Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza : Delivery of Doom (9781250008459)

by Yaccarino, Dan

  Clutching the sloshing decanter containing the Golden Anchovy, he puzzled over how enemy forces could’ve infiltrated his ship with such tight security. However, he soon turned to a plan growing in his Reptilicon brain: He would safely flee the mother ship before it was entirely destroyed. Then he would finally take possession of the Golden Anchovy and fulfill his destiny of wielding absolute control over pizza in the universe. But first he would need to safely make it to his escape pod.

  Vlactron came to a stop and creaked open a small hidden door that led to his personal transporter, but let out a barrage of curses when he discovered that a collapsed ceiling had destroyed it. He refused to let such a minor setback stop him, so he immediately ran to the main transporter causeway. As far as he was concerned, he was already under the protection of the Golden Anchovy simply because it was his divine right to possess it. It was just a mere technicality that he would have to touch it with his bare claws.

  Vlactron flung open the door leading to the causeway and marched to a waiting transporter, which one of his guards was about to take into battle.

  “Rex Vlactron, sir!” the surprised young guard exclaimed, standing at attention holding his pizza cutter weapon at his side, and saluting. “It would be my honor to transport you to a safe location, sir, but at the present time, it may be too dangerous, so I…”

  Without speaking, Vlactron snatched the weapon from the confused guard’s hand and jabbed him. He immediately crumpled to the floor, and Vlactron kicked him aside, climbed into the pilot’s seat, and zoomed off.

  As he soared above the raging battle, Vlactron’s transporter was not hit, deepening his profound belief that it truly was his destiny to be the pizza master of the universe. Within moments, he arrived at the pizza prep level and hopped out.

  Vlactron hardly noticed his entire empire crumbling around him as he stepped over faithful fallen guards. He swiftly marched down the hallway to the secret entrance, which led to the escape pod chamber.

  As Vlactron grew closer, he slowed down and expelled a hot angry breath at the sight of the door sealed up by fallen debris. Without hesitation, he spun on his heel and began to make the long walk around to the pizza prep room, where he had wisely made sure the mother ship’s architects created another well-hidden door to the escape pod chamber as well.

  * * *

  Clive and Chooch walked around aimlessly.

  “Due to the sporadic surges in the Quantum mother ship’s radioactive signal,” said Clive, poking futilely at his gadget, “my multiphase subatomic analytical device is not capable of locating the cheese room where Mr. Zorgoochi is said to be located.”

  Clive sat down on a hunk of debris and placed his device next to him.

  “What’re you doing?” Chooch asked, tugging Clive’s sleeve. “We gotta keep looking for Luno!”

  “The numerical odds against Mr. Zorgoochi currently being alive are so astronomically high, it would require the invention of a new number,” said Clive, looking down at a pool of water forming at his feet. “Hmmm. There seems to be clear liquid discharging from my eyes. Have I sprung a leak, Chooch?”

  “You’re crying, Clive.” Chooch smiled sadly, putting an arm around him. “It means you love Luno, too, but it also means we can’t give up!”

  “But Mr. Zorgoochi is gone,” said Clive, tears pouring down his face. “I just feel it.”

  “That is entirely unsound, extremely unfounded, and highly unscientific,” Chooch said.

  “Then what do we do?” Clive asked.

  “We keep looking!” said Chooch and hugged Clive, but then their embrace grew tighter until they were both gasping for air and Chooch’s titanium body began to buckle under the pressure like a tin can.

  They finally realized that a Mutant Calamari had them in its tentacles and was squeezing them to death.

  * * *

  Several levels below, the cheese room was silent and still, except for the distant echo of battle, which made slight ripples on the surface of the liquid in one of the massive vats.

  Resting at the bottom, Luno gazed at the curds lazily floating above him, imagining they were his ancestors’ faces. They looked down at him through the muted light.

  Soon this will all be over, Luno thought, just as Vlactron said it would. All things must come to an end, even the human race.

  And it’s all my fault.

  Luno thought that maybe his mother was right: The Zorgoochis were a bunch of kooks who took pizza entirely too seriously.

  He watched his great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins swirling above him. Generation after generation of working hard, sacrificing, and even facing death—for what?

  Pizza?

  It was just something to eat—or was it?

  The happiest times in Luno’s life were when he was eating pizza with his family. He knew that Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza certainly delivered happiness by the slice throughout the galaxy. And didn’t the Galactic Declaration of Independence state that all humans, sentient masses of protons, and aliens have unalienable rights, like life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?

  He also knew that no one should be able to take anyone’s happiness away, no matter how big and powerful they were. And shouldn’t everyone be able to have a choice of any kind of pizza they wanted—like thick or thin crust? Wasn’t that in the Peace of Pizza Treaty that was signed at the end of the Great Pizza War?

  So maybe this isn’t just about me, Luno thought. Maybe it’s bigger.

  Bigger than the Zorgoochis.

  Bigger than pizza.

  He watched the curds separate from the whey.

  Then Geo’s voice echoed in Luno’s head.

  You already know what to do. Now do it.

  Luno had heard those words his whole life, but not until this very moment did he truly understand them.

  He pulled away from the bottom of the vat, rising past his ancestors, toward the light, and up to the surface.

  His nose hit the air first. He inhaled deeply, filling his lungs, then looked up and saw something dangling from the ceiling above him.

  It was a strand of string cheese.

  Luno didn’t bother questioning how it got there. He just reached up and pulled himself out of the vat. Dripping wet, he swung back and forth and jumped, landing with a squish on the floor.

  Once he caught his breath, he stood up. Now full of bravery and purpose, Luno bounded out of the room to join the fight.

  Unfortunately the bottoms of his boots were covered with cheese curds, and he slipped head over heels and fell on his backside.

  * * *

  Clive and Chooch were slowly being crushed together when the Calamari suddenly let out an ear-piercing screech. It released its tentacles and scurried out of the room.

  “Now, why didn’t I think of this before?” Luno said, sauntering up to them, smelling of cheese and holding a watermelon-size lemon wedge in one hand and a bucket of marinara sauce in the other. “Calamari naturally flee from their condiments for fear of being eaten!”

  Delighted, Chooch insisted on a group hug, even though the last one had nearly killed them.

  Luno armed Clive and Chooch with giant lemon wedges and sauce and sent them down a corridor to flush out more Calamari while he did the same in the other direction.

  Luno heard several crashes coming from the pizza prep room down the hall, so he sidled up to the doorway and peeked in. He crept toward the sound and around rows of massive vats of rising pizza dough, then looked up. At the far end of a rickety catwalk was Vlactron, alone, desperately trying to clear away fallen debris blocking a partially exposed door.

  “How could you do it, Vlactron?” Luno shouted.

  “Zorgoochi!” Vlactron snarled as he spun around. “You’re supposed to be dead!”

  Vlactron then looked down at Luno, so tiny among the massive dough vats in the cavernous room, and snickered, “A small detail I will tend to.”

  “Solaro treated you like family,” Luno said. “He taught y
ou everything you know about pizza.”

  “W-who told you that?” Vlactron wheeled back.

  “Ha! I know everything!” Luno shouted. “How he trained you and was even going to leave you his pizzeria!”

  “That’s a lie!” Vlactron leaned in. “I created all of this by myself! Solaro Zorgoochi had nothing to do with it.”

  “You didn’t even care about pizza at all, just the Golden Anchovy!” Luno shouted. “You’re not interested in giving people something that tastes good and is made out of real ingredients. Your pizza is full of chemicals and tastes awful!”

  “This is not about pizza, you insignificant human! It’s about power!” Vlactron pounded his chest with a clenched fist. “And it doesn’t matter any longer because the Golden Anchovy now belongs to me!”

  “It can’t belong to anyone,” said Luno, remembering what Solaro said 200 years ago. “The Golden Anchovy belongs to the universe.”

  “But I am worthy of its power and your ancestor was not,” Vlactron replied. “Therefore it is rightfully mine.”

  “Well, if it’s rightfully yours, then why didn’t he give it to you,” Luno said, “or why couldn’t you find it yourself?”

  Vlactron’s eyes narrowed and his tail switched angrily.

  “Or maybe only a Zorgoochi was meant to find it?” Luno asked, tapping the side of his nose.

  Vlactron seethed with anger at Luno. Then the two of them turned to the decanter containing the Golden Anchovy resting on the far end of the catwalk. They turned back to each other and a wide grin grew on Vlactron’s crooked mouth.

  At the exact same moment, both Luno and Vlactron bolted toward it. Luno took the stairs three at a time as Vlactron thundered across the narrow platform.

  Vlactron got there first and picked up the decanter. He unscrewed the lid and ripped off his glove, exposing a horrible reptilian claw.

  “You cannot stop me from fulfilling my destiny!” he bellowed.

  Luno raced across the platform, then leapt into the air, but Vlactron swatted him away with his tail.

  Luno quickly recovered and used every pizza-making move Roog had ever taught him. Chop! Slice! Spin! But Vlactron held on to the decanter tightly as his claw chased the terrified Golden Anchovy around and around the sloshing water while warding Luno off.

  Luno feared harming the Golden Anchovy, but knew that a universe without it was far better than a universe with only Quantum Pizza, so he did the only thing he could think of.

  Luno drew his leg back and, with all his might, kicked the bottom of the decanter, sending it into the air. He toppled off the platform and landed on a massive pile of pizza dough with a squish.

  Agape, both Luno and Vlactron watched the decanter spinning above them. As if in slow motion, the Anchovy tumbled out and Vlactron reached over the railing as far as his arms could stretch, but it wasn’t far enough. The Golden Anchovy was about to hit the floor.

  Luno ran directly under the Golden Anchovy with his hands open above his head and looked up, determined to catch it. But he slipped on some dough.

  The room was silent as Luno hit the floor, landing on a pile of dough. Then he let out a loud resounding bluuurp.

  Instead of catching the Golden Anchovy, Luno swallowed it.

  “You foolish human!” Vlactron roared, bounding toward the stairs, the platform reverberating with every step. “I am going to rip it out of you with my bare claws! The Golden Anchovy belongs to me!”

  Luno backed up, screwed his eyes shut, and dug his fingers into the pizza dough. He tore off a hunk and kneaded faster than he ever had in his life. As Vlactron’s boot hit the first step, Luno gulped hard and performed the Zorgoochi Pizza Toss, sending the dough spinning into the air toward Vlactron so fast it was just a blur.

  Bull’s-eye! It hit Vlactron right in the knees, knocking him head over tail into one of the massive vats of pizza dough.

  “Aaarrrggghhh!” Vlactron shouted, his cyber eye rolling up into his head as the dough swallowed him up like a giant calzone of death. “You cannot stop me, Zorgoochi! I will possess the Golden Anchovy! It is my destin…”

  GLOOP!

  “Hey, Luno!” Chooch shouted, as he and Clive ran up to him. “Are you okay? We heard lots of noise and somebody yelling and—”

  “I’m fine,” Luno said, rubbing the top of his head and clutching his chest. “I…”

  Luno’s head felt all tingly and his lungs felt funny.

  “I…” Luno tried to talk again, now short of breath and light-headed.

  Chooch placed his hand on Luno’s shoulder as Clive scanned him with his device, attempting to determine why Luno appeared to be malfunctioning.

  Then it dawned on Luno as he sat down on the floor: the Golden Anchovy!

  He lay on his back, trying to comprehend that he was about to have the same mystical experience his great-great-great-great-great-grandfather Solaro Zorgoochi had so many years ago.

  Luno could feel the energy of the universe surging through him. He understood that the Golden Anchovy was just raw power and it all depended on what it was used for, so he flooded his mind with positive things: peace; love; a nice hot pizza, fresh out of the oven.

  Okay, Luno thought. Here it comes.

  But nothing.

  “Um, are you okay, Luno?” asked Chooch.

  “Ri ro ro,” Luno managed to say through a swollen tongue and waves of nausea.

  “QUANTUM HAS BEEN DEFEATED!” a voice shouted as a cheering crowd burst into the pizza prep room. “Pizza is saved!”

  They walked up and gathered around Luno, Clive, and Chooch.

  Zoola choked back a gasp when she saw him lying on the floor. “Luno…”

  Connie pushed her way through to the front.

  “What did you do to my baby?!” she shrieked, kneeling next to him, stroking his hair.

  “He swallowed the Golden Anchovy,” Chooch explained.

  “Stand back, everybody!” Geo shouted, emerging from a forest of legs. “The power and might of the Golden Anchovy is kicking in!”

  Connie felt Luno’s pulse and then put an ear to his chest. Then she quickly took out an allergy pen from her purse.

  “The power and might of your son’s seafood allergy is kicking in, you gagutz!” she said, pulling the cap off with her teeth and sinking the needle into his leg.

  Everyone silently watched Luno just lie there, wheezing and turning purple.

  Connie held Luno’s hand, and Geo’s tiny hand clasped his other one. Then Luno’s parents held hands and watched over their son.

  After an agonizing minute, Luno’s eyes fluttered open and he inhaled deeply. He coughed a few times and Connie sat him up. Everyone let out a collective sigh of relief.

  “How are you, son?” Geo asked, reaching up and patting him on the back.

  “Ahm oo-kay,” Luno replied, catching his breath. “I tink da swelling’s goin’ down.”

  “Are you hungry, sweetheart?” Connie asked. “Because I think I have some pizzelles in my bag.”

  “No tonks, Mom.” Luno sighed.

  After a few more minutes, Connie helped Luno to his feet. His color returned and he was breathing normally again.

  “I don’t get it,” said Luno. “I swallowed the Golden Anchovy and nothing happened!”

  “Dat iz becauze it vas fake.” Roog appeared in the doorway, holding up the very much alive and happily glowing Golden Anchovy, in a tomato sauce jar. “I have real vun.”

  Roog entered the room followed by dozens of Arthropods, warily aiming their weapons at him, ready to strike if he made a move to harm anyone.

  “Hello Roog.” Quattro sneered as he passed the Mozzarella Monks. “It’s been a long time.”

  Roog looked down and grunted hullo.

  “How’s the claw?” Tre glowered.

  Roog ignored them and marched on.

  “We found him in a cell when we were releasing the rest of Vlactron’s prisoners.” Xoboz marched up to Geo and saluted. “He insisted on talking to yo
u.”

  “Oh, so now that Vlactron’s been defeated,” said Luno, “you want to come back to our side?”

  “Roog,” said Geo. “How could you betray us?”

  “We treated you like one of the family,” Connie said, holding back tears.

  “Pleeze tell leetle bugs to vithdraw veapons, Mr. Z,” Roog asked. “And I vill hexplain.”

  Dad gave Xoboz a nod and he ordered his troops to stand down. Roog approached the Zorgoochis.

  “Eet ees true I vas on Wlactron’s zide,” Roog sighed. “But dat vas many years ago.”

  Roog explained that after Solaro retired from traveling the galaxy on his mission of Peace, Love, and Pizza and founded Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza, he hired Roog. Not long after that, he took on a promising young apprentice, an eager Reptilicon named Vlactron.

  Solaro taught the apprentice everything he knew about pizza, and his talented pupil learned quickly. Solaro even considered passing his pizzeria and eventually the Golden Anchovy on to Vlactron when he retired.

  But what Solaro didn’t know was that this bright, hard-working, and seemingly loyal student was only interested in one thing: the Golden Anchovy.

  While Vlactron worked down in the kitchen, he confided in Roog his grand plans of one day taking over Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza and turning it into a franchise throughout the Mezzaluna Galaxy, and ultimately the universe, making him the most successful and powerful pizzeria owner ever.

  All he needed was the Golden Anchovy.

  “At dat moment,” Roog regretfully confessed, “I svitched allegiance to Wlactron. He promise me position of right-hand man vhen he took over pizzeria.”

  Solaro started to become suspicious of Vlactron when he began to ask less questions about pizza and more about the Golden Anchovy. It didn’t take very long before Solaro changed his mind about who he would leave his pizzeria to. His son.

  When Solaro told Vlactron he wasn’t giving him the Anchovy, but rather that he hid it, Vlactron stormed off vowing he would someday destroy Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza, possess the Golden Anchovy, and rule the universe.