The Girl Who Lived Twice

by Tina Clough

  If she had been asked yesterday to list the changes she had made in a year she would have found it hard to think of very many - now she could have made a list as long as her arm. The two paintings that Sarah had persuaded her to buy at the giant art sale were still there, so they had obviously been bought before this date in 2006, but a framed van Gough print that she had given to Sarah, had re-appeared on the wall beside the front door.

  She was missing two pairs of shoes and some clothes, but on the other hand she had her favourite shoulder bag back - undamaged instead of deeply scratched after being caught in closing lift doors just before Christmas. In This Time it was obviously after she packed up Greg’s clothes, but before she had turned his mobile phone on and discovered about Barb. As far as she could see there was nothing out of synch, everything seemed to fit her recollection of how things had been a year earlier.

  Some things in cupboards and wardrobes were arranged a bit differently; she noticed that she still had that favourite hand cream, which she could no longer get by Christmas. She made a mental note to go out and buy every tube she could find provided this time-dislocation lasted - and then she laughed with a note of hysteria at how prosaic that thought was in her present dilemma.

  Every now and then she would pause briefly in her search, wondering how it worked and marvelling at her periods of relative calm. My God, this is crazy, how can I be both practical and terrified at the same time? It’s scary but amazing. I must prepare myself so I give an impression of fitting in so I don’t arouse suspicion. Heaven knows it would be easy to cause confusion if I mention something nobody has heard of yet!

  Mia stood in the hall, considering the print that was still there though she had given it away, and told herself that though the rational part of her brain refused to believe it, here she was, returned to the past. Confused and intermittently terrified but determined too in an excited kind of way.

  By eleven she was sitting at her desk with her 2006 diary in front of her. She knew she had to make a plan of some sort and she was talking aloud to herself. Somehow it was easier to reason through things if she heard the words spoken. I think I’ll make a list of key things I need to consider and then I’ll tackle them one by one. If I try to think through too many things at once I’ll lose the plot. I must be methodical and above all, I must stay calm. She swung round on her chair and contemplated the room with some dismay.

  The study had always been a mess. Because they had very different habits, Mia had claimed the desk area to the left of the computer and Greg was supposed to have the other end. But somehow things crept across and took over the entire desk - piles of papers and bits and pieces of everything turned the desk into a storage dump. They had gone to a DIY store and bought wall tracks, supports and laminated shelving, and covered the whole wall above the desk. The mess moved up and the desk stayed relatively clear. Mia studied the shelves.

  They look very different from what they did when I sat here last night – or whenever it was. I must have got rid of a terrific lot of stuff when I tidied it up over the Christmas break. Oh well, I can do it again. I might even remember all the decisions I must have made as I sorted.

  The car! She rushed to the kitchen and checked her car keys. Yes, of course! These are the keys to the Honda that I sold last October, when James found me that lovely demonstration car. I’ll have to remember to look for a white Civic instead of a silver-coloured Ford. And my god, I’ll have to go through that awful period again of turning the windscreen wipers on every time I go round a corner.

  Her stomach turned into a knot of fear again. I’m bound to get things wrong; think of all the things I know, that others have never heard of. What if I come out with something and it’s still in the future – they’ll lock me up! Or maybe I really am insane and delusional? Wouldn’t I be the last person to know?

  She had to exert all her willpower to pull her mind from the brink of panic and regain her calm. I must be methodical. The only way I can keep my sanity in this mess is to keep a clear focus and be practical. I can’t ask for help; I have to do it myself.

  She picked up the pen and started jotting things down.

  Damage control re Greg and Barb?

  Check news for recent events. What is going on at work?

  Make a list of future things to convince Sarah and James. And maybe others?

  And as an afterthought she added:

  4. Try to find out if it happened to anyone else?

  She found it hard to keep her focus on one thing at a time. Her mind strayed into speculation and fear.

  First I must decide how to use tonight’s dinner to my advantage. I must confront Barb. This might be the only chance I have to get it right and to take control and to not be at the mercy of others. It would be very effective to do it in a “public” setting where a lot of people can see me be assertive first hand. It would give me a different starting point for the future.

  She closed her mind to speculation about the meaning of ‘future’ or if she really had a future. She returned to the kitchen to make another cup of coffee and ate a banana while the water boiled. Grabbing a couple of crackers and a piece of cheese she sat down again with a clean sheet of paper and talked out loud, as she rewrote the plan in clear bullet points.

  Check local events of significance

  Find out last week’s news - for normal conversations

  Try to recall exactly what was happening at the office

  Do NOT reveal truth to Sarah and James yet

  Confront Barb for advantage/strength, take her by surprise

  Make it public, tell the story, include things I found out later, stay in control

  STAY CALM

  Her mind felt steadier again and she doodled a smiley face at the end of the list. I must be businesslike and use the situation constructively – it makes it easier to stifle my fear. I won’t even think of “tomorrow”. I don’t care if it doesn’t last, I’ll just grab the chance.

  She read news on the Internet and found it strange that she had forgotten so much in the past year. She went back over news from the last couple of weeks and decided that she had better stay clear of the Iraqi war, anything to do with films and the whole Don Brash saga – and television programmes were out of the question! I’ve never before had to cope with change alone – there’s always been someone else to guide and protect me – first my parents and then Sara and lately Greg. Older and presumably wiser voices to calm my fears and help me cope. But somehow this bizarre situation is bringing out something from deep inside me – I’m learning how to control my mind when it’s on the edge of panic. I can force myself back to rational thought. Perhaps I’m stronger than I ever realised.

  She had often felt that she differed from those round her in her reactions to things, but she had thought of it as being less passionate, more passive. It was interesting to speculate that her quietness and lack of assertiveness might have concealed an inner strength even from herself. And though I’m scared witless at intervals I feel confident as well, strong enough to plan. Mad - but I hope it lasts!

  Leaning back in her chair, tapping her front teeth with the pen, she considered her job. How far ahead was the merger scenario at this time in 2006? Had the merger rumours been officially confirmed, had any redundancies been made public? It was such a large takeover; it had affected the share price and made the business news. Those who knew where she worked might ask questions. A quick search on the Internet revealed that the merger was regarded as “a given” but no formal announcement had been made which made it easier; she would not be expected to know any more than anyone else.

  She spent an hour going through papers in the study, and skimmed through a couple of magazines. She had to be ruthless with herself to stop delving too deeply into articles and websites. All that could wait until later, if there was to be a “later” - for now she only needed the big picture and her place in time. She made yet another cup of coffee, read her diary and re-read emails. I think I’m beginning to
get a fix on This Time and I’ll ignore That Time for now. My future used to be the present, my new present was my past, she thought. And I will not panic!

  CHAPTER 2

  Mia read and pondered and an idea started to evolve in the back of her mind. She could go to Sarah’s and try to reclaim her self-esteem by confronting Barb, even if the future was uncertain. She had nothing to lose, but it would be important to do it right. The way it was done, how she spoke and the image she had to project were all equally important and it was a one-off opportunity. I have to give an impression of strength and control – very different from the person I was when I attended that dinner a year ago. Somehow I need to signal change by how I look or dress so there is an element of surprise to give me an advantage. Dressing differently would be a good start, like donning armour before a battle or dressing for a theatre performance. If I can show a façade of strength it will make me feel more confident.

  She had no idea what she would wear, but it would have to make a statement and signal a departure from the timid Mia of the past. Just a glance at the clothes in her wardrobe make it clear that she owned nothing at all apart from things designed to make her blend into the background. If I stop looking like a mouse maybe I’ll stop acting like a mouse?

  Mid-afternoon she caught a bus downtown and headed for an expensive shopping complex, where she had window-shopped but never bought anything. She had little time to achieve her goal and she knew it would not be easy to change a lifetime habit of buying non-assertive clothes. God knows how this was going to work out, but perhaps even outrageous would be an improvement on mousy?

  In Designers Boutique Lorraine was feeling slightly bored on an unusually quiet Friday afternoon and hoping for some action before the end of her shift. She watched Mia come in and stop just inside the door, looking round to orientate herself. Lorraine walked towards her thinking ‘I’ve never seen her before, looks nice, pretty hair, but a very quiet dresser. She probably won’t buy anything.’

  She greeted Mia and quickly realised that this was someone on a mission, someone who needed time to look around. She stood back and waited. Mia went from one rack to another, by-passing some without even really looking at the garments. At others she lingered to look more closely at a few things; after a while she went back to a couple of the racks she had already looked at and started to hang clothes over her arm.

  Lorraine headed for the same point. “Can I take some things to a fitting room for you?”

  “Yes, thanks, that would be good.”

  Mia gradually picked out a dozen things and gave them to Lorraine before continuing her search. Lorraine took them to the back of the shop and returned to watch with renewed interest – this girl was making very surprising choices. She kept picking out things that Lorraine would never have guessed she would even look at, trendy and ahead of the current fashion. Lorraine began to feel intrigued, not only by Mia’s choices but also by the nearly tangible tension around her.

  As she went over to take a few more garments from Mia she said: “You might be interested in the Karen Walker collection just along here.”

  Mia looked at the tall black girl, obviously of African descent, but with an entirely local accent, and then studied the Karen Walker display and agreed that she might well be interested. Ten minutes later she followed Lorraine to the rear of the floor, where a small mobile rack with the selection she had made so far was waiting outside a fitting room. Lorraine put half a dozen garments on the hooks in the fitting room and closed the curtain. After a few minutes she said casually, “Just let me know when you want me to take some things away, or find other sizes”.

  Mia opened the curtain a bit. “Could you please take these three away and see if you have this one in a smaller size, please?” She was wearing a very short wrap-over dress with a deep V-neck. Lorraine returned with a smaller size and also a similar one in a black and white 70’s op-art print. “Try this one too perhaps? And try it over those narrow pants! It would look great with boots.”

  Forty minutes later Mia watched an astonishing number of clothes being folded and put into carrier bags. She marvelled at how easy this had been and what a radical change of style she had achieved. With her knowledge of next year’s fashion trends she could turn into a trendsetter! But without the assistant’s help and advice she could never have achieved a coherent look and neither would she have had the courage to make such radical choices.

  “Thanks so much for all your help!” She got her credit card out and handed it to Lorraine. “I didn’t know if I was going to manage to really find a complete change of style. It’s hard if you aren’t a fashion natural. But you’ve been very creative – you made it easy!”

  Lorraine laughed and looked at Mia with open satisfaction. “I think we made a good team - I hope you’ll be happy with what you’ve bought.”

  Mia smiled back. “I might well return! This was the easiest shopping expedition ever – and I thought it was going to be a real challenge, or even impossible.”

  “Well, I thought you seemed to want a complete change of style and I could see what might do it, that’s all. It was fun! What about make-up - are you giving yourself a total make-over?”

  Mia’s face took on a less confident and slightly worried look and Lorraine thought: Something bad has happened to her, or she’s up against something and she’s apprehensive. I’m sorry I suggested it - perhaps it’s too much to change at once.

  Aloud she said: ”You have a great face for make-up.” She was beginning felt a bit worried about how personal this was becoming, but she pushed on.

  “You know how they say that the best models have that ‘quite pretty’ look, but the main thing is that they have regular features, great smiles and really great hair. And that’s exactly what you have. I’m sorry if I’m too personal - I just thought it might be a good idea.”

  Mia was both flattered by the interest Lorraine was taking in her transformation and slightly embarrassed. It was a good idea though and probably exactly the sort of morale booster she needed to feel self assured and competent. She smiled back.

  “No, don’t worry about it! It’s very kind of you to help me. It’s just that I’ve never been very good with make-up. So I’ve never experimented. I’d love to be completely different tonight; I need to feel more confident!”

  The last bit came out in a rush and she blushed at how revealing the statement was. Lorraine suspected that Mia probably needed a friend more than a shop assistant.

  “My name is Lorraine. What’s yours?”

  “I’m Mia.”

  “Well, I know for a fact that if you know you look confident you can act confident. It’s amazing what a great looking façade can do for your self esteem.” Heavens!” she thought. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, it’s nearly insulting. But Mia nodded and looked relieved.

  “Yes, that’s it exactly! I may have to say or do something in public – something that will need a bit of extra courage, more than I’ve had for some time, so I thought a new look would be like a disguise and make me feel braver.”

  Lorraine smiled. “I know exactly what you mean. That black and white dress will do the trick; you look stunning in it!” She handed the credit card back to Mia.

  “Well, there we are then. This is what you could do, if you want to have a go at the makeup as well. There’s a cosmetics shop called Urban Oasis just down the mall – they have all the top brands, and trained consultants, very smart shop but don’t let that intimidate you.” Lorraine smiled to take the edge out of her last comment.

  “Any one of the girls there will be happy to do a demo make-up for you, so you can go home and work out if it’s going to be OK for you. If you don’t already have a favourite brand, try the Lancôme counter and ask for Maylene. I know her a bit – we have coffee together sometimes - she’d be honest and not too pushy.”

  Mia had made her mind up. “I’ll go there right away.”

  “You can leave your bags here if you like, and pick them up
when you’ve finished – there isn’t much room in Urban Oasis and these are pretty bulky.”

  Mia left the bags and set out for Urban Oasis, glancing at her watch as she walked. She had spent well over an hour in Designers. Now it was half past four and she had no idea how long a make-up session would take, perhaps forty-five minutes? In which case she could be home before six with a bit of luck.

  The minute Mia walked out the door, Lorraine rang Maylene. “A short curly brunette in jeans and a grey jacket is heading your way. She’s bought some fabulous clothes, radically different from what she looks like now. I think she’s having some sort of crisis going on and she’s determined to change her style completely. She’s gone for very trendy stuff. She really needs a new make-up look, but don’t push it too far.”

  Maylene laughed an infectious Samoan laugh. “I can see her now, she’s outside just looking in the window. Yes, pretty hair – I can do things for her.”

  She waited and watched as Mia found her way to the Lancôme counter. Mia looked at the immaculate girl with the badge saying “Lancôme Consultant Maylene” – a creature of total perfection. This was the sort of environment where the shop assistants might easily sneer at customers whose appearance did not meet their expectations, and Mia was acutely aware of her casual clothes and un-made-up face.

  “Hi, Maylene. Lorraine in the Designers shop suggested that I should come and see you. If you have the time? I want to change how I look – completely – right now, if possible.” It all came out in a rush and Maylene smiled. She looked Mia over in a considering way, a bit like a man looking at a car he knows he can get for song and then turn into something that others will envy, and said: “It will be a pleasure.”

  Perched on a tall stool she submitted to Maylene’s expertise. When Maylene asked how Mia usually did her make-up and what products she used, Mia was completely frank. “I don’t really use any make-up, unless you count the odd bit of mascara and lipstick.”