Forbidden Passion

by Ruth Gogoll

“Yes, she’s got that going on.” Sandra laughed. “I could sense that even in the brief moment when we all saw each other. I must admit, patience isn’t among my greatest virtues, either. That’s why I can’t wait to solve this mystery. Either we’re related somehow, or we aren’t. That kind of uncertainty drives me berserk.”

  “You must be related. You’re so similar.” Jo grinned.

  “Will you give me her number?” Sandra turned to Kim. “I’ll call her first thing tomorrow.”

  When Kim hesitated, Jo said, “I can give you my office number. If you call there, I can connect you with her. She’ll be in until ten o’clock tomorrow; after that she’ll be out and about.”

  Kim shot Jo an angry glare.

  “This has gone on long enough.” Jo gave Kim an amiable look in return. “You can’t protect her from everything forever.”

  “Protect?” Kim looked surprised.

  “Yes, you do. You’re like a helicopter mom. You want to keep everything away from her that might upset her, but that’s not always possible. She’s an adult. You’re not her mother.”

  Kim felt rather strange. She’d never thought of herself as Sonja’s mother. Sonja was four years older than she was. “Do I really act like that?” she asked, dismayed.

  “Yes.” Jo grinned even more. “You’re so desperately in love with her, it’s almost not pretty anymore. She can do anything she wants, and you just take it. As your friend, I’m telling you: stop it.”

  “Good advice.” Jennifer chipped in her own two cents. “I don’t know her, of course, but I can see what she’s done to you since you’ve known each other. It definitely hasn’t been pretty.”

  “She . . . she couldn’t help it.” Kim squirmed. She wanted to defend Sonja, but on the other hand, she herself didn’t understand why Sonja behaved the way she did.

  “A person can always help it,” Sandra contradicted. “No one is forced to beat other people over the head.”

  “That’s true,” Jo said. “Beside which, Mrs. Kantner can be very diplomatic in her negotiations, you know that as well as I do.” She looked at Kim. “Why doesn’t she do things that way in her private life?”

  “Her private life is none of your business.” Kim was getting annoyed.

  “Maybe not ours, but it is yours.” Jennifer struck an emphatic note. “Your private life is connected to hers. Or do you deny that, too? And that makes it our business.”

  Kim lowered her eyes.

  “Of course not,” Jennifer said. “I warned you about her from the start, remember? Straight women just aren’t a good choice.”

  Kim flinched and looked at Sandra. “I’m sorry. She doesn’t mean it that way.”

  Jennifer’s brow furrowed, uncomprehending, and Sandra laughed. “But she’s right!”

  Kim looked confused.

  “You’re a lesbian, aren’t you?” Jennifer asked Sandra. “I’ve been assuming that this whole time.”

  “Rightly so.” Sandra nodded.

  Kim gaped at her. “You’re a lesbian?”

  “Yes.” Sandra smiled as sweetly as Sonja had done in her most tender moments. “Of course, what did you think?”

  “Um . . . to be honest . . .”

  “To be honest, you thought she was just like Sonja, because she looks just like her.” Jo laughed. “Me, too. I was almost going to ask Sandra if she was married – to a man, I mean.”

  “That’s funny, I thought she was a lesbian all along,” Jennifer said. “Because, after all, she came here to the women’s café with Kim. Straight women rarely do. Or if they do, it’s only for one reason.”

  “For a little sexual adventure.” Kim chuckled. “Preferably with you.”

  “In times past.” Jennifer grinned. “Long, long past. And if they’re looking for that kind of adventure, then they’re not really so straight after all. So I assume there are only lesbians here.”

  “You just don’t know Mrs. Kantner.” Jo looked at Jennifer. “So you didn’t really have the same kind of preconceived notions that Kim and I have, and you could just let your sensors work.” She looked at Sandra. “At any rate, that’s cleared up, and I’m glad things are the way they are.”

  “If I thought there was any doubt, I would’ve said something earlier,” Sandra replied. “I thought it was obvious.”

  “You said at the beginning, you probably never would’ve come to the women’s café without me,” Kim said. “That’s why I thought –”

  “I don’t like this sort of cafés,” Sandra explained. “That’s the reason. Not because I’m not lesbian.”

  Jo clapped her hands. “Susi, would you bring us four glasses of champagne?” She looked around the group and grinned cheerfully. “I think we have something to celebrate.”

  ~*~*~*~

  Sonja wasn’t feeling well. Well, when did she ever? Anything one could call a sense of well-being had been almost entirely unknown to her for quite some time.

  She’d gotten to the office very early in the morning; she’d hardly slept at all. It had been a long time since she felt her home was a place of peace and quiet where she could replenish the energies she used up during the day.

  She missed Kim. It hurt her not to be able to see her anymore, but that had been inevitable. She knew this type of relationship all too well. Kim was an exception because she was a woman, but in the end, it was always the same, after all: jealousy destroyed everything.

  Jealousy, yes. Once, she’d been a jealous person, too. A long, long time ago. That’s why she had tried to ban it from her life. She seemed to have managed, since where there was jealousy, there must be love, too. And she was finished with love.

  She thought about how things might have been. Her thirty-sixth birthday was right around the corner. If Kim had still been there . . .

  No. She couldn’t think that way. A birthday was no reason to rescind a decision . . . just because she was lonely.

  She leaned back in her chair. She was lonely. Had been for a long time. She’d tried to dull the loneliness with affairs, with work, but the feeling came over her more and more. Neither affairs nor work could whitewash her growing awareness of being alone.

  She liked to work long hours. It helped her to keep her thoughts in check, but it didn’t solve her problems. Not the personal ones. How long had she grappled with this already? It seemed like an eternity.

  Young and strong as she once was, she’d never doubted that every problem could and would be solved eventually. Now, though, she was starting to feel old. A weakness was taking hold of her of a kind she’d never before experienced.

  Just a birthday. And not even a particularly important one. But with it, she would pass the middle of her thirties once and for all, on her way to forty. At forty, one was supposed to have one’s life under control, right?

  She took a deep breath. Under control. What was that, anyway? Could a person have something under control that was slipping farther and farther away?

  That’s why she loved her work: she made plans, and even when she couldn’t follow through on every one of them a hundred percent, most of them went very well. And the things that weren’t working so well, she could put on the right track by dint of her own personal effort. If only she could claim that about her own life.

  She stood up and walked around the room. Her life certainly hadn’t gone the way she’d imagined it at seventeen: a husband, two children, a little house with a yard. Honestly, she hadn’t wanted any more than that. Had that been too much?

  She asked herself whether the life she was leading now was all there was. Was there nothing more she could get out of it? Had she used up all her chances? It almost seemed that way.

  With Kim, something had come along that she hadn’t expected. Not so . . . not so deep. The first experience, and everything that had followed from it, had turned a number of things inside her upside down.

  Never would she have thought – no, not never. When she was young . . . when she’d been fourteen . . . she suddenly remembered i
t now . . . and, in fact, even earlier than that . . . in grade school . . . her first teacher . . . she’d been young, young and cute. Early twenties, perhaps. Barely a grown woman. But at age six, she had seemed very grown-up to Sonja. Grown-up and beautiful. A role model for her. But not just a role model.

  She laughed aloud in disbelief. No, that couldn’t be. She was never . . . had never . . .

  She hadn’t, but she’d also blundered into the cycle of masculine desire very early on. She was attractive – she knew she was, because men told her so – and she had to cope with the consequences of that.

  Her mother had never had any sympathy for that, probably because of wounds from the experiences of her own youth. She let Sonja sense that no man Sonja brought home could ever satisfy her mother.

  What would she have said if I’d brought a woman home? Sonja thought, suddenly chuckling. The laugh disappeared. No, her mother was not a woman who would have tolerated such a thing. Even now, she was intolerant of any number of things.

  “Mrs. Kantner?” Jo called in through the open door. “A call for you. Should I put it through?”

  Sonja hesitated for a moment. Jo’s presence reminded her of Kim. Not always, but sometimes. She knew that would never go away, as long as her secretary was best friends with Kim. Every glance from her showed Sonja that she knew much more about her relationship with Kim than Sonja would have liked.

  Sonja went resolutely back to her desk. Work was waiting. She couldn’t neglect it just because her private life was becoming more and more of a nightmare. “Yes, put it through,” she said aloud.

  The telephone rang, and she picked it up and answered.

  “Hello Sonja, this is Sandra,” said a voice that she didn’t recognize as so nearly her own, so it didn’t seem very familiar to her.

  “Sandra?” She frowned. “I don’t know any Sandra.”

  “You don’t remember me? Well, we only met very briefly that once, outside the cafeteria . . . with Kim. I’m the one who looks exactly like you.” Sandra laughed softly.

  Sonja froze. She had wished to avoid being reminded of that encounter, ever, but now it had happened. “I remember,” she said. “We look a bit alike.”

  “That’s what I thought at first, too,” Sandra said. “But meanwhile I’ve determined that we resemble each other more than just a little. And our last names . . . I mean, before you were married . . .”

  Sonja’s expression hardened. “What about it?”

  “Sonja . . .” Sandra laughed once more. “Believe me, I can understand that you don’t want to hear about it. It seemed more than improbable to me at first, too . . . but the same name, the same appearance . . . don’t you think, too, that we could be distantly related?”

  “Related?” In truth, Sonja had never considered this possibility. She figured it all for a joke of nature. “No, I don’t think so.”

  “Do you have siblings?” Sandra asked.

  “I don’t know what business that is of yours,” Sonja replied irritably.

  “I bet you do. I don’t have any, which is why I’d be so glad to meet a cousin my age. Especially if she looks so similar to me.”

  “Cousin?” Sonja shook her head. “This is ridiculous.”

  “Do you really think so?” Sandra paused for a moment. “At first, I thought you might be an extramarital daughter of my father’s. But my father denies it. Perhaps you could ask your mother –”

  “My mother?” Sonja’s horror was clearly audible.

  “Is she really such a dragon?” Sandra laughed. “Well, then, maybe better not. So you don’t think that’s possible? I mean, your mother was young once, too . . . just like my father. It’s hard to imagine, but they were teenagers once. And teenagers sometimes do things that they’d rather not remember later on. That’s how it was for me, anyway. I assume for you, too.”

  “You assume a great deal.” Sonja pressed her lips together to a knife-edge.

  “If assumptions bother you so much, then let’s just get to the bottom of things.” Sandra wouldn’t be deterred by Sonja’s dismissive behavior. “It could only help us both. Either it turns out we really are related – which I think would be nice – or it turns out we’re not related, and then it’s all cleared up, too. You’d probably be happier with that solution.”

  “This has very little to do with happiness,” Sonja said. “I am simply too busy to get involved in such flights of fancy.”

  “It doesn’t pique your interest at all?” Sandra asked. “Really? I just can’t imagine that. I could only ask my father; you’re the only one who can ask your mother. Or ask her some time about other Kruschewskis, maybe she’ll remember my father – not because she ever had anything going with him, but because of the family name. Maybe he’s a cousin of a cousin of a cousin of hers. His first name is Harald.”

  “I will not ask her!” Sonja replied furiously. “My mother doesn’t have time for this kind of nonsense and neither do I.”

  “Why are you being so stand-offish, Sonja? Even if we’re not related, it could be fun to try to find out why we look so similar. Then those genetic tests could finally be good for something.”

  “Genetic tests?” Sonja’s eyes opened wide. “You’re crazy.”

  “Am I?” Sandra shook her head over such lack of understanding. “Kim said you’d refuse. She knows you much better than I do, of course. She was right.”

  “Kim.” Sonja’s jaws clenched. “She set all of this up. I suspected that from the very beginning.”

  “She didn’t set anything up.” Sandra sighed. “You really are a hard nut to crack, I must say. Kim warned me about that, too.”

  “She warned you about me?” Sonja had to laugh against her will, with a bitter undertone. “It’s gone that far? Where is she spreading her stories? On the Internet?”

  “She’s not spreading anything anywhere.” Sandra sighed once more. “She loves you. Don’t you understand that? She loves you very much.”

  Sonja was speechless for a moment. “That’s . . .” she stammered. “That’s outrageous. What incredible cheek.”

  “That she loves you? Is that how you see it?” Sandra inhaled deeply. “I’d say she must have a very thick skin, because she still does love you. I don’t think I could keep that up in the face of such persistent rejection. But you two would know about that. It’s none of my business, after all. I’d just like to know why you and I look so much alike.”

  “That doesn’t interest me in the slightest.” It cost Sonja some effort to recover from the shock that Sandra’s words had triggered.

  “Oh, yes, you are interested,” Sandra claimed. “And if you don’t help me figure this out, I’ll just keep looking into it on my own. I’m not afraid to ask my father again. He beat around the bush a little when he answered, and that makes me suspicious. Maybe your mother would react exactly the same, if you ask her.”

  “I will not burden my mother with this nonsense!” Sonja hissed furiously and hung up.

  ~*~*~*~

  “I’m driving out to see my father again this weekend. I just can’t let go of this mystery,” Sandra announced.

  “Do you really think you’ll be able to find anything out?” Kim asked.

  “He’s keeping something secret.” Sandra frowned. “I’m not used to that from him. He’s the best father a girl could have. We’ve always been good friends. And all of a sudden –” She broke off.

  “You think solving the puzzle is worth jeopardizing your friendship with your father?” Kim asked.

  “I don’t think I’ll be jeopardizing it.” Sandra chuckled. “He adores me . . . and I adore him. I don’t know what could possibly come between us. Even when I told him that I’m a lesbian –” She smiled. “Lots of people would wish for such a harmonious coming out.”

  “And your mother? How did she take it?”

  Sandra sighed. “Unfortunately, she was already dead by then. My father and I have been alone for a long time. But I think it wouldn’t have bothered her, eith
er. She was always so relaxed. Even on her deathbed.”

  “You picked that up? As a child?” Kim thought back on her own experiences.

  “I wasn’t such a small child anymore,” Sandra said. “I was fifteen. Naturally, it was a shock for me . . . for me and for my father . . . but there was nothing we could do, of course. She always told us we needed to go on living without her. It took years. It wasn’t a surprise to us. But nevertheless –” Small tears welled up in the corners of her eyes.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” Kim stood up and went over to Sandra.

  They sat together at Sandra’s small dining table. Since Kim worked in the neighborhood, Sandra had invited her over for an “unspectacular supper,” as she called it. It might have been unspectacular, but it had been quite delicious. Sandra was a good cook.

  Kim positioned herself next to Sandra and stroked her hair soothingly. It was like Sonja’s hair, soft and smooth. “My father died when I was twelve,” she said softly. “Since then, my mother and I have been alone.”

  Sandra raised her face to Kim’s. “Well, then, you understand.” The tears ran down her cheeks, and she brushed them away slowly and carefully. “But they always remain in our memories, don’t they?”

  “Yes.” Kim smiled. “My father was rarely at home, he worked so much that I hardly saw him, but when he was there, it was like fireworks on New Year’s Eve. I loved him very much.”

  “Maybe that’s why we liked each other right off the bat,” Sandra said. “We’ve had similar life experiences.”

  Kim laughed. “You liked me right off the bat? I got a very different impression at the time.”

  “Please, Kim.” Sandra grinned. “What would you have done in my place? But it’s true: I liked you immediately. I have a weakness for . . . how shall I say this? . . . the crazy type. Unfortunately, it’s not a very successful weakness.” She sighed.

  “I’m not actually very crazy. Sonja found me rather –” Kim broke off, but it was too late now. “. . . square,” she concluded.

  “Sonja doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” Sandra said softly. She stood up. Her face was now right in front of Kim’s. “You’re not square.” Sandra whispered. “You’re sweet.” She leaned forward, and her lips touched Kim’s.