The Survivor

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  For a moment, he imagined a future with Mattie by his side. Happy. Enjoying a true partnership.

  But what if his imaginings were destined to be nothing more than just a dream? He imagined telling Mattie his true feelings—and he imagined her shock. Heaven knew, she’d told him many times how grateful she was for their friendship.

  And he imagined her fear, too—what if she got scared and ran into the arms of another man? Like William.

  Unfortunately, he didn’t know if he could risk doing that anytime soon. He was discovering he’d rather have things rocky between him and Mattie instead of being without her at all.

  But maybe it was time to speak his mind to William? Even though he’d set them up, Graham realized they wouldn’t be good together at all. And though William would probably get irritated, if he told William how he and Mattie were starting to have more of a relationship . . . surely William would back off.

  Most men would. Right? That’s what he would do, Graham decided. He would talk to William the next time they worked together and put the record straight. Tell him that Mattie actually had a sweetheart. And it was Graham.

  And though things might be a little rocky between him and William, things would settle down. After all, that’s what happened. Men and women fell in love all the time—sometimes even stepping on a few toes while they did so.

  Love. Graham gulped. Well, he finally admitted it. Now all he had to do was figure out a way to tell Mattie that he had fallen in love with her before she saw William again.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  All too soon, Jenna saw him again. Ducking her head, she exited the market as quickly as she was able and walked down the sidewalk. It was bitterly cold and the morning’s first scattered flakes had transformed into a full-fledged snowfall. Small, delicate flakes were now falling slowly, so slowly that each looked to be suspended in the air for a brief moment in time before giving way to gravity and landing on a surface.

  Several had landed on the black leather of her shoes, glistening on the tops like decorations before quickly melting into nothing.

  She increased her pace, desperate to put even more distance between herself and the market. And the man inside. As she imagined what a meeting between them would be like, anxiety sank into her bones. Until she got off the sidewalk and into the protection of Mary’s home, she wasn’t safe.

  Then she heard footsteps behind her.

  The smart thing to do would be to turn around and see who it was. Jenna didn’t.

  Tucking her chin closer to her chest, she quickened her steps. The snow didn’t abate, falling now on her eyelids. Stinging them.

  The person came closer. Footsteps pounded the sidewalk behind her, becoming louder with each step. Gripping her cloak, she pulled it tighter around her body. Hoping it would warm her. Hoping it would shield her from the worst.

  “Jenna?”

  It was him.

  Almost running, she increased her pace, weaving past an English couple walking their cocker spaniel. “Watch out!” the man said.

  “Sorry!” she blurted, not even sure if she’d spoken in English or Dutch. All she cared about was getting to the next block. Getting away from him. Her breath grew ragged. She crossed the street, hardly looking on either side.

  Soon he would have to give up, right?

  “Jenna? Jenna, wait!” he called out. With a gasp, he added, “Please?”

  Though the temptation was great to ignore him, she slowed.

  He was just loud enough to capture the attention of two elderly ladies on the other side of the street. Just loud enough to create more of a disturbance if she didn’t do as he bid.

  She had no other choice.

  With a sense of inevitability, she finally stopped.

  “Thank you,” he said, his voice breathless and more than a little husky, though whether it was from his run or their meeting, she didn’t know. “For a moment, I didn’t think you were going to stop.”

  She definitely hadn’t wanted to. Too afraid of her emotions to say much of anything, she stood and stared at him in silence. Watched him approach as the snow continued to fall, decorating her cape and his thick brown jacket.

  “I was starting to wonder if I was going to have to chase after you through the whole town.”

  Her mouth went dry as she noticed the look of intent in his eyes. As he came closer, his footsteps slowed. At the same time, the look of purpose was replaced by wariness. “Hi,” he finally said.

  “Hi,” she answered—almost automatically—as she looked into the eyes of Chris Henderson, the son of the pastor of the local Christian church. “Hello, Chris.”

  Concern etched his features as he looked her over. “Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you for weeks.” He paused. “I was about to come to your house and ask if I could see you.”

  Even thinking about that visit made her stomach turn. Her parents had no idea she even knew Chris. If he had mentioned that they’d been dating, it would have made things even worse than they were. “I’m so glad you didn’t do that. My parents would’ve been so mad. And they wouldn’t have told you anything anyway.”

  He shrugged. “I don’t think I would’ve cared what they thought. And I would have stayed there until they let me see you.”

  “It wouldn’t have done any good. I’m not living there.”

  “What? Where are you living?” Before she could think of a reply, he said, “Where have you been? It’s like you suddenly disappeared. I used to see you every other day at the market.”

  That was because she’d go there just to see him, Jenna realized with regret. Did he really not realize that? For a time, going to see him had been the highlight of her days.

  Now, though, her goals were the complete opposite. No matter what, she wanted to avoid him. Wanted to avoid anything that had to do with him.

  As a mother pushing a stroller approached, Chris put his hand on her shoulder and guided her to the side. “Watch out,” he murmured as they neared a dense thicket of prickly pines that offered them a little bit of privacy, and a little bit of a respite from the snowflakes that were falling.

  When they were standing alone, he brushed two fingers down her cheek. Wiping away the snowflakes that had settled there.

  Or perhaps it was a tear?

  “Talk to me, Jenna,” he said, his voice deeper. “Don’t block me out.”

  “I haven’t been blocking you out. Just avoiding you.”

  His expression eased. “I’ve missed you. I’ve missed your humor. And I really do want to know what happened.”

  At one time, his words would have caused a rush of pleasure. Now she just worried that everyone would see the two of them together and ask questions. “I’ve been busy,” she said.

  “Really busy, huh?” His tone was flat, revealing his skepticism. He sighed, his eyes scanning her face.

  Jenna stood still, aware that she had no real reply to give him. Everything was such a mess. Plus, she had so much to tell him, she hardly knew where to begin.

  “Listen, want to come over tonight? My parents have been dying to meet you. We could have pizza . . .”

  She knew what he was suggesting, and it had nothing to do with food. One thing would lead to another. Where Chris was concerned, she seemed to have little to no control. “I don’t think so.”

  “We need to talk.”

  “Chris, we can’t see each other anymore.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because of everything . . .”

  “You mean because we slept together?”

  Her cheeks burned at his boldness. “Chris, you know what we did wasn’t right. We shouldn’t have done anything in the first place.” Actually, she shouldn’t have ever even spoken to him.

  “Hey.” He reached out and touched her shoulder. “Why do you say that? It’s not like we aren’t o
f age. I’m twenty-two, you’re twenty-one.”

  “I know . . .”

  “I told you that I loved you. I wouldn’t have told you that if I didn’t mean it.”

  He had, but did that even matter? Jenna was coming to learn that those words didn’t really mean that much. Her parents used to tell her that they loved her all the time. Then they kicked her out as soon as she disappointed them.

  And Chris’s words of love had been sweet, but they’d obviously only been a way to push her into sleeping with him.

  Jenna pulled away from his hand. “Nothing is that easy,” she said at last. “Especially not love.”

  Something new flashed in his hazel eyes. “Why are you making everything so hard? You said there wasn’t anyone else. I told you there wasn’t anyone else but you. For me, there still isn’t.” He paused. “I still can’t believe that you’ve been avoiding me ever since.”

  And for a moment, she wanted to believe him. To think that his earnestness was genuine. Wanted to believe that things were that simple. That professions of love could take the place of consequences. But they couldn’t. Of course they couldn’t. Especially now that there was something else to deal with.

  “Chris, there’s more going on than just regrets.”

  “Then tell me, Jenna. What is so wrong? Why did you move out? Why are your parents so upset? Why won’t you come over?” His voice became harder, more intense. “Why don’t you want to see me anymore? Is it because I’m not Amish?”

  “It’s not because of that.” From the first time they’d met, she’d never cared about their backgrounds. Not really. He was just Chris; and she, simply Jenna.

  “Then what is it?”

  She bit her lip, debating whether to tell him the truth. But perhaps that had been her problem all this time. She worried too much about lies instead of trying to do the right thing.

  Looking left, then right, she gave into temptation. “Chris, I’m pregnant.”

  If things weren’t so bad, his expression would have been comical. His eyes were wide and his usual half-smile went slack. “From me?”

  “Of course.” When he still looked stunned, she glared at him. “Chris, you know you were my first. You were also the only.”

  “But . . . it was just that one time . . . then I never saw you again.”

  “Once was enough.” When he stared at her in confusion, she added, “Look, I’m not blaming you. I’m blaming myself. I should have never let my guard down. I shouldn’t have done a lot of things . . .”

  Which was part of the problem, Jenna knew. She and Chris had had a flirtation between them that should have never been there in the first place.

  But she’d been frustrated with Graham’s on-again off-again attentions and couldn’t help be infatuated with Chris’s flirting ways. She’d grown tired of being perfect Jenna Yoder, the role model for her siblings.

  She’d liked how Chris had liked her.

  Over the span of a few weeks, they’d talked more and more, then had kissed one evening behind the market. And then, well, one thing had led to another.

  And now she was dealing with the consequences.

  “What are you going to do?”

  “What do you think I’m going to do? I’m going to have a baby.”

  “But then what?”

  “Get a job. Maybe give it up for adoption,” she said, though she doubted she’d be able to give up the baby. “I haven’t decided yet.”

  “You haven’t decided yet? Didn’t you think you should have told me earlier? We have to think about the consequences.”

  Feeling at her wits’ end, she replied with a forced patience. “That’s all I’ve been doing. Chris, I know you just found out, but I’ve been dealing with this for a while.”

  “How have you been dealing with it?”

  “I told my parents.”

  He looked crushed. “And?”

  “And, what do you think? They told me to move out.”

  Pure pain flickered in his eyes. “Truly? Jenna, you should never have kept this from me.” He swallowed. “Do they want to meet me?”

  “They don’t even know about you, Chris. They would be even more upset to know that I’ve been with an Englischer.”

  “So I’m your secret?” His voice was so hoarse, and Jenna could tell what he was thinking. Was he relieved? Or just shocked?

  His confusion made her want to lash out. “Why do you care, Chris? What are you going to do? Marry me?” she blurted sarcastically.

  His cheeks flushed. “I don’t know,” he said after a pause. “Maybe.”

  “Come on. I know you don’t mean it.” Unbidden, she recalled yet another memory . . .

  She’d run into the market, her emotions high and her face flushed. So eager to see him. Though they hadn’t had plans to see each other, she’d wanted to surprise him. And maybe get a hug and a kiss. After all, he’d said such sweet things the night before.

  She’d found him stocking loaves of bread.

  And smiling at two English girls.

  At first, she’d lurked at the end of the aisle, waiting to approach him until he finished his conversation . . . but then it became all too obvious that the girls weren’t going to leave anytime soon.

  And that he was perfectly fine with that. Feeling embarrassed, she’d turned and left.

  And had never mentioned it to him.

  “Don’t tell me what I mean and don’t mean. And for that matter, stop telling me that I don’t know what feelings are, or that I don’t know what I want. You don’t know everything about me, Jenna.” He paused. “Maybe not anything.”

  For the first time in four months, she looked at him hard and realized that maybe he was right. Maybe she didn’t really know him at all. “But it’s too late, don’t you think?”

  “No. If anything, it’s probably the best time. The perfect time.”

  She stared at him in wonder. “What?”

  “You heard me.” His eyes narrowed. “Look, it’s cold. You shouldn’t be out here. Where are you living? And don’t play games with me, Jenna. I want to know, and I deserve to know.”

  “With an Amish lady. Mary Zehr.”

  “Where does she live?”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m going to come see you this week and we’re going to talk, that’s why. Where does she live, Jenna?”

  Too stunned to evade again, she mumbled, “Off of Broadway.” Before she could chicken out, she told him Mary’s address.

  “If I call on you there, will you talk to me?”

  He deserved that at the very least. “Yes.”

  “Okay. I have to go back to work, but I’ll stop by to see you this week. All right?”

  “Yes. Are you going to tell your parents? Aren’t you worried about what they might to say?”

  “Not so much.”

  She was stunned. “Why not?”

  “Jenna, I promise, I wasn’t thinking about them when this happened. I stopped living my life for their approval years ago.” While she processed that, he murmured, “So, you promise that you’ll open the door for me?”

  His lack of belief in her made Jenna feel even lower. “I promise.”

  “Good.”

  Before she knew it, she found herself smiling at him. Just like she used to when he’d rush around the counter to see her.

  “Good.” Surprising her, he put his arm around her shoulders and guided her back to the sidewalk. “Are you walking the rest of the way?”

  “Of course.”

  Reaching out, he flicked a snowflake from the brim of her bonnet. “It’s snowing pretty good right now,” he stated, his voice all warm and cozy. “Will you be all right?”

  Her mouth went dry. “Yes. I’ll be fine, Chris.”

  “Sure? Because I don’t want you to get sick.
”

  “I’m not a child, Chris. I am fine.”

  Looking less confident, he nodded. “Okay.”

  Surprising her again, he reached out and brushed a finger against her cheek. His lips curved. “Jenna, you should have never avoided me. I promise you, I’m the last person in your life who you need to steer clear of. ” Then, before she could respond, Chris turned and walked away.

  Now that the snow was beginning to fall in earnest, Jenna picked up her pace and walked faster. Funny how her quick pace seemed to be in time with her rapidly beating heart.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  It turned out that Graham didn’t have to wait all that long to see William after all. On Tuesday morning, Scott had asked Graham, William, and Frank to accompany him on an installation. When the two other men had to make an emergency run to the hardware store, Graham knew the time was right to bring up Mattie.

  Truth be told, he felt mighty uncomfortable about it. After all, he’d been the one to talk to William about Mattie. Furthermore, he’d kept his mouth shut when he’d discovered William had called on her.

  But after a moment’s pause, Graham shrugged off his misgivings. He’d made his decision and he needed to stick to it.

  Steeling his resolve, he joined William at the back of the truck. Picking up a pair of two-by-fours, he plunged in. “Listen, after you told me about you visiting Mattie so much, I’ve been thinking about it a lot.”

  William looked at him from the corner of his eye as he scooted a gas-powered generator forward. “Why?”

  Why? “I’ve been thinking about the two of you, and I wanted to talk to you about her.”

  “Because?”

  “Because she and I are friends,” Graham said as he made another trip from the truck to their workspace.

  William raised his brows. “I know that.”

  Graham’s mild irritation with William’s manner churned into a simmering anger. “So, I just want to tell you that lately things have changed between us. Between Mattie and me, I mean.”