Forbidden Passion

by Ruth Gogoll

  Kim was speechless.

  “It was your idea in the first place,” Sonja said, almost apologetically. “I thought perhaps you ought to be involved in the implementation as well.”

  “I . . . I’d be thrilled,” Kim finally managed to say, amazed. “I’m sure we could make it work. I could probably be available ten percent of the time, maybe. Or twenty. I’ve been acting in Rolf’s stead all along, really, and the team is functioning well. They can get along without me for a day now and then.”

  “I thought so, too. Good. It’s settled. I’ll make the request.”

  “Then I’ll finally get out into the fresh air once in awhile,” Kim said with a chuckle.

  “There is such a thing as too much fresh air, too.” Sonja sighed. “Constantly out of the office and on the road, that’s really not my thing. But it’s necessary. Next week, all that starts up again for me, now that I have the concept ready.”

  “Then you can still rest up over the weekend.” Kim smiled. “Gather your strength.” It was Friday; the cafeteria had been half empty when they arrived, since many people chose to go home early on Fridays rather than eat lunch at work.

  “Yes.” Sonja answered very tersely. “Next week is going to be hard.”

  “If you like, I could start on Monday, even if the requisition hasn’t gone through yet. I’m sure that would be fine.”

  “That would be great, if you have the time. I don’t think it’ll be a problem, either. The reorganization has top priority. I generally get everything I want.”

  “I had that impression myself . . .” Kim smiled crookedly again.

  “Kim.” Sonja gave her a stern look. “Must I remind you . . .?”

  “No, you mustn’t. I didn’t mean it that way. I meant the project, of course.”

  “Yes.” Sonja was still looking at her very gravely. “And that’s how I understood it.”

  Kim would gladly have gazed into her eyes for longer, but Sonja averted her face and studied the salt shaker on a neighboring table.

  Why does she do that? Kim thought. First, she pushes me away as a colleague, and now she’s pulling me back. Our lunches – fine, that’s one thing. But working together again, all day long? Even if it’s not every day?

  She truly couldn’t make sense of Sonja’s behavior. On the one hand, she seemed to want distance, but on the other hand, she seemed to be taking advantage of every opportunity to spend more time together.

  That Friday was a work day for Kim like any other. She didn’t go in early, as many of her colleagues did; rather, she stayed late. It was dark when she left the building and drove home.

  She’d found a parking place which wasn’t always so easy to do, since most of her neighbors came home earlier than she did. She was walking along the sidewalk to her apartment building when she stopped short.

  She knew that car. She went up to it and looked in the side window.

  “Sonja?”

  Sonja rolled the window down. “You’re getting home really late.”

  “Uh . . . yeah.” Kim didn’t know what to say. “I always do.”

  “I . . .” Sonja hesitated. “I need to talk to you.”

  “Here? In the car?” Kim was confused.

  “No, I. . . let’s go upstairs.” Sonja closed the window and got out of the car.

  Kim looked at her, astonished. Sonja walked ahead to the door and waited for her. Kim practically had to pinch herself in order to get out of her amazed mode and into a walking mode. She was still incredibly surprised.

  They climbed the stairs in silence. Kim unlocked the door and let Sonja in.

  “Would you like –” She started to offer Sonja a cup of coffee, even though it was probably a bit late for that.

  Sonja wrapped her arms around Kim’s neck and kissed her. “You have to be clear that this can never be more than an affair,” she said as she let go of Kim. “I’m married, and I’m always going to be married. Always. Do you understand?”

  Kim still felt Sonja’s lips against her own. The kiss had been sweet, but not passionate. Kim hadn’t been able to react at all.

  “I . . . Sonja . . . what’s this about?” she asked, perplexed.

  “Don’t you want this?” Sonja asked in return. “Haven’t you wanted it all along?”

  “Yes,” Kim admitted. “Of course I do.” She hesitated slightly. “Actually, no. To be honest, I don’t. I never wanted an affair. That’s . . . well, it doesn’t usually bode well as a starting point.”

  “I can’t offer you anything else.” Sonja hesitated. “I just thought, because . . .” She looked at the floor. “. . . because you showed so much interest, that maybe you . . . But if I was mistaken, I apologize. Please forgive me.”

  Kim shook her head slightly. “You weren’t mistaken in regards to my . . . interest. I told you that I love you. A person can hardly have more interest than that.”

  “I . . . Kim . . .” Sonja looked up. “I can’t forbid you to . . . love me, but please don’t say that to me. Never again. It . . . I can’t give you what you expect in return.”

  “You mean you don’t love me?” A cold hand clenched around Kim’s heart. But what had she expected?

  “I –” Sonja wrung her hands. “I can’t answer that. However, I thought . . . well, I thought it could work without that.”

  “Without that?” Kim just wanted to shake her head. “Without love, you mean? At least as far as you are concerned?” She looked solemnly at Sonja. “That means you’re offering me a purely sexual relationship, did I understand that correctly? Without love and without obligations.”

  “I . . . I’m married,” Sonja repeated quietly. “I have an obligation that I can’t ignore.”

  “A marriage doesn’t have to be forever. Unless, of course, you believe the Catholic church, which I don’t. Do you?”

  “No.” Sonja shook her head slowly. “I don’t.” She took a step backwards. “But my marriage isn’t up for debate here – and definitely not for disposition. If you make it contingent upon that, then I’m sorry.”

  “Why are you here?” Kim asked. “What did you have in mind?”

  “You know my powers of imagination aren’t very keen,” Sonja replied rather dryly. “I was working from my experience.”

  “Your experience with . . . men? Did it ever occur to you that a woman might react differently?”

  “To be honest, no. Until now –” Sonja broke off.

  “Until now, you’ve never had this problem with a woman, I know,” Kim said, just as dryly as Sonja before. “And the men – did it always work out with them? After offering a no-strings-attached affair, each and every one just went for it?”

  “That sounds like I jump from one affair to the next. It’s not like that.”

  “In any case, they obviously didn’t turn down your . . . indulgences, as you call it, or else you wouldn’t have assumed that it would work the same with me.”

  “Yes, for God’s sake!” Sonja raised her voice angrily. “They didn’t turn me down. Why should they? Or do you find me so unattractive? I certainly had a different impression earlier.”

  “Which was absolutely correct,” Kim said calmly. “I find you very attractive.”

  “No man demands love in order to have sex,” Sonja said coolly. “They don’t need it.”

  “But I need it,” Kim said. “At least with you. There have been women where it was different, but you . . . you’re very special to me. I wish you could feel the same way about me.”

  “It is something special. If for no other reason than you’re a woman and because I’ve never –” Sonja collected herself. “But if it won’t work, then it won’t work. I always insisted you had to hold yourself back, and now you’re doing exactly what I demanded of you. I can’t blame you for that. It was my mistake.”

  “It wasn’t a . . . mistake. A misunderstanding, perhaps, but not a mistake. I mean . . .” Kim ran a hand through her hair. “I mean, I would be very happy if we . . . if we were to get tog
ether. I –” She looked at Sonja. “I yearn for you. I dream about you. You’re everything I wish for.”

  Sonja examined her face. “Why can’t it work, then?” she asked softly. “Let’s give it a try.” Again she wrapped an arm around Kim’s neck and pulled her close. “I yearn for you, too,” she whispered.

  Her lips rested gently against Kim’s, and Kim was reminded of how she had kissed Sonja in the car that time, while Sonja slept. That hadn’t been fair, either. She had taken advantage of the situation. How could she reproach her for this now?

  And aside from that – her body showed her the way. It reacted to Sonja’s touch, to Sonja’s kiss. It wanted more.

  She leaned forward and ran her tongue cautiously over Sonja’s lips.

  Sonja sighed. She opened her lips wider to grant Kim entry.

  Kim explored Sonja’s mouth and in the touching she experienced sweetness like a river that flowed warmly through her entire body. She wrapped her arms around Sonja, pulled her closer and felt how Sonja’s softness sent her reeling. Every sensible thought in her brain vanished.

  “Sonja . . .” Kim whispered again and again. “Sonja . . .”

  Sonja pressed against her, closer and closer. Her hands ran up and down Kim’s back, gliding under her shirt and caressing her bare skin.

  Kim moaned. Her hands sought Sonja’s bottom, then wandered lower and pushed up her skirt.

  “No.” Sonja stopped caressing Kim. “Please don’t.”

  For a second, a memory flickered in Kim’s mind and vanished again. “What’s wrong?” she whispered, brushing Sonja’s cheek with her lips. She could feel Sonja’s skin glowing.

  “I . . . Wait. Not like that,” Sonja answered haltingly. “I’d like to . . . shower first.”

  Kim took a deep breath and let her go. “Of course. However you like.” She smiled. “That’s probably a good idea. It’s been a long day. May I shower with you?”

  Sonja looked at her. The corners of her mouth twitched. “Why not?”

  Kim followed her to the bathroom. On the way Sonja let her suit jacket fall to the floor and started opening the buttons of her blouse. When they had arrived at the bath, she pulled down the zipper of her skirt and slipped out. Now she stood in front of Kim in just her panties and a bra.

  Kim couldn’t hold back; she embraced Sonja from behind and kissed the nape of her neck. “You’re wonderful,” she whispered in her ear. “You’re simply wonderful.”

  Sonja pressed briefly up to her. “Take your clothes off. Or did you want to get in the shower dressed?”

  Kim laughed. “No.” She let Sonja go and undressed quickly, while Sonja, naked by now, stepped into the shower.

  Sonja turned on the water. It ran over her body as if she were the Venus de Milo arising from the flood.

  Kim gazed at her like a never-before-seen uncharted wonder of the world. She was so beautiful, so unbelievably beautiful. Her chestnut brown hair fell across her bare shoulders as if it meant to weave a cape for her.

  “Come on.” Sonja smiled gently. “I didn’t think I’d have to invite you twice.”

  Kim felt awkward. She pulled herself together. “Me neither.” She joined Sonja in the shower.

  The water pattered on her back as Sonja slid back slightly. It was warm, but not warm enough to compete with the heat welling up in Kim’s body.

  Sonja reached a hand out to her. “Will you lather me up?”

  Kim stared at her hand with the soap bar, then looked up and felt overwhelmed by Sonja’s naked beauty. “I don’t know if I can,” she said hoarsely.

  “Try. Or should I start with you –?”

  Kim reached for the soap. “No, let me.” If Sonja had touched her right then, she didn’t know what would’ve happened.

  Sonja turned around, and Kim ran the soap over Sonja’s shoulders, her back, her arms; at her waist, she slid to the front, over Sonja’s belly and up to her breasts. Then she dropped the soap. She glided with just her hands over Sonja’s body, spreading the lather.

  Sonja began to writhe under her touch and sighed softly. She leaned back, to draw closer to Kim, spreading the soap through her movements across Kim’s breasts and belly.

  Kim felt the arousal growing more and more in the painfully taut tips of her breasts. “Sonja,” she whispered.

  Her hands encircled the soft curves of Sonja’s breasts, lifting them gently, appreciating the weight, then letting them slowly sink down again, wandering higher and feeling the hard little gems at their centers pressing back against the palms of her hands.

  Sonja moaned and pressed herself more into Kim. Her bottom pushed against Kim’s thighs, leaving no more space between them. “Kim . . .” Her whisper was no more than a breath in the steam.

  Kim slid up and down over Sonja’s nipples; the soap made it possible to stimulate those small peaks uninterrupted. Just the surface, nothing more.

  “Oh, God!” Sonja moaned loudly.

  She was pressing so hard into Kim that Kim stumbled backward into the wall. She held Sonja tight and kept rubbing just her nipples, while Sonja’s bottom gyrated in her lap.

  “Kim . . . Kim . . .” Sonja’s voice trembled. “Please . . . please . . .”

  “Please what?” Kim whispered in her ear. She nibbled at her earlobe and let it go again.

  “Please . . . please . . .” Sonja repeated, helpless.

  “All right, my darling.” Kim let one hand rest on Sonja’s breast, still running the thumb over the nipple, and let the other hand wander lower on Sonja’s body. She enjoyed every inch of the way, because she could feel Sonja’s skin pulsing as if a tiny power plant were humming away inside her.

  Sonja separated her thighs as Kim reached the triangle at their tops, opening the way for her.

  Kim felt Sonja’s folds beneath her hand and placed her fingers there, softly touching the topmost edge of her labia.

  Sonja moaned in agony, resting her head back against Kim’s shoulder. “You’re driving me . . . crazy,” she breathed laboriously. Her thighs were trembling.

  “That’s what I want,” Kim whispered back. “You’re so beautiful when you’re crazy.” She kissed Sonja on the nape of her neck, bit her tenderly there, and at the same time, slipped one finger into the opening between her legs.

  Sonja cried out softly.

  Kim could feel how wet Sonja was. That wasn’t from the shower. Between her thighs, she was wide open, and her labia seemed to keep swelling more beneath Kim’s fingers. Kim’s belly tugged yearningly at her; she wanted to make love to Sonja until she finally understood what love was. But that was hopeless.

  For a moment, reality took over. What did she think she was doing? What had she gotten herself into? Was this at all what she wanted?

  Then Sonja sighed again and hot lightning shot through Kim’s legs. She could no longer think, only feel. “You are so sweet.”

  Her fingers thrust deeper and deeper into Sonja. Sonja only moaned, thrusting her hips downward to take more of Kim into her. “Come . . .” she whispered. “Come . . .”

  Kim let go of Sonja’s breast and encircled her waist, since she was afraid Sonja would soon be unable to hold herself up as her movements grew ever wilder. With her thumb she sought Sonja’s pearl. Sonja moaned. “Yes!” she cried. She froze in place for just a moment, and then began to writhe in Kim’s arms ever more passionately.

  Kim concentrated on the little knob, which grew larger and harder.

  “Oh . . . yeah . . . come . . . yeah . . .” Sonja moaned, writhing out of control. “Good . . . good . . . come on . . . good . . .” Her voice was raw, aroused to the extreme.

  Kim held her tight; Sonja was so slick with lather that she kept sliding out of Kim’s embrace, but she managed to hold her.

  “Oh . . . now . . .” Sonja moaned. “Now!”

  Kim’s thumb danced wildly across Sonja’s pearl; her fingers thrust into her more and more, deeper and deeper.

  “Yeahhh!” Sonja went stiff, gasped, panted for air. Her
breath caught. A moment later, it resumed. Her breathing was even and labored; thoroughly exhausted.

  Kim felt her go very limp in her arms. Sonja slipped out of Kim’s arm, down to the shower floor.

  Kim sat down next to her.

  Sonja was breathing heavily. “Oh my God!”

  “Nice?” Kim smiled.

  Sonja opened her eyes, which she’d had closed for some time now. “Nice?” She smiled wanly. “You have to ask?”

  “Asking never hurts.” Kim grinned.

  “I would have to be a very good actress to fake that,” Sonja said. “And I’m not.”

  “Have you . . .” Kim cleared her throat. “Have you done that before: faked it?”

  “Yeah, sure.” Sonja seemed utterly unfazed. “Every woman has. Sometimes it’s all you can do.” She looked at Kim. “Granted, it doesn’t take that much effort.” She curled her lips into a disparaging smile. “All men need is a little moan. Then they think it’s over.”

  “Phew!” Kim exhaled. “I didn’t really want to know that much.” She stood up and offered Sonja her hand.

  “Why did you ask, then?” Sonja allowed Kim to pull her up.

  “You’re right.” Kim sighed. “It just seems so odd to me –”

  “You mean, you’ve never . . .?”

  “No.” Kim shook her head. “It’s really never been necessary.” She laughed. “I can hardly imagine it.”

  “You mean, between women, it . . . always works?”

  “I don’t know why it shouldn’t,” Kim said. “If you’re responsive to your partner’s wishes . . .” She thought of Jo and her experience in the Darkroom. Perhaps she ought to retract her statement? No, that had been something different. And she hadn’t faked anything. She’d simply left.

  “If you’re responsive to your partner’s wishes . . .” Sonja repeated thoughtfully. She looked at Kim. “Then what are your wishes right now?” She smiled a bit cheekily.

  “Um . . . I . . . Just rest,” Kim replied, taken by surprise. “There’s no rush.”

  “I know what you want.” Sonja pressed Kim against the wall and knelt before her.