Forbidden Passion

by Ruth Gogoll

  “What are you talking about?” Sonja was still staring in disbelief. “I was in the office all evening. Until well after midnight.”

  “You weren’t in your office at nine.”

  “Of course I was.” Sonja looked angry. “Maybe I got up for a quick cup of coffee or to use the restroom, but other than that, I never left my office.”

  Kim took a deep breath. “Why are you lying, Sonja? What don’t you want to tell me?”

  Sonja’s eyebrows drew together. “What is this about?” she asked coldly. “What are you trying to imply? Are we going through all that again?” She took a deep breath. “After your last attack of jealousy, I told you I wouldn’t put up with another one. Have you forgotten?”

  “I’m not implying anything. I saw you with my own eyes,” Kim said wearily. “Is there another woman? Or another man? Who lives on Michelbergring? Where did you go?”

  “I didn’t go anywhere!” Sonja raised her voice. “You’ve never been satisfied with our affair,” she said, controlling herself with an effort. “I know you’ve never accepted it, even though we never discussed it again. Is this your way of ending it . . . this affair that you never wanted? Do you want to leave me? Then come out and say so. You don’t need to make up stories to get rid of me. I’ll go on my own.” She stood up and left the cafeteria, striding briskly and not looking back.

  Kim didn’t even try to stop her, although she felt the impulse to; she just watched Sonja go.

  Was this it? Had Sonja just been looking for an opportunity to end the affair and place the blame for it on Kim? So that she wouldn’t be the guilty party?

  So that she could turn her attention to someone else?

  ~*~*~*~

  Sonja.

  Kim had neither seen nor heard from her in the days following their altercation. Radio silence.

  Every time the phone rang, Kim looked hopefully at the caller ID, but it was usually a customer or a colleague, sometimes Jo or Jennifer, but never Sonja.

  And why should it be? She’d gotten what she wanted. She was rid of Kim.

  Kim leaned back in her office chair with a sigh and stretched her arms above her head. Should she call? She remembered all too well what Sonja had said that time in Kim’s apartment. That she was giving her one last chance . . . the very last chance.

  But the jealousy that had caused such a rift that time had been unfounded . . . rather halfway unfounded, since Sonja was, in truth, sleeping with her husband. This time the facts were clear: Sonja possessed the key to an apartment here on Michelbergring, and she had kept it secret from Kim. Whom the apartment belonged to, why Sonja went there, why she couldn’t or wouldn’t tell Kim about it, how long this had been going on – Sonja told Kim none of it.

  We’ve only been together half a year, Kim thought. Has love flown so quickly? She sighed. What love was there, really? Sonja had never claimed to love Kim; she had, in fact, denied it. She’d offered Kim a no-strings-attached affair because that didn’t require love; because she, Sonja, couldn’t give Kim more than that. She never lied.

  Yes! Yes, she has! Kim smacked the table and stood up, looking out the window. Sonja had lied about the apartment. Lying by omission was still lying.

  Kim laughed bitterly. What a cliché! The married woman and the lesbian. And in the end the wife went back to her husband – as it always was and always would be. The lesbian had no chance against the socially recognized institution of heterosexual marriage.

  When Jennifer and Jo got married, they would be partnered, as they called it so nicely, but they were still far from being seen as married in the eyes of the law. Not like they would be if they were a man and a woman.

  But would it have done any good if Kim were a man? She frowned. Sonja’s problem wasn’t with a new marriage, it was with the old one. She kept herself afloat with affairs, because for some reason, she couldn’t dissolve her existing marriage. She didn’t seem to want a divorce.

  She or her husband. But even that was no longer a hindrance. A person could qualify for divorce by living apart for a year – Sonja would simply have to move out.

  Had she done that, perhaps? Was the new apartment on Michelbergring her new apartment?

  But then, why hadn’t she said so to Kim? They could’ve met there, in the new apartment only a few minutes away from Kim’s workplace. It would’ve been easy to spend their lunch breaks there together, to have much more time together. Unobserved.

  Kim took a deep breath. Obviously, Sonja hadn’t wanted that, or else she would’ve invited Kim.

  Kim leaned her head back and closed her eyes. Whenever she did that, Sonja appeared. Sonja, smiling at her . . . Sonja, glaring at her like she’d done the last time . . . Sonja, lying in bed . . . or on the forest floor . . . naked . . .

  Kim opened her eyes again. There was no sense in this. She’d never get away from Sonja this way. And if Sonja didn’t want her, didn’t want her anymore, then that’s what she needed to do. She had to forget Sonja.

  “Kim?” Rolf Winkelmann stood in the doorway. “Did you work on that Mr. Kurowski’s complaint? I don’t have it in my files.”

  Kim tried to pull herself together and stop thinking about Sonja. “No . . .” She cleared her throat. “Marietta took care of that, I believe.”

  “What’s going on?” Rolf looked at her thoughtfully. “Is something bothering you? The last couple of days you’ve barely been approachable.” He came toward her. “It doesn’t have anything to do with me, does it? I’m fine; you don’t have to worry about me. I’m already looking forward to the Camargue.” He smiled confidently at Kim.

  “No, it –” Kim swallowed. “It has nothing to do with you. I’ll ask Marietta –”

  She wanted to step past Rolf, but he held her back. “Don’t try to kid me, Kimmie. When you started here, you were acting this same way, but back then, I didn’t know you so well. I thought maybe you were having difficulty with your orientation, because this was so completely different from what you had done before. But your orientation is long over. Are you afraid of the responsibility, when I’m gone? I can’t imagine that. But I know the date’s getting closer, and then, of course –”

  “It really has nothing to do with you, Rolf.” Kim looked him directly in the eye. “I can see that you’re doing well, and I know things won’t change all that much when you’re gone – except, of course, that I’ll miss you.”

  “Your income will go up.” Rolf grinned. “Considerably. If you had a family, I’d suggest that you might want to start thinking about buying a house.”

  Kim sighed. “Yes, if I had a family . . .”

  “Is that what’s bothering you? That you don’t? You can come visit Margit and me anytime, you know that. You can spend your whole vacation with us, if you want; you can even bring people with you. We’ll be happy for any company we get, since we’re going to be living way off the beaten track.”

  “You found a house?” Kim looked at him curiously.

  “Yes, I think so.” Rolf smiled, as though he could see the house and the gorgeous Camargue landscape before him now. “It’s half ruined, but that suits me just fine. Then I’ll at least have something to do. And Margit will plant a garden, grow fruits and vegetables. Maybe we can even keep a few animals. It’ll be an honest-to-goodness farm!” He laughed. “Geese, ducks, chickens – you name it.”

  “Lovely.” Kim couldn’t concentrate on Rolf’s narrative; once again, Sonja’s face had appeared before her. Sonja’s lips, shaped for a kiss at first, then muttering angry words. It ran like an infinite loop in her head.

  “What happened between you and Sonja?”

  Kim was startled. “What . . . why do you think something happened?” She returned to her chair and sat there, acting as though she needed to sort through the files on her desk.

  “You two used to eat together all the time, you were busy with her project half the week – but now, all of a sudden, that’s stopped. Did you have an argument? What’s going on with you?”
/>
  “Oh, nothing . . . nothing important,” Kim said quickly. “A difference of opinion on the project. She wants to continue without me.”

  “Hm.” Rolf tipped his head to one side. “Sonja said the same thing.”

  Kim’s head shot up; she gaped at Rolf. “You asked her?”

  “I ran into her recently. Otherwise I hardly see her anymore. She’s always out and about. But when I saw her, it seemed to me that her mood mirrored yours. You two seemed similar that way.”

  “Did we?” Kim asked sarcastically. She couldn’t imagine that Sonja wasn’t doing well; she was entirely free from worries – in contrast to Kim.

  “Oh, yes. You always have. When she was doing well, you were, too. When you were doing poorly, she didn’t look very happy, either. I know things aren’t entirely smooth in her marriage, and at first, I attributed it to that, but Sonja’s marriage could hardly have anything to do with you. So it has to be something between the two of you.”

  No, I definitely don’t have anything to do with her marriage, Kim thought and almost sighed. It’s the same, with or without me. “It’s nothing. You’re imagining things. The project is coming to an end, and she simply doesn’t need me anymore, that’s all.”

  “That isn’t all,” Rolf said, “but I’ll respect the fact that you don’t want to talk about it. Nor does Sonja, obviously. At least you agree on that.”

  “Seems that way.” Kim examined her desk thoroughly.

  “Whatever goes on with you women . . . We men will never understand. One day, best friends; the next, you hardly say a word to each other. Doesn’t that get a little tiring?”

  “Yes, it does.” Kim almost had to laugh. “You’re right, it’s nonsense, behaving this way. I’ll talk to Sonja.”

  “Do that. I think that would be better.” Rolf raised a hand in mock salute and left the office, to ask Marietta about the complaint he was looking for.

  Kim became even more pensive than before.

  Yes, if only it had been just that: a fight between friends.

  But it wasn’t.

  ~*~*~*~

  Kim yawned and looked at the clock. Good grief, it had gotten late again. Why didn’t she just set up a bed in her office?

  She stood and massaged her lower back. Spending practically the whole day sitting wasn’t healthy. Her spine creaked and groaned like an old woman’s. She ought to get more exercise.

  But when? She simply was too busy with work. How was she supposed to squeeze in the time for a trip to the gym or an hour’s jog in the woods?

  Woods . . . crap. Yes, it had been nice in the woods . . . with Sonja. Saturday was just around the corner, and it had been a Saturday when they – no, that was over. She ought not to think about it. Sonja hadn’t called again, and despite what Kim had promised Rolf, she hadn’t spoken to Sonja, either. When she had lunch with Jo, they went to the regular cafeteria. Kim knew how punctually Sonja’s stomach announced itself, so she always made sure they’d go to lunch after Sonja would be finished with hers. So it was guaranteed that their paths would never cross.

  It was over and done. Sonja didn’t call, and that was a clear sign that she was making good on her threat. If she yearned for Kim, the way Kim yearned for her, she only had to pick up her telephone to tell her.

  Kim’s eyebrows arched of their own accord. She yearned for Sonja, and she wasn’t picking up the phone either. Therefore Sonja’s behavior could hardly be considered as unambiguous as she was making it out to be.

  But Sonja was the one who had walked out. She made the decision, not Kim. So only she could revoke the decision.

  Kim gathered up her things and shut down her PC. Enough for today. Truly, it was enough.

  A few minutes later, she rode the elevator down to the ground floor. She had parked outdoors, because she’d made a quick trip to the shopping center after lunch. She left the office so late in the evenings that, even with the later hours they kept these days, all the stores were already closed.

  Key in hand, she approached her car. It was quite calm at that hour. Although the Ring was heavily trafficked during the day, that changed abruptly after ten o’clock at night. As if they’d rolled up the sidewalks.

  She looked around to make sure that no driver had blundered onto the uninhabited street at just the right time to run into her door when she opened it.

  Sonja! Damn! She was walking along the opposite side of the street, a good distance away.

  Kim hesitated for only a second, then took off running. Mindful of Sonja’s reaction the last time Kim had touched her from behind, she ran around Sonja and stopped in front of her.

  Sonja stopped short and glared at her.

  “I’m sorry, Sonja,” Kim said, abashed. She sought Sonja’s eyes, which bore a very strange expression. “I didn’t want this. It was wrong of me.” Again, she attempted to interpret the expression in Sonja’s eyes, to read them, but she couldn’t. She took a deep breath. “Please, forgive me.” She looked around once more. “But what are you doing here? Please, just tell me. I won’t hold it against you.” She gave Sonja a look that pleaded for forgiveness.

  Sonja just kept looking at her as though she didn’t recognize her. “I live here, if you must know,” she replied sharply. “And now I’m calling the police. Honestly . . . I never would’ve thought I’d be the victim of a stalker. I thought that only happened to other people, celebrities and whatnot, not a little supermarket manager like me.”

  “Supermarket manager?” Kim stared at her, astonished. “Since when –? Sonja . . .”

  “Sandra,” the other woman snapped. “I really have no experience with stalkers.” She laughed softly. “Now I’m even telling you my name.” She examined Kim’s face. “But I’m sure you already knew it.”

  “Sandra?” Gradually Kim was getting the feeling that perhaps she’d come across a multiple personality in Sonja. “Why . . . Sandra? Sonja . . .”

  “Whoever this Sonja is, who you seem to be confusing me with, it’s not me.” She swept past Kim and went on.

  After a moment of shock Kim caught up to her and walked beside her. “Sonja . . . you . . . you live here? Since when? Did you move out of your house?”

  “Would you mind very much leaving me alone already? How long I’ve lived here is none of your business whatsoever.” She quickened her steps.

  “No, but –” Kim was extremely confused. “I thought your husband –”

  “My husband?” She stopped and looked at Kim as though Kim had just escaped from a psychiatric ward. “Wherever you’re getting your information, it doesn’t seem to be a very reliable source. I don’t have a husband.”

  “You don’t . . . have a husband?” Kim stammered. “You’re divorced?”

  “Divorced?” The woman didn’t quite seem to know whether she should laugh or be furious. A look of amusement overtook her face. “I don’t need to bother. I’ve never been married.” She shook her head and continued on her way.

  “Never . . . married?” Kim was talking to herself, since Sonja was long gone. Once again, Kim had to run to catch up with her. “Sonja . . . I . . . I don’t understand.”

  “It certainly seems that way. You don’t understand a number of things. But that has nothing to do with me. Perhaps you should see a doctor.”

  “Sonja . . .”

  “Damn it, stop calling me Sonja! My name is Sandra; it has been since I was born. Go look somewhere else for your Sonja.” She stopped, reached inside her jacket pocket, and pulled out a key. “If you try anything else, I’ll scratch up your face,” she threatened, holding up the key. “I learned that in self-defense class.” She considered Kim for a moment. “Although I did think I’d be using it against a man, if ever I had to do it.” She let the key fall. “You’re obviously confused. You should go home and get a good night’s sleep.” Her voice no longer sounded threatening, but soothing. “Tomorrow, I’m sure everything will look different.”

  Kim stared at Sonja and simply could not believe that s
he would be full of such denials. “Sonja, I . . . I know I hurt you, because I implied that you . . . but why didn’t you just tell me that you live here now?”

  “Why should I?” She laughed dryly. “Was I supposed to put a notice in the paper, or what? The people who have any business knowing about it know that I live here. It could hardly interest anyone else.”

  “It would’ve interested me a great deal,” Kim said softly, “but it’s clear why you didn’t tell me. I just didn’t want to believe it. I –” An expression of hurt was in her eyes. “I love you, Sonja, and that will never change. But from now on, I won’t bother you anymore. I finally understand.” Shoulders hanging, she walked past her, back down the street.

  She’d walked no more than a few steps when a voice stopped her. “What . . . what’s your name?”

  Kim turned around. “Please, Sonja, don’t do this to me. You know my name. Don’t act like you don’t know me. We’ve been sleeping together long enough.”

  The woman raised her eyebrows. “Sleeping together?”

  Kim let out a hollow sound. “You’re making fun of me. But maybe six months isn’t long enough for you to remember. Maybe you can forget that from one day to the next. I can’t. I never will. Please, stop treating me like a moron.” She sighed. “But really, you’re right. Really, I am one. I thought the two of us . . . Only a moron could think that.”

  “Assume I suffer from Alzheimer’s, and tell me your name, please.”

  “You can’t be serious. Alzheimer’s?” Concern crept into Kim’s thoughts. Was that the solution to this puzzle? Sonja was ill? And she didn’t want Kim to know? “Kim,” she said. “My name is Kim.”

  “Kim. Okay.” She seemed to consider something. “Well, I don’t suffer from Alzheimer’s – at least, I don’t know about it if I do –” She laughed softly. “Which, of course, could itself be a symptom of the disease.” She became serious again. “I don’t have Alzheimer’s, and you – I’ll assume – don’t either. And if I accept the premise that you’re not a stalker,” she looked closely at Kim and shook her head, as if she couldn’t believe that, “then you really think that I’m this Sonja.”