After Loving You

by Ashelyn Drake

  And I don’t try to stop her.

  Chapter Ten

  Mia

  “Tell me again why you’re back early,” Taneesha says, running the brush through my hair like I’m her doll. “Not that I’m not happy to see you, but I wasn’t expecting you until tonight.”

  After what happened—and almost happened—with Jared, I couldn’t stay at home anymore. I had an early dinner with Mom and Dad and drove back here afterward. Tee was out partying with some friends and didn’t come home until well after two in the morning, so we didn’t get to talk. I was awake when she stumbled in, but I couldn’t bring myself to let her know that. I stayed in my room, pretending to sleep, all the while wondering what went wrong. How did I let my life get this screwed up?

  Tee spins me around in the chair and points the brush at my face. “You need to spill. I want details because something obviously happened, and I’m willing to bet my bank account—no matter how small it may be—that it has to do with Jared.”

  I lower my eyes, unable to meet her judgmental stares. She’s never liked Jared. When I first told her about him, she said any guy who breaks my heart is dead to her. We barely knew each other at that point, but that’s Tee. She’s loyal if nothing else.

  “Did you sleep with him?”

  “Almost.” I refuse to lie to her. She’s probably the only person I can talk to about this.

  “How good is he in bed that you can’t keep your paws off him?” She sounds equally annoyed and interested.

  “I don’t know.”

  She kneels down in front of me and places her hands on my legs, still clutching my brush. “Don’t hold out on me. I’ve never been with a guy who was so amazing I was willing to jeopardize a really good thing for one romp in the sheets.”

  Time to come clean. I’ve been carrying this around for long enough. “Me either. I’ve never…” I shrug. “With anyone.”

  “What?” Her shriek is so high I have to cover my ears.

  “Damn, Tee. Being a virgin isn’t so big a deal that you have to shatter my eardrums.”

  She widens her eyes. “You’re serious? You’re really”—she lowers her voice—“a virgin?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So what’s up with the thing with Jared?”

  Of course she doesn’t understand love. Tee measures a good relationship according to how often she has sex. She’s such a guy sometimes. “I love him. I don’t know how to stop loving him.”

  “But didn’t you guys date for like two years? No guy can go that long without getting his rocks off.”

  “It’s not like we didn’t—okay, you know what, that’s enough talk about the physical aspects of my relationship. It’s the emotional aspects that are killing me.”

  She stands up and walks to the couch, flopping onto it. “Okay, fine. So what happened this weekend?”

  “The same thing that always happens when Jared and I are together. It’s like the second we come within ten feet of each other we’re back to where we were two years ago. Those feelings won’t go away.”

  “All right, so how far did things go?” She pulls her legs up under her and hugs a pillow to her chest.

  “We kissed Friday night, but I stopped it. I thought that was the end of it, but he showed up at my house on Saturday, invited me to the candy apple taste testing, and we wound up—”

  “Tasting each other instead of the apples?”

  “Sort of. I didn’t mean to, but I can’t control myself when I’m with him. We ended up in his car, and we almost had sex.” I lean forward, resting my head in my hands. “How could I do this to Mark? Things were going so well. He’s sweet and thoughtful and totally my type.”

  “But he’s not the love of your life,” Tee says.

  I raise my head again. “How do I even know that? I might miss out on the real love of my life because I can’t get over Jared.”

  Tee stands up and walks my way, only she passes right by me and goes to my laptop on my desk. She logs into my Facebook account.

  “What are you doing?” I ask.

  “You’ll thank me later.” She spins my desk chair so I can’t see what she’s doing.

  “Tee—”

  “Look, I can’t trust you not to talk to him, so I’m changing your Facebook password. Once you’re over your obsession, I’ll change it back.” She hits the enter key hard, emphasizing her point. “There. All finished. Now give me your phone.”

  “Why? I have his number memorized.”

  “Then I guess you’ll have to exercise some restraint. I’m still blocking his number from your phone, because I know if he contacts you first, you’ll give in.”

  I can’t argue because she’s right. Only we left on bad terms. “I don’t think he’ll be contacting me.”

  “Why? Was he pissed you didn’t sleep with him? Because I’ll drive the four hours right now to kick his ass. No, I’ll kick his balls straight up into his stomach.”

  I take her hands in mine. “I know you mean well, but I’m fine. I don’t need you to fight my battles for me or to protect me.”

  “Are you sure about that? Because from where I stand, you are blowing a really good thing with Mark.” She couldn’t put any more disapproval in her face if she tried.

  “I know. I’m a terrible person.”

  “You’re not, Mia, but Jared is bringing out the worst in you.”

  “He has a girlfriend.” I bob one shoulder because I can’t manage a full shrug right now. “Or maybe not an official girlfriend, but he’s seeing someone.”

  “Great. So not only did you cheat on Mark, but you willingly hooked up with a guy who you knew was sleeping with someone else.”

  Her words hurt in so many ways. Mainly because they’re true. “I don’t want to be this person.”

  She bends down again and brushes my hair behind my shoulders. “Then don’t. Let Jared go and be faithful to Mark. You owe it to both of you to see where this goes.”

  “Should I tell him what happened back home?” I can’t start a relationship off on a lie.

  “Are you two exclusive?”

  “He knows about Jared, that I still have feelings for him. He said he was willing to give us a try anyway.”

  “Then you need to decide if that’s really what you want. If it is, you need to tell him you kissed Jared. Leave it at that. He doesn’t need to know about what didn’t actually happen. Tell him you kissed Jared and realized it was a mistake. That you’re over him and ready to focus on Mark.”

  But what if I’m not? Or worse, what if I am but Mark isn’t willing after I confess?

  ***

  I wait until evening to call Mark. He wasn’t expecting me before that, so I take the day to myself to get my thoughts together. Tee’s right. The thing with Jared isn’t good for anyone. There are four people being affected by it, and that needs to stop. Mark is worth my time and my heart.

  “Hello?” he answers, sounding out of breath.

  “Hey, it’s Mia.”

  “Oh, hey. Hang on a sec.” He shuffles around on the other end, and my heart seizes. Visions of him with another girl invade my mind. I know it’s stupid because he’s not the type to cheat, but the thought sends jealousy coursing through me. That has to mean something. “Sorry about that. I was out running. I just got back to my sister’s place.”

  I breathe easier. “I didn’t know you were a runner.”

  “I just do it to keep in shape. I don’t compete or anything.”

  I’m quiet on the other end, so he continues. “So, you’re back.”

  “Yeah.” I pick at a string on my comforter. “I really need to talk to you, but I’m thinking I should do it in person.”

  “Uh-oh. Why do I have a feeling I shouldn’t have answered my phone?” He’s not huffing into the phone anymore, and I can’t help wondering if he’s holding his breath.

  “Mark, I really like you,” I say, feeling the need to reassure him of my feelings.

  “But…”

  Thi
s can’t wait. I have to tell him now or he’ll be in agony until we see each other. “Something happened. Something I’m not proud of.”

  “The guy from back home.” He says it so matter-of-factly.

  “We sort of kissed, but it doesn’t mean anything. Nothing’s changed. It was a huge mistake and I came right home.”

  “So this happened today, then?”

  “Not exactly. I came back last night.”

  He doesn’t respond. I wait, giving him time to process this. I can’t push him or I might lose him. “Why did you wait until now to tell me?”

  “Things with Jared didn’t end well, and I needed to make sure I knew what that meant for both Jared and me and us.”

  “Is there an us?” I hear Sammy yapping in the background and then what sounds like a refrigerator door slamming shut.

  “I hope there can be.”

  He swallows three times in short succession.

  “Rehydrating?” I ask, unable to keep the awkwardness from my voice.

  “Beer doesn’t really rehydrate you,” he answers. Wonderful, I’ve driven him to drink.

  “I know it doesn’t help, but I’m sorry.”

  “Whatever. We just met, right? I guess I don’t really have a right to be angry. You told me about Jared before you left. I should have seen this coming. I shouldn’t be surprised at all. But I am. I’m so fucking mad right now, Mia.” He’s not yelling, and that makes it worse because each word is laced with pain.

  “You have every right to be mad at me.”

  “But that’s just it. I don’t have a right to be mad. You love him. You told me as much. How can I compete with that?”

  My head lowers and my gaze falls on my hand. For the first time I wish I had a burn. I want some sort of memory of Mark and me before everything went to hell. “What I feel for him doesn’t change what I feel for you.”

  “And what is that? What do you feel for me, Mia?”

  I take a deep breath and grab my coat and keys. “Can I come over so we can talk in person?”

  “I’m sweaty and disgusting.”

  That’s the lamest excuse ever. “I don’t care, but if you don’t want to see me, say that, Mark. Don’t hide behind a little sweat.”

  “Fine. You want the truth? Here’s the truth.” He lets out a long breath before continuing. “If you come over here, I’m going to forgive you and tell you we can start over. I’m going to give you a second chance, and I’m going to be so damn happy about it, which will make me hate myself because I’ll be the biggest pussy in the world.” His rambling only makes me want to see him more. He really cares about me, and I can’t let him go.

  “I’m on my way.” I hang up before he can tell me not to come. Maybe it’s not fair for me to force myself on him like this, but I have to. I’ll hate myself if I let Mark walk away, and I might end up hating Jared for it, too. He’s probably back in Faith’s arms right now. I hope he is anyway. I need him to move on and forget me so I can forget him.

  The drive to Mark’s is filled with traffic lights, drawing out every minute. I tap my foot on the brake and curse the traffic gods for making me wait so long to see Mark. When I finally pull up to his sister’s house, I’m ready to explode. I cut the engine, scramble out of the car, and rush to the front door. There are lights on everywhere and another car is in the driveway. Crap. His sister must be home. I don’t need an audience.

  I knock on the door, not wanting to ring the bell because it’s late. Sammy barks and footsteps sound on the hardwood floor. Each one like a nail being hammered into a coffin, my coffin. A woman answers the door. Judging by her appearance, she must be Leslie. She and Mark look so much alike they could be twins.

  “Can I help you?” she asks.

  “Oh, um, I’m here to see Mark. I’m Mia.”

  She furrows her brow, obviously unable to place my name. It shouldn’t bother me that Mark didn’t tell her about me, but it does. “He’s in the shower. Was he expecting you?”

  “Yeah. I talked to him before I left.”

  She steps aside, motioning for me to come in. “You can wait in the living room or downstairs. Whichever you’d like.”

  I can’t sit here with her and her husband, who gives me a small wave from the couch. “I’ll wait downstairs if you don’t mind.”

  She smiles and nods toward the stairs, probably relieved she doesn’t have to entertain the girl her brother never bothered to mention before.

  I walk downstairs, my head pounding loudly in my ears the closer I get to Mark. The sound of running water eases my nerves. He’s still showering. I have time to think about what I’m going to say. I step into the basement and look around. There’s a gray futon, a coffee table, and a dresser. Not very homey. I step toward the dresser and see a receipt on top. It wouldn’t get my attention at all, but I notice the date. It’s the receipt from the coffee he bought for us the day we met. I hold it up, touched that he kept it. Then I realize the water isn’t running anymore. A few seconds later, the bathroom door opens and steam pours into the room as Mark steps out in nothing but a towel. The sight of his chiseled chest and abs is mesmerizing.

  “Oh, I didn’t know you were here,” he says, meeting my gaze. Or he would be if I was looking at his face. I can’t take my eyes off his chest. “Um, you dropped something.” He motions to the floor in front of my feet, but I don’t move so he walks over and picks it up. His face scrunches in confusion. “This is the receipt from…” He raises his eyes to mine. “Where did you get this?”

  “You kept it,” I say. “Why did you keep it?”

  He walks back to his dresser and places the receipt in the top drawer. Then he takes out a T-shirt and pulls it over his head. Next, he grabs boxers and shorts and steps into them, not removing his towel until he’s dressed. Then he uses the towel to ruffle his hair and tosses it on the futon. “I thought my feelings for you were obvious.”

  “But we’d only just met.”

  He shrugs. “I like to keep mementos of important events in my life. I thought we might end up dating and wanted to have something to remember our first date by.” He shrugs. “Not that we had been on a real date that day.”

  I step toward him, closing the distance between us in seconds. Surprise registers on his face. “What are you doing?” He holds his arms out, taking me by my shoulders and preventing me from getting closer.

  “You might be the sweetest guy I’ve ever met, and looking at you now, all I can think is I don’t want Jared to be the last guy I kissed.”

  His jaw clenches at Jared’s name.

  “I’m sorry, but I’m trying to be honest. I made a mistake, Mark. I don’t want Jared to be the one I run to. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I really wish you’d lower your arms so I can kiss you and show you how much I want this to work out for us.”

  “My sisters say I was never good at sharing, and they’re right. I won’t share you with him, Mia. So if you don’t think you can handle being around him without falling back into your old ways, then please turn around and walk out of my life.” His grip on my shoulders loosens and his arms fall to his sides. “But if you’re really done with him and you’re ready to commit to me…”

  My eyes search his and then fall on his lips. I step into him and kiss him, intent on showing him how committed I am to this relationship. Mark responds by pulling me into his arms. He moans into my mouth, meeting every movement of my tongue with his own. My fingers find the hem of his shirt and dip under it, wanting to touch his chiseled chest and abs that I admired from afar.

  He picks me up, wrapping my legs around his waist and brings me to the futon, sitting me down on his lap. My hands run through his damp hair, down his neck, and to his chest again. I pull back slightly, pressing down on his lap in all the right places.

  “Don’t even think it,” Mark says. “It’s not happening.”

  What? He’s turning me down? “But—”

  “No.” He presses his finger to my lips. “I’m happy to make yo
u scream, but I’m not having sex with you tonight.”

  He’s right. I’d regret it if we did. Then the rest of his words register, and I cock my head at him. “You think you can make me scream?”

  He smiles, a totally confident, sexy smile. “Oh yeah. I know I can.” He flips me over so I’m on my back on the futon next to him. Then he holds my hands above my head and trails kisses down my neck to my chest. I’m still fully clothed, so I’m not sure what his intentions are. I don’t have to wait long to find out though. He lifts my shirt with one hand and unclasps my bra with the other. He’s let go of my hands now so I grab the back of his head as he removes my bra completely and takes a nipple into his mouth. I hold him in place, not wanting him to stop, but he isn’t listening. He pulls away, trailing kisses down my stomach.

  His hands find the button on my jeans and he slides them down past my hips and then my knees. I try to help him get them off, but he shakes his head at me. He slowly removes them one leg at a time. The anticipation is killing me and I kick my leg, hurrying this up. He laughs and slowly crawls back up my body. This time his hand slips under my panties as he takes the other nipple into his mouth. I don’t have to hold him in place anymore. He’s not going anywhere. I, on the other hand, am sent on a rush of sensations that sends me over the edge.

  And he was right. He has no trouble making me scream.

  Chapter Eleven

  Jared

  It’s been a week since Faith walked out on me. One week of wondering how she is and what she’s doing. One week of trying to catch glimpses of her on campus. We always crossed paths on Fridays between our ten and eleven o’clock classes, but either she skipped class two days ago or she purposely walked a different way, because I never saw her.

  “Dude, can you please keep your crap in your room?” Justin says, tossing my wet towel at me. “The couch is soaked, and you know I always sit in this spot.”

  I’m tempted to compare him to Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, but Justin is nowhere near as intelligent as Dr. Cooper. In fact, Justin wouldn’t even be at this school if he wasn’t such a good wrestler. A full ride and a total BS major in communication, that’s what being able to pin people to a mat has gotten him.