The Survivor

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  “Okay.”

  Thinking about school made him think of Abel, who was about as far from being an eager student as a child could get. “Katie, do you happen to ever see Abel Zehr at school?”

  “Yes, but he don’t talk to me. He’s big.”

  “I guess he is. Is he a good boy?”

  “Not always.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Oh, I don’t know.”

  Now he was curious. Rarely did Katie hesitate to offer an opinion. “What does he do at school?”

  She shrugged. “He doesn’t say much. And he ignores me.” She paused. “After you get baptized, what are you gonna do?”

  “I’m going to eat lunch with everyone, of course,” he said with a smile. Actually, he wasn’t ready to tell her more about his plans.

  “Are you going to stop driving your truck?”

  “I am.”

  “Are you going to move out by us?”

  “I am not.”

  “Are you going to turn off your lights in your apartment?”

  “I am.”

  “Are you—”

  “Katie, enough,” he said, exasperated. “You are enough to drive a man to drink.”

  Her eyes widened. “Uncle John!”

  “Perhaps not drink. Maybe just to getting a headache?” he asked as they entered the homey-looking restaurant. Immediately, warmth infused his body. “Ah, this is much better.”

  “My ears were getting cold.”

  He laughed. “Two please,” he told the hostess, then stilled when he saw Mary and Abel sitting together. Though they’d planned to see each other for dinner on the weekend, he couldn’t pass up this opportunity to see them. “Actually, perhaps we could join these two here?”

  Mary looked up. “John!”

  “Hi. I was just taking Katie here out for soup. Can we join you?”

  “Certainly.” All smiles, she scooted to the side, and gave Abel a look. “Isn’t it nice to have John and Katie join us?”

  “Sure,” Abel said.

  By his side, John noticed Katie shrinking a bit against him. “Katie, are you okay?”

  She nodded, but only looked at the table.

  Curious as to her reaction, he glanced at Abel again. His expression looked like ice, and he was glaring at her. “Is something wrong between the two of you?”

  After a moment, Abel shook his head. “Nee. I was just preparing myself to be tattled on.”

  “I wasna gonna say a thing,” Katie blurted.

  Mary leaned forward. “Say a thing about what?”

  “About how Abel gets into trouble all the time.”

  “What?” John bit back his words after seeing Mary’s shocked reaction.

  Abel’s eyebrows snapped together. “It’s just because I’m stupid, right?”

  Mary crossed her arms in front of her chest. “Abel Zehr, you will explain yourself.”

  “I have a hard time in school,” he muttered, a mutinous expression burning in his eyes. “You know that.”

  She faltered. “Your grades have not been that bad.”

  “They’ve never been good, either, Mamm.” Brushing the hair from his forehead, he shook his head. “Why, I bet even Katie here can read better than I can.”

  John looked at Katie, ready to shush her if she started bragging about how she was, indeed, a very good reader.

  But instead of looking proud, she looked unsure and doubtful.

  Abel continued. “It’s not like I haven’t been trying. But even when I do, our teacher always gets mad at me.”

  “You never told me any of this.”

  “What could you have done?”

  “Something, surely.”

  John’s heart went out to her. Though he had no children, he was learning quickly from his dealings with Katie that their problems and needs quickly turned into his own. Right now, he was able to make Katie happy by giving her attention, donuts, and hugs. But it was very hard indeed to realize that one day she would need things he could never give her.

  Just as he was contemplating any number of platitudes to tell Mary, Katie interrupted. “We’re getting a new teacher,” she said.

  For a moment, hope entered Abel’s eyes, then dimmed again. “Like that’s going to make anything better.”

  “It might,” Katie said, sounding older than her six years. “The other kids said Miss Yoder is nice.”

  “Like that would matter.”

  Though of course all of this was news to John, he was somewhat surprised to see that it was news to Mary, too.

  “Why have you not told me any of this before now?” she asked.

  “You’ve seen my grades.”

  “I thought you were just behind because you needed to try harder.”

  “Mamm, I have tried hard. Really hard. The truth is . . . well . . . I have a hard time reading. The letters move all around and get switched up.”

  “Maybe he should get tested,” John said. He remembered reading in the paper about all kinds of learning disabilities a child could have. Needs that only special teachers could help.

  “Tested?” Mary lifted a brow.

  “You know, like from an Englischer.” John racked his brain. “Maybe he has a learning problem.” Recalling one of the men he’d worked with at the tire distributor, he said, “Maybe he has dyslexia.”

  “A disease?” Mary looked like she was on the verge of tears.

  “No, no.” Seeing that he had Abel’s attention, too, John explained. “That’s when someone sees numbers and letters all mixed up and backwards.”

  A flash of recognition entered Abel’s eyes before he turned away. “I’m twelve. There’s no need to do anything. I’ll only be in school another two years.”

  Mary nodded, but still didn’t look relieved.

  John was glad of that, because he wasn’t relieved, either. “Abel, you might be only going to the Amish school for two more years, but you’ll want to be able to read for the rest of your life. You’ll need to do figures and such, too.”

  “Not if I just farm.”

  “I don’t understand why your teacher never told me,” Mary said, fussing with the laminated menu. “I wish I had known.”

  “She never told you because she thought I was lazy,” Abel said sharply. “And sometimes you say I’m that way, too. But I’m not.”

  Tears sprang to her eyes. “Nee, child. You are not.”

  The server came forward. “What will you like?”

  John hadn’t even looked at the menu, but he knew Katie wanted soup. “Two bowls of soup?”

  “Vegetable?”

  “Perfect.”

  Abel scooted his chair out. “Can I go sit on the porch, Mamm? I’m not hungry.”

  After a pause, Mary nodded. Her brow furrowed as he left. When they saw his shadow on one of the swings, Katie pulled on John’s sleeve. “Can I go sit with him?”

  “Do you promise not to ask him a dozen questions?”

  For once completely earnest, Katie nodded. “I won’t even ask him one. I’ll be good. I mean, as good as I can be.”

  “All right,” he said, because he was eager to speak with Mary alone. When Katie darted through the doors, and they saw her sitting next to Abel, John exhaled. “How are you?” he asked softly.

  Tears were falling now. “About like you’d imagine. Not too well.”

  “What can I do?”

  “You’ve already done more than I have, John. If it weren’t for you and Katie, I wouldn’t even know as much as I do now.” She bit her lip. “I just don’t understand myself sometimes. I thought I knew a lot more about my son than I do.”

  “I promise you, you didn’t know because he didn’t want you to know. Boys are good at keeping secrets.”

  Something new flickered
in her eyes. Awareness? “Even you?”

  “Especially me,” he said, aching to hold her hand. “Back when I was Abel’s age, I wanted to leave more than anything. But, I promise, I never told a soul.”

  “What do you think we should do?”

  He loved how she was including him in her worries. “How about I call the English school and ask about testing? I think you can get Abel tested to see if he has any learning problems.”

  “And if he won’t go?”

  John thought about that one as he watched the server approach with two piping hot bowls in hand. “I have an idea, but you may not like it.”

  “What? I’m open to anything. He needs to be able to read and write, John.”

  “What do you think about getting Jenna involved?”

  “Jenna?”

  “He seems to be able to take advice and help from her more easily. And why not? She’s a pretty girl.”

  “And?” She still looked confused.

  “And if we can get her to volunteer to go with him, to help him, it might help them both.”

  Understanding filled her gaze. “Jenna will have something constructive to do, and Abel with get help.”

  “Exactly. If that sounds like something you want to do, of course.”

  “But what about me? Shouldn’t I be doing more?”

  “It seems to me, you’ve already been doing a lot. God asked your heart to take in Jenna and you did. He also asked you to give me a chance, and you are . . .”

  A rosy pink hue filled her cheeks. “I . . . I’ll go get Katie and tell her to come in.”

  “Thank you.”

  “And then I’m going to take Abel on home.”

  “All right.”

  She touched his shoulder. “And John?”

  “Yes?”

  “God might have brought us together by chance, but I don’t think I’m going to let you out of my life easily.”

  Happiness floated through him, though he pushed down that giddiness. “I don’t intend to leave, either,” he said. “You are stuck with me.”

  She blinked, and a warm, cozy light flared in her eyes, promising all kinds of dreams for him.

  He clung to that hope like a lifeline. And held it close to himself until Katie came in, skipping and full of talk about a cat she saw on the porch.

  With a hand up, he reminded her to silently give thanks for their food, then dipped his spoon in his bowl. “Now you can tell me all about the cat, Katie.”

  “You still want to hear?”

  “Every word, child,” he said with a smile. After all, that was why he had taken her out. Every word she said was precious to him. Every single word.

  Chapter Twenty

  Mattie had come to hate her monthly checkups at the medical center. Not only did the travel mean that the majority of the day would be used up, but always in the back of her mind lurked the idea that the doctors or nurses would one day discover a problem and need to bring her in for more tests.

  No matter how many times the doctors declared she was “cancer-free,” she couldn’t shake the feeling that this freedom was a temporary thing. She’d heard of too many women who’d been “cancer-free” for years, only to discover another lump or to receive another worrisome test result.

  But even tougher to take than the worry about the future were the reminders of the past. Whenever she stepped foot in her doctor’s waiting room and smelled the same clingy scent of antiseptic, old buried feelings rose. And with them came all the pain and anxiety she’d lived with for a year. Like a flash, she’d feel clammy and ill again. It was as though even the waiting room’s carpet held hints of her past.

  Though Mattie tried hard not to make too much of a fuss about her feelings when she had appointments, they seemed to be universally known. Her mother always made sure Mattie had company, whether it was she or Lucy or Corrine or Ella who joined her.

  And, then, sometimes, poor Graham had the dubious honor of accompanying her. Like today.

  Now he was sitting next to her in the waiting room of the lab, flipping through old magazines while she waited to be called back to get blood drawn.

  He looked completely calm and unflappable—far different than the way he’d been when he’d visited her the other night. Actually, from the way he was acting, one would think they’d never argued at all.

  Or kissed.

  In fact, all their heated words about William and the suitability of him in her life seemed to have been forgotten. At least for the moment. From the time she and Charlie had picked Graham up, he’d been polite and cordial. Friendly.

  And that behavior never ceased to amaze her. Yet again, Graham was putting her needs before his.

  Graham didn’t like to be thanked for coming with her. He’d told her time and again that he liked to come with her, that he would worry about her if he didn’t. But still, she couldn’t help but thank him. “I really am grateful to you for taking time off work, Graham.”

  He looked up from the Sports Illustrated he was reading. “I told you it was no trouble. I don’t work full-time at the factory—only thirty hours. Arranging my day around this appointment was easy.”

  She had a feeling it hadn’t been that easy. “Still, I do appreciate it. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you couldn’t have come . . .”

  “But I could,” he said abruptly, cutting off the rest of her gratitude. “Besides, Mattie, you know I only come with you to the hospital so I can tease you.”

  He was good at teasing. But he was also good at making her feel at ease, too. Playing along, she said, “And what are you going to tease me about today?”

  He set the magazine down and grinned. “I haven’t decided yet. The possibilities are endless.”

  Though his words were full of fun, there was a new light in his eyes. It made her warm and not a little bit flustered. “Not so.”

  “Quite so.”

  Self-conscious, she raised a hand to her head. “Are you going to comment on my lack of hair?”

  “Not today, Mattie.”

  The slow, soft tone in his voice was new, as was that warm gaze. Actually, both felt disconcerting, especially since she couldn’t help but remember how much she’d enjoyed being in his arms. “My mamm asked about your visit the other night,” she blurted.

  In a blink, his gaze turned intent. “And what did she say?”

  “She thought it was interesting that you came so late and stayed so long.”

  He winced. “I shouldn’t have come at all. What did you tell her?” he asked again.

  “Nothing.”

  “Nothing?”

  “Not a word.” Doing her best to keep her tone light, she fussed with the fabric at the end of her sleeve as she continued. “Actually, she wasn’t very happy that I had no news to tell her.”

  Relief flew into his expression. Just like that, she knew he was thinking about their kiss.

  “Mattie, are you sorry I stopped by?”

  “Do you mean right now?”

  “I mean then.”

  Of course he meant then! That was what they both had been talking in circles about!

  But, what was he really asking? Was he really talking about showing up after nine at night? Or was he asking if she regretted their kiss?

  “Mattie, surely you have an opinion.”

  “I don’t know what my opinion is. I can’t decide,” she finished in a rush.

  “That’s convenient.”

  “I can’t help it. If you ask me questions, you must sometimes be prepared to hear some answers you don’t like.” Actually, that was the truth. She didn’t know if she regretted their kisses or not.

  Though . . . perhaps she would regret them if Graham did. She bit her lip as she studied him. Did he?

  “Mattie—”

  Two women across
from them popped their heads up. And though she ached to settle things between them, ached to tell him that she told William that she wasn’t interested in him, she certainly wasn’t eager to have witnesses. “We can’t discuss it here, Graham.”

  “If not now, when?”

  “I—” The office door opened. “Mattie?” the nurse called out. “You ready?”

  Mattie practically hopped to her feet. “I am. I’ll be back soon, Graham.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here when you come back. And then later on, we’ll talk. Okay?”

  When she nodded, he picked up the magazine again. Just like he wasn’t worried about a thing.

  She really needed to be more like him, she decided. She should learn to take every day as the gift it was and stop worrying about romance and consequences. Yes, that was it. She should stop worrying about it all and remember the promise she’d made to herself when Ella had gotten in the buggy accident: she would start trusting the Lord more.

  Yes, most certainly. That was what she needed to do. Soon.

  As soon as Mattie disappeared through the door and it closed behind her, Graham put the magazine down and sighed in relief. Every day, it was getting harder and harder to pretend that they were just buddies. That night when he’d visited, he hadn’t even tried. His emotions had been running so high, no voice of reason was going to get through. He’d had to rely on his willpower alone.

  Of course, it hadn’t been enough.

  For a few minutes there, he’d slipped. He hadn’t been able to hide the tenderness he felt toward her. Hadn’t been able to hide the feeling of how right it had felt when he’d held her in his arms.

  And then there were the kisses.

  Even going over to Mattie’s house had been a giant mistake. He’d been too emotional.

  Okay. He’d been too jealous of William. And because of that, he’d acted too impulsively. His brain knew that. Unfortunately, other parts of his mind couldn’t stop repeating what had happened between them. Over and over again.

  It didn’t help to know that even the slightest hint of encouragement would lead him into her arms again.

  Just as the nurse called out a name, and then another woman followed her, Graham picked up his magazine again—and flipped the glossy pages with a new resolution. What he needed was a plan. What he needed to do was tell Mattie how he felt. Then they could face the consequences together.