Always Red

by Isabelle Ronin

  This wasn’t a dream anymore, was it?

  He saw me at the same time. He was wearing his red jersey. Even from a few feet away, I could see the sweat glistening on his face, on his sculpted arms. He stood in front of a drinking fountain, his arm on his mouth like he had been wiping it but froze at the sight of me.

  I stared at him.

  He stared at me.

  Time stood still.

  And then I saw it.

  The hurt in his eyes.

  Oh, Caleb. I’m so sorry.

  “I’m going to close these doors in ten seconds, Ms. Strafford. Are you coming in or not?” Professor Layton’s voice echoed in the hallway.

  Caleb’s arm fell to his side. He turned his gaze away and started walking toward me.

  I stood frozen in my spot, holding my breath.

  And then…he walked past me.

  * * *

  I felt light-headed as I exited the exam room. I had no idea if I’d passed, and I’d felt like crying during all three hours of it.

  Was Caleb still here?

  I had to check. Taking a deep, calming breath, I headed to the gym. The exam had been three hours, and it was dark outside now. The hallways were silent as a tomb, cold even, and it must have been colder outside. My steps echoed in the long, deserted hallway.

  I was so lost in thought that I didn’t notice the two guys walking close behind me. I inhaled sharply, feeling scared and angry. I stopped, looked behind me, and glared at them.

  “What do you want?” I demanded.

  They stopped, looking surprised—at my acknowledgment or hostility, I wasn’t sure. One of them was tall, with a medium build, while the other was short but wide and heavily muscled. If I tried to run, they would just catch me. I reached for the knife in my pocket, gripping it just in case. The short guy smiled at me, handing me a piece of paper.

  “How much? Call me tonight, babe.”

  And then they left.

  What the hell?

  I narrowed my eyes as I watched them suspiciously. When they disappeared, I opened the note and found a name and phone number scrawled on it. I crumpled it and threw it in the trash.

  I felt discouraged when I saw the dark and empty gym. Maybe Caleb was back at the apartment now. It was past seven o’clock, but I knew he would still be up. He usually went to sleep late.

  The wind picked up as I trudged to the bus stop. Three guys stood inside the bus shelter smoking, so I didn’t go in. They should know better than to smoke inside it, let alone on school premises.

  “Hey, babe. Heard you like it rough,” I heard one say.

  I frowned. Surely he wasn’t talking to me.

  “How much for a night? I love that picture of you, although it would have been better with you naked, wouldn’t it?”

  What?

  Before I had a chance to turn around and make sure he wasn’t talking to me, the bus arrived. I dismissed them and boarded the bus. It would take me an hour to get to Caleb’s.

  It doesn’t matter. I can’t stand Caleb feeling hurt anymore.

  Any fear that he had no feelings for me had been erased when I saw the look of hurt in his eyes as he stood in the hallway. When I got to Caleb’s building, Paul shook his head at me.

  “He’s not back yet, miss.”

  I swallowed my disappointment. “Thanks, Paul.”

  He nodded at me, looking at me with sympathy. Feeling dejected, I wondered if I should go up and wait for Caleb in his apartment. Or would he be angry that I had invaded his space after what I’d done?

  When I reached his apartment door, I debated whether I should enter his access code or wait outside. It was probably better to wait outside. I slid against the wall and sat on the carpet.

  Then the elevator doors opened. I froze. Just like my dream, I thought, my heart pounding. But this time, it wasn’t a dream.

  I turned my head, feeling disappointed as I watched a beautiful woman walk out of the elevator. She wore a peach-colored dress and an expensive coat. Her high heels didn’t make a sound as she walked like a queen through the carpeted hallway. Her hair, bronze and shiny, was tucked in a chignon.

  Could she be the tenant who lived across the hall from Caleb? But when she walked closer, I realized she looked familiar. Caleb had shown me a photo of her on his phone once.

  Caleb’s mom.

  Oh my God.

  I remembered Caleb mentioning he would take me out to dinner to meet his mom. But that wasn’t happening anymore, and I doubted his mom would appreciate knowing that I was waiting outside his apartment like a stalker.

  Swallowing my nerves, I pushed myself up off the floor, praying silently that she wouldn’t stop and ask what I was doing in the hallway. I lowered my head and proceeded to the elevator.

  Please ignore me.

  She did. When the elevator doors closed, my shoulders sagged in relief. When my phone alerted me to a text message, I almost jumped.

  Damon: Your boyfriend is back at the club. Come get him.

  I called Kara right away.

  “Kar? I need your help.”

  Chapter Five

  Veronica

  Getting primped by Kara was like preparing for battle. Her weapons were laid out tidily on the bathroom counter: a palette of eye shadow and different types of brushes were lined up like soldiers, and tubes of lipstick and powders stood like tanks.

  “Now sit, Ver, and let the master take over,” she said confidently, pulling up her sleeves and surveying my face. “Just close your eyes and let me make you more gorgeous than Cinde-fucking-rella at the ball. When I’m done, Lockhart will be on his knees, shoving that glass slipper on your dainty feet. Can you hear him begging yet?” She chuckled. “Cuz I sure can.”

  I trusted Kara. I really did, but when I felt the pat, pat, pat of her fingers on my cheeks, the different kinds of creams she slapped on my face, the soft whisper of brushes on my skin, and the creamy feel of lipstick on my lips, I was scared.

  “Kar. Please. Just the red lipstick.”

  She scoffed and, to humor me, played Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” on her iPhone. “Oh, puh-lease, I’m a black belt at this, Ver. You’re going to worship the ground I walk on once you see yourself.”

  She started dancing, raising her arms and swaying them in tune with the music. “This is what I’m going to tell that asshole Cameron once he wakes up from his stupid Sleeping Beauty slumber and starts chasing me. Wait for the lyrics, wait for it…”

  She belted out the rest of the lyrics, screaming at the top of her lungs how he won’t stop calling and she’s k-kinda busy. When she was done, she rested her hands on the back of my chair.

  “Okay, ready? In three, two, one.”

  She whirled my chair around so I faced the mirror. I blinked at my reflection. I looked beautiful. I felt beautiful.

  “Well?” she asked, eyebrow raised.

  “You’re a miracle worker,” I whispered. “I’ll build you an altar and worship you.”

  “I know, right? I’m Catwoman, and my whip is my cruelty-free makeup, baby. Rawr. Now squeeze your ass in that red dress, and let’s go get your man back.”

  “Thank you.” I hugged her.

  “Now don’t forget that trick I taught you. Bite your lip, blink slowly like in the movies, and flick your hair over your shoulder like an invitation, ya hear?”

  “Yes, master.”

  “Good. Let’s go.”

  * * *

  The club was dark, with glowing lights and music that pulsated in my ears. The smell of spicy food and sweet drinks hung in the air. I was wearing the red bandage dress, high heels, and the red lipstick I had on that night I met Caleb. That night he saved me.

  Tonight, I was going to save us both.

  If he would let me.

  My heart lurched when I sp
otted Caleb sitting with the same crowd from last night, except there were two girls sitting beside him now. One of them placed her hand on his shoulder.

  Don’t touch him!

  He was wearing an open black leather jacket over a white V-neck shirt and dark jeans. A drink sat on the table in front of him, and he stared at it as if it held all the answers. He didn’t look like he was having a good time or even paying attention to the people around him. Maybe he was planning on leaving soon.

  Don’t leave.

  Not yet.

  Not without me.

  When the blond leaned toward him suggestively, jealousy coursed through my veins.

  Caleb hadn’t seen me yet.

  My heart was pounding. I didn’t like attention and usually hid or ran away when strangers paid attention to me, but one look at Caleb and I knew there was no way I would back out of this.

  Memories came drifting back to me: the day he drove us to the country and bought us soup, pizza, and ice cream, and we kissed under the moonlight. He told me how beautiful I was.

  “I figured we’d be silly today, maybe pretend to be someone else.”

  “Who should we be?” I asked.

  “Anyone,” he had whispered. “Mine if you want.”

  Yours. I want to be yours, Caleb.

  A new song came on. It was “Blind Heart” by Cazzette.

  I strutted to the middle of the dance floor, raised my arms sensuously, and closed my eyes. I imagined Caleb’s eyes on me.

  I shut everything out and began to sway my hips. I took a breath and opened my eyes, looking directly—only—at him.

  At the only boy who had ever really owned my heart.

  My heart pounded against my chest as slowly…slowly…slowly…he lifted his eyes and found mine.

  His eyes widened in surprise. He sat up straight, alert now, turning his seat to watch me closely.

  I slid my hand down my neck, swinging my hair to one side as I moved my shoulders and hips to the rhythm of the music. I leaned back a little, running my fingers through my hair as I moved my body with all the sensuality I had.

  The blond tried to catch Caleb’s attention again.

  I strutted toward him, our gaze still locked. I flipped my hair over my shoulder, giving him a sassy smile.

  And just like the first time we met, I came up to him, hooking my arms around his neck. His eyes—so clear and green, just like in my dream—looked at me with intensity. He was so beautiful, it hurt my heart to look at him. He stood up, snaking his arm around my hips.

  For one electrifying moment, we stared at each other. I could feel his hard body against mine, smell his masculine scent.

  “Hey, baby.” I said it softly, my heart thundering in my chest. “He’s with me, aren’t you?”

  His eyes darkened as they studied me.

  “Where have you been?” I asked, just like he had asked me when we first met.

  Did he remember?

  I leaned close to him, my lip almost brushing his ear. I felt him shiver. “I’ve been looking for you my whole life,” I whispered, just like he had whispered to me a long time ago.

  It was his turn to answer.

  I held my breath. Whatever he said now would determine if he had forgiven me or not. If he still wanted me or not.

  A small smile flitted on his lips as he whispered, “I’ve been waiting for you.”

  I felt like crying.

  “Caleb…”

  His palms cupped my face, his thumbs brushing away my tears. “I remember,” he whispered, smiling down at me. “I asked you the same thing when we first met.”

  “Yes,” I choked.

  “Pancakes?” he murmured, his eyes filled with an emotion so intense and sincere, it filled my throat with longing.

  “Pancakes,” I answered.

  Chapter Six

  Veronica

  We were back at the beach. It was past midnight, and the place was deserted, as if it had been waiting for us all day.

  As if it had been waiting for this moment.

  We lay on the sand, on the same blanket he’d brought when he took us here the very first time. It seemed like a long time ago. Before, he would have reached for my hand, threading his fingers through mine.

  Not this time.

  I turned onto my side so I could look at Caleb. His eyes were closed. The breeze blew a lock of his bronze hair against his forehead, and I wanted to brush it back so badly.

  “I miss you, Caleb.”

  He didn’t respond. His eyes remained closed, but I knew he heard me because I saw his breath catch in his chest.

  I had hurt him badly, and he was probably still angry at me. He must hate me, but I would rather have that than a cold shoulder.

  I needed to explain. I needed to tell him what I really felt.

  I took a deep breath, gathering courage. “All my life I had to work hard to get the things I wanted. To reach the places I needed to be. I had to be strong—stronger than most people. Because I had to be. I shut out everyone. And why not?”

  I rolled onto my back and looked up to the dark velvet sky, at the bright half-moon and the stars glittering like diamonds. It was so beautiful, so peaceful with the sound of the lapping waves. But a storm was brewing inside me.

  “People are selfish,” I continued. “They always want something from you, and when they get it, they leave. So I never let anyone in. But then…I met you. You made me feel. You made me want things that I never allowed myself to want before. And it scared me. It scared me so much. So I didn’t trust you. I didn’t allow myself to. Every time I felt myself getting close to you, I pulled away.”

  “Why?” he asked, his voice low and quiet.

  “Because…because it hurts to hope for the impossible. How can someone like you want to know someone like me? All I have is a suitcase of sad stories and a broken heart. My walls are high and impossible to break down, and I won’t let anyone in. But I felt your warmth…seeping through the cracks. How did you know where to find me?” My voice broke. “No one else ever worked to find me, Caleb. No one else stayed long enough to even try”—I felt a tear slide down my cheek—“until you.”

  I sat up, pulling my legs close to my chest and burying my face in my arms. I felt him sit up and move closer to me.

  “I didn’t trust what you felt for me,” I admitted. “I was scared. I kept waiting for you to disappoint me. Everyone else did. And I think that…that…somehow there’s something wrong with me. Something missing. That I’m not enough to make you stay, that somehow, someday you’re going to get bored with me and leave.” I sobbed. “All my life, my dad told me it was my fault. That I was the reason for all the bad things…” I swallowed. I didn’t want to talk about him. I didn’t even know why I’d mentioned him.

  “I wish he was in front of me so I could hurt him,” Caleb said. “More than he hurt you.”

  I heard the anger in his voice. He paused for a moment, and I could hear him breathing slowly, trying to calm himself. When he spoke again, his voice had softened.

  “Red,” he whispered. “Do you know how I felt when you left me?”

  I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. The emotion I saw in them—the intensity and the tenderness—filled my throat.

  “I felt ruined. You ruined me. There is anger, but every time I see you, my anger fades away. And there is pain, but what is love without pain? Because, Red, every time you break me apart, you put me back together. And I always come out better than before. So.” He cupped my face, stroking my cheek with his thumb. “Ruin me.”

  I sobbed, then bit my lip to stop more from getting out. When he opened his arms, I sank into them and let the tears fall. He pulled me onto his lap, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He held me so tightly, I could barely breathe.

  “I’m sorry I hurt you,” I said
. “I didn’t mean any of the hurtful things I said. I only said them to protect myself. I was being a selfish coward. I was afraid of getting hurt. But hurting you only hurt me—hurt us. I didn’t trust you enough.” I sobbed, soaking his shirt with tears. “I’m sorry, Caleb.”

  “It’s all right, Red. If I could change what happened that night, I never would have left you. I’m sorry that I did.”

  “You were being a good friend, and she—”

  “Shh. I want to explain.”

  I let out a sigh, my arms tightening around him. I felt him take a deep breath, stroking my back for comfort—for mine as much as his.

  “I already told you what happened that night, but I let you go before I told you everything. And for that, I failed you and I’m sorry, Red. I fell asleep, and in my dreams, I was kissing you, but when I woke up”—he paused, his whole body tense—“Beatrice-Rose was on top of me. She’d taken off her top.”

  I took in a sharp breath.

  “I pushed her away. She’s only a friend, and I would never want anyone but you. Just you, Red.”

  He kissed my hair. I rested my cheek on his shoulder, silently urging him to go on.

  “So I left her and came home to you. Trust is very important to me. My parents didn’t have enough of it to make their relationship last. I didn’t want that for us. So when I asked you if you trusted me, your answer meant a lot to me. And I knew you didn’t.”

  “Caleb—”

  “Shh. Listen, baby.”

  He waited until I relaxed before he continued. “I let my pain and my pride control me. I wasted so much time. I never should have left town. But I wanted you to realize how much I mean to you. I wanted you to fight for me. So I stayed away. You don’t know how many times I desperately wanted to drive home and beg you to come back to me. I drove myself insane. I don’t want scraps anymore. I want everything. All of you. You have to know. How can you not know? You are the most important person in my life. Look at me,” he pleaded.