Forbidden Passion

by Ruth Gogoll

Sandra nodded. “Since we both have the same hair color, I assume that yours isn’t dyed, either. That simplifies matters.”

  Sonja took a mirror out of a drawer in her desk. She studied herself for a moment, and then twined her index finger around a strand of her hair. With a decisive yank, she plucked the hairs out by their roots and handed them to Sandra. “I assume you’d like to take care of this?”

  Sandra accepted the few hairs and closed her thumb and forefinger around them. “Do you have an envelope, perhaps? Then we could sign and seal it right here. I’ll do the same thing with my hair sample, and then we should probably both go together to put the envelopes in the mail. Otherwise, you could just assume that I sent in two of my own samples.”

  “Yes, that would be best.” Sonja tilted her head to one side.

  Sandra grinned. “You were thinking the same thing, weren’t you? Do we even need to do this test?”

  “It was a logical conclusion that has nothing to do with kinship.”

  “You’d like it better if the obvious were not confirmed, wouldn’t you?” Sandra smiled.

  “Not everything that’s obvious is also true,” Sonja said.

  ~*~*~*~

  “She has to accept it now!” Sandra hollered into the telephone with a laugh.

  Kim didn’t know right away what she was talking about, but after a second, it became clear. “The genetic test?”

  “Yes.” A rustle on the line indicated that Sandra was probably shaking her head. “I wouldn’t have needed it, but she wanted absolute proof.”

  “That’s typical for her,” Kim said.

  Sandra laughed with Sonja’s voice. “For me, too, but in this case – why would my father lie to me? Of course, he kept it secret from me for all these years that I had a sister, but lie to me . . . really lie . . . he never did that.”

  “You’re not angry with him?” Kim asked.

  “In a way . . .” Sandra hesitated. “In a way, sure I am. I can’t really be furious with him because I love him – and I know that he did this out of love – but I’m not a little kid anymore. He should have told me once I was old enough.”

  “To him, you’re probably not so grown up.” Kim smiled.

  “Yes, he thinks I’m still his little girl.” Sandra sighed. “But now it’s out. I’m going to call Sonja right now. We’ll see how she reacts.”

  “Don’t expect too much,” Kim replied quickly. “She’s not –”

  “I know.” Sandra interrupted her, and there was a smile in her voice. “I know how she feels. I’m sorry to say it, but I know better than you do how she feels, because I feel the same thing. I’m just like her.”

  Phew. Kim ran a hand through her hair. This was going to take some getting used to. Now that it was clear that Sonja and Sandra were twins, everything had changed. Although she’d already been convinced that they were related somehow. But twins –

  “I absolutely have to call now. I can’t stand it anymore.” Sandra giggled. “Oh, my God, I feel like a virgin before the first time. I’m so excited, like I’m about to –”

  “I can tell.” Kim smiled. “To be honest, I’m not doing much better.”

  “Do you think this might have an effect on your relationship with her?”

  Kim took a deep breath. “No, I don’t really think so. This has nothing to do with us, after all.”

  “I’m sorry,” Sandra replied sympathetically. “I know how that is.”

  “Have you ever been in love with a twin before?” Kim asked sarcastically.

  “No, but with someone who –” Sandra cleared her throat and broke off. “No. I never have.”

  “Don’t wait any longer, call her. So the issue will finally be clear.”

  “Hasn’t it been for a long time already?” Sandra asked somewhat ambiguously. “Okay, I’ll call her now. Ciao.” She hung up.

  Kim thought about what would happen next. Sandra would dial, Sonja would pick up . . .

  And then?

  ~*~*~*~

  “Oh, man, today has been rough!” Jo groaned when she met Kim for lunch.

  Kim raised her eyebrows inquisitively.

  “You know Sandra called, don’t you?” asked Jo as they went inside.

  Kim nodded.

  “And can you perhaps imagine that Mrs. Kantner wasn’t one to tangle with after the phone call?”

  Kim turned her head to the side.

  “You have nothing to say?” Jo got in line for the buffet.

  “I can’t say anything about it.” Kim sighed. “That’s a matter between Sandra and Sonja. It’s none of my business.”

  “Really?” Jo examined the salads on display and walked on past them. “You like both of them, isn’t that so?”

  “They are . . . I mean, until very recently, I didn’t know that there were two of them.” Kim grimaced uncomfortably.

  “Nobody knew” Jo pointed at a large aluminum pan full of goulash. “I’ll have that, please,” she said to the server behind the counter. “Except their parents, of course,” she added. “Why didn’t they ever tell them?”

  “No idea.” Kim shrugged. “I’ll have the same,” she said to the woman in the white apron, who was handing Jo a full plate, and the woman nodded.

  “They must’ve been pretty serious enemies, if the children didn’t even know about each other.” Jo pushed her plate along the shelf in front of the counter, in the direction of the cash register.

  “Apparently.” Kim followed her with her own tray. “I know absolutely nothing about it.”

  “Sandra didn’t tell you anything, either? I mean, that Mrs. Kantner isn’t saying anything, I get that, she doesn’t talk about things like that, but Sandra must be much more open about it.” Jo looked at the display on the register, pulled some money out of her pants pocket, and handed it to the cashier.

  “It’s amazing that she is. Now that we know that they’re twins.”

  “You always said that Mrs. Kantner was more open at some point.” Jo scanned the cafeteria for an open table.

  “Yes, she –” Kim swallowed. “But not about personal things.”

  They sat down together at the same table. “Oh, no, Helmke!” Jo whispered.

  Kim looked up and saw Helmke coming in; she was alone – and had already spotted Kim and Jo. Downright elated, she stormed across the room, high heels clacking, right to their table.

  “I can sit with you two, can’t I?” She didn’t even wait for an answer.

  That ends any personal conversation, Kim thought.

  “I’m sorry I reacted like that last time,” Helmke said, and both Jo and Kim regarded her with surprise. Had it ever happened, even once, that Helmke had apologized for anything? “It is – a little unusual, you have to admit that.”

  Kim didn’t know what to say. Should she disabuse Helmke of the false impression that Kim herself had given her, or let her go on thinking that her present shape wasn’t the one she’d been born with?

  “Jo told me that you – well, that you prefer not to talk about it.”

  “Ah, did she?” Kim looked at Jo. Jo made a face. “And what else did she say?” Kim turned back to Helmke.

  “Nothing, unfortunately.” Helmke sighed. “She’s much too secretive, I find. We’re all friends, after all. There shouldn’t be any secrets between us.”

  Kim doubted that anyone was actually friends with Helmke. “Now that you know my biggest secret . . . I can rely on your discretion, can’t I?”

  Jo had to work awfully hard to conceal her smirk. She was going to snort any second.

  “But of course!” Helmke replied with utter conviction. “You know me!”

  Exactly, Kim thought. She only hoped that Helmke had picked up on her subtle hint that what she had already told her was Kim’s greatest secret, and wouldn’t steer the conversation around to Sonja.

  “How is Mrs. Kantner doing?” Helmke asked. “She seems a little nervous to me lately.”

  Jo gasped for air in order to stifle the laugh that wa
s trying to burst out of her. “She works a lot, and very hard. She probably doesn’t get enough sleep because of it. People get nervous easily under those conditions. But really, I haven’t noticed that about her. She’s the same as always.”

  “Are you sure?” Helmke asked. “I get the impression she’s kind of shaky.”

  Kim was about to say something, but Jo shot her a warning glance. “She’s a dynamic leader,” Jo said. “They’re always tightly wound. Just look at Suderdorf.”

  “Suderdorf.” The name seemed to set a machine in Helmke’s brain in motion, searching for information. “Yes, he has reason to be nervous,” she said a moment later. The database had provided her with the necessary information.

  “Why?” Jo asked.

  Now Kim gave her a look, one of astonishment.

  “I’m as silent as the grave. No one will find out anything from me,” Helmke said. “I have nothing to do with firings.”

  “He’s going to be fired?” Kim asked surprised. She immediately bit her tongue. What was she doing asking about gossip and scandal?

  “I didn’t say that,” Helmke replied smugly. “But in this company, morals are still worth something, I’m telling you. One can’t just – well, men are just like that, we all know that, but if you’re going to open your fly, you’d better not do it in the presence of your own –female – boss.”

  “What?” Kim’s food almost fell out of her mouth.

  “They had a thing together, and now she’s tired of him and she’s dumping him.” Helmke shrugged. “Apparently he didn’t hedge his bets.”

  “Hedge his bets? What do you mean by that?” Jo asked innocently.

  “Well, there are things a person can do, for insurance,” Helmke remarked confidentially. “Then nobody can throw you out on the street.”

  “I’m sure the idea would never cross your boss’s mind.” Jo batted her eyelashes.

  “He knows better than that,” Helmke replied. “I’m much too valuable to him.”

  Kim thought about Sonja. There had been a time when she had been valuable to Sonja, too, first as a coworker, and then – she would’ve sighed loudly, if Helmke hadn’t been there.

  She yearned for Sonja. When she’d held Sandra in her arms, she’d realized just how much she missed Sonja. If only she could have imagined that Sandra was Sonja, she wouldn’t have gone home.

  Sandra appealed to her in a certain way. Her similarity to Sonja made it impossible for Kim not to develop feelings for her, not to look at her and see Sonja there.

  When she saw Sandra laughing, she saw Sonja’s laugh before her, back then, when she’d laughed so much and so heartily, in the office, when they were only boss and employee.

  Sandra had never lost that laugh, but Sonja had. And she didn’t say why.

  Maybe I ought to ask Sandra what it could be, Kim thought. She said they feel the same things, so maybe she knows, after all.

  Thinking about Sandra triggered a peculiar mood in her. In many ways, Sandra was what Kim had always wished for in Sonja. Sandra was free and unattached, didn’t keep burdening herself with all these enigmatic, insoluble problems – and she was unequivocally lesbian. On top of that, she liked Kim and showed it clearly. Yes, and the most important thing: she looked exactly like Sonja, talked like her, moved like her, arched her eyebrows like her – one almost might think there was no difference at all.

  Why don’t I just get together with Sandra? Kim thought. That would be the simplest thing.

  She shrank from the thought. The solution was being served to her on a silver platter, and yet, she couldn’t accept it. It was impossible. Because as much as Sandra and Sonja did resemble one another, they were different. They had lived different lives. They were not the same person, not remotely.

  She stood up. Jo and Helmke interrupted their conversation and looked at her in surprise. “I . . . I have an appointment.” Kim cleared her throat. “I almost entirely forgot.”

  Jo looked skeptical, as though she wanted to say something, but in Helmke’s presence, that wasn’t possible.

  “Excuse me, please.” Kim quickly distanced herself from the table. She glanced briefly into the executive lunchroom, then walked on into the main building. As she crossed the foyer, she nodded to the young woman currently on duty at the reception desk. Kim knew that she’d recently gotten married to an equally young colleague from IT. The two of them whispered sweet nothings to each other whenever they met.

  Kim and Sonja couldn’t even do that – she balled her fist in her pocket. This state of affairs was completely untenable. She imagined touching Sonja, kissing her, caressing her, cuddling her – but Sonja wasn’t there.

  Kim quickly left the corridor leading to her former workplace. She assumed that Jo would leave her a little bit of time before she came back. Perhaps she was using the opportunity to extract from Helmke the secret of why she couldn’t be fired. Although Kim wasn’t really very interested in that at the moment.

  She crossed the outer office and entered Sonja’s office. Sonja sat at her desk, deep in thought. She wasn’t working.

  Kim stopped a couple of steps in from the door. “Sonja.”

  Sonja’s head jerked up. Apparently she hadn’t heard Kim coming. Her face drew closed. “What do you want?”

  “I know what Sandra told you –” Kim began.

  Sonja interrupted her with a dry laugh. “Who doesn’t?” She turned away. “Why don’t I just put out a weekly bulletin?”

  “I can imagine that all of this isn’t easy for you,” Kim said gently, approaching her desk. “I wanted to offer you my support. If you want it, of course.”

  “Support?” Sonja turned back to face Kim. “For what? Learning to feel like a twin? Do you have any experience with that?”

  “Isn’t it nice, not to be alone?” Kim asked.

  “I’m not alone. I have a brother and a sister; I don’t need Sandra. The whole family circus has never appealed to me, anyhow.” Sonja stood up and distanced herself from Kim, as if she were trying to prevent her from getting too close.

  “Is that why you don’t have any children?” As she said it, Kim wondered why she was asking. Maybe it had been the “not yet” from Sonja’s initial introduction in the conference that had put the idea into her head that Sonja wanted children. They’d never discussed it.

  Sonja froze. She seemed to have retreated inside herself, as she had at the beginning. After a while she said quietly and hesitantly, “I had an accident.” She spoke as though an internal pressure were compelling her to say something she didn’t want to say. “I was pregnant then. The accident caused a miscarriage. Afterward, the doctor said I couldn’t have children.”

  Kim would have liked to take Sonja in her arms and comfort her, since she appeared to need it, but she didn’t look like she would accept that kind of offer. Kim stepped around the desk and approached Sonja. “I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

  Sonja first looked at her for several long seconds. “When would we have talked about that?” she asked, mildly amused. “Between the orgasm in the bed and the one in the shower?” She shook her head. “It had nothing to do with us, not in the slightest. It was years ago.”

  “We didn’t just sleep together, Sonja,” Kim said gently. “I know, you only wanted an affair, but that’s not what it was. For me, it never was only that, and I don’t think it was for you, either.”

  “Not that subject again. We’re done with that.” Sonja went around Kim back to her desk and sat down. “I need to work,” she added in a very terse tone. “Please leave.”

  “I didn’t come here to annoy you. Nor did I come as your former lover.” Kim stepped behind Sonja’s executive chair and considered the back of her neck from above, as it peeked out from beneath the soft cascade of chestnut brown hair. How dearly she would have liked to kiss it. “I’m here as your . . . friend. I think you could use one. The situation with Sandra has upset you more than you want to admit. And I’d like to help you.”<
br />
  “The situation with Sandra . . .” Sonja hesitated, “. . . is harmless,” she went on. “I simply have to learn to get used to the idea. That’s all. It’s not so bad.”

  “You don’t have to be afraid. I won’t spread any rumors, no matter what you tell me. Trust me.” Without thinking about it, Kim rested her hands on Sonja’s shoulders.

  Sonja went rigid under Kim’s loosely placed fingers. “Please . . . don’t . . .” she whispered.

  Kim felt Sonja trembling, more and more. “Sonja,” she whispered hoarsely. She bent down and did what she’d wanted to do all along: She laid her lips against Sonja’s quaking neck and kissed it.

  “Kim . . . I . . . no . . .” Sonja breathed, but she didn’t stir.

  “I’ve been yearning for you,” Kim whispered. “So much . . .” Her lips wandered around toward the front of Sonja’s neck, and her hands slid down over Sonja’s breasts.

  Sonja let herself sink back into her chair. “We . . . This can’t be . . .” she whispered. “You have to understand . . .”

  Kim felt Sonja’s heart pounding firmly beneath her hand. The soft breasts made her fingers tingle. She wanted to touch them, kiss them, sink down into them. She unbuttoned Sonja’s blouse and slipped her hand inside Sonja’s bra, touching the erect nipple.

  Sonja moaned.

  “I can certainly ask Mrs. Kantner.” Jo’s voice carried through the outer office. Apparently she was speaking to someone in the corridor.

  Sonja straightened up frantically and grabbed at the buttons on her blouse; Kim’s head was flung upwards by the commotion in the chair, so that she automatically straightened up as well. The sudden shift made her dizzy, and she was still breathing heavily. She steadied herself against the back of Sonja’s chair.

  “Mrs. Kantner, Mr. Gerlach would like to know –” Jo appeared in the doorway and fell silent. She glanced at Kim and then at Sonja. “I’ll come back later,” she said quickly, turned around, and disappeared into her own office.

  “Oh my God,” Sonja groaned. “How embarrassing.” She turned red.

  “Not at all.” Kim laughed. “You know Jo won’t say anything.” She stroked Sonja’s hair, soothing her tenderly. “Don’t worry about it.”