Always Red

by Isabelle Ronin

  I watched as Caleb sat at table six with the big crowd that had just come in. I shook my head at her.

  “I’m okay, Crys. Thanks.”

  “All right. Holler if you need anything.”

  I straightened up and pulled my shoulders back, even as tears pricked my eyes.

  I’m strong. I’ve always been strong. I can do this.

  “Hi. I’m Veronica, and I’ll be your server tonight. Can I start you off with something to drink?”

  I watched as one of the girls in the group got up and sashayed toward the guy sitting beside Caleb. She bent down and whispered something to the guy, flicking her blond hair over her shoulder as she eyed Caleb like a piece of candy. The guy grinned at her and stood up, offering her his seat. She winked at him in thanks and moved the chair closer to Caleb before sitting down.

  I glanced at Caleb. He leaned back in his chair, his arms on the table as he stared at his watch. I noticed that his hands, clad in black motorcycle gloves, were formed into fists. His jaw was hard. I realized he was trying not to look at me.

  “There you are, final—Hey, sweetheart, it’s you!”

  My head quickly turned at the familiar, obnoxious voice. It was Justin. I was so focused on Caleb that I hadn’t noticed him.

  “Yo, dude, Caleb! Your ex is here!” Justin hollered across the table.

  I gasped as Caleb pushed the table with force, rising to his feet. “Shut the fuck up,” he whispered, a warning in his tone.

  The group fell silent.

  And then Caleb turned and walked toward the exit.

  “Excuse me,” I choked out and fled the scene.

  My hands shook as I took off my apron and went to the back. Relieved to find Crystal there, I told her I needed fresh air and asked if she could take care of table six for me. She looked at me with sympathy and told me to take fifteen.

  I ran to the back exit off the kitchen, cupping my mouth with both my hands to keep my whimpers from escaping. I sat on the ground, burying my face in my arms as I cried. When I heard the door open, I didn’t stop. I couldn’t.

  “Hey, Angel Face.”

  I sobbed.

  “Hey, come on now. It’s okay.”

  I felt Damon’s arm around my shoulders, awkwardly patting my back. I let out a few breaths and calmed myself, wiping my cheeks with my hands.

  “He was inside,” I told him.

  “I know. I saw.”

  “He looked at me like I was a stranger. He hates me. I…” My voice trailed off as I saw a figure walk in front of us.

  The back door faced the bar’s parking lot. And there in front of us stood Caleb. He looked at us for a moment, his gaze lingering on Damon’s arm around my shoulders before he walked away.

  I stood up, taking a few steps toward him. “Caleb.”

  He paused, standing in the dark as he waited for me to speak.

  I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I held my breath when, finally, he turned around to face me.

  “Having fun?” he asked, his face devoid of any emotion.

  Oh, Caleb.

  “No.”

  I wanted to run to him, to beg him to take me back, but he was so cold now. He had never looked at me like that before.

  It stopped me like a blow to the heart. And I just…froze. The words that I had practiced over and over melted on my tongue. Nothing came out.

  “I’ll see you around. Veronica.”

  I watched him get on his motorcycle. He revved the engine angrily, once, twice. He stayed there for a few moments, as if he was waiting for something. He rubbed his face with his hand, put on his helmet, and then drove away.

  I broke down.

  * * *

  When the knock sounded on the door, I grabbed my blanket and covered myself, pretending to sleep. Just as I had expected, the door opened.

  “I know you’re still up.”

  It was Damon. He held two steaming mugs in his hands.

  “I have hot chocolate. Kar said you have to drink it or she will pour it down my throat.”

  I sighed. I pushed off my covers and sat up, not meeting his eyes. He came into the room and handed a mug to me. “Here.” He sat on the floor, leaning against my bed.

  “Thanks.” The mug was piping hot, but I took a sip of the scalding chocolate anyway.

  “I don’t know how you do that without blowing on it first. You just…drink it like that?”

  I shrugged, then remembered he wasn’t facing me. “Yes. I don’t like it lukewarm,” I answered. “I’ve always liked it really hot.”

  He shivered. “So you must like the feeling on your tongue when it gets burned. You know, that sort of dry, sore feeling, like a bunch of needles are pricking it?”

  “Not really,” I replied. “But the pain’s worth it.”

  He nodded. Silence filled the room, but we were both comfortable with each other’s company now.

  “If something is really good, the pain is worth it, yes?” he asked.

  I inhaled sharply. I knew where this was going. I had been forcing myself to not think about what happened tonight. If I did…

  “Angel Face,” he started, looking up at me with serious big, blue eyes. “I’m sorry for what happened tonight.”

  Every time I remembered the cold look in Caleb’s eyes, I wanted to scream and cry.

  “Don’t blame yourself for everything. Look. I don’t blame you for how you reacted that night when you left him. Lockhart had a friend who needed him that night, but he also had a girlfriend waiting for him at home. I know what you’re thinking. If you can’t trust him to do the right thing in a situation like that, then how can you trust him in worse situations?”

  Damon let out a loud sigh and continued. “Are you supposed to ignore your feelings, keep them inside just because you don’t want to lose him? Girl, I tell you.” He blew on his drink, then took a small sip. “If you do that, you’re going to start resenting him, and it will destroy your relationship.”

  He bowed his head. When he spoke again, his voice was thicker. “Everyone has fears they keep tightly locked inside themselves.” He turned to look at me now, searching my face. “But that doesn’t make you weak. We judge ourselves too easily when we do something wrong, but you know what’s the most important thing?”

  I shook my head, and he gave me a soft smile. “It is how you get up after you’ve fallen. How you fix things and how you still find the courage to keep fighting, even after you have been hurt. How you face the wrong things you have done and make them right again. Yes?”

  I nodded.

  He stood up and tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

  “Pretty Angel Face. You feel guilty for hurting him, and that’s okay. But don’t give up yet. Don’t forget all the good things you shared together because someone has tried to break you apart. He’s hurt. And he might have the wrong idea about you and me after tonight. I can talk to him if you like. But he needs you. Go to him.”

  I followed him with my eyes as he walked to my door. “Good night, Angel Face. Sweet dreams,” he said softly. Then closed the door as he left.

  Chapter Four

  Veronica

  I rested my arm on my forehead, covering my eyes from the sun. Thick white clouds floated in and out of my sight. I could smell the green grass, feel the coolness of the ground beneath my body.

  Letting out a sigh, I closed my eyes. Perfect time to nap. I should feel content. It was a beautiful day, after all.

  But my heart hurt.

  I felt something beside me, but I didn’t move.

  “Hey, Red. Why so serious?”

  My eyes snapped open. Heart beating madly, I turned my head.

  “Caleb?”

  He was lying beside me on the grass. His eyes, clear and so green, gazed at me with that familiar naughty glin
t. His hair, bronze and thick, glinted in the sunlight. The wind picked up, and a lock of his hair fell, covering one of his eyes. He smiled.

  “Hi, Red.”

  I held my breath, my hand slowly reaching out to smooth the hair from his face.

  “You’re here,” I choked.

  “I never left.” He covered my hand with his, pressing it to his cheek. “I’m waiting for you.”

  He leaned his face closer to mine and licked my cheek. And then my nose. And the rest of my face.

  What the hell?

  “Woof! Woof! Woof!”

  “Burp! Oh, come on! How many times are we going to have this discussion? You do not wake people up. Especially pretty girls you have never met before.”

  Damon?

  I suddenly became aware of a heavy weight on top of me. When I opened my eyes, a goofy-looking white Lab blinked at me happily, pink tongue licking my face.

  “Woof!”

  “All right, that’s it!” Damon scolded, sounding embarrassed.

  The dog disappeared. Wiping the dog drool from my face, I sat up.

  “I’m sorry. This is Burp, by the way. My mom’s dog.” Damon looked apologetic. He held the Lab at the foot of my bed, while the dog whined and gave me sad eyes. “He knows how to open doors and loves to wake people in the morning. It’s kind of his thing.” Damon shrugged apologetically. “He just woke up Kar.”

  Uh-oh.

  I heard the clanging of pans and swearing in the kitchen. Apparently, Kara wasn’t a morning person when woken up by a dog. Damon winced, looking a little scared.

  “Well, I better go before Kar blows up.” He pulled Burp to the door. “My mom baked croissants this morning and asked me to drop them off for you and Kar. I’m really sorry about Burp.”

  I raked my fingers through my hair, catching a knot. “Thanks, Damon. Nice meeting you, Burp. I can’t believe you named him Burp.”

  Burp barked happily when he heard his name.

  “I was going to name him Fart.”

  I chuckled. “Really? Why am I not surprised?”

  He rubbed the tip of his nose with his thumb, grinning. “How are you?”

  “I’m okay, Damon. Thank you. Really.”

  He nodded. “Let me know if you need anything. Let’s go, Burp.”

  The dog plopped on the floor, refusing to move. I smiled as I watched Damon shake his head, nudging Burp through the door.

  When they left, I dropped back on my bed, letting out a long sigh. I felt guilty dragging Damon into my mess when he was just being a good friend.

  Another dream of Caleb. Another piercing stab in the chest.

  Today. I will talk to him today.

  Easier said than done, I reflected, my chest tightening at the memory of Caleb’s cold eyes. Forcing myself to stop thinking about it, I climbed out of bed and followed the smell of coffee and the mouthwatering aroma of freshly baked bread to the kitchen. I usually woke up hungry, but this morning I had no appetite.

  I found Kara in the kitchen, pouring coffee into a mug.

  “Good morning,” I greeted her, walking to the cupboard to grab a mug.

  Kara was usually grumpy or quiet in the mornings, replying in snarls or grunts and monosyllables until she had a few hits of caffeine. After getting her fix, she’d be a flurry of energy.

  She grunted, looking sleepy and irritated as she stood in front of the sink and stared out the window. She sipped her coffee quietly.

  “I met Burp,” I said.

  “Uh.”

  I poured hot water in my mug, dumping a green tea bag into it. “How did those two get in?”

  “Huh.”

  I waited. It usually took two cups of coffee for her to wake up. I smiled to myself as I watched her blink, the glaze of sleepiness and irritation in her eyes disappearing as the caffeine woke her system. This must have been her second cup. “Damon knows where I keep the key to the apartment,” she replied.

  “He does?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Why?”

  I probably shouldn’t have asked. It was none of my business, but I wanted to focus on something else besides Caleb. I would go crazy if I didn’t.

  “Why? This”—she waved a croissant in my face—“this is one of the many reasons.” She took a bite, moaning. “God. Antoinette’s croissants give me a foodgasm every time. Have one.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not hungry.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “You’re always hungry in the morning. Oh no, don’t tell me you had a nightmare about Beatrice-Rose.”

  I wish. It would be better if my nightmares were about her. At least I wouldn’t have this gaping hole in my chest every time I woke up.

  I didn’t answer.

  “You know, Ver, I’ve been thinking. Beatrice-Rose kind of smells like a toilet,” Kara mused. “A toilet that didn’t completely flush.”

  I chuckled.

  “You know, I’m all about you and Caleb making babies, but come on! Tonight is your exam, isn’t it? Did you study?”

  “I’ll review more today.”

  “Professor Layton doesn’t give extra credit or projects. You know that. You can’t fail this exam. It’s 50 percent of your grade,” she lectured.

  I watched as she swallowed the last of her croissant, pulled out Pop-Tarts from the cupboard, and tossed them in the microwave.

  “Hey, maybe you can be a stripper if you quit school. That’s not a bad idea. Strippers make loads of money. I can be your pimp. Sixty forty? That’s not a bad deal. I’ll help you come up with a name. Hmm…let’s see.”

  When only two seconds remained on the microwave timer, Kara pulled it open. It drove her crazy to hear the beeps.

  “How about Lolita? Strippers don’t have last names, right? How’s Felicia?” she continued.

  When I didn’t answer, she walked toward me and covered my hand with hers. “Ver,” she said, her eyes full of sympathy.

  I felt like crying again.

  “If I decide to become a stripper, you can manage my schedule. I promise.” I gave her a reassuring smile. “I have to study, so I’ll see you later, okay?” I squeezed her hand and headed back to my room.

  I forced myself to review for a couple hours, not really absorbing anything. I took a quick shower, blow-drying my hair and taking the time to apply makeup. Powder, mascara, and lip gloss—check. Red tank top and favorite jeans that made my butt look extra sexy—check.

  I was going to Caleb’s apartment, and assuming that since he was back in town, he would be attending his classes again. I’d wait for him there. Glancing at the clock, I noted that it was almost ten. I knew his class was usually over at twelve today. If I left now, I would get to his apartment before he did.

  He might not feel the same way about me anymore, but I’d find a way to make it up to him. And if he still didn’t want me back…I’d know at least I tried. At least I showed him how much I wanted him back in my life, that I was willing to fight for him. Even if I was too late.

  Because he was worth it.

  I was a mess when I got to his apartment. I knocked, and I wasn’t surprised when there was no answer. I wouldn’t dare go in after what happened last night. I had hurt him, enough that he wouldn’t show an ounce of emotion toward me. Caleb was never one to keep his emotions inside, but last night he had.

  Maybe he really doesn’t feel anything for you anymore.

  No, no. That wasn’t true. He still felt something for me. I knew it. I had to believe that he still did.

  I leaned against the wall outside his door, sliding down and sitting on the carpet. And waited.

  One hour passed. Two, three, four.

  He wasn’t coming.

  I felt the threat of tears. Pulling my legs against my chest, I pillowed my face on my folded arms.

 
Why didn’t I just call him? Or text him? I was so stupid…but every time I dialed his number or started texting him, I couldn’t follow through.

  I wanted to talk to him in person. I wanted him to know how important he was to me. I wanted to see his face. I had seen my mom cry over the phone, begging my dad to come back so many times. So many damn times I had lost count.

  Suddenly, I looked up and saw the blinking light on the elevator screen, indicating that it was moving up.

  I held my breath. My heart pounded against my chest as my gaze focused on those doors. And then they opened.

  Caleb was leaning against the wall of the elevator, looking up at the ceiling. He looked exhausted…defeated. My heart constricted in my chest. I wanted to run to him, to pull him against me and never let go.

  And then he straightened and stepped out.

  His steps faltered when he saw me.

  I held my breath, waiting…waiting…

  Please…

  He stared at me, his eyes intense as he took a step forward.

  And then he was walking fast toward me. I couldn’t move. All I could do was wait for him. He stopped an arm’s length away.

  We stared at each other.

  “Red,” he whispered.

  I cried. And then suddenly, he was shaking me.

  “Miss, are you okay?”

  I blinked up and saw Paul’s kind face staring down at me.

  Another dream.

  This was hell.

  “What are you doing in the hallway, miss?”

  I swallowed my nerves. I couldn’t tell him that I didn’t live in the apartment anymore because he might kick me out. I was sure Caleb hadn’t told them about the change in my living arrangements yet.

  “Oh. I was just waiting for Caleb.”

  He looked at me like my head was leaking beer, but he didn’t comment. I could hear him muttering as he walked back to the elevators. Before he disappeared, I heard the words cuckoo and crazy pills.

  Feeling embarrassed, I pushed up from the floor. It was almost three o’clock, and if I didn’t leave now, I would miss my exam. I would just have to come back to see Caleb.

  Where was he?

  I was huffing and puffing by the time I reached the floor where the exams were being held. I had less than five minutes before the doors to the exam room closed. I half walked and half ran, suddenly stopping in my tracks when I saw Caleb in front of me.