After Loving You

by Ashelyn Drake

  The stunned look on his face is priceless, but it doesn’t rival mine when Tee walks up behind me and says, “And I thought I was the slutty one this evening.” She raises her cup of beer, taking a long gulp.

  There’s no way to get out of this situation, so I laugh and say, “What can I say? You were bound to rub off on me eventually.”

  “So true,” she says. “Hey, have either of you seen Brandon? I kind of lost him after I went to the bathroom. He said he’d wait for me on the dance floor.” She looks over the tops of people grinding against each other in the middle of the living room, aka the dance floor.

  “No, I haven’t.”

  “Oh, that’s right,” Tee says. “That’s because you two were busy staring into each other’s eyes and talking dirty.” She winks and walks away.

  “Hey.” A guy from the frat house comes over to us and motions to Taneesha. “Was she asking about Brandon?”

  “Yeah, why?” I wrinkle my brow, wondering how he knows Brandon.

  “Tall guy,” he says, holding his beer cup up to Brandon’s approximate height, “with the tattoo of an eagle on the back of his hand?”

  “Yeah, that’s him,” I say. “Have you seen him?”

  The guy eyes me and then Mark. “Listen, if I were you, I’d tell your friend to forget about that guy.”

  “Why?” Mark asks, rubbing my arm.

  “He dated my twin sister last semester. Well, I shouldn’t say dated. You see, he does this thing where he hangs out at the library and picks up girls. They think he’s a nice guy with a good GPA, but really the guy is only after one thing.”

  He doesn’t need to tell us what that one thing is.

  “If all your friend is looking for is to hook up for a night, then tell her to have fun. She found the right guy.” His eyes meet mine. “But if she isn’t looking to be another notch on this guy’s belt, then I’d keep her away from him.” He nods to Mark and walks away.

  “I’ve got to find, Tee.”

  Mark puts his arm around me. “I know. Let’s go.”

  After we search the party to no avail, I turn toward Mark in panic. “Do you think she left with him?” It’s not like her to leave a party without telling me, but I’m here with Mark, so maybe she did.

  “Call her cell,” he says, being totally rational.

  “Right.” I pull my phone from the pocket in my costume. Thank God they were smart enough to sew pockets in this thing. I hit Tee’s number on my speed dial and wait. And wait. And wait. If she’s still at the party somewhere, she won’t hear her phone over the noise, which is why I didn’t try calling her sooner.

  “Hey, this is Tee. What do you want from me?” her voicemail message greets me.

  “Tee, it’s me. Where are you? Don’t go anywhere with Brandon. The guy’s a major player. Call me the second you get this.”

  I hang up and look to Mark. “What now?” If she went back to Brandon’s place, there’s no way we’ll find her.

  “Let’s check your place. Hopefully she was smart enough not to go to his place when she doesn’t really know him.”

  I nod, and he leads me out of the party. I keep trying Tee’s phone on the way, but she obviously doesn’t want to be disturbed. I can’t remember a time when she didn’t have her phone on her. She even answered once when she and Shawn were in the middle of having sex. Totally disturbing, but apparently she’d been bored.

  I’m struggling to move quickly in my costume, but my giant green belly is bumping against my knees as I run. I have a body suit on under it, so I stop and pull the thing over my head. Mark turns to look at me.

  “I know it’s skin tight and I look like a really inappropriate gymnast, but Tee needs my help.”

  Mark shakes his head. “No, you look amazing.” He grabs my green M&M costume and my hand, and we race back to my dorm. I run up the stairs, not willing to wait for the elevator, and straight to my room.

  “Tee!” I yell as I unlock the door and burst into the room.

  She’s on the couch, making out with…Shawn?

  “What the hell?” I ask.

  She shrugs. “Hey, Mia.” Her brow furrows as she takes in my outfit. “What are you wearing now?”

  “It was under my costume, but that’s not the point. What are you doing with Shawn?” I don’t bother trying to mask my disapproval.

  She stands up. “He found me at the party and told me Brandon is some library pickup artist or something.”

  Shawn stands up. “I couldn’t let my girl get played by that loser.”

  His girl? “I thought you two hadn’t seen each other in, like, a month.”

  “We haven’t.” Tee shrugs. “But you know what it’s like when you see an ex and those feelings come back.”

  I swallow hard, her words leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I get what she’s saying, but did she have to say it in front of Mark? “Well, we’ll leave you two alone then.” I point my thumb over my shoulder. “We were heading to Mark’s tonight anyway.” I can’t look at Mark because I don’t want to see the hurt on his face. I’m sure Tee’s choice of words hurt him as much as me. “I’m glad you’re okay, Tee, but next time, call me. I was worried about you.”

  She walks over to me, her gaze falling on Mark, who looks away. Then she whispers to me, “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said it like that and in front of Mark. I hope I didn’t screw anything up with you two.”

  “It’s fine. I’ll handle it. Just…” I look around her at Shawn. “Don’t forget why you broke up with him. Going back to your past is comfortable because it’s what you know, but that doesn’t make it the best thing for you.” I say the words as much for me as for Tee. It’s what I’m reminding myself a lot these days. Not because I miss Jared, but because I know I can’t avoid him forever. At some point I’m going to have to face him again, and that means facing the feelings I used to have, too. Tee nods and I walk out of our suite into the hallway where Mark is waiting.

  “Did you mean that?” he asks me.

  “You heard?”

  “I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop. I even came out here to give you privacy, but this hallway makes everything echo.” He looks around at the walls, and I can’t help thinking it’s to avoid my eyes.

  I take his hand in mine. “Yes, I meant it. I couldn’t be happier with you.”

  “Then there’s something I’d like to ask you.”

  I cock my head. “If it’s to put a coat on, I’m way ahead of you.” I wrap my arms around myself. Now that I’ve slowed down, the chill in the air is setting in.

  “Come here.” He opens his arms up to me and envelopes me in a hug. “How about we stay here tonight, in your room?”

  “Tee’s kind of loud when she’s…” I let the rest of the sentence hang.

  He leans toward me. “You can be loud, too.”

  My cheeks get hot because he’s right. I can only imagine what sex with Mark would be like. How loud I’d scream. “We should definitely go to your place.”

  “Speaking of…” He takes a deep breath. “I know it’s kind of soon, but I’d like you to come to Thanksgiving dinner at my sister’s house.” He blurts it all out in one breath.

  Thanksgiving dinner? I always go home for the holidays. Every single one. Mom and Dad know about Mark now, but I’m not sure they’d be happy about me missing Thanksgiving. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

  His face falls. “You want to go home.” He nods. “I understand.”

  He’s not worried about me being home when Jared is, is he? “Wait, is this about you wanting me to spend the holiday with you or about me going home?”

  He lets go of me and leans against the wall. “I trust you, if that’s what you’re asking. Do I still think about you kissing him the last time you saw him? Yeah, and it kills me every time I do. But I wouldn’t be with you right now if I thought you’d do something like that to me after the past month. We’ve gotten really close. I hope you know we’d be done for good if you decided to go back to him,
even for a second.”

  “I do know that, and I’m not going back to Jared.” I step into him, as much as his costume will allow. “You’re the only one I want, Mark.”

  “Then come to Thanksgiving dinner. This isn’t a test. I’m not asking you to pick me over him, because I’m pretty sure you’ve already done that. I really want to be with you and for you to get to know my family. Please say you’ll come.”

  What else can I say? This obviously means a lot to him and he did race across campus in an M&M costume to help me rescue my roommate. I’m not sure there’s anything he wouldn’t do for me.

  “I’d love to,” I say.

  He grabs my face and kisses me, smiling and picking me up. I laugh at how his red belly deflates against my weight. “Let’s stay here tonight,” he says, placing me back on my feet. “Because I’m not sure I can take the drive to my place without needing to kiss you again.”

  I take his hand and knock on the door. “Are you both decent?” No one answers, which means they must be in Tee’s bedroom. I shudder at the thought. I really want Tee to find a nice guy, her own Mark. I open the door and lead Mark to my room.

  Once we’re inside, he pulls his costume over his head, revealing red boxers and nothing else. “Weren’t you freezing?” I ask.

  “Are you kidding? That costume was stifling. If you weren’t here, I’d take these boxers off, too.”

  “Don’t let me stop you.”

  His head jerks back so hard you’d think he was punched. “What?”

  “It’s not like I haven’t seen it,” I say.

  “Oh, I thought… Right.” He turns and sits down on my bed. He thought I was telling him I was ready to be with him.

  I don’t know how to tell him that I can’t bring myself to go there until all thoughts of Jared are out of my head. I don’t want to be with Jared anymore, but that’s easy to say when he’s so far away. I thought I’d see him over Thanksgiving break and be able to prove to myself that I’m over him. Then I’d come back here and nothing would be stopping me from being with Mark. Only now that can’t happen, because I won’t see Jared for Thanksgiving.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Jared

  I’m still not sure if Faith really trusts me, but she’s trying her best to. She’s not outwardly punishing me anymore. No comments about Mia or reminders of what I did. I’m sure that’s because I’ve been the attentive boyfriend. I walk her to her classes, I pick her up for meals, and we go on several dates a week. We’ve stopped having sex so much, too, and I’m surprisingly okay with that. In fact, I think that’s what has really proven to Faith that I’ve changed. Though I’m not sure changed is the right word. I think I finally realized what I want.

  We spent Halloween giving out candy at some town-sponsored event where the neighborhood kids trick or treat at the dorms instead of walking around on the streets. I thought it would be kind of lame, since there were a ton of parties going on, but Faith and I had a great time. We drank coffee and handed out candy until nine. Then we had a little costume party of our own. She dressed up like a flight attendant, and I was a businessman wearing nothing but a tie. Okay, so that did lead to sex, really great sex.

  Now, two weeks later, we’re better than ever.

  “I’m thinking of dying my hair red,” Faith says, flipping through a magazine next to me on her bed. She’s lying on her stomach and I’m trying my hardest to keep the dirty thoughts in my head from taking form.

  “Why?” I twirl a lock of her blonde hair around my finger. “I love your hair.”

  “Yeah, so do my parents. I’m going home in two weeks, and I don’t want to look the part of the dutiful daughter. I want to totally shock them.”

  “You could skip out on Thanksgiving all together and come home with me instead,” I say, not sure where it came from. Mia will be there. Showing up with Faith would be more than a little awkward.

  Faith rolls over on her side and cups my face. “You want to bring me home with you?”

  I nod.

  She kisses me, nibbling on my lower lip before pulling away. “That’s sweet. My mother would have a coronary, though. And as tempting as that may be, I can’t not show up.”

  “They have two weeks to get used to the idea,” I say, realizing that having Faith at my side would make it easier to be around Mia. There’s no way any old feelings could creep up on me with Faith there.

  She kisses my nose. “I really do love you for the thought.” She freezes at her words. “Sorry.”

  “No, it’s okay.” I mean it. I like that she loves me. I can’t honestly say I’m there with her, though. I’m not yet, and I refuse to say it before I am. “You don’t ever have to apologize for how you feel.”

  “Maybe I’m apologizing to myself.” She stands up, taking the magazine and tossing it on her desk. “Maybe I feel like an idiot for loving you already.”

  I get up and go to her side. “Faith.”

  She refuses to look at me, keeping her gaze on her nails, which she’s inspecting like they have tiny treasure maps drawn on them.

  “Faith, please look at me.”

  “What?” She turns her face toward mine, but her eyes are still lowered.

  “I’ll wait,” I say, crossing my arms.

  “Don’t treat me like I’m a child, Jared.”

  “Does that mean I can’t throw you over my knee and spank you? Because I think you’d like it.” I smile and so does she.

  “Sick perv.”

  “But you love me anyway.”

  She rolls her eyes. “You’re such a jerk sometimes.” She raises her hand to swat at me, but I grab her arm and pull her body into mine.

  “I love that you love me,” I say, staring into her eyes. “I’ll get there, but I need you to be patient with me.”

  “That’s really no better than saying ‘thank you.’”

  “What?” I don’t follow her logic.

  “I say I love you and you thank me as if I’m doing you a favor by loving you.”

  “You are.”

  “Don’t be a dick.” She tries to get her arm free, but I hold her tighter and press my lips against hers. She turns away, and I kiss her neck. “See. You think you can seduce me and it’s just as good, but it’s not, Jared.”

  I let go of her. “That’s not what I was trying to do.”

  “Really? Then what were you doing?”

  I run my fingers through my hair and look away from her. “I’m not good with talking about my feelings. I’m better at showing them. When I kiss you, it’s not because I’m looking to get off.”

  “Don’t tell me you think kissing me is the same as saying you love me. That’s crap. People kiss all the time. It doesn’t mean anything.”

  I turn back around to face her. “Well, it should.”

  “Yeah, it should. It should mean that you care about the person. Yet there are a lot of ways to care about a person. I care about a lot of people, but the only one I’ve kissed for the past six months is you.”

  Maybe she’s not as over the whole Mia-thing as I thought. “I could tell you what you want to hear, Faith, but I don’t think you really want me to do that. I’m trying to be honest. I do love being with you. I love that you care so much about me. If that’s not enough for you right now, then I don’t know what to tell you.” I throw my arms out at my sides. “Break up with me if you have to.”

  “Is that what you want?” Her voice shakes with the threat of tears.

  I rush to her and crush my lips against hers. “No. What I want is time. In your mind, we’ve been together since last May, but you know that’s not how I was viewing it. And yeah, maybe that makes me a dick, but in my mind we’ve only been together for a little over a month. I don’t fall in or out of love that easily.”

  “Yeah, I’ve noticed.” She steps back and crosses her arms in front of her to prevent me from getting too close again.

  “Shouldn’t the fact that I want you to come home with me mean something?”


  “That depends. It could mean you care enough about me to have me meet your family, or it could mean that you don’t trust yourself around your ex-girlfriend.” She pauses and narrows her eyes. “By the look on your face I’m going to guess it’s the latter.”

  “Do you think it’s easy for me to see the one girl who managed to make me feel like I was never good enough for her?” I lash out. I’ve never said that aloud before, not to Mia and not even to myself.

  “What?” Faith lowers her arms.

  “I wasn’t lying when I said I like to show my feelings. Mia always told me she loved me. Everything with her was about words. I’m not like that. I wanted to show her what she meant to me, but she wouldn’t let me. The only reason I can see for that is because she couldn’t back those words up completely.”

  “You guys were in high school. Do you know how scary sex can be to a high-school girl? You don’t have to worry about getting pregnant. Well, girls do. And unless we’re going to talk to our mothers about sex and get put on birth control, we’re stuck risking pregnancy every time we have sex.” She shakes her head at me. “Mia loved you. She didn’t want to have your baby at eighteen. I respect her for that.” She hugs her midsection. “I still hate her for what she did to you and for how she’s standing in our way right now, but any girl who respects her body is smart.”

  Is she right? Did I read the situation all wrong? Mia never mentioned being afraid of getting pregnant, but it makes sense.

  “Great,” Faith says. “Here I am, pleading a case for you and Mia. God, I’m an idiot.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re passionate, and I love that about you.”

  She scoffs. “You love that I’m passionate. You love that I love you. You love so many things about me, Jared, except for…oh yeah, me!”

  It breaks my heart that she’s so desperate for love. So much so that for a minute, I contemplate lying to her. Telling her I do love her to make her pain go away.

  “I think you should leave,” she says.