After Loving You

by Ashelyn Drake

  Mrs. Maple is the first candy apple stand in the row, but she waves us by. “Try mine last. You know the saying.” She doesn’t even try to hide the fact that she knows she’ll win.

  “We know, Mrs. Maple.” Jared picks up two candy apples from the next booth and hands one to me. “To us,” he says, bumping our apples together. They stick, which makes us both laugh as we pry them apart. He motions to a picnic table off to the side. He always did like to get me alone so people couldn’t bother us. We sit down and I take my first bite, mostly because it keeps me from saying something stupid, like commenting on how the wind is tousling his hair in the sexiest way imaginable.

  “How is it?” he asks.

  I bump his hand with my arm and his candy apple smacks him in the mouth. I laugh at the bits of sprinkles now covering his lips. “Sexy,” I mock.

  “You think that’s funny, do you?” He licks his lips, drawing my eyes to his tongue. No! I can’t go there. We’re doing the friend thing. “You know what they say.”

  “What? Sprinkles are the new Chapstick?” I bring my apple up for another bite, but Jared bumps it into my mouth.

  “No, revenge is sweet.”

  I laugh and lick my lips. “I guess it is.”

  He stares at me, smiling. Maybe we really can have fun together and be friends. This is nice.

  “Here.” He brings his thumb to the corner of my mouth. “You’ve got a sprinkle.”

  I raise my hand to my lips. “Here?”

  “No. Let me.” He leans closer and brushes the pad of his thumb across my lip. Our eyes meet and I can’t look away. Finally he does, and I’m about to sigh with relief when his gaze moves lower to my lips. Before I can react, he closes the distance between us, pressing his mouth to mine.

  Chapter Nine

  Jared

  Mia’s lips taste like a combination of sprinkles, apple, and her. I’ve never been able to describe how Mia tastes. It’s like Heaven. If Heaven were a pair of lips. I suck her bottom lip into my mouth and run my tongue across it. She moans, which only spurs me on. I grab the back of her head and pull her closer. She drops her candy apple in my lap, and I don’t even care. I toss mine on the ground. There is nothing sweeter in this world than Mia right now. I could devour her.

  Her tongue dances with mine, and it’s like all my pent-up frustration at the distance between us unleashes. My lips leave hers, trailing across her jaw and to her earlobe, which I suck into my mouth. My tongue teases her lobe, and she grabs my sides. I’m aching to kiss every inch of her body, to make her tremble and scream my name. But then I remember we’re in the middle of the fall festival.

  “Mia,” I whisper in her ear. “Let’s get out of here.”

  She nods, and I look into her eyes, making sure she’s with me both physically and emotionally. I tear the sticky candy apple from my pants and toss it in the garbage can next to the bench. Then I take Mia’s hand and pull her back to my car. As soon as we’re inside with the doors closed, I reach for her, kissing her lips, her neck, and her throat. My hands trail down the front of her shirt, cupping her breasts in each hand.

  “Jared,” she says, pushing against my chest.

  “What?” She can’t really be stopping me now, can she?

  “We’re in a crowded parking lot.”

  Right. I grab her face, pulling her to me for a quick, hard kiss. Then I start the car and peel out of the spot. I don’t know where to go. My mom is home and Mia’s parents are home, too. I can’t take her to a sleazy motel, knowing she’s never had sex before, and I really don’t want her first time to be in the back seat of a car, either. I squeeze the steering wheel in my hands and groan.

  “What’s wrong?” she asks.

  “I don’t know where I’m going. Where should I bring you?”

  She seems to shrink in her seat. “Pull over.”

  What? She wants to do it here? I can’t let her do that. This is too important. She’ll remember this moment for the rest of her life and I can’t let it be anything but incredible. “No, this isn’t right. It can’t be here.”

  “Jared, pull over. Please.” She places her hand on my thigh. Maybe it’s her or maybe it’s the feel of her warmth on my body, but I jerk the car to the side of the road.

  I unclick her seat belt and pull her to me, kissing her like there’s no tomorrow because I’m not sure there is. We’re both going back to school, and who knows when we’ll see each other again? I can’t even think about that. I reach over and recline Mia’s seat, and then I climb over the center console and on top of her.

  Her eyes widen, and I know she’s nervous. I can’t blame her. “It’s okay,” I say, kissing her softly. I have to ease off, take this slowly. Yet I’m about to burst out of my skin. I need her.

  She kisses me, holding my face in place so I can’t explore anywhere else on her body. It’s her way of slowing me down. We’ve been down this road before. My God, I don’t think I can stop if she asks me to. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. I pull her hand away, placing it around my neck. Then my lips lower to her neck and I tug her jacket off her. I reach for her shirt, but she stiffens.

  “Jared, I can’t.”

  Three little words nearly make my heart stop. I know if she goes through with this, she’ll be mine forever. I won’t have to worry about her with any other guys. That’s how Mia is. She believes in what her parents have. She wants that for us. I’m finally ready to give it to her, too.

  “I love you, Mia.”

  My words have the opposite effect. Her eyes swim with tears. I kiss her and wipe her cheeks, but the tears don’t stop. “Hey, what is it? What did I say?”

  “Why did you say that? You weren’t supposed to say that.”

  “Why?” I search her face for answers. I thought those words would make her happy. “I love you. I don’t see how that can be a bad thing.”

  She grips my shirt tight in her fists, like she’s desperate to hold on to me. “Are you willing to have a long-distance relationship now? Did that change?”

  I freeze. I wasn’t even thinking of that. Of what this would mean for us. I can’t be with her and only see her on occasion. It’s too hard. “I’d go crazy without you.”

  “But what we’re doing now, hanging out whenever we’re both home, how is that any different?”

  It’s different because I have Faith. God, Faith. What am I doing? I run my fingers through my hair and climb back into my own seat. I hand Mia her jacket, which is draped over the center console. “My parents worked different shifts while I was growing up. I know they did it for me and my sister so someone was always home, but look at them. They never saw each other and now when they are both home, they go their separate ways by choice. I don’t want that for us. If we’re apart, it will change us.”

  “We’re already apart.” She puts her jacket back on, grasping the front closed as if to ward off my words.

  “I know, and I hate it. I love these moments when we’re both home and we can be us again, but if I dwell on them when I’m back at school…”

  “Then what was with the photos and the Facebook chats? Why are you stringing me along if you don’t really want to be with me?”

  Stringing her along? She’s been a willing participant since this all started—or since we ended. “You’ve reached out to me just as much as I’ve reached out to you. This isn’t all me.”

  “Damn it, Jared. Why don’t you get it? It kills me to see your Facebook page and whatever blonde you’re dating this week.”

  Ouch. “I don’t date a ton of girls, and you know it.” I’m not about to tell her I prefer blondes now because they don’t remind me of her. It’s hard enough to keep her image from my mind as it is. Show me a girl that looks like her and I’d be royally fucked up.

  “I know.” She looks down at her lap. “But were you really going to have sex with me and then leave me again?” Her eyes rise to mine. “You know that would kill me, right? Or does that not matter to you anymore?”

&
nbsp; I slam my hand against the steering wheel, making the horn blare. “Of course it does! You told me to stop and I did. I’d never…” I take a deep breath and count to twenty because the last thing I want to do is yell at Mia. “I’m sorry. I can’t think straight when it comes to you.”

  “I know what you mean.” She doesn’t say it, but I have a feeling she’s not telling me something. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be with you when it doesn’t mean anything.”

  I grab her face, stroking her cheek with my thumb. “It absolutely means something. You’ve always meant the world to me.”

  “Please stop. I can’t hear you tell me how much you care about me and then say you can’t be with me. It’s too much. My heart can’t take it. I barely handled losing you once. You can’t ask me to do it again.” She inhales a shaky breath. “Please take me home.”

  I don’t say another word. I just drive her home. For the first time ever, I don’t walk Mia to her door. I stay in the car. She doesn’t say anything as she gets out of the car, and I back out of the driveway before she goes into the house. I need to get away from here, away from her.

  I press the hands-free on my steering wheel. “Call Faith.”

  “Calling Faith,” the mechanical voice replies.

  The phone rings three times before she picks up. “Hey, stranger.”

  “Hey. Just wanted to let you know I’m driving back today.”

  “Missed me, huh?”

  “Yeah, you could say that.” Faith is exactly what I need right now. No years of built-up emotions. No tiptoeing around morals—not that I hold Mia’s against her.

  “Should I be ready and waiting when you get here?” she asks. “You sound a little…frustrated.”

  I laugh. “You can always read me.” She and I are a lot alike in that sense.

  “That makes two of us then. I’ll be here with bells on. And only bells,” she says in a breathy whisper that nearly does me in. I slam my foot on the gas pedal and hang up.

  I’m a fucking prick. I know. I’m asking way too much of Mia, allowing my dick to think for me. And now I’m turning to Faith because I know she’ll be there. I hate myself for what I’m doing, but until I get over Mia… if I can get over Mia…

  I’m lost. I don’t know what to do to fix this situation. I thought I’d trade everything to have Mia back, to finally be with her. But all I did was hurt everyone. Mia’s not even speaking to me, and Faith has no idea I cheated on her. I cheated on her the second Mia smiled at me. If only I understood the power Mia has over me—how she can make me lose my mind and just act. I never wanted to be this guy. Hell, I’ve beaten up this guy.

  I press the hands-free again. “Call Mia.”

  “Calling Mia.” The phone rings and rings. I’m not surprised she won’t answer. I fully expected to have to leave a message when I dialed.

  “Hey, this is Mia. You know what to do.”

  I wait for the annoying beep. “Mia, I’m sorry. I don’t even know where to begin. I’m fucked up. I know that. But I didn’t mean to hurt you. That’s not what I wanted at all. Please don’t shut me out. We’ll figure this out. We’ll find a way to make us work—whatever that means. Please don’t give up on me completely. You’re still my best friend.”

  As I hang up, I wonder if that’s the problem. She’s my best friend. How stupid am I for letting that happen? Guys and girls can’t be best friends after they’ve been in love, and I’m not even sure I don’t still love Mia. I told her I did, and in the moment I truly believed that. But I’m on my way back to Faith. I’m planning to take out my sexual frustration on her. What kind of sick bastard does that? How can I say I care about either one of them when I’m treating them both like shit?

  Mia was right. I have to stop this unending cycle between us. I have to let her go. Faith is the one I have to focus on. Plain and simple. And I spend the rest of my drive doing just that.

  When I pull into the parking lot of my dorm, I’m exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Sex is actually the furthest thing from my mind. My conscience is screaming at me to tell Faith the truth. That I almost had sex with my ex-girlfriend. But what would that solve? I’d be hurting Faith just like I hurt Mia.

  I head upstairs to my room. Justin goes home every weekend, so I fully expect my room to be empty. Only it’s not. Faith is there. She’s not wearing bells, though. She’s fully dressed in tight jeans and a T-shirt that looks like it might belong to someone half her age it’s that tight and short.

  She takes one look at me and rushes to my side. “Are you okay?”

  “You know what trips home are like,” I say, knowing she of all people will understand.

  She wraps her arms around me and whispers, “Poor, baby.”

  God, I don’t deserve her, but please let me keep her.

  “What can I do for you?” she asks.

  On the way here, I thought the only thing to get me out of my funk was to come back here and screw Faith. Now, all I want to do is crawl in bed and hold her. But will Faith like that? She’s always the aggressor. Can she handle being loved?

  “This feels pretty good,” I say.

  “Are you challenging me to make it feel better?” she asks, giving me a playful smile.

  “If you mean curling up in bed with me and sleeping, then yes.”

  “Sleeping?” She cocks her head, clearly confused.

  “Yeah, sleeping.”

  “Like we’re a couple?” she confirms, eying me suspiciously.

  “That’s what you wanted, right?”

  “Yeah,” she says. “But I thought…”

  “I’m not with you because you like sex, Faith.” I take her hands in mine and smile. “Though I’m not complaining about that either.”

  She blushes, and it’s probably the sexiest she’s ever looked.

  The only way things with Faith are going to work is if I try to let her replace what I had with Mia. That’s what’s missing. I need that closeness. I need a best friend.

  “I didn’t bring my jammies,” she says.

  “You can sleep in one of my shirts.” I lead her to my bedroom and pull her tiny T-shirt over her head. I kiss her softly, running my fingers over her bare chest. But I stop there. I don’t push it any further. She looks disappointed when I put my T-shirt on her, but I know she needs this as much as I do.

  I help her out of her jeans, and then I strip down to my boxers and climb into bed. I make room for her, and she nuzzles against my side. This is nice. This is what I’ve missed. It’s the reason Mia and I worked so well for so long. The reason I never pushed her to have sex. Lying next to Mia, I felt so completely connected with another person. I felt loved. Faith says she loves me, but I’m not sure if she really does or if she loves the idea of love. Her family is broken beyond repair. I can see why she’d latch onto any hope of finding something and someone she can rely on.

  “You want to talk about what happened?” Faith asks, tracing light circles on my bare chest.

  “No.” No way can I tell her what almost happened today. It would destroy her.

  She tilts her head back and stares into my eyes. “You can talk to me, you know. I’ll understand.”

  I doubt that. What girl would understand the guy she’s dating going home to reconnect with his ex and then running back into her open arms when his ex turned him down?

  “Do you not trust me?” she asks, and the hurt in her voice makes me want to kick my own ass. I did this to her. To her and Mia. I fucked up big time.

  “I’m not big on talking about my feelings. It has nothing to do with you.”

  “Well, if you decide you do want to talk, I’m here. I’ll listen if that’s all you’re looking for. I’ll listen while you vent, and I promise to take your side no matter what.”

  God, I don’t deserve her. She should be with someone who will put her needs first. Who’d never in a million years think of cheating on her the way I did.

  “I’m sorry,” Faith says, pressing her palm above
my heart. “I know I’ve been forcing my way into your life, assuming things about us that I shouldn’t. We haven’t been officially dating for long, and I get that I have no right to expect you to open up to me.” She raises one shoulder in a sort of shrug and tries to look away, but I take her face in my hand.

  “Don’t say that.” My thumb caresses her cheek, and she leans into my touch. “I’m a dickhead. A total dickhead for not seeing what’s been right in front of me. You were furious with me, but you came to the hospital anyway when I hurt my head. You even fixed my hair so the shaved part wouldn’t be too noticeable. You’ve been great since that day in the hospital, and yet I’ve still held you at bay, even after I said I wouldn’t.”

  “You aren’t looking for a serious relationship,” she says. “I get it. What college guy is? Especially when he’s got someone to sleep with him whenever he wants.” She scoffs. “You must think I’m such a whore.”

  “Hey,” I snap. “Don’t ever call yourself that.”

  “I want you to know that I’m not seeing anyone else. I’m not like that.”

  I wish I could tell her the same, but I won’t lie to her. “Faith, I have to tell you something, but before I do I want you to know that from this moment on, I’m all in. I’m committed to this relationship—if you still want one with me after I say this.”

  She lifts her head and removes her hand from my chest. “You slept with someone else, didn’t you? Back home.” A look of horror scrunches her face. “And you came back early because you felt guilty about it. That’s why we aren’t having sex right now, because you feel guilty.” She tosses the covers off her and gets out of bed.

  I want to correct her, tell her I didn’t have sex with Mia, but she has every right to hate me. I want her to lash out at me. It’s what I need to hear. I don’t deserve the right to explain myself, and she sure as hell deserves better than me.

  “Fuck off, Jared. Go screw your little whore from back home, but I refuse to be your sloppy seconds.” She grabs her clothes off the chair by my desk and storms out.