked at Joseph. “Take Zachary to the bathroom and see that you both get washed up. Tell Aaron to do the same. When you’re done, I’d like you to set the table.”

  Joseph leaned heavily against Paul’s chest. “Promise you won’t leave?”

  Paul tweaked the boy’s nose. “ ’Course not.”

  The children climbed down and scampered out of the room.

  Paul retrieved a platter of shredded beef and the bowl of bean soup from the refrigerator. After Barbara lit the propane stove, Paul poured the soup into a pot and set it on the burner. Then he grabbed the sandwich rolls and filled them with barbecued beef. He licked his lips as the tantalizing aroma of bean soup permeated the kitchen. His stomach rumbled, reminding him how hungry he was.

  Should I say something to Barbara about the way I feel or wait until after supper? In spite of the sense of urgency that pulled on Paul’s heart, he decided it would be better to wait until the boys were finished eating so he could speak to her without interruption.

  All during supper, Barbara sensed Paul wanted to say something to her. Maybe it was something important. He seemed kind of edgy, toying with his napkin and staring at her in an odd way.

  Does he care about me? Should I allow myself to have feelings for him in spite of Aaron’s negative attitude? Would it be possible for us to have more than a working relationship or friendship?

  Determined to set her troubling thoughts aside, Barbara finished her last bite of soup and pushed her chair away from the table.

  Paul did the same, placing his empty bowl and eating utensils in the sink. “Barbara, I’d like to speak to you alone, if it’s all right. Maybe we could sit outside on the porch awhile—just the two of us?”

  “That sounds nice, but I need to do up the dishes first.”

  “Why not let Aaron and Joseph do them? They’re old enough, don’t you think?” He turned to face the boys, who still sat at the table. “Maybe even little Zachary could help by clearing the rest of the table.”

  Joseph grinned as though he considered it a compliment that Paul thought him big enough to do the dishes. Aaron, however, glared at Paul with a look of defiance glinting in his dark eyes.

  “You’ve got no right to be tellin’ me or my brieder what to do,” Aaron mumbled.

  Paul stepped forward and turned his palms up. “It was only a suggestion to your mamm.”

  Joseph grabbed his plate and scrambled out of his chair, hurrying toward the sink. “Boost me up, Mama, so I can do these dishes.”

  Barbara leaned over and tickled her son under the chin. “If you’re going to be washing dishes, then you’ll need a chair to stand on.”

  Joseph turned to face Aaron. “Bring me a chair, would ya please?”

  Aaron folded his arms in a stubborn, unyielding pose. “Get it yourself!”

  “What’s gotten into you?” Barbara shook her finger and gave the boy a stern look. “Bring a chair over to the sink now, and apologize to your brother for the way you spoke to him.”

  Aaron stared straight ahead, not budging from his seat. Zachary kept eating his soup, apparently unaware of the tension that permeated the room.

  Barbara grimaced. She’d thought her oldest boy was doing better lately, but apparently she’d been wrong. She opened her mouth to reprimand Aaron, but Paul spoke first.

  “Your mother’s right. You do owe your brother an apology. And you owe your mamm one, too, for not doing as she told you.”

  Aaron compressed his lips into a thin line as he sat in his chair, unmoving.

  Paul crossed the room, pulled out a chair beside the boy, and sat down. “This is not acceptable behavior. What have you got to say for yourself?”

  Aaron’s shoulders slumped as he stared at the table.

  Paul glanced at Barbara with a questioning look. He seemed to be asking for her permission to handle the situation.

  “Go ahead, if you don’t mind,” she said, grabbing the closest chair and pushing it over to the sink. Joseph climbed onto the chair, and she helped him fill the dishpan with soap and water.

  Silence reigned at the table, and Barbara wondered if she’d made a mistake letting Paul take charge of things. When she was certain Joseph could handle the dishes on his own, she took a seat across from Aaron.

  “I don’t know why you’re acting this way,” she said sternly, “but I will not have you disobeying or spouting off like this; is that clear?”

  The boy nodded soberly.

  Paul touched Aaron’s arm, but he jerked it away and glared at Paul. “You ain’t my daed.”

  Paul opened his mouth, and so did Barbara, but before either could speak, Aaron pushed his chair aside and raced out the back door.

  Chapter 21

  Paul stared out the kitchen window. “My mamm always said I ought to learn to keep my big mouth shut. Now I’ve made the boy real mad.”

  “It’s not your fault,” Barbara said, joining him at the window. “Aaron started acting moody and belligerent after David died. I thought he was getting better.” She shrugged and sighed. “Guess I was wrong.”

  “Maybe I should go after him.”

  Barbara shook her head. “I think it’s best if we let him be by himself awhile.”

  “But who’s gonna help me with the dishes?” Joseph spoke up from his place at the sink.

  Paul crossed the room and patted the boy’s shoulder. “You wash, and I’ll dry. How’s that sound?”

  Joseph grinned up at him. “I’d like that.” He looked over at Zachary, still sitting at the table, dawdling with his bowl of soup. “Hurry up, ya slowpoke. We need them dishes.”

  “Let’s get the ones in the sink done first,” Paul suggested. “By then, maybe your little brother will be finished.”

  “Okay.”

  If only my oldest son would be so compliant, Barbara thought. Is it Aaron’s personality to be so negative and defiant, or have I failed him somehow? If David were still alive, would things be any different? Probably so, since Aaron and his father were always close, and Aaron was willing to do most anything his father asked of him.

  Just then the baby began to cry. Barbara turned her attention to the precious bundle lying in the carriage across the room. “I need to feed and change Davey,” she said to Paul. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be upstairs for a while.”

  He nodded as he took another clean dish from Joseph. At least Barbara hoped the boy was getting them clean.

  “Maybe by the time you come back to the kitchen, Aaron will have returned,” Paul said in a reassuring tone.

  Barbara felt his strength and kindness surround her like a warm quilt. For one wild moment, she ha
d the crazy impulse to lean her head against his chest and feel the warmth of his embrace.

  Pushing the ridiculous notion aside, she scooped the baby into her arms. “I shouldn’t be gone too long.”

  Paul glanced at the clock on the wall above the refrigerator. It was almost seven. He really should be getting home so he could do any final chores for the day. Barbara had been gone nearly an hour, and so had Aaron. It was possible that she might have fallen asleep while feeding the baby, but why wasn’t that insolent boy back yet?

  “Hey, watch what you’re doin’!” Joseph shouted.

  Paul turned just in time to see Zachary chomp down on a piece of puzzle, leaving an obvious tooth mark on one end.

  “Give me that!” Joseph reached across his little brother and snatched the puzzle piece from his mouth.

  “You’re not supposed to eat the puzzle,” he said with a grunt.

  “Hungerich,” Zachary whined.

  “I don’t care if you are hungry,” Joseph grumbled. “You should have eaten more of your supper.”

  Zachary’s lower lip quivered, and his eyes pooled with tears.

  Joseph shot Paul a beseeching look. “Can he have a cookie?”

  Paul shrugged. “I—I guess it would be all right. Where does your mamm keep the cookies?”

  Joseph pointed to the cupboard across the room.

  “Okay. I’ll see if there are any.” Paul made his way across the room and opened the cupboard door. Inside, he found a green ceramic jar with a matching lid. He opened it and discovered a batch of chocolate chip cookies. He set the jar on the table, dipped his hand inside, scooped out four cookies, and set two in front of each of the boys. Then he opened the back door and stepped onto the porch. He saw no sign of Aaron.

  He stuck his head inside the kitchen doorway. “Joseph, I’m going to run over to your grandma and grandpa’s place a minute. Will you and Zachary be all right?”

  The boy’s head bobbed up and down. “We’ll be fine. Mama’s just upstairs, ya know.”

  “Okay. I’ll be back quick as a wink.” Paul bounded off the porch and raced over to the Rabers’ house. He pounded on the door several times, but no one answered. Then he remembered that Barbara had said her folks were going out for supper. They probably weren’t back yet.