After Loving You

by Ashelyn Drake

  That’s all people do to Faith. Leave. “No.” I move toward her. “You’re probably right about everything, but I’m not leaving you.”

  “This is my room. You don’t get to decide to stay after I tell you to get out.”

  “You didn’t.”

  “Fine. Get out!” she yells in my face. Her eyes are red with tears and about twenty-one years of hurt.

  “No. And I thought of something else I love about you.”

  She shakes her head, making the tears spill down her cheeks. “God, I hate you, Jared.”

  “No, you don’t. You’re too good a person to hate anyone. You’re going home for Thanksgiving because you can’t bear to disappoint your family even though they disappoint you every chance they get. You’re giving me chance after chance that I don’t deserve because you see something in me that I’ve never seen in myself. You’re even willing to find something in Mia that you like, despite what her presence in my life has done to you.”

  She’s sobbing uncontrollably now, holding her head in her hands and shaking it back and forth. I take her hands and lower them. “Faith.”

  “Don’t. Don’t you dare lie to me.” She raises her puffy eyes to mine. “You don’t love me.”

  “I love the person you are and the person you make me want to be.”

  “Then be that person, Jared.” She presses her open palm to my chest. “Because I want your heart. I want to be the one you can say I love you to. Stop hiding behind sex, because sex isn’t love.”

  “It’s part of it,” I insist.

  “Well, I want all of it. I deserve all of it.”

  In this moment, I love her for finally seeing her own worth.

  ***

  Faith ices me out for a few days after our talk. I know she’s trying to protect herself, but I hate the distance and don’t see how it’s going to bring us closer. Thanksgiving is fast approaching. I wish I could say I’m looking forward to it, but I’m terrified to see Mia. I’m afraid I’ll look at her and fall back into old habits. Worse, I’m afraid I won’t. Maybe Faith was right about Mia. Maybe she wasn’t rejecting me at all. But I need to hear that from her.

  I log on to Facebook and see she hasn’t updated her status since the last time we messaged. I can’t help but wonder if she’s all right. She’s never avoided being online before, and I’d hate to think it has anything to do with me. I destroyed her trust that day in my car. All because I so desperately wanted what she would never give me. Not sex. It was never about sex. It was about her heart. Faith is right to want it all. That’s been my problem for years. I want it all. Emotions, passion, everything. Mia and I almost had it. Now Faith and I almost have it. The problem is I’m not sure which girl is going to be the one to give me it all.

  I hate that I’m so torn between two amazing women, but it’s not a matter of making up my mind. My mind has nothing to do with it. It’s my heart that can’t decide, and the stupid thing won’t listen to reason because there is no reason in love.

  I’m tempted to text Mia to make sure she’s okay, but I know I would have heard something if she wasn’t. She’s avoiding me. Plain and simple. And she has every right to. I call Faith instead.

  “What do you want?” she answers, her tone showing no emotion at all.

  “You.”

  “Not going to happen. Jerk off like the rest of the single guys on campus are doing and leave me alone.”

  “I can’t do that. Well, I can, but I’m not going to.”

  “Lucky me.”

  “I want to take you to dinner. You know because I’m not a single guy and you’re my girlfriend.” I wait for what seems like an eternity before she responds.

  “You’re really not going to give up, are you?”

  “On you? Nope. Have I mentioned I love your feistiness?”

  “Oh good, more things you love.” I can practically hear her eyes roll.

  “I’ve got a long list of them. I’ll be happy to share it over dinner. Pick you up in five?” I’m trying to sound confident, but the truth is, I’m fully expecting her to shoot me down.

  “We’ll see if you love how long I take to get ready.” She hangs up, and I smile because that wasn’t a no at all.

  I grab my car keys and jacket, and head to Faith’s. She’s still in her sweats when she answers the door. “Well played,” I say, eying her up and down.

  “Oh yeah, I was supposed to get ready, wasn’t I?” She raises her hand to her chest in mock horror.

  “You mean you’re not?” I smile, a plan already forming in my head. “I think you look great.” I grab her hand and pull her through the door.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” She furrows her brow at me, not amused.

  “Taking my girlfriend to dinner.” A few girls walk down the hall, giving us strange looks. “Hi,” I say to them. “Doesn’t my girlfriend look beautiful for our date?”

  They give awkward nods in response.

  “This isn’t funny, Jared. Let go of me.” Faith tugs her arm free. “You can’t expect me to go out to eat looking like this.”

  “If this isn’t what you wanted to wear, you would’ve changed. And that reminds me.” I step into her so our chests are pressed together. “I love how you’re confident enough to wear sweats to a fancy restaurant.”

  “Fancy restaurant?” Her voice rises an octave. “Where are we going?”

  “Franchesca’s. Your favorite. And our reservation is in ten minutes. They won’t hold our table if we’re late.”

  “You did this on purpose,” she shrieks.

  “No. I asked you out on a romantic date to your favorite restaurant. You did this.” I motion to her outfit.

  “But…”

  I take her hand in mine and walk her down the hall. “It will be fine. You’ll see.”

  “No, it won’t. I look ridiculous.”

  I turn her face toward mine as we wait for the elevator. “No, you look beautiful. You always do.”

  She stops fighting me, but she’s silent on the drive to the restaurant. The hostess clenches her jaw at Faith’s appearance, but I smile like nothing is wrong. They seat us in the back, which I fully expected. Got to hide the riffraff and all.

  “Everyone is looking at me,” Faith says, laying her cloth napkin across her lap.

  “It’s tough to look like you have an ass in sweats, but you are pulling it off. I’m sure every girl in here is jealous of you right now.”

  “You’re insane.”

  I smile, because I think she might be right. I’m insanely into this girl.

  “Hi, my name is Mia and I’ll be your server this evening.”

  Of course. Thank you, universe, for throwing a wrench in what was turning out to be a good evening.

  Faith’s gaze meets mine, so I smile at this Mia and say, “Nice to meet you, Mia. Could we get two glasses of your homemade sangria, please,” without missing a beat.

  “I’ll be right back with that.” Mia walks away, and I turn my eyes on Faith.

  “Okay, nicely done, but she wasn’t the real thing.”

  “Wouldn’t have mattered if she was.” I think, or more like I hope.

  “We’ll see about that.”

  “What does that mean?” I lean forward, resting my elbows on the table, which is completely taboo in a place like this.

  “It means we’ll see how you handle Thanksgiving. You and Mia back together again.”

  “Are you testing me?” That doesn’t seem fair to her.

  “I’m testing us. Go home and be with her. If you want to kiss her, kiss her. If you want to sleep with her, then finally sleep with her. You have my blessing.”

  What the hell? “I’m not following.”

  “You need to figure out if you still love her, because until you know, you can’t love me. And I’m not talking about loving different things about me. I mean real love, Jared. You can’t love us both.”

  Yes, I can. I’m pretty sure I already do.

  Chapter Fourteen />
  Mia

  Mark leans his shoulder against mine as he lifts his cereal bowl to his mouth and slurps the milk. “Ah,” he says, placing the bowl on the coffee table. “Sure beats cold oatmeal at Leslie’s.”

  “Why cold oatmeal?” I ask, crunching on my Cheerios.

  “She makes it for me when she gets up for work. It’s a nice gesture and all, but she gets up about an hour before I do. It’s always cold by the time I eat it. I tried reheating it once, but it turned to the consistency of paste.”

  “Isn’t it like paste when it’s cold, too?” I ask.

  He laughs. “Yeah, I guess it is.” He takes my bowl from my hands and places it next to his even though I’m not finished yet. “See, this is why I need you.” He raises my hand to his lips and kisses my fingers. “So, Thanksgiving dinner, do you have any requests?”

  “Um, you invited me over. I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to bring something, not make requests.” I plan on bringing pumpkin pie. I figure it’s a given on Thanksgiving and you can never have too much of it.

  “Well, I want to make sure you’ll have plenty of foods you like to eat.” He smiles at me and brushes his fingers across my cheek. “Thank you again for doing this. I think my sister was a little blindsided when you stopped by the first time. She’s been hounding me ever since to invite you over.”

  “Funny, because she seemed to want to get rid of me when I was there.” It was definitely high up on my list of awkward first encounters.

  “That’s because I hadn’t told her about you yet. She’s protective of me.” He pulls me closer so my head is nuzzled against his neck. “She knows how I feel about you now, and she really wants to get to know you.”

  “Will your parents and two other sisters be there, too?”

  “Oh yes, the entire family. You’re getting the true Newberry experience.”

  Wonderful. This is worse than the new boyfriend meeting the father for the first time. This is the new girlfriend meeting all the other important women in the guy’s life. I’ll be lucky to make it out of the meal alive.

  “That’s okay, right?” He pulls his head back, and I tilt mine up to look at him. “Don’t worry. I won’t leave you alone with any of them. You can even come to the bathroom with me if you want.” He smirks and then kisses my nose.

  “Just wait, because payback is a bitch, mister. My town has this winter ball every year, and you are so going with me.” For the past two years I’ve gone alone and spent the entire evening dancing with Jared. This year, I’m bringing Mark. I’m going to end this year and start the new one with Mark by my side.

  He sits up straighter. “You want me to go to a dance with you?”

  “Yeah. Oh, do you not dance?”

  “Um, I can handle slow dancing and the funky chicken. Beyond that, I have three left feet.”

  “I think the expression is two left feet,” I correct him.

  “You haven’t seen me try to dance.” He kisses my temple. “But seriously, are you sure about this? I mean, I’m guessing a certain ex of yours will be there, right?”

  Jared always got so jealous of me with other guys, even though I’d never done anything to make him think I wanted anyone but him. Mark has every reason to worry about Jared given what happened on my last trip home. So why isn’t he insisting he come along?

  “I haven’t spoken to him since I was home, but I’m assuming he’ll be there. He always is.”

  “Does he bring a date?”

  I can’t tell him I’m his date every year. Mark’s been very understanding, but that’s going too far.

  “Oh, I see.” He nods. “I bet your entire town thinks you two are going to wind up together.”

  Yeah, that’s probably true. Even Mom and Dad think it. They pretty much said that when I told them I was spending Thanksgiving with Mark. Then Mom dropped the bomb that she invited Jared and his family to dinner this year. I don’t know what she was thinking when she did that.

  “Aw, the lovebirds are cuddling on the couch,” Tee says with a yawn. Her sleep mask is perched on top of her head. “Excuse me while I inject some coffee directly into my veins.”

  “Late night?” I ask her, turning around to see her better.

  “Shawn snores so loud. I’m surprised you didn’t hear it.” She and Shawn have been practically inseparable since Halloween. I have to say he’s been much better. He actually thinks about Taneesha instead of just himself. I don’t know what prompted the change, but she seems happy so I’m trying to be happy for her.

  Mark’s been staying over a few times a week, and Tee is sure I’m sleeping with him and not telling her. I let her think that because I don’t want to hear her thoughts on my whole “wait until I see Jared and know for sure that I’m over him” plan. I think I’m being smart, though. I don’t want any regrets, and I certainly don’t want to hurt Mark either.

  “Should I pour you some coffee, too?” Tee holds up the pot. “You’ve totally spaced, Mia.”

  “Sorry.”

  She smiles. “Oh, I see. Late night for you, too. Way to go, Mark.” She puts the coffee pot down and walks toward the couch. “Scootch.” She shimmies between me and the end of the couch. Mark pulls me onto his lap instead of moving over. “Oh, come on. Do that stuff in your own room,” Tee says before sipping her coffee.

  “We aren’t doing anything, Tee.”

  “Uh-huh. I can’t see his other hand and if you start moaning…”

  “Okay, I think that’s my cue.” Mark picks me up, putting me on my feet, and stands. “Time for me to head home. I promised Leslie I’d help cook.”

  “I guess that means I won’t be seeing you later,” I say, walking him to the door.

  “Afraid not. But I’ll see you tomorrow. We eat early. One o’clock and then spend all afternoon playing board games and pigging out on leftovers.”

  All afternoon? I thought this was dinner, not an all-day event. I force a smile and say, “Sounds great.”

  He leans in and kisses me softly. “You’re a terrible liar, and I love that.”

  “Please tell me you’re kidding about the games.” I clutch his hand.

  “Not even a little bit. But don’t worry. Nana won’t be coming this year. Her new hip has been acting up, so she decided to stay at the nursing home. If you ask me, she’s trying to cozy up to the new young doctor on staff.”

  “Go Nana. I’m a little sad I won’t get to meet her.”

  His smile widens. “Good answer. And seriously, don’t worry. My family is going to love you as much as I do.” He squeezes my hand and walks down the hall. I stare after him, not sure if he realizes he admitted he loves me.

  ***

  Tee drove home this morning since she lives about an hour from campus. Shawn didn’t go with her, which doesn’t surprise me since her family never cared for him. He stayed on campus, claiming his family isn’t big on holidays. I feel a little sorry for him because campus is empty. It’s odd being one of the only people in my dorm—other than the staff members who live here year-round. The eerie feeling would suit Halloween so much better than Thanksgiving. But I’m about to leave this place too and venture to what will most likely be a firing squad.

  I drive to Mark’s sister’s house and park on the street since the driveway is already filled with cars. Taking the pumpkin pie I bought at the bakery down the road from campus and a bottle of sparkling cider, I get out of the car and make the short walk to the front door. Before I can ring the bell, the door swings wide open.

  “Hey,” Mark says. He takes the pie and apple cider from my hands. “Why’d you bring so much?”

  “It’s nothing. I used to love drinking sparkling cider as a kid on Thanksgiving. It made me feel grown up while the adults drank wine.” I shrug. “Even though I can drink wine now, I still like the idea of having sparkling cider on Thanksgiving.”

  Mark smiles and kisses my cheek. “See, this is why I asked you what you like to have for dinner. I want to know what your traditions are.”
I can see him making a mental note of our conversation. He even looks to see which flavor apple cider I brought. “Pear?”

  “Yeah. It’s my favorite.”

  “Good to know.”

  “Mark, let the poor girl in. It’s cold outside.” A woman walks up behind us and extends her hand to me. At first I think I’m supposed to shake it, but she wraps her fingers around mine and pulls me in for a hug. Mark closes the door behind me, and I’m instantly surrounded by warmth. “I’m Mark’s mother, but you can call me Sharon.”

  “Oh, um I don’t think I can do that, Mrs. Newberry.”

  She smiles and looks at Mark. “I can see your girlfriend has good parents.” She turns back to me. “Respect is so important.”

  Did I pass a test? I make a conscious effort to be more mindful of all the ways the family could test me.

  “I agree, Mrs. Newberry. Thank you very much for inviting me to join you for dinner.”

  “No need to thank me. It’s not my home after all. I take over on holidays because Leslie’s cooking leaves much to be desired.”

  “What was that about my cooking, Mother?” Leslie walks in holding a tray of empty glasses.

  “I said you work so hard you deserve the holidays off.” Mrs. Newberry smiles and winks at me before returning to the kitchen.

  “Hi, Mia,” Leslie greets me. “Thanks for joining us. Mark would have spent the day sulking if you hadn’t come. You should see him on the nights you have evening classes.” She shakes her head. “It’s pathetic.”

  “Okay, Leslie,” Mark says. “That’s enough exaggerating.”

  “Oh, honey, you wish I was exaggerating.” She takes the sparkling cider from his hands and motions for me to follow her into the living room. She points to the girl sitting in the armchair. “This is Erica, the youngest Newberry.” Then she gestures to the couch. “My slightly younger sister, Courtney, and our father, Scott. And you’ve met my husband, Neil.”

  “Hi,” I say to them all. I glance behind me expecting to see Mark, but he’s not there. He left me already. “Um, I should probably help Mark.”