Forever Black

by Sandi Lynn

  “It’s ok baby, I’m here.” Connor wrapped his arms around me and held me the rest of the night.

  I woke up and patted the empty side where Connor laid and held me last night. I wanted to wake up in his arms and I wanted him to tell me that he loved me. I’m getting too many mixed signals from him; it’s hurting me and I don’t have the strength to fight cancer and him at the same time.

  I felt like my chemo fog lifted and I was starting to feel somewhat normal, as if I even knew what normal was anymore. I followed the aroma of coffee down the stairs and into the kitchen where Claire was cooking.

  “Good morning dear,” she turned and smiled.

  “Good morning Claire, I am in desperate need of some coffee.”

  She walked to the cabinet and grabbed a mug, “One cup coming right up.”

  I heard a raised voice coming from over by the living room. I took my coffee and walked towards it when I noticed it was coming from Connor’s office. He was on the phone and he sounded angry.

  “It’s complicated Ashlyn. Yeah, well I’m sorry about the other night but something came up; fuck,” I heard him yell as he threw his phone across his desk. He paced back and forth, rubbing the back of his neck and shaking his head. It hurt me to the very core that he still talked to her and still never explained to me who she was and what their relationship was. I heard his footsteps coming towards the door as I darted back into the kitchen.

  He walked in and looked at me, “Are you ok today? You look better.” I could see the anguish in his face. He looked tired and weary.

  “I’m fine,” I said as I looked down.

  Then out of nowhere he went off on a tangent and started yelling, “You always say you’re fine Elle, even when you’re not, are you ever really fine? Can you ever just tell me the fucking truth for once in your fucking life so I can stop playing these goddamn guessing games? Can you say something other than I’m fine Connor, because you know what Ellery, it makes me sick.”

  I stood there shocked, unable to say anything in my defense. I didn’t know this man standing in front of me and I didn’t want to know him at this moment either. He stood with his hands on the counter, his body pushed away from it with his head down. I walked over to him and as he looked at me, I took my hand and slapped him as hard as I could across his face. There was no emotion in his eyes or on his face, just like that night at the club. I walked out of the kitchen and started up the stairs. I heard something break as Claire looked at me from the living room. Before I made it to my room, I heard the front door slam. My heart was racing, but other than that I felt nothing at that moment. I couldn’t stay in his house another day. He was too affected by my illness and he didn’t deserve to live like this. I packed my bag and left.

  I hailed a cab and went back to my cold, lonely apartment. I walked to my room and pulled out a piece of paper from under my mattress. I stared at it for a while, folded it up and tucked it in my purse. I threw the rest of my clothes, or really what would fit into the bag that was already packed. I grabbed some cash from my drawer, grabbed my laptop and left. I walked down the street for a bit until I was able to hail a cab. I got in and smiled when I saw Manny looking at me from the front.

  “Are you going somewhere Elle?”

  “Yeah Manny, I am going somewhere, but I need you to promise me something.”

  “Of course, anything,” he said.

  “I need you to take me to the airport and you cannot tell a single person where you took me or that you saw me, please.” He looked at me from the rearview mirror, “Yeah, ok Elle, don’t worry, I never saw you.”

  I arrived at airport and was fortunate enough to book the flight that was leaving in 30 minutes to Michigan. I checked my bag and ran to the gate. I handed the man my ticket and boarded the plane. I sat in my seat and took a deep breath. My phone beeped and as I took it out of my pocket; I saw a text message from Connor.

  “I want to apologize for my behavior, I’m on my way back to the penthouse and we need to talk, if you’re feeling up to it we can go out for lunch.”

  My heart sank as I read his words, but it was too late, I knew what I had to do now; it’s probably what I should have done from the start, before Connor Black walked into my life.

  Chapter 29

  I took a cab to the bank where my father used to do all his banking. I stepped inside and walked over to the teller handing her the folded piece of paper I took from my purse. She walked me over to the safety deposit boxes, pulled the number that was indicated on the paper and led me to a small room.

  “Let me know when you’re finished,” she smiled. I stared at the box and the letter as the memory of my father’s death haunted me.

  Dear Ellery,

  If you’re reading this letter that means one thing that I’ve gone to be with your mother. I’m sorry for being such a lousy father to you. I tried to do what’s right by you, but the death of your mother was too much for me to handle and drinking was the only way to kill the pain, at least for me. No matter how bad it got you always stood by me and took care of me when I should have been the one taking care of you. You had to grow up so fast and I’m sorry for that. I feel like I stole your childhood from under you. You should have been playing with your friends and having fun, instead you were home taking care of your alcoholic father because he wasn’t strong enough to help himself. I do know one thing Ellery; I know that you grew into a strong young lady. I know you’ve endured a lot of heartache through the years and then having to fight cancer was unfair, but you did it baby and I’m so proud of you. If I don’t or didn’t get the chance to tell you that, I am now. I am so proud of my little girl. Your mother gave me the attached instructions before she died and asked me to hold it until you were eighteen. It’s the number of a safety deposit box your mother had kept for you. I’ve been adding to it every year since your mother passed. When you are ready, go and open the box and remember how much you are loved. Love always, Dad.

  My Aunt Diane gave me the letter a couple of days after my dad died. She told me he gave it to her for safe keeping and if anything should happen to him before my eighteenth birthday she was to give it to me. I held onto the letter all these years because I was never ready to open that box.

  I carefully slipped my fingers around the edge of the top and lifted it slowly till it stopped. I looked down into the box with the black felt lining and pulled out a wad of cash that was sitting on top in a white envelope. I set it down on the table and pulled out a silver heart locket with an inscription on the back, “Happy 18th Birthday, Love Mom. I covered my mouth as the tears poured from my eyes. I opened the locket and there was a picture of my mother one side and me as a child on the other. I wiped my eyes as I pulled out a video cassette tape that was labeled, “To my darling daughter.” Lying at the bottom of the box was a stack of bonds with my name on them. I took a deep breath and composed myself before closing the lid on the box and leaving the room.

  My phone chimed. I reached in my pocket and pulled it out; there was another text from Connor.

  “Where are you Ellery?”

  I looked at his words, my heart aching and I didn’t want him to worry, so I replied.

  “Connor, I had to leave, my being at your place was hurting you as bad as it was hurting me. The only thing I can tell you is I’m ok and please don’t worry about me. I have a few things I need to do and I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

  I grabbed my things and handed the teller the safe deposit box and the bonds. As I was waiting for her to return, a text from Connor came through.

  “What do you mean you don’t know when you’ll be back? Where the fuck are you going? You have treatments to finish; you better get the fuck back here NOW!”

  I lightly laughed because even over text he was yelling at me, but I loved him and I was doing this for him, for us. A few moments later another text came through.

  “I will find you Ellery Lane even if I have to travel to the ends of the earth; make no mistake I will fin
d you.”

  I smiled and quickly replied, “I know you will my stalker.” I shut my phone off and took the money the teller handed me from my bonds. Combined with the cash in the envelope and with the money from the sale of my paintings, I had a little over $100,000.

  I called a cab and had the driver drive me to the airport. I stepped up to the ticket counter and booked a one way flight to California. The flight didn’t leave for a couple of hours so I sat down and turned on my phone. I dialed Peyton’s number and she answered on the first ring.

  “Ellery, where are you? I’ve been so worried, we’ve all been worried.”

  “Peyton, stop and calm down, I need you to listen to me, you are the only one I’m telling this to so whatever you do, don’t you dare let Connor or Henry know, please.”

  She hesitated, “Ok, anything.”

  I took a deep breath, “I’m flying out to California for a while and I need you to throw Connor off my trail. I need you to talk to him every day and find out what he’s learned. I need to buy some time before he finds me.”

  “Do you want him to find you?” She whispered.

  “Yeah, I do want him to find me because if he does then I know we were meant to be together and everything I’m doing would be for something.”

  “He’s pissed Ellery; he was throwing things and swearing. You should have heard the things he was saying.”

  “He’s angry and he’ll get over it, just try to be a friend to him. I have to go, love you friend.” I hung up and threw my phone in the trash.

  Chapter 30

  I stepped onto the pavement of Los Angeles, California a nervous wreck. I couldn’t believe I was here, alone in a strange city. The air was much warmer than New York and it felt like the sun shined brighter. I put on my sunglasses and hailed a cab. I handed the driver a piece of scrap paper from the airport in Michigan and told him to take me to that address. He pulled up to the building and as he drove away; I stood there examining my surroundings. I walked around the side of the rental office where I met Mason, the manager of the apartment building.

  “Hi, I’m Mason Grant, I manage these wonderful apartments and you must be Ellery?”

  I extended my hand to greet his, “Yes, I am.”

  “Fabulous,” he said as he turned and grabbed a key off the board.

  We walked over to the next building and he took me up to the third floor apartment. He inserted the key and opened the door. I walked in and looked around. It was fully furnished and clean and that’s all I needed. Before I agreed to rent it, I needed to talk to Mason first. I asked him to sit at the table. He looked at me awkwardly as he sat down.

  “Let me guess, you’re running from the law?”

  “No, it’s not like that,” I laughed. “I can’t leave a paper trail because it will make it easier for someone to find me.”

  He leaned in closer, “Oh now you have me intrigued, continue.”

  I continued with the story about why I was here and all about Connor. I went as far as to show him my tattoos. He grabbed my wrists and stared at them. Then he looked at me with a tear in his eye, “You had me at hi.” I laughed and he reached over and hugged me. We came to the agreement that I would not sign a lease and that I would pay cash every month for as long as I needed to stay, but I had to promise one thing; I had to come to his place for dinner and meet his partner Landon. I agreed and hugged him as he handed me the keys to my new apartment.

  I looked around. It was bigger than my box back in New York. The thing that excited me most was the fireplace in the living room. The kitchen was much more spacious with its white cabinets and black granite countertops. This place had everything I needed right down to the BUN coffee maker. I walked to the bedroom and set my bag on the bed. The first thing I had to do was go get a new cell phone.

  I walked down the street to the shopping center and slipped inside the wireless store. I glanced at the wall that said “PREPAID PHONES.” I picked the phone, paid and headed to the little grocery store at the end of the strip. I picked up some essentials and carried my bags back to the apartment. I was exhausted by time I got back. I put my food away, sat on my couch and texted Peyton.

  “DO NOT store my name in your phone and delete these texts after you read them.”

  “Are you some secret agent now?”

  “Very funny, what’s going on?”

  “All is quiet on the home front so far; Connor did ask me to let him know if I hear from you. Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

  “Yes, I have to go, remember delete.”

  I unpacked my bag and put everything away in the dresser and closet. The one thing I was missing that I needed was an easel and paints. I walked downstairs to Mason’s apartment and knocked on the door.

  “Hello fabulous,” he answered exuberantly, “Come in.” I walked into his beautifully decorated apartment that was bigger than mine.

  “Do you know where there’s an art store close by?”

  He looked at me and cocked his head, “An art store? As in completed paintings or artsy supply stuff?”

  I laughed, “Artsy supply stuff.”

  He turned his head and yelled, “Landon, come meet our new tenant that lives upstairs.”

  Landon, who looked like he just stepped out of the pages of a GQ magazine, strutted across the floor with his hand held out.

  “Nice to meet you Ellery,” he smiled as he kissed my hand.

  “Miss fabulous wants to go to the artsy supply store, so I say let’s take her.”

  “Oh no, that’s ok, if you’ll just tell me where it is I can go myself.”

  Mason and Landon laughed, “Don’t be silly, we’ll take you, someone has to show you around L.A.”

  I got into the back seat of their 2009 Volvo as the boys drove me to the art store. I knew exactly what I needed so I wasn’t in there very long. I picked up an easel, paints, canvases and brushes.

  “I’m so excited to see what you’re going to paint,” Landon said as he carried my easel up the stairs for me. There was a perfect spot in the corner between two windows where it fit perfectly. I was exhausted, and it was already 12am California time, and I was still on New York time. I needed sleep bad; I had an early appointment in the morning that I couldn’t miss. I slid into my new queen size bed and was surprised at how fast I drifted to sleep.

  I opened my eyes and had to remember I wasn’t in New York anymore. I still couldn’t believe I was California. I took a shower and put on a cute little beige sundress and flip-flops. I pulled my hair to a side braid and headed out the door. One of the main reasons I took the apartment was because it was within walking distance of the place I would be visiting frequently.

  When I reached my destination, I stood in front of the infamous Cedars Sinai Grace Hospital. I met with Dr. Danielle Murphy who was the head of the new cancer clinical study involving cancer treatment injections and immunotherapy.

  “Nice to meet you Ellery,” Dr. Murphy said as she motioned for me to sit down. “So, you were first diagnosed with Leukemia at 16?” She asked as she looked at me. I nodded.

  “You had 24 chemotherapy treatments and went into remission and now at 23 years old the leukemia came back.”

  “Yes,” I said as I looked down at my hands.

  “First of all, let me tell you that I’m sorry you did and are going through that again, but I was very pleased when I got your email because I think you are a perfect candidate for our clinical trial.” I sat there listening to her with enthusiasm in her voice.

  “You’ve had one chemo treatment and that was almost 2 weeks ago correct?” I shook my head. She closed my file and threw it on the desk.

  “Ellery, look at me. You are in the trial and this is how it’s going to work. I am going to send you home with some immunotherapy pills; it’s a cocktail, like chemo, but with less side effects and you are to take them every day you are in this trial. Then you will come here once a month for 3 injections over the span of 3 months. Once you receive your las
t injection, we will do all the necessary testing to see if you’re cancer free. If the cancer is still there, but you are getting better, then we will continue treatment for another 3 months. I see here in your medical file that you had stem cells removed before you received treatment when you were 16.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her, “I had forgotten about that.”

  She crossed her arms and ankles and leaned back on the desk. “Well, it’s a good thing you had it done because my recommendation is that you undergo a stem cell transplant once you’re better, to prevent this disease from coming back later in life. Now sit tight while I get your pills and then you’re free to go,” she said as she patted me on the shoulder.

  I pulled out my phone and texted Peyton. “What’s the low down on Mr. B?

  “Mr. B isn’t talking. He says he hasn’t heard from you, but he’d let me know if he did. Elle, he’s weird, he’s acting normal. I’m so sorry.”

  There was one piece of my heart that started to heal when he took care of me after my chemo treatment. Now that piece shattered into even more pieces than before. Tears started to sting my eyes as Dr. Murphy came back and handed me a bag full of pills.

  “Here you go Ellery, you are to take these pills first thing in the morning before you eat, and I am scheduling your first round of injections 2 weeks from today.”

  I managed a half-smile as I thanked her and walked out the door. The minute the warm California air hit my skin, the tears started to flow. I barely made it home before my legs started to shake. I made it up to my apartment and fell to the floor, sobbing into my hands. A loud knock startled me.

  “Elle, its Mason, open up, I hear you crying.”

  I turned around, still on the floor, and reached up and opened the door. Mason looked down and met me on the floor.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked as he hugged me. My shoulders moved up and down as I tried to talk.