The Survivor

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  Remembering her father’s fierce scowl, his hurtful tone when he commanded her to leave before the end of the week, Jenna shook her head. “I’m certain. I’m no longer welcome at home.” She raised her chin. “I’ve shamed them, you see.”

  Mary’s eyes softened in sympathy. “People say things all the time they wish they could take back. Perhaps when things settle down, they’ll reconsider.”

  Mary’s words were sweet, but Jenna knew better. Her parents were good people, but they had ideas that couldn’t be changed and rules that they insisted be followed.

  She’d known the moment she told them about her pregnancy that there would be no hugs or soft words. “I don’t think so. I’m the oldest child, with three younger sisters and five brothers, too. All my life, I’ve been told that it’s my duty to be a role model to them. Unfortunately, I’ve failed at that.”

  “We all fail from time to time. It’s a difficult thing, to be an example, I think. It’s not hardly fair for you or your siblings, either.”

  Jenna had never heard anything different, though she did appreciate Mary saying such things. After all, it would be nice to imagine having room for mistakes.

  But there was nothing to say, anyway. What was done was done.

  Mary fingered the edge of her apron again. “When you’re ready, come downstairs. I’ve made some hot chocolate and homemade marshmallows.”

  The fake smiles were becoming easier. “That sounds delicious. I’ll be downstairs soon.”

  After Mary left, Jenna closed the door, the sound echoing through the room, making her isolation seem even more pronounced. Almost afraid, she leaned back against the door and looked around the room. So pristine. So big.

  “I should count my blessings,” she told herself. “I am healthy and I have a bed to sleep in. That’s more than I probably deserve.”

  No, it was far more than what she deserved.

  The awful truth of what she’d done hit her hard. As memories surged forward, Jenna felt her skin flush with embarrassment. Oh, but she’d done so much wrong.

  Almost against her will, memories scattered forward. Tiny snippets of the past six months. Remembering seeing him for the very first time. Remembering how tingly she’d gotten just from a simple smile.

  Remembering one night when the air was thick and hot and she’d let a few kisses become so much more . . .

  Feeling her face heat, Jenna shook her head and forced herself to start thinking of the future instead of the past.

  “Jesus, do you think I’ll ever be able to atone? Will you, at least, forgive my sins?” she asked the empty room.

  Without pausing for an answer, Jenna forced herself to go to the bed and unzip her suitcase. The moment she lifted the top, smells of home surrounded her. Lavender and dust. On the very top was her well-worn chenille robe. Her mother had given it to her two years ago for Christmas. Almost her favorite possession.

  Jenna had treasured the store-bought robe. It was so clean and perfect. For a time, it had symbolized everything she’d thought she’d wanted. Hope and choices.

  Now it just symbolized everything she’d lost.

  Tears pricked her eyes as she carefully hung the robe on one of the hooks by the door. Then, with a determination she’d pulled from deep inside her, Jenna strode back to her suitcase. She needed to unpack and go join Mary downstairs.

  But right under the robe was an envelope, stopping her in her tracks. Fingering the envelope, Jenna gulped. The sloppy, crooked penmanship was unmistakable. Only her sister Ruth could never master how to make a cursive J.

  Sitting on the bed, Jenna opened the envelope, then felt her throat constrict as she read Ruth’s words.

  Jenna,

  I can’t believe you’re gone. That you’ve left us! Everyone here is depressed, especially Mamm and Daed, though they are right now acting as if you never existed at all.

  I can’t believe Graham Weaver is lying to everyone, too, and not even getting into trouble. Two girls I know who’ve talked to Ella Weaver, Loyal Weaver’s wife, say even she is sticking up for him.

  It just don’t make sense!

  Jenna, we have to think of a way to convince Graham to do the right thing and stop shaming you. As soon as he does that, why, no one will even care that you’ve got a baby on the way!

  Then we’d be planning your wedding instead of pretending you didn’t exist.

  I’ll try to write again, but it won’t be easy. Mamm sat us all down and said you’ve done things that we should all be fearful of and that you should be terribly guilty about. And that until you make everything right (marry Graham!) we should do our best to not think of you.

  We’re not even supposed to speak of you. Ever.

  That will be hard, however, because I surely miss you. Lydia has pushed her way into the room and she snores.

  Love,

  Your sister Ruth

  Raising a fist to her mouth, Jenna choked back tears. Never would she have imagined that one bad decision would influence so many others.

  Now her sister was suffering, and Graham was . . . embarrassed.

  And shamed.

  Remembering their last conversation, Jenna bit her lip. When she’d showed up at his house, she had thought he had really liked her. That he would have jumped at the chance to save his reputation and hers, too. Of course, she’d been wrong. Graham wasn’t going to reach out to her at all.

  Finally, thinking clearly, Jenna knew she didn’t blame him. After all, both she and he knew the truth. The baby she carried was certainly not his.

  But that knowledge didn’t make the whole truth any easier—there was no way she could ever tell who the father was.

  Surely no one would ever believe her if she did tell. But even knowing that didn’t make what had happened any easier to forget.

  “Jenna, are you ready for hot cocoa?”

  Jerking to her feet, Jenna pulled open the door. “Yes, Mary. Danke. I’ll be right there.” Closing the door behind her, she left the open suitcase and letter behind her.

  At least for the time being.

  Chapter Five

  Mattie knew she had no choice. From the moment she’d refused Graham’s offer to talk with her privately, she’d been besieged by guilt. She might not understand what had happened, she might feel sad about him being with Jenna, but he didn’t deserve her cold shoulder. He certainly hadn’t deserved to be snubbed in front of just about everyone at the lunch after church.

  She’d meant to see him on Monday, but she’d promised her mother that she’d help clean one of the cupboards in their kitchen, sort out old towels, and make fudge. All of that took far longer than she’d anticipated.

  But that busy work led to lots of time to let her mind wander. And as she replayed the conversation with Graham in her mind, the awkwardness between them became amplified.

  She’d known this morning that the only right thing to do was to visit him and try to smooth things over.

  With a determined step, she walked the well-worn path to his house. In the spring and summer, the path was glorious. Vines and other growth decorated the sides, bringing with it the sweet smell of honeysuckle and jasmine.

  Now, as winter quickly approached, patches of dirty snow kept company with patches of black dirt and clumps of leftover fallen leaves. The mixture crunched under her boots.

  As she passed the snarled vines of the berry patch, she contemplated what to say to Graham. Over and over she practiced various ways to apologize for her rudeness. But even to her mind, all of it seemed far too light and rang of falseness.

  They were too good of friends to gloss over past indiscretions.

  She was still wondering how to go about saying what was in her heart, all while preparing to hear about his kindled relationship with Jenna when she arrived at his doorstep.

  Warily, she knocked on the door
and waited.

  His little sister Katie opened the door. “Hi, Mattie. Whatcha doing here?”

  Obviously, there was going to be no getting away from the truth. “I thought I’d come over and see Graham. Is he here?”

  Katie nodded. “Uh-huh. He’s over in the barn, looking at the rabbits.”

  Though she was a bundle of nerves, Mattie smiled. Everyone knew how much Katie was fascinated by their never-ending rabbit population. It was something of an aggravation for Graham—it always fell to him to explain why they had so many bunnies. And why they couldn’t keep them all.

  “I’ll go out there and see him, then.”

  “I could go with you—” Katie suggested, just as Lucy stepped forward and held her tiny sister-in-law back.

  “No, you could not,” she said gently. “You are going to stay here and help me make a potato casserole. Go on, now.” When Katie turned and walked back into the kitchen, Lucy lowered her voice. “A word of warning—Graham’s not too happy. Not happy with the world . . . or you.”

  “I expected that. I’ll be fine.”

  “I hope so. I wish—” The scrape of a chair behind her interrupted her thoughts. “I’ve got to go. But we should talk soon.”

  “All right.” As Lucy closed the door, Mattie made her way toward the barn, picking her steps carefully over the gray gravel and frozen sections of mud.

  When she entered the large barn, she spotted Graham immediately. He was kneeling in front of the hutch, an aggravated expression on his face. In the hutch were a black-and-white mother rabbit and three or four bunnies. Normally, she would have knelt down to take a closer look at the baby animals.

  But at the moment, she could hardly bring her feet to move. “Hi,” she said.

  When he looked her way, Mattie noticed his expression didn’t change. If anything, it looked almost blank, like a fresh chalkboard. “Mattie, what brings you here?”

  “An apology.”

  Straightening, he looked at her curiously. “For what?”

  “For you know what. I shouldn’t have pushed you away at the lunch, and especially not with everyone else looking on. I’m mighty sorry for that.”

  He stilled, gazed at her for a long moment, then waved his hand in front of him. Just as if he was shooing a fly away. “It was nothing.”

  Just the fact that he was being so accommodating meant it was definitely something. If he hadn’t been upset with her, he would’ve been teasing her. “I don’t know why I didn’t want to talk to you,” she said, struggling with every word. “I guess I was feeling hurt. It’s hard for me to think about you being with Jenna.”

  Anger flashed in his eyes. “I wasn’t with her. At all, Mattie. She’s lying. I don’t know why, but she is.”

  A secret part of her felt that he was, indeed, telling the truth. Which, of course, made her feel even worse. She needed to make amends, and quickly. Stepping closer, Mattie lightly touched his arm. “Do you have time to go for a walk now? If so, I’d be happy to walk with you.”

  His eyebrow rose as she curved her hands around his elbow. “You sure about this?”

  “I am. I told you I was sorry, and I came all the way over here to apologize, too. You ought to believe me, Graham.”

  Almost imperceptibly, his shoulders relaxed, then he glanced at her again. “Now that I’m not so angry, I’m beginning to see why you might not want to be seen with me. People might talk.”

  “I wasn’t worried about gossip.” Struggling with her roiling emotions, she blurted, “Graham, I was upset about you and Jenna. I didn’t want to think of you two like that.”

  “And now?”

  “And now I realize that I have been terribly foolish. Come on, Graham. Let’s go. If you can leave those bunnies.”

  Graham chuckled under his breath, an unhappy, derisive sound. “This is a nightmare. I’ve been found guilty without ever getting a chance to speak.”

  “Don’t worry. People know you. Things will get better.”

  “Not without more pain.”

  “Your faith will help.”

  By mutual agreement, they kept walking, away from his house and the barn—back onto the path that their footprints had marked so many times over the years.

  Above, dark clouds began to blow in, darkening the November sky. As the silence between them dragged and the clouds continued to roll in, hanging low, Mattie felt as if the whole world was closing up on them.

  Graham was still terribly angry with her, that much was evident. As she felt his anger and sadness float over her, his reaction made her ache. She was so used to his open affection and support; more than anything, she wished she could take back the past two days and do things differently.

  The fanciful thoughts brought a chill to Mattie’s spirits, and to her skin. Glad for her thick cloak, Mattie wrapped her arms around herself. The cancer drugs had left her immune system low, and now she got cold so easily. And sick easily, too.

  As a breeze sailed through the valley, she trembled, then glanced at Graham to see if he noticed. Out of habit, she’d become used to Graham always noticing her physical condition.

  She’d gotten accustomed to him fussing over her, doing his best to make sure she added layers. She couldn’t count the number of times he’d wrapped one of his knit scarves around her neck, or slipped a warm arm around her shoulders.

  But today he was oblivious to the drop in temperature and how it affected her. Or perhaps he didn’t care.

  She supposed she didn’t blame him. But it was time to discuss things before they had to turn back. “Graham, what is this about you and Jenna?” she finally asked. “What happened between the two of you?”

  His eyes narrowed. “You’re asking if Jenna is indeed expecting my baby?”

  She was embarrassed to hear the question put so plainly. But she couldn’t deny her curiosity, either. “Jah.”

  He stopped. “So you believe what you heard?”

  His voice was so harsh and accusing, her feelings were hurt. Getting further chilled, she rubbed her arms again. “I don’t know what to believe. I only learned the news from Corrine yesterday at lunch.”

  Abruptly, he stopped. “Is that what everyone’s calling this? The news?”

  She didn’t appreciate receiving the brunt of his anger. “Well . . . yes.” She swallowed. “Graham, why didn’t you tell me that Jenna is expecting?”

  “Because I didn’t know until she showed up at my house the day we got stuck on that elevator.”

  She blinked. Oh, but that felt like it was months ago instead of just days. “I see.”

  “Do you? Do you see that her condition has nothing to do with me?” Pain filled his eyes as he stared at her. “Mattie, I don’t even know if Jenna is really pregnant or not.”

  “Why would she lie?”

  “I have no idea. I’ve given up trying to figure out why she would lie about me.”

  When Mattie couldn’t help but gape at him, he charged ahead.

  She rushed to catch up. “Graham?” she said hesitantly. “Are you sure she’s lying?” Oh, the question hurt, but a lie would be worse . . .

  “I’m positive. Mattie, I don’t know who the father of her child is, but it certainly isn’t me. It’s not possible.” Finally slowing, he said, “Do you hear what I’m saying? There is no way I could have fathered her child. Ever.”

  So he hadn’t had relations with Jenna. Mattie felt a surge of relief, though she knew she didn’t really have any reason to feel so possessive over him. He had every right to have relationships, she supposed with a sinking feeling.

  “You aren’t saying anything,” he murmured.

  “There’s not much to say.”

  “You always have something to say.” A flicker of amusement filled his gaze before it faded into seriousness again. “So, do you believe me?”

  �
�I’m trying to,” she said honestly.

  “Mattie, I need you to trust me. I need you to believe in me, no matter what.”

  They were still walking, mounting a slight hill in their path. The cold breeze whipped around them, flattening their jackets to their bodies. It wrapped the skirts of her dress around her calves, and caused another fierce shiver to reverberate through her.

  “I’ll try,” she murmured, reaching out to him as her breath became labored.

  It was the best she could do. Because she knew more than most how hard it was to tell people the truth all the time. With her cancer and her treatments, she’d learned that.

  She’d learned that, too, when she’d viewed Lucy’s bruises from her first husband. And knew Lucy never told anyone.

  Looking disgusted, Graham shook off her hand. “Look. Don’t worry about it. You’re going to be too busy to worry about me, anyway.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because a man I know from work wants to pay you a call.”

  “You did as I asked?”

  “I always do as you ask, Mattie,” he said, sounding a bit put out that she didn’t realize it. “His name is William.”

  Though she knew it was inappropriate, her ears perked up. “Graham, really? What is he like?”

  “He’s Amish. I don’t know him real well, but the other men seem to think highly of him. He seems nice enough, I suppose.”

  “When will I see him?”

  “I’m supposed to tell him tomorrow if you want to meet him. If you do, he’s going to stop over at your house tomorrow after work.” He paused. “You don’t have to go through with it, you know. I can tell him you changed your mind.”

  “I haven’t.”

  After studying her face again, he shrugged. “All right, then.” Though the wind was still biting into their cheeks, Graham pulled off his hat and tilted his face up to the fresh air. While the breeze ruffled his hair, he murmured, “Mattie, I cannot believe I’m playing matchmaker for you.”

  “I’m grateful.” She couldn’t resist smiling. “I promise I am.”