Within Miles

by K. J. Carrigan

  I wanted to tell him to forget about the fucking train, but I didn’t, instead, I held his face in my hands and kissed the tip of his nose. I braced myself for what I was about to say. It was now or never.

  “Miles Taylor, I love you.” I whispered. I slowly brought my eyes up to look into his and what I saw there was heartbreaking, sadness, surprise, understanding, agony.

  “I think I love you too cattle rancher.” I wanted to break down right there in his arms. Tears rolled down my face from my happiness, from my sadness. My emotions were battling with my sanity.

  Just as I opened my mouth to tell Miles that I wanted to stay with him for good, he looked down at me and said, “We need to get going Thea. We will work everything out. I promise.” I knew that he was right. I didn't want him to be but he was. I had things to take care of back home. I had Lancey, Anna, my crew, my ranch. Even I knew deep down that we both had a lot at stake here. It would be selfish of me to give up everything I had to be with Miles. My sanity had won the battle, but at what cost?

  We sat in strained silence all the way to the train station. We both had a lot to say but didn't know where to start. My heart was in pieces, my brain was a mess. My body ached for his touch already. God, it was going to take a lot of Anna time to survive this because she was going to be the one that kept me busy, kept me from breaking, yet again.

  We pulled into the train station and Miles cut the engine. I could see Anna, Erin, Cassie and Angie huddled up with their baggage at their feet waiting for me near our train. I had ten minutes before departure and I didn't know if I could walk.

  “I don't know if I can do this.” I said, panicked. Finally, I had met someone that I could love with my whole heart. Someone who accepted my tragic past for what it was. Someone who made me happy enough, that I didn't need to rely on those god awful pills to keep me going.

  Miles snapped me out of my emotional rant. “I programed my number into your cell. Call me when you board. I will wait here until the train leaves.” He grabbed my hand. His large fingers intertwined with mine, giving me encouragement. “You can do this Thea, think of everything you have back home. Think of Lancey and Midnight, they are relying on you to be there, at home.” I could feel my heart tearing in half. One half I will leave with Miles, and the other I would take back home with me. Miles was telling me to be strong, to go home to the people who cared for me, not because he wanted me to leave but because he was giving, level headed and smart. He knew I didn't belong here in Las Vegas. I belonged in the wide open space of beautiful Montana and I wouldn't fully be happy until I was there, even without him.

  I unbuckled my seat belt and crawled into his lap. I knew I only had a few minutes left with him and I wanted to tell him one more time how much I loved him.

  I softly kissed his smooth lips and whispered. “I love you.”

  He kissed me back and said, “I love you too. I'll talk to you in a few minutes.” Sadness flooded his voice. This was one of the hardest things I had to do.

  I crawled out of his lap and opened my door. I paused before I stepped out. “Bye Miles Taylor, twenty six year old Las Vegas native, dog owner, wifeless and childless. I will see you around.” Miles laughed at my repeat of our first introduction five days ago.

  “It was nice meeting you Thea Farris, twenty one year old, cattle ranch farmer from Montana. The most beautiful and the strongest woman I have ever met.”

  Tears rolled down my face as I gave him a small smile. I mustered up all the courage and strength I had to step out of the car, shut the door and walk to Anna, and I needed every ounce of it.

  When my zombie like body made it to Anna and the others, I turned and waved at Miles. He was leaning against the hood of his car, legs and arms crossed, watching my every move. He waved back to me and blew a kiss. I caught his kiss in the air and closed my eyes as I placed it on my lips.

  “Fuck me sideways. That man is hot.” Angie said as she picked up her bags.

  “Shut up Angie” Erin and Cassie said together.

  I couldn't take my eyes off Miles. It was if he could feel my reluctance to leave. He mouthed 'I love you' as I heard the announcement for our final boarding call. I mouthed 'I love you too' and picked up my bag off the concrete.

  “Are you OK?” Anna asked as she put her arm around my shoulder.

  I took one last look at the man I loved and said, “No, I'm not.” and boarded the train.

  I wasn't quite sure how many hours had passed since we had left Sin City; all I knew was that I felt as though I had myself there with Miles.

  I had texted him and told him that I missed him and loved him, getting the same response back from him. At that moment, I knew that I would never see him again. Sure, we would text and talk on the phone but it would never be the same between us. He had his life and I had mine, plain and simple.

  I stared out the window of the fast moving train and sighed. My heart wanted to weep but my body was too emotionally worn down to cry.

  I would go back to Montana. Be around people who loved and cared for me, knowing that the girl that took this exact same train track five days ago was coming back home a completely different person.

  Home

  July 2010

  It had been five weeks since I had left Miles in Las Vegas and my fears about our relationship were becoming reality.

  The first two weeks had been great, well as great as I could expect. We had phoned and texted several times a day, we even mastered the art of phone sex but something about us had changed drastically last weekend.

  When Miles had called me last Saturday afternoon, he seemed almost cold and unattached. I had asked him what was wrong but he never gave me a straight answer. “Just tired” and my personal favorite, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Were his only reasons for being closed off, I was waiting for the shoe to drop and today it did.

  I stared down at my phone. Miles had texted me while I was out riding. I read the message again, making sure I didn’t miss anything.

  Thea, I’m sorry to have to tell you this but I have met someone. You and I had a great time together but I think it’s time for it to end. We always knew it would. I hope you have a good life. - Miles

  I wanted to be angry and heartbroken but all I could feel was numb. He had said he loved me. Was that real? Was our relationship real? Of course it wasn’t. We barely knew each other. Knowing someone for five fucking days and declaring your love to them, was completely insane. I was insane for even thinking that we could work out. Yes, I was in love with him but what the hell did I know about love? The only other man I have ever loved packed his bags and left me to die in a hospital bed. Christ, I knew how to pick em.

  “I’m an idiot.” I murmured as I put my phone in my back pocket. I didn’t respond to Miles and I wasn’t going to. He had said everything there was to say. He was a stripper for Christ sake. He had his pick of woman. Why would he want someone who lived thousands of miles away?

  I smoothed Midnight’s mane and kissed it softly. I would not cry. I wasn’t kidding about something changing in me when I was in Vegas. I felt stronger, less damaged. I knew Miles was the reason for my change. He gave me a peace that I never had before. He made my heart love again, something that I never thought possible and for that I was grateful, for that I knew I could move on.

  I pulled Midnight by her reins and guided her into the stables. When she was secure, I made my way to the house.

  “Hey darlin” Lancey greeted me halfway up the lawn.

  “How’s your day going Lancey?” I stopped to give him a hug.

  “Busy. Hey, I’m interviewing someone to help in the stables since Ray is off for surgery. Do you want to get in on this?”

  Usually I left the hiring and firing up to Lancey but today, I was feeling like I wanted to contribute more to my ranch, so I agreed.

  “Cole Green will be here in an hour or so, if you want to go over his application, it’s on your desk.”

  I nodded and left Lancey to hi
s work. I sat at my Father’s old desk. It was old and beautiful. It had been my great grandfathers at one time and my father had been attached to it, so naturally, I kept it.

  I found Mr. Green’s application sitting on top of my never ending paperwork and gave it a quick scan.

  He had been a horse jockey in Cambridge, New Zealand. Thirty years old, degree in veterinary medicine. Hum? I was intrigued but why would this man want to work on my ranch when he was capable of doing so much better? I put down his paperwork and looked out the large window.

  Lancey wasn’t getting any younger and my crew was mostly middle aged men who had families, responsibilities outside of Farris Ranch and only worked part time. Maybe this Green guy could help by working full time. Maybe he would be interested in staying on the property. That would give me more opportunities to get all this fucking paperwork done and not have to help out as much. I didn’t mind the work and the guys were great but I had my lawyers and accountants breathing down my neck on a daily basis.

  I got up and headed to the shower. As I passed my dresser, I noticed Alex’s invitation sitting next to my jewelry box.

  I picked it up and looked at it. The party was tomorrow night and I still hadn’t decided if I was going to go or not.

  A month ago I was reluctant to even consider going in fear of seeing him with someone else but now, I didn’t really care about that. From all I have experienced in my twenty one years on this earth was that you needed to live while you could and not burden yourself with the past and that’s exactly what Alex was, my past.

  I walked to my closet and pulled out my black cocktail dress. I hung it on the door and decided I was going to go. It was about time I started my fucking life again and tomorrow night, I was finally going to say goodbye to Alex, for good.

  After I showered and changed into a blue sundress, I made my way down to the kitchen to make fresh lemonade. By the time I had finished, I saw Lancey walking up to a truck that had pulled into the front pasture.

  I walked the pitcher of lemonade and glasses out to the front porch and sat them down on the table.

  My eyes almost popped out of my head when I saw the man Lancey was shaking hands with. Oh my god! I had a Paul Walker look alike on my property. Anna was going to die when I tell her.

  Lancey and Mr. Hotness walked up to me smiling. “Thea Farris, This is Mr. Cole Green.” Cole offered me his hand and I shook it. Cole was blonde; blue eyed and had a swimmers body, which I could tell was very well defined. He wore a pair of faded, loose fitting blue jeans and a grey V-neck tee shirt.

  “It is very nice meeting you Miss Farris. You have a lovely ranch here.” Cole said in the sexiest New Zealand accent.

  I started to compare him to Miles right away. Where Miles’ hands were smooth and soft, Cole’s were rough and callused from years of hard work. I could tell he was older because Cole had a mature looking face, not old but not young like Miles.

  “It’s nice to meet you too Mr. Green. Please call me Thea and thank you. Please have a seat.” I gestured for him to sit and poured him a glass of lemonade.

  “Thank you Thea.” Cole said my name like They-a, which made me smile. He took a long drink. “Damn that’s good.” I looked up at him and widened my smile. “Oh sorry” He covered his mouth.

  “Don’t be Mr. Green. We all have foul mouths around here. With one like yours, you’re bound to get along with the guys famously.”

  Lancey laughed and nudged Cole on the shoulder. “If I had a curse jar, Thea would be out a worker cause I’d be rich. She has the dirtiest mouth out of everyone.”

  I laughed and cleared my throat. I looked at Cole. He had never taken his eyes off me. “So tell me Mr. Green, why do you want to work at Farris Ranch?”

  Greener Pastures

  I had hired Cole on the spot after his interview. Not only was he good looking but he had some serious experience and the best part, he was willing to work full time and live in the small cottage near the pond.

  Cole was to start first thing this morning, which by the sounds coming from outside, he was already here.

  I looked out of the window in my bedroom and gasped. Cole had his shirt off; his tanned, damp skin was glistening in the sun from his morning chores.

  My sexual appetite was in full force since my tip to Sin City, thanks to Miles. It was so strong at this moment that I wanted to crawl out of my window and attack the very attractive Cole Green where he stood. But I didn’t.

  I showered, dressed and went to get a cup of coffee. I had a lot of work to do before I started getting ready for Alex’s engagement party tonight, which Anna was accompanying me as my date.

  I sat at my desk and began my time consuming task. I don’t know how many hours had past when I heard a knock at the office door.

  “Come in” I called as I glanced at the clock on the wall. It was already four o’clock.

  Lancey walked through the door with Cole in tow. Cole regretfully had put a shirt on to hide his chiseled chest. I tore my gaze from his shirt covered chest to look at Lancey and smile.

  “What’s up Lancey?” I asked as I closed my laptop.

  Lancey slapped Cole on the back. “Mr. Green did very well today. He discovered that one of the mares was pregnant today. Sunshine, the mare we’ve been trying to breed for months now.”

  I smiled wide. Sunshine was my mother’s horse. She was the color of wheat and she was beautiful. I wanted to start breeding her because that’s what my mother had always wanted.

  I got up from my desk with a wide smile. “That’s fantastic news. Good work Cole. I think I’ll give everyone the night off.” I decided this because of their hard work and because I had a feeling I might want to be alone tonight after the party.

  Lancey smiled at me and Cole gave me a confused look. “I know you are new to Montana. There are plenty of good places in Billings to hang out. Why don’t you go explore the city and I’ll see you back here Monday morning.”

  Lancey gave him another pat on the back. “I would take her up on her offer. She’s a slave driver that one. It’s not too often when we get a whole weekend off.” I laughed and shooed them out of my office.

  I watched as Cole walked away from me. His jeans deliciously hung from his hips. “Damn” I murmured to myself after they were out of sight.

  I was dressed and ready at six. The party started at seven but I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to collect myself before I headed out. I decided to meet Anna at the restaurant instead of riding with her. She didn’t like the idea but she agreed that I needed a little down time before coming face to face with Alex for the first time in over three years.

  I put on my strapless, black cocktail dress and paired it with my four inch high Jimmy Choo's. I wore my hair wavy and down. My make-up was light, except for my eyes. I wanted them to stand out tonight. I wanted Alex to see how he didn’t affect me anymore, or maybe make him remember what he had left, I wasn’t sure.

  I walked out to the porch and took a deep breath. The air out in the country was crisp, clean and refreshing. I could smell the soil in the air, mixed with fresh hay and foliage.

  “You cheat!” I hear coming from the stables. I cock my head to the side in surprise. Laughter joins in the banter as I make my way down the little hill towards the stables.

  I peak my head in the door. Lancey, Red, Daren, Tom and Cole are sitting around a table with cards in their hands, laughing and drinking what appears to be scotch.

  “I call” Lancey says as he throws a dollar to the center of the table. Ah, poker night. I give them the night off and they stay and play poker? I laugh to myself. Typical man behavior, I suppose.

  “Is there room for one more before I have to go?” I ask, scaring them all. I laugh aloud at their reaction. I step into the barn, giving them a full view of my attire.

  “Hot damn, boss lady!” Red says and whistles at me.

  I smile and walk towards them. “Hot date tonight Thea?” Tom asks as he looks down at his hand of card
s.

  I shrug and sit between Cole and Lancey. “Not really. I’m going to a party.” I answer as Lancey pats my hand in understanding. He knows that tonight will be hard for me and he will be here for me if I need him.

  “I’ve got a shit hand, let’s quit this game and deal Thea in.” Daren says, throwing his cards down.

  “You want some scotch, Thea?” Cole asks me in his sexy accent.

  Cole wore a white tee shirt and from what I could tell, faded jeans. I took a quick peek at his crotch. The fabric of his jeans was tight around the area I was interested in and Jesus Christ! It looked like he had a damn sock stuffed in there. I tear my eyes away. Oh god, I hope he just didn’t catch me checking out his package.

  I tried to hide my blush and answered him, “Yes please and don’t go easy.”

  He smiles, nods and fills a plastic up half full with liquid courage. I shake my head and take a gulp.

  I reach into my clutch and pull out all the one dollar bills I had.

  “Ante up gentlemen and Thea.” Daren says after he deals out the cards. I take a long drink of aged scotch and look at my hand. Not bad, an ace, two sixes, an eight and a jack.

  The game starts and by the turn, I feel confident that I have the game in my pocket. I will have a full house if the river is a six or ace.

  I hold my breath as Cole turns the river. Ha, it’s a six of hearts. Lancey raises, Daren folds, Red, Cole and I call.

  “Read em and weep.” Cole says as he reveals his cards. Full house twos high. Lancey and red sigh and I smile to myself.

  When they all look to me to show my hand, I frown to try to fool them.

  Lancey pats me on the back. “Maybe next time Darlin.” I smile up at him while gently placing my hand on the table.

  “Full house, sixes high.” I say in triumph.

  Red laughs loudly. “Well you cut throat little hussy.” He barks. I laugh with them and down the rest of my scotch.

  “As much as I hate kicking your asses and leaving,” I fanned myself dramatically “I really have to be going.” My parting statement earned me boos from my crew. I smiled and waved as I made my way to the door.