Forever Black

by Sandi Lynn

  That was the longest 5 hours of my life. Nurse Bailey removed the chemo drip from my port and gave me a hug goodbye. Connor grabbed my blanket, and I tore it out of his hands, “I got it.” He heavily sighed and followed behind me as I exited the hospital. Connor opened the Limo door for me as I slid in the seat.

  Denny turned and looked at me, “Hello Miss Lane.” He was the only one of the day that got a smile from me.

  “Hi Denny.”

  Connor climbed in next to me, “How are you feeling?”

  I looked out the window, “I’m fine right now; it takes a few hours or even a few days for the chemo to hit you.” The ride to my apartment was silent.

  Connor got out of the Limo and followed me inside, “I want you to start packing.”

  I turned and looked at him, “For what?”

  He took in a sharp breath, “You will be staying in the guest room at my penthouse.” I felt the blood drain from my face, and my heart started to beat faster.

  “I’m not going anywhere; this is my home. This is where I’m staying.” But the idea of sleeping in the enormous comfy bed was appealing.

  “Listen to me,” his voice was raised, “I don’t want you staying here alone.”

  I walked over to him and put my finger to his chest, “I’m not your fucking charity case Connor Black, and I don’t need your help, besides you hate me anyway, why would you want to help me after what I did?” I slowly turned around and walked to the sink for a glass of water. I stood there with my hands on the edge.

  He slowly walked up behind me, “Ellery, I don’t hate you, please don’t ever say that again. Yes, I will admit I’m still angry, and I will be for a very long time, but I need to put all that aside because you are my friend and you need help. Please put your stubbornness aside and let me help you.”

  His voice was soft and his words sincere. I wanted to throw my arms around him and cry into his shoulder, but I couldn’t, he admitted he was still angry and that he was only my friend.

  “You said you hired a nurse to come here and check on me.”

  He sighed again, “Well, I changed my mind and I’m making other arrangements.”

  “Fine, let me get my things.” I gave in because I didn’t have the strength to fight him, and I was scared of being alone.

  He turned around and looked over at the wall that was missing a chunk of drywall, “What happened over there?”

  I came from the bedroom as he walked over and grabbed my bags, “I threw a vase at Kyle.”

  He let out a laugh, “Are you serious?”

  “Yeah, he wouldn’t leave so I threw a vase at him; needless to say he left after that.” Connor shook his head and continued to laugh.

  Chapter 27

  I threw myself on the bed I’ve grown to love. Connor set my bags down in the corner.

  “I’m going out tonight; if you need anything help yourself.”

  I looked at him and gave half a smile, “Thanks.”

  He walked out and shut the door. Did he just make it a point to tell me he was going out? I could feel the burning and the rage rev up in my body; jealousy was setting in. This was not a good idea, but if it got too unbearable staying with him, I would pack up and leave.

  I didn’t have much of an appetite, and I was tired so I decided to turn in early. I was woken up by the sudden feeling of nausea that overtook my body. I looked at the clock. It was 2 am. I flew out of bed and to the bathroom that was directly across the hall. Thank god I made it as I started to vomit uncontrollably. Here we go I knew it wouldn’t take long; it didn’t the last time. As I was leaned over with my head in the toilet, I heard the door slowly open.

  “Ellery,” I heard Connor say as he grabbed my hair and held it back.

  I didn’t want him to see my like this. Moving here was not a good thing to do, and now I regretted it.

  “Get out of here Connor, please just go.”

  He knelt down beside me as he held my hair, “I’m not going anywhere until you are back in bed.”

  I threw up a few more times, mostly dry heaving as he walked to the sink and wet a cloth with tepid water. He folded it up and put it on my head. I quickly grabbed it out of his hand. I managed to get up and take small steps towards the door. I was so weak that I wanted to collapse right on the marble floor. Connor lightly took a hold of my arm and helped me into bed. He pulled the covers over me and as he went to walk away, I grabbed his hand. He turned around and looked at me.

  “This is nothing; you have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into Mr. Black.”

  He stared at me without saying a word then walked out the door, leaving it open a crack. I was too exhausted to think of anything. I just wanted to sleep peacefully.

  I opened one eye at the sunlight peeking through the curtains that hung on the windows. I stretched and rolled over on my side, taking in the view of the city that stood outside my window. So much for the anti-nausea meds Nurse Bailey fed me. I heard the door slightly open.

  “Ellery, are you awake?” I heard his voice whisper.

  I rolled over and looked at him standing there in his dark jeans and a black cotton button down shirt that he left untucked. His hair was messy and damp, but in that sexy way that made me ache for him.

  “How are you feeling?” He asked from the doorway.

  I sat up on the edge of the bed, “I’m feeling ok at the moment. I think I’ll take a shower.”

  His eyes stared into me as if he wanted to reach out and touch me.

  “When you’re done, come downstairs and Claire will make you some breakfast.”

  I got out of bed and opened my bag to dig out my clothes for the day. “Who’s Claire?” I asked.

  “She’s my housekeeper.”

  “Oh, I didn’t know you had a housekeeper, you never mentioned her.”

  He ran his hand through his hair, “The opportunity never came up I guess.”

  I walked past without even looking at him. I walked in the bathroom as he followed me and stood in the doorway.

  “I’m going to the office to do some work, I’ll be home later.”

  I kept my back to him as I turned on the shower, “Ok, see ya later.”

  My words were flat with no emotion. I climbed in the shower and sat on the floor. I curled myself into a ball and cried.

  After my shower, I walked down to the kitchen. “You must be our new houseguest Ellery right?” She asked as she walked over and hugged me.

  I greeted her warmly, “Yes, and you must be Claire.”

  “I sure am honey, now sit down and tell me what you would like me to make you.”

  Claire was a breath of fresh air in this house. She was an older woman with brown hair that sat just above her shoulders. Her smile was as warm as her deep brown eyes that lit up when she saw me. Maybe she was happy to have another female in the house. I sat at the island as she put in front of me a cup of peppermint tea.

  “Drink up; it will soothe your stomach.” I took a small sip and set the cup down.

  “Mr. Black told me you were sick last night, so how about you start with some toast and scrambled eggs?”

  I shook my head. I was curious as to how much she knew about me and our situation, so I asked an obvious question.

  “What else did Mr. Black tell you?”

  She smiled as she put the bread in the toaster, “He only tells me what I need to know. Mr. Black is a very private person. He says you’re a friend and he wanted to help you. He’s a very generous man.”

  I rolled my eyes. If the chemo doesn’t kill me, then staying here with the man whose life I pretty much ruined will.

  “Ah I see you two met,” Connor said as he lightly stepped into the kitchen.

  “I thought you left,” I said with a - I don’t like you very much right now - attitude.

  “I had to finish up some computer work here first, don’t worry I’ll be leaving soon.”

  Claire eyed me and then looked at Connor as he sat over at the table.

&n
bsp; “Here honey, try to eat something, you’ll feel better if you do.”

  I saw Connor look over at me out of the corner of my eye. I picked up the fork and started to eat some eggs. The food was starting to help a bit, or maybe it was the tea, who knows.

  Connor finished his coffee and walked over to me, “I’m leaving now so if you need anything Claire will be here all day.” I didn’t look at him as I waved my hand.

  “I can tell this is going to be more difficult than I thought,” he mumbled as he left the kitchen.

  I didn’t know if he meant for me to hear it or not, but I did and it pissed me off.

  Claire studied me for a moment, “Calm down honey it’s not worth getting upset over.”

  I decided that if I was going to stay here, Claire had a right to know what happened between me and Connor. I told her everything.

  She sat down next me holding her coffee cup, “I figured something was going on between the two of you. You must have been the reason why Mr. Black was always in a good mood and smiling all the time not that long ago.”

  She saw the look on my face and took my hand; she pushed back my sleeve and looked at my wrist and then took my other hand and did the same, “Does he know about this?”

  I shook my head, “No, but he will soon enough, it’s not something I can keep hidden for long.” Claire smiled and patted my hand.

  I grabbed my coat and stepped outside. The air was a little warmer than it had been. The sun was shining bright, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky; it was a perfect October day. I needed to get lost in myself so I decided to take a walk to Central Park. I needed to be alone, and what better place than to think about how much my life sucked at the moment is in the park. I made my way to the Conservatory Garden and found a spot in the middle of the grass. I laid the blanket on the soft grass and sat down with my knees to my chest. My phone started to ring; it was Connor. Someone must have tipped him off that I escaped. I hit ignore. I figured he would go to my apartment first, then probably the art gallery or soup kitchen. He’ll eventually figure out where I am so I wasn’t worried, and I honestly didn’t care. I inhaled through my nose, taking in the mild October air. I studied the flowers that were around me for soon they would be gone.

  I laid down on my back and stared up at the sky. I had a little talk with god and asked him to give me the strength to endure this process all over again. Connor kept calling me, so I turned my phone off. I asked god for a sign to let me know he would help me through this as I felt a tiny drop of rain fall on my cheek. That was good enough for me until a few clouds rolled in and it started to pour; so much for my perfect October day. I laid there staring up at the sky that was falling down upon me. I wanted so badly for the rain to wash away my illness and my fears. I continued to lay there in my delusional state until I heard a familiar voice call my name.

  “Ellery, what the fuck do you think you’re doing, are you crazy?” I looked at him as he was walking towards me holding an umbrella.

  “Are you, for coming out here after me?”

  I saw his jaw tighten as he approached me, “Look at you, you’re soaked; get up now before you get sick.”

  I laughed, “I’m already sick, what’s the difference?”

  He stared down at me with a strange look on his face and did something I never thought Connor Black would do. He laid down beside me and looked up at the sky. I looked over at him as he struggled to keep his eyes open as the rain pelted him in the face; a small smile crossed my lips.

  “Why are you doing this?” he asked as he turned and looked at me.

  “Cause I can lay here and no one will know I’m crying.”

  He looked at me for a moment and then back up at the falling rain. We laid there and didn’t speak a word. Connor put his hand on top of mine, and that was all the words we needed. Both of us were soaked, and I was starting to get cold. I sat up on my elbows.

  “I think it’s time to go.”

  He looked over at me and smiled, “Good because I can’t stand being wet like this.”

  I lightly laughed as we both got up and started walking out of the park. I suddenly stopped and turned the other way to some nearby bushes. I bent down as the nausea set in and I began to vomit. Connor waited for me to finish as he put his arms under my legs, picked me up and carried me to the car. That was all I needed to feel safe again.

  He carried me up to the penthouse and to the bedroom. He started to help me undress as I stopped him.

  “I’m fine; you need to get out of those wet clothes. Please go change; I’m going to take a hot bath.”

  “Do you feel well enough to take a bath by yourself?”

  I shot him a look, “If I said no does that mean you’ll get in with me?”

  He looked down, “Ellery.”

  I saw the look on his face, and it was one of pain, almost the same look as the day in the hotel room.

  “I was kidding Connor, now get out of here and go change.”

  He walked out and left me standing there feeling like an idiot. I didn’t make it to the bathtub. I put on my nightshirt and robe and collapsed on top of the bed.

  Chapter 28

  I woke up 4 hours later and couldn’t move. The part I feared the most hit me; the pain. I started to whimper when I wanted to scream because I didn’t want anyone to hear me. My body felt like it’d been hacked into a million pieces, starting from the top of my head down to my toes. There wasn’t a single bone, joint, or muscle that didn’t hurt. I tried to get comfortable, but I couldn’t. I slowly got off the bed and wanted to scream when my feet touched the floor. I stood up and made my way to the door; I stepped out into the hallway and dropped to my knees and then onto my side.

  I started to cry, more a soft whimper like a puppy. Connor must have been in his office, which was the room next to the staircase because I could hear him on the phone. I tried to crawl to the bathroom, but the pain was too great. It wasn’t too long when I saw Connor running up the stairs, skipping a step in between.

  “Ellery, my god, what’s wrong?”

  At that point, I was shaking uncontrollably. I put my hand up. “Don’t touch me, it hurts,” I cried.

  He yelled for Claire and told her to call the nurse immediately and get her over to the penthouse. He sat down beside me and touched my hair.

  “I need to get back in bed, just pick me up and get it over with,” I begged. He stood and picked me up off the ground. He flinched as I screamed. He carefully carried me into the bedroom and laid me on the bed.

  “The nurse will be here soon; she’ll help you,” he said as he gently brushed the hair away from my face.

  I looked at him and cried, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for this, I never wanted you to see me like this.”

  He knelt down beside the bed and lightly touched my hand. “You have nothing to be sorry for; I’m the one who is sorry. It kills me to see you in such pain,” he said as a single tear fell down his cheek.

  I took my thumb and gently wiped the tear from his face as he took my hand and looked at my wrist; the one tattooed with his name. He didn’t have a chance to say anything as the nurse came in with her bag. Connor stood up and sat at the edge of the bed while Claire stood in the doorway.

  “You are going to be just fine sweetie,” she said as she held up a needle. “I’m going to give you a shot of morphine for the pain.”

  She injected the shot into my hip and told me to relax. She then asked Connor to step into the hallway. I started to relax as the pain started to subside. Connor walked back in room and to the other side of the bed, where he sat up with his back against the headboard. I turned on my side to face him.

  “It isn’t always going to be like this,” I said. “The first 3 days after chemo are the worse than I am usually fortunate enough to have a few days where I feel good; well as good as can be expected on chemo.” He didn’t say a word; he only sat there playing with my hair.

  “Don’t get to use to doing that, it’s going to be gone soon.�
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  He flashed me that smile that melts my heart, “I don’t care; you’ll still be just as beautiful.”

  I smiled at him, and he kissed me lightly on my forehead. He softly took a hold of both my wrists and looked at them, rubbing the tattoos lightly. I saw the anguish in his eyes.

  “I noticed these at the hospital when you were receiving chemo. I’ve been waiting for you to show me; why Ellery?” He asked.

  I rolled over as the morphine settled through my body and I was able to step out of bed and slowly walked over to the window. “Because at some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life, and this is my way of keeping you in my heart.”

  Silence overtook the large room until I felt his arms wrap around me and he softly whispered in my ear.

  “Get back in bed and I’ll bring you some tea.”

  I turned around with his arms still wrapped around me as I delicately kissed him on the cheek. He closed his eyes and took in a sharp breath. He released his arms from me and left the room. He came back a few minutes later with a cup of peppermint tea and set it on the nightstand, then climbed on the other side and sat next to me.

  “Peyton called me and read me the riot act,” he laughed.

  “Why would she do that?” I asked.

  “She said she’s been trying to get a hold of you for a couple of days and when she didn’t have any luck, she called me. When I told her about your chemo and that you were staying here, she started yelling and said to sit tight because she was coming straight over from the airport to kick my ass.”

  I rolled my eyes, “Oh god, not tonight.”

  Connor lightly laughed, “No, tomorrow, her flight was delayed.

  I let out a sigh of relief, “Good, because tonight I couldn’t deal with her.”

  I must have drifted to sleep because when I woke up I was under the covers and Connor was gone. I felt so alone and did the only thing I couldn’t control, I cried. As my shoulders were shaking and the sobs were buried deep in my pillow, I felt an overwhelming sense of comfort from behind.