Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza : Delivery of Doom (9781250008459)

by Yaccarino, Dan

  There was a mad rush of adults and kids down the stairs to the kitchen and another of pizza chefs toward them, resulting in a collision of kissing, sobbing, and shouting.

  Connie and Luno ran down the steps, searching the crowd for Geo, but got caught in the jumble. Once he pulled himself free of Zoola Zeta and her parents’ hugs, Luno found Mr. Galattico.

  “Where’s my father?” Luno asked Mr. Galattico, who tried to answer, but his wife was too busy kissing him. Once he pried her lips off, he managed to tell Luno that Geo was in the back room, and pointed toward a door.

  Luno and Connie ran to the doorway.

  They both froze.

  “I guess I shoulda warned you first,” Mr. Galattico said, catching up to them.

  “Connie!” Geo squeaked. “Luno!”

  “What did you do to my Geo?” Connie shrieked, running to her husband, who was standing on a table trying to roll out some dough.

  He was no more than a foot and a half tall.

  Regardless, Connie picked him up and hugged him and so did Luno.

  “You should be proud of your husband, Connie,” Mr. Fazul said.

  “Why?” Connie snapped. “Because now I can buy a kid’s ticket for him at the movies?”

  Mr. Fazul explained that Vlactron ordered the Pyramid chefs to create a new size pizza that would be smaller than his already Extra Extra Unlarge. Being that Geo had experience making pizza for the microscopic universe of Parva, he decided to take on the task.

  “That was one beautiful pie, even though you could only see it through an electron microscope,” Mrs. Zeta said, patting Geo on the back, knocking him over.

  “Then came time for the taste test,” Mr. Fazul said, sadly shaking his head. “We had no idea there’d be any side effects when Geo volunteered.”

  “I stand behind every pizza I make!” Geo said proudly.

  “Too bad nobody can see you when you do it now,” Connie said.

  “There’s more bad news,” Mr. Galattico said grimly.

  “Worse than ordering from the children’s menu for my husband for the rest of his life?” Connie snarled.

  “He’s getting smaller, Connie,” Mrs. Zeta said, placing a hand on Connie’s shoulder. “Pretty soon he’s going to disappear altogether.”

  As Luno’s mother collapsed into Mrs. Zeta’s arms and wept, Geo asked Luno to pick him up.

  “Don’t worry about me, son,” he said evenly. “Vlactron’s gotta be stopped and as long as he doesn’t have the Golden Anchovy, there’s still a chance. Capish?”

  Luno reluctantly told him he had handed the Golden Anchovy over in order to get him back, but then Vlactron double-crossed him and locked him up.

  Geo smacked his forehead and cursed, “Brutto Malo!” but then quickly shook off the bad news.

  “Okay, okay, there’s got to be a way we can take him down,” he said. “I got it! Roog! He can help us! Where is he?”

  Luno then explained that Roog was secretly Vlactron’s servant and he had double-crossed the Zorgoochi family.

  “Uffa! After two centuries!” Geo said, then looked Luno square in the eye. “Figlio mio, my baby boy, it’s all up to you now. The Pyramid will help, but it’s up to you to stop Vlactron.”

  “But, Dad…”

  “You already know what to do, Luno,” Geo said evenly. “Now do it.”

  Once again, Luno wasn’t sure if he really did know what to do, but nodded anyway.

  “Okay, Dad,” Luno said. “I won’t let you d—”

  “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” a voice shouted. “NOBODY MOVE!”

  Connie quickly stuffed her husband in her purse and slowly turned around.

  A wall of Quantum Guards faced them with weapons drawn.

  The highest-ranking guard stepped forward and said, “Rex Vlactron will be pleased that I single-handedly stopped this little rebellion of yours!”

  Before his Reptilicon troops could congratulate him, they froze where they stood. Then the row of icy guards fell forward, shattering into millions of pieces.

  “Hey there, slush-a-roo!” smiled Frosto.

  “We heard a friend of ours needed a little help,” said Floe.

  “Yeah, man,” said Snowy Joey. “And anyone who would convert us into microscopic vapor in order to save us from oncoming meteors and then refreeze us into solid form is certainly a friend of ours!”

  Sheldon hugged Luno. Delighted, Chooch scooped up Clive, a few Arthropods, and a couple of Junior Pyramid members and locked them all in a group hug.

  “Thanks again for the big tip,” Luno said to Frosto, “but it turned to water by the time I got home.”

  “That’s the thing about Freezorg money,” said Frosto. “You have to spend it before it melts!”

  “So what do you want us to do, Luno?” Snowy Joey asked as everyone gathered round.

  “We need to find the Golden Anchovy!” Luno announced. “There’s a chance that Vlactron hasn’t touched it yet.”

  Before Clive could calculate the astronomical odds against that possibility, Luno instructed everyone to break up into groups to look for it, but arm themselves just in case they encountered any guards or Mutant Calamari.

  “Now does anyone have any questions?” Luno asked.

  “Yes,” said Connie. “are you wearing clean underwear?”

  “Mom!” Luno shouted in disbelief as the crowd dispersed.

  Luno stood in the corner of the kitchen, watching everyone form into teams and then courageously march off into battle for the fate of the galaxy. He drew a heavy sigh, suddenly feeling the gravity of what was at stake. His shoulders slumped, but then he realized it was because Chooch’s giant metal hand was on it.

  “Can Clive and I go with you, Luno?” Chooch asked.

  “I can observe the plumbing system along the way, Mr. Zorgoochi,” added Clive.

  “Sure,” Luno replied and they started off, but turned when he heard his name called.

  “Where do you think you’re going?” Connie asked, rushing up to him.

  “Clive, Chooch, and I are going to find the Golden Anchovy,” Luno replied.

  “Oh, really?” Connie snapped. “Well, I hate to tell you this, but you’ve been grounded for sneaking out of the house, so you’re not going anywhere!”

  “Connie!” Geo’s head popped out of her purse. “Let the kid go! He’s gotta do this!”

  “Alright then,” she said. “But I’m coming with you!”

  “What?” Luno shouted.

  “He’s gotta do this on his own, Connie,” Geo said.

  Connie told him to be quiet and pushed him back into her purse. She snapped it shut, but Geo kept shouting.

  “Mom,” said Luno, “I can do this.”

  Connie looked down and brushed away a tear, then looked back up and pushed the hair out of Luno’s eyes.

  “I know, sweetheart,” she said. “I guess I forget you’re not a little boy anymore.”

  She kissed him on the forehead and told him to be safe. Luno turned and began to walk away.

  “Are you chilly, honey?” she asked. “Because I brought you a sweater just in case.”

  “No thanks, Mom,” Luno sighed and started up the stairs.

  Then she pulled Clive and Chooch aside.

  “Listen, you two,” she whispered, “if you let anything happen to my baby, you’re going to find yourself sold for spare parts and you’re going to find yourself on a loaf of garlic bread.”

  Chooch gulped and Clive blinked, but they both understood. Then they quickly climbed the stairs to catch up with Luno.

  They walked through eerily empty corridors, hearing vague far-off shouts, crashes, and explosions. The battle had already begun. Chooch clutched Luno’s arm until it was numb, while Clive calmly scanned the perimeter with his device.

  “We are approaching the receiving bay, Mr. Zorgoochi,” Clive informed Luno. “There will be transporters to take us to the uppermost levels, where Vlactron’s private chamber is located.”

&n
bsp; “Thanks, Clive,” said Luno.

  “However, if we turn left at this next junction,” said Clive, “we will have an excellent opportunity to observe the plumbing system’s ingeniously designed auxiliary water filtration station, which is…”

  “Not a good time, Clive,” groaned Luno.

  They came to the end of the corridor and cautiously peeked out into the landing area, which was littered with unconscious guards.

  As they crept along, a transporter silently descended from above and landed before them almost as if it was waiting for their arrival. Luno looked to Clive and Chooch, shrugged, and they climbed aboard.

  “Destination, please,” requested a small female voice.

  “Vlactron’s private lair?” Luno asked hopefully.

  They zoomed to the very highest reaches of the mother ship with such velocity that it caused a few of Chooch’s more important parts to come loose.

  Along the way, Luno could see skirmishes on several levels between the Quantum guards and Mutant Calamari and the Senior and Junior Pyramid members, Arthropods, the Mozzarella Monks, and even the Freezorgs. Luno wanted to stop and join the battle, or at least find out if his parents were okay, but kept going.

  By the time they slowed to a stop, Clive had put Chooch back together.

  They stepped off the transporter and headed down a long dark corridor with a giant black door at the end. But this time, there were no Calamari guarding it.

  Luno slowly pushed the door open and stuck his head in. He scanned the room, but there was no one. Then he spotted it among display cases of Vlactron’s skeleton trophies: the Golden Anchovy!

  As Luno approached, he noticed it was no longer in the tomato sauce jar, but in an ornate crystal decanter, its top screwed on tight, adorned with small horned lizards carved around its base, resting on a pedestal. As he watched his own hand reach out, Luno felt his heart beat through his space suit.

  “Hello, Illuminato,” a voice said softly.

  Vlactron emerged from the shadows, his cape flowing behind him.

  “So good of you to visit me once again,” Vlactron said, yellow eyes blazing through the darkness. “And I hear that your friends and family have come to visit me as well.”

  Luno looked at the Golden Anchovy, which now appeared to have lost its glow as it swam lethargically around the bowl. Luno thought that perhaps it somehow knew what it was going to be used for next.

  “I see you’ve come for one last look at the Golden Anchovy before I use it to fulfill my grand vision of total domination of pizza throughout the universe,” Vlactron said. “My only regret is that you won’t live long enough to witness the fulfillment of my destiny.”

  Luno swallowed hard. He could hear Chooch rattling with fear and Clive pecking away at his device behind him.

  “Or perhaps you will in a way,” Vlactron said, gesturing toward an empty display case with a plaque with the word “human” engraved on it.

  “Quantum Pizza is bad,” Luno finally spoke. “There’ll always be people who won’t eat it.”

  “Once I destroy every other pizzeria in the galaxy,” Vlactron said, smiling, “they’ll have to.”

  “But they’ll fight back!” Luno shouted. “They’ll make their own!”

  Vlactron chuckled, then calmly explained that no one could possibly make their own if he controlled all of the ingredients, but even if they tried, he would soon own the molecular formula of pizza itself!

  “And then it will be punishable by death for anyone to make pizza except me.” Vlactron smiled blithely at what he was saying, then snapped out of it. “Calamari!”

  Luno suddenly felt clammy tentacles slither around his arms and waist.

  “To the cheese room!” Vlactron commanded, grabbing the decanter. He pushed Clive and Chooch out of the way and strutted out of the room. The Calamari followed, dragging Luno and growling menacingly at Chooch when he tried to reach out for Luno.

  They boarded a waiting transporter, and as they began to descend, Luno could hear Chooch cry his name.

  “All of this may very well soon be destroyed, but it’s served its purpose,” Vlactron mused, clutching the crystal decanter and looking around at the dozens of battles exploding on every level. “Just like your species, it too will come to an end now that its function is complete. Being that Earth was destroyed centuries ago, the only thing left to mark humanity’s tiny existence other than your very bones on display among my trophies will be pizza. But in time, its creation will be attributed to me and no one will even remember who the Zorgoochis were. More time shall pass and your very species will be extinct and forgotten. It will be as if humanity never even existed.”

  The transporter slowed to a stop.

  Vlactron marched ahead as the Calamari’s tentacles yanked Luno forward. They entered the cheese room and Vlactron climbed up a flight of stairs to a catwalk directly over several massive vats of curds and whey in the process of being separated. The Calamari dragged Luno up the stairs and dangled him over one of the churning vats.

  “Real pizza will never die,” Luno wheezed, barely able to breathe with the tentacle wrapped tightly around his chest. “You won’t win.”

  “I already have.” Vlactron leaned in close. “Pizza is mine and so is the Golden Anchovy.”

  Vlactron then turned to one of the Calamari and told it to prepare his escape pod located behind the pizza prep room several levels above. He descended the stairs and almost as an afterthought added, “Oh, and dispose of the human.”

  Luno held his breath as he plunged into the colossal vat of warm liquid. He thrashed about, trying to keep his head above water and search for the edges. The rising steam from the milk veiled his surroundings, disorienting him.

  “Help!” Luno gasped. “Somebody!”

  But no one heard him.

  Luno knew he couldn’t keep this up much longer. His muscles were aching. Each time he went under, it took increasingly more and more effort to pull himself back to the surface.

  He found himself sinking once again, but just didn’t have enough strength to come back up.

  Luno hit bottom.

  And stayed there.

  How could stupid little me think I could defeat the biggest, most powerful alien in the galaxy?

  Luno was tired of fighting. Tired of trying. Tired of losing.

  He was just tired.

  “I’m sorry, Dad,” Luno said, as a bubble filled with his last bit of oxygen floated to the surface and popped.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  The Final Battle

  “Wa-hoo!” Geo shouted as he squeezed the trigger with both of his tiny hands, firing olive pits at a battalion of Quantum guards. Thanks to a little mechanical tinkering on his part, rather than olives, the atomic olive pitter now shot the pits. As an added bonus, these were piccante olives, which had a combustible stone, so they exploded upon impact.

  “Hey, Connie!” the diminutive dad chirped. “Load me up with more olives! I can’t reach the jar!”

  The receiving bay was in total chaos. Troops of Quantum guards rushed back and forth across the massive platform, weapons drawn, attacking the Pizza Pyramid, who shielded themselves with titanium pizza trays. Hijacked transporters whirred overhead, piloted by several delivery boys and girls who dumped tomato sauce so spicy over the side it ate into the guards’ battle armor.

  Frankie Fazul Sr. and his son, Frankie Boy, led an attack, thrusting the pizza cutter weapons at the guards, pushing them back farther and farther. Con-cetta Cosmo heroically launched pound after pound of super-sticky globs of mozzarella at the guards, immobilizing them in the glutinous goo.

  And where there weren’t Pyramid members, there were Arthropods battling it out. They may have been small, but they were stout of heart.

  “Arthropods attack!” Xoboz gave the battle cry, commanding his troops to swarm over Vlactron’s forces and strip them of their protective gear. En masse, the Arthropods would then carry the guards, deposit them into the dumpsters, and rivet
them shut.

  “Nice shot, sweetie!” Mrs. Zeta complimented her daughter, Zoola, when she sent a dozen flaming bowling-ball-size meatballs into an advancing squadron of guards, scattering them in every direction.

  “Thanks, Mom,” Zoola replied, hugging her parents.

  Even Mr. Cosmo and Mr. Galattico, who both laid claim to being the first to invent the antigravity pizza, set aside their long-standing feud and bravely fought side by side against Vlactron’s troops.

  “Squeee!” a herd of Mutant Calamari shrieked as they led an assault on the Pizza Pyramid’s stronghold.

  Connie grabbed Geo, who was still gleefully shooting olive pits, and ran for cover, along with several other Pyramid members.

  “Well, this is just great,” said Connie, watching the Calamari advance toward their barricade of piled-up pizza ovens, dough mixers, and massive saucepots. “We’re cornered and there’s no way out. I blame you and your crazy family for all of this! I’ll never forgive you, Geo Zorgoochi, for as long as I live, which looks like it will be about twenty seconds.”

  “I love you, too, sweetheart,” Geo said, then stood on his tiptoes and kissed her.

  “Grraaahhh!”

  Peeking over their barricade, they saw a massive greenish-blue-veined creature plucking off the helpless Calamari’s tentacles one by one.

  “Nice work, boys,” Master Uno congratulated the Mozzarella Monks, who were standing by, proudly watching the proceedings.

  Master Uno walked over to Connie and extended a hand.

  “I hope you’re unharmed and hungry, Madame,” Master Uno said, helping Connie to her feet. “Once that Gorgonzola Gorgon the monks and I whipped up is through with those Calamari, it’ll make a tasty snack.”

  “I brought the crackers!” added Nove.

  There were skirmishes in each and every sector. Explosions erupted everywhere. Debris rained down, walls crumbled, and floors shook. The Quantum mother ship was aflame with war and was slowly dying, piece by piece.

  * * *

  As the sounds of battle echoed throughout the network of secret corridors, Vlactron walked swiftly through on his way to his private transporter to take him to a chamber behind the pizza prep room, where his escape pod was waiting.