The Survivor

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  “Better.” After kicking another rock, Abel added, “I just wish sometimes we did something different.”

  Now was her chance. “Well, son, soon we will be doing something different.” Inserting false merriment in her voice, she added, “We’re going to have a guest for supper on Monday evening.”

  “This coming Monday?”

  “Jah.”

  “Who?” he asked over his shoulder.

  “John Weaver.”

  He stopped. “John from the donut shop?”

  “Yes. I, uh, thought it would be nice to have him over. The two of you seemed to enjoy spending time together.”

  “But he’s English.”

  “I know.” Of course she also knew that he was considering adopting their ways. Or, perhaps, reacquainting himself with their ways?

  “Why is he coming?” he asked, his voice full of suspicion.

  “Because, child, I asked him to. That is reason enough.” Now that they were side by side again, she patted his arm.

  “Why? Is it because of me?” Distrust flared in his eyes, hot and suspicious. “Are you still worried about me? That’s why you had me work with him some, isn’t it?”

  Her invitation had had nothing to do with Abel, she realized. In her own way, she’d been yearning for something different, too. “It is because John has become a gut friend and I am tired of eating donuts.”

  “Like that makes sense,” Abel muttered. But as they began walking again, Mary noticed that he continued to look at her curiously. As if he didn’t quite trust her, as if he wasn’t quite sure what to think about this new development. Or how to react.

  Well, that was okay with her. She wasn’t sure about her relationship with John Weaver, either. And she certainly didn’t know how to react around him.

  Not at all.

  “Have you heard the news?” Corrine asked Mattie after they’d gotten their Trail bologna sandwiches and were sitting side by side at a table eating lunch after church services at the Millers.

  Mattie took a listless bite of her sandwich. Even though she was done with her chemotherapy treatments, nothing tasted all that appetizing. She ate now to try and gain weight and to keep her health. Hardly ever did she find enjoyment in the meals.

  At the moment, though, even the silly worries of her community grated on her nerves. Sometimes she was so tired of people talking about each other and making predictions about their futures.

  “What news is that? The news about Abraham’s new horse or the Lunds’ naughty four-year-old?” she said drily.

  Corrine leaned closer. “I’m talking about Jenna Yoder’s news, of course.”

  Feeling a twinge of unease, Mattie put her sandwich back on her plate. Though Graham had told her things were over between him and Jenna, perhaps he’d only been telling her that to spare her feelings.

  Resolutely, she prepared herself to hear more wonderful-gut news about Graham’s past infatuation. “What about her?”

  “She’s expecting.”

  Her mouth suddenly feeling dry, she coughed. “Truly?”

  “Oh, jah. And she has no sweetheart to speak of, you know.”

  No sweetheart besides Graham. Confusion waged war inside her head as she sought to keep her voice and manner only mildly interested. “Well, I imagine her parents are mighty upset.”

  “Well, of course they are.”

  Mattie took another bite of her sandwich, simply to gain another moment or two to coax her emotions back in line. “Who is the father? I haven’t heard of her seeing anyone other than Graham.”

  “People are saying it’s Graham,” Corrine murmured. “Some are saying that they’ve been meeting in private, without anyone knowing.”

  “That hardly makes sense.”

  “I know. But from what I understand, she’s told people the babe is his.”

  Mattie’s hands shook as she tried to process that information. “We’re talking about my Graham, right?” When Corrine’s eyes widened, Mattie rephrased the question. “I mean, my, uh, neighbor.”

  “Of course I’m speaking of Graham Weaver.” Corrine picked up her sandwich and took a big bite. “The news surprised me, too, it did. I have to tell ya, I’ve always thought there was something special between you and Graham. I thought one day you two would see past your jokes and friendship and turn things into something more.”

  Once upon a time, back when she’d been small, Mattie had hoped things between them would turn romantic.

  But as the years passed, she’d been more grateful for his friendship. Though sometimes she’d had an uncomfortable stinging sensation when he’d talked about Jenna, she’d pushed that feeling away. After all, she wanted him to be happy; he certainly deserved that.

  And then there was that moment in the elevator . . . She pushed the thought aside. Yes, what she needed to do was concentrate on Graham’s happiness. And given this news, she needed to get accustomed to the idea that Jenna and Graham would be announcing their intentions to marry soon.

  When they married, all of their fun, easygoing time together would be in the past. As they’d both assumed it would.

  But she wasn’t ready to share all that with Corrine.

  And, to her surprise, she also wasn’t ready to picture Graham and Jenna together forever. “Perhaps the rumor isn’t true,” she said quickly. “You know how people like to talk.”

  “People do talk. But this news is true. Jenna is with child.”

  “No. I mean, it’s not possible that her sweetheart is Graham.”

  “I know that might make you upset, but you can’t deny the facts. Graham did see Jenna for a while.”

  Mattie hated that here again gossip and innuendo were taking center stage. “That may be true, but Graham wouldn’t . . . I mean, he didn’t . . .” Oh, but she was so flustered! Too flustered to even contemplate that he’d been intimate with Jenna. “He’s just not like that. And believe me, I know Graham well.”

  Corrine’s eyebrows rose as she picked up a celery stalk and crunched. “You might be right,” she said slowly. “After all, I did hear that he said it wasn’t his. But why would Jenna make up such a thing?”

  “I don’t know.” After all, there was no reason. In fact, Mattie had never heard of anyone outright lying about their circumstances. In their community, each person took care to be the type of man or woman to be proud of. And though no one was perfect, Mattie and her friends had always tried to act in a respectable manner.

  “So you really hadn’t heard about the babe?”

  “Of course not.”

  “I just thought, you and Graham are such gut friends . . .”

  “We are friends, but he’s never said a word to me about Jenna except that he wasn’t seeing her anymore.”

  Of course, that might have been because he’d known Mattie was a tiny bit jealous of the woman.

  Corrine nodded. “Well, most likely Graham didn’t wish to upset you.”

  Mattie grimaced. That could be true. But either way, she was definitely upset. Scanning the area, she attempted to find the girl they were speaking of. But no matter how hard she looked, she didn’t see Jenna’s usual navy-colored dress. “Where is Jenna, anyway?”

  “Not here.” Lowering her voice, Corrine said, “I heard that her parents were so upset with her, they made her move out of their home.”

  “What?”

  “Jah! I heard they’re terribly upset with her for being so foolish, and at Graham because he hasn’t married her yet.”

  Mattie looked around. She sighed when she finally spotted Graham sitting at a long table with his whole family. But instead of talking a mile a minute like usual, he was sitting morosely. A line had formed between his brows, and he was glaring at his parents.

  And with that line, a thin strand of worry began to snake through her. Maybe it was true. Maybe he h
adn’t been honest with her or about his feelings for Jenna?

  “Oh, my. I wonder what Graham is thinking.” Shifting her chair, she contemplated getting up and walking over to him. But even from her angle, Mattie could see that he was the focus of everyone’s attention. If she walked over, even more tongues would start wagging.

  Corrine leaned closer. “I feel sorry for him. Jenna is headstrong. They are going to have a rocky life together.”

  Yes. He and Jenna were not a good match. “Perhaps they won’t marry,” she said slowly.

  Vegetables done, Corrine picked up a peanut butter cookie. “Of course they have to marry. If they didn’t, what would happen to Jenna? She doesn’t really have a choice, you know.”

  No choice. Mattie hated that idea. When she was small, she always thought being older meant a person got to make more decisions.

  Now it seemed the opposite was true. Time and again, responsibility and duty necessitated choices. She glanced at the Weaver family once more, but to her surprise, Graham was gone.

  And then she sensed his presence near her. Looking to her right, she saw him approach, a determined expression on his face. “Mattie, may we talk for a bit?”

  Beside her, Corrine almost choked on her cookie. Everyone else surrounding them stopped talking and eagerly listened for her response. Waiting for more fodder for the gossip mill.

  And that was something she wasn’t eager to deal with. “I don’t think so.”

  Hurt flashed in his blue eyes. “Why not?”

  She felt guilty about hurting his feelings, but she couldn’t help herself. Though she’d defended his reputation to Corrine, Mattie wasn’t completely sure that he was the innocent party in Jenna’s drama. There had to be a grain of truth to her story.

  With that in mind, she kept her tone cool and quiet. “I’m not who you should be seen with, Graham.”

  He crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re not, huh?” His voice cooled. “And who do you think I should be seeing instead?”

  “Jenna.”

  “She’s not here.”

  “Perhaps you should go looking for her, then.”

  The fire in his eyes settled into the dim light of contempt. “So you believe the stories?”

  “They are hard to ignore.” Feeling like their whole community was still staring at them and soaking up every word like a sponge, Mattie picked up a corner of her sandwich. “I really need to eat,” she said.

  Looking at her like she was a stranger, Graham stared, then with a shake of his head, wandered off.

  “I’m proud of you,” Corrine murmured.

  “It had to be done,” Mattie said with a shrug. Resolutely, she took another bite of her sandwich.

  And tried not to gag.

  Chapter Four

  Now Graham knew his worst fears were realized. Mattie didn’t believe him. Even worse, she said she didn’t trust him, either. After everything they’d been through, she had the nerve to tell him such things.

  Graham felt so hurt and betrayed, he hardly knew where to turn. Not that there were plenty of choices. Everywhere he looked, other people—people he’d known all his life—were watching him without a bit of shame.

  Their pointed interest and disregard made him feel like something of an embarrassment. And that was a terribly unfamiliar and unwanted feeling.

  Seeking solace, Graham raised his chin and looked across the room, to where his brothers sat. He met Loyal’s gaze. Loyal was staring at him stoically, not betraying an inch of what he might be feeling. But all the same, Graham knew. It was obvious his brother was just as dismayed as he was about the situation he was in, and the lack of support he was receiving from those who knew him best.

  When Loyal raised an eyebrow, silently asking if Graham needed him, Graham shook his head in silent reply then walked out the door into the frigid air.

  Luckily, no one was congregating around the area. From there, it was only a few quick steps until he got to Beauty and walked her to the street. And then, because she was hooked up to a courting buggy, he clicked the reins and motioned Beauty to increase her pace.

  With the wind whipping on his cheeks, he let his anger and frustration fly. “I’ll admit it, Lord,” he said to the empty sky. “Right now I’m mad at Jenna, at my family, at my community, and at Mattie.”

  Even just thinking about Mattie made him ache. After everything he’d done for her, after every time he’d dropped everything in order to be by her side, he’d never imagined she would turn on him.

  “Why? Why is this happening?” he called out, so loud that Beauty started a bit. Lowering his voice, he continued. “I’ve tried to be as good as possible. I’ve tried to be the good brother, the good son, the good friend.” He shook his head in wonder. “I’ve even started working at the factory so as not to interfere with Calvin so much.”

  To his embarrassment, two tears fell. With a fist, he brushed them off. “But that’s not enough, is it? Maybe it’s never enough.”

  Beauty neighed. Bringing him back to the present, and to the other vehicles on the street. Just in time, he stopped the buggy at the stop sign, and took a deep breath.

  All his life, he’d prided himself on shaking off bad things. On never letting uncomfortable situations get to him. But he was beginning to realize that until now his faith and his honor had never really been tested. He’d lived most of his life being sheltered by his older brothers and feeling his parents’ unconditional love. Even his father’s death hadn’t shaken the belief that he was strong enough to bear any burden.

  Now Graham realized that he’d been reveling in a false sense of security. When his father passed, his brother Calvin had immediately stepped in to offer comfort and guidance.

  Even Mattie’s illness had been relatively easy to handle, because all he’d felt he had to do was be strong for her. Now his confidence embarrassed him. Of course it was easy to tell others to be strong when you weren’t worried about dying.

  It had been easy to hold Mattie and coax her to eat and sleep when he’d never had more than a day’s worth of sickness.

  Two miles later, his heart still heavy but his resolve stronger, Graham turned right and headed home. “I’m now ready to hold my burdens, Lord,” he said. “Even if they hurt. Even if they make me feel weaker than I’ve ever felt.”

  And as he said the words, Graham felt the strong hand of the Lord resting on his shoulder. Reassuring him that all would be fine. That one day he would understand why he was going through this dilemma.

  “I hope so,” he said bitterly. “I hope I hear very soon.”

  “Jenna, this here is your bedroom. I, uh, hope it will suit you?” Mary rocked back on her feet, staying in the hall but motioning Jenna in.

  After a pause, Jenna walked through the doorway. Inside was a twin bed covered with a raspberry-colored quilt. Beside it stood a fine-looking oak bedside table. A rectangular rag rug covered the floor. In the corner stood a wicker rocking chair and an oak table.

  It was lovely and Spartan and immaculately clean.

  It was also the first room Jenna had ever had to herself. The idea of having so much privacy was a bit disconcerting. Until now, her whole life had been about sharing.

  Mary nervously rolled the bottom of her black apron between two fingers. “I hope it will suffice.”

  “Oh, jah.” Jenna forced herself to smile. Her awkwardness surely had nothing to do with Mary’s hospitality. “This is a lovely room. It is terribly kind of you to allow me to stay here.”

  “We have the space, and you need a place to stay.”

  Mary’s words were exactly right. But still, Jenna was thankful. “I’m so grateful. Danke.”

  Some of the lines around Mary’s mouth smoothed. “I’m glad you like it. I know it’s not like your home. But, perhaps—”

  “It’s wunderbaar,” Jenna interrupted. A
ctually, it was far nicer than she was used to. Being the oldest of nine children meant a lifetime of hand-me-downs from relatives. And for making due with mismatched things.

  Though it had never really bothered her—she’d never known any different—she could admit to daydreaming about having a room of her very own. If even for a little while.

  “Do you want this in here, Mamm?” Abel asked as he came around the corner, lugging in Jenna’s suitcase.

  Mary straightened a bit. “Jah. Set it on the bed.”

  With a strained expression, Abel scooted by his mother and lumbered past Jenna, then with a heft, he plunked the filled-to-the-brim suitcase on the bed.

  In answer, the twin bed squeaked a bit in protest.

  “Abel, you should be more careful,” Mary chided.

  “It was heavy, Mamm.” With a scornful expression, Abel looked Jenna over. “What did you have in there, bricks?”

  “Abel! Don’t be so rude.”

  His cheeks flushed. But his grumpiness just made Jenna smile. She had five younger brothers, four of whom were in their teenage years. “I’m surprised you caught on to my secret so quickly,” she said playfully. “Yes, Abel, I packed my suitcase full of bricks just so you’d complain about carrying it around.”

  His eyes widened a split second before a grudging smile appeared. “It was no trouble.” He flexed one arm. “I’m plenty strong.”

  “Yes, you are. I appreciate you bringing it in. Danke.”

  He nodded his welcome before brushing past his mother as he exited the room.

  Jenna watched Mary look after Abel with a burst of fierce longing. With a shake of her head, Mary turned back to Jenna. “I’ll let you have some time to get settled, Jenna. If you think of anything you need, please let me know.”

  “I won’t need anything else. I promise. Mary, I just want you to know . . . I’m very grateful to you. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t offered me a place to stay.”

  “Now, let’s not mention it again. After all, everyone needs a place to live, dear. I’m glad I could help.” Gripping her apron again, she paused at the door. “Jenna, are you sure your parents don’t want you to stay at home?”