Forbidden Passion

by Ruth Gogoll

  “Champagne is a good idea,” Frank agreed. His whole face beamed. Then he went over to his sister and hugged her once more. “And you can be certain that this won’t be the last time we drink champagne together. Next time, we’ll drink it with Mama.”

  Jo laughed dryly. “I still can’t see that!”

  “But I can. I see it before me, quite clearly. Even if I have to handcuff her first.” Frank laughed out loud. “She already thinks we perverts do that kind of thing anyway! So she shouldn’t be surprised.”

  Jo stood up. “Frankie, you’re still a little boy,” she scolded. “That’s not how you act around grown-ups.”

  “Oh, my big, big sister . . .” Frankie teased her.

  Jennifer stood up as well. “What a weight this is off my chest. I didn’t know what was pressing down on Jo. I couldn’t get it out of her.”

  “I’m sorry,” Jo said. “You and your storybook family . . . everything seems so simple with you guys. Everyone accepts everyone else, you’re all happy and love each other . . . I couldn’t keep up with that.”

  “Sure you can. At least as far as your brother is concerned.” Jennifer grinned. “Nonetheless, I’m going to give my mother an earful. She could’ve kept me in the loop on this one. As long as we’re on the subject of great family.”

  “She is great,” Jo insisted. “I wish my mother were here, to see that there’s another way.” Again a tear stole into her eye.

  “Don’t think about that anymore, love.” Jennifer kissed the tear away. “We’re a family now, you and I.”

  Frank raised his hand, as if asking to be called on in school. “May I belong to your family, too?” he asked shyly.

  “Sure!” Jennifer laughed. “Has Jo told you yet how big my family is? There are a couple of neighbors in the crowd downstairs, but most of them are family – and Jo married into that. So if you want to belong, you’re going to have to be ready to put up with many, many family celebrations like this one.”

  “I’ll do my best.” Frank laughed.

  As they went down the stairs, Kim let her gaze roam around the room, searching for Sonja. Jo’s problems were solved, at least partially, but her own were far from over.

  Kim saw that Sandra and Sonja were standing and conversing with their father. Anyone seeing that image would’ve taken it for the perfect family photo, two gorgeous daughters with their still-handsome father.

  Looking more closely, however, an observer would realize that Sandra was standing closer to her father and touching him often, while Sonja stood to one side, more like a spectator who wasn’t involved in the scene.

  Sonja looked in her direction as Kim approached the small group. “Is something not right between Jo and her brother?” she asked.

  “No.” Kim smiled. “Everything is fine now.” She turned around and looked at Jennifer, Jo, and Frank, who were already toasting each other with champagne.

  “That was kind of weird,” Sandra said. “The boy was absolutely flustered, kept interrogating us about Jo the whole time, as if we must know her inside and out. When he’s the one who’s related to her, not us.”

  Kim nodded. “Yes, apparently he was really a bit of a mess. But now,” she smiled once more, “everyone’s doing great.”

  “What was the problem?” Sandra asked. “Did they have a fight?”

  “Yes . . . I think . . . something like that.” Kim looked at Sonja. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” Sonja raised her eyebrows, Sandra likewise. Kim groaned. “And could you two please stop that?” Sandra and Sonja grinned in unison. “I guess there’s no point.” Kim sighed deeply.

  “I’d like a glass of champagne, too,” Sonja said. “Shall we go get some?”

  Kim nodded, and they took themselves off to the buffet. “I’m sorry,” Kim said. “Your father’s question rattled me so badly –”

  “I know,” Sonja said. “Me, too.” They stopped in front of the buffet and each took a glass. “In fact, it’s still rattling me that he is my father.” She raised her glass. “Let’s make a toast. To fathers, mothers . . . families . . . the nicest thing there is.” She clinked against Kim’s glass and drank. Her words had sounded bitter.

  “Your father and Sandra . . . they’re a part of your family. And they’re nice.” Kim observed Sonja’s withdrawn expression.

  “Yes, they are nice. I’m sure I’ll get used to it.”

  Kim laughed in surprise. “That they’re nice?”

  “I did mention that I don’t care for this whole family circus,” Sonja replied irritably.

  “My family –” Kim raised a hand, “is as good as nonexistent. That’s probably why it’s hard for me not to envy other people their families.”

  “You envy me my family?” Sonja raised her brows in astonishment. Fortunately, Sandra wasn’t there to double the effect.

  “The part of it that I know, yes. I like Sandra, and if she were my sister –”

  “You’d be a twin, and on top of that, you couldn’t make out with her,” Sonja said. “I don’t think you’d like that so much.”

  “We haven’t –” Kim sighed. “She looks like you.” Her mouth twitched. “Are you jealous?”

  “Jealous?” Sonja looked at her as though that were an absurd idea.

  “It bothered you, admit it. You were absolutely furious.”

  “Was I.” Sonja looked at Kim coolly.

  “Would it reassure you if I were to tell you that Sandra and I have decided that we can’t – and don’t want to – do that to you?”

  “Have you.” Sonja was still acting quite composed, but Kim could’ve sworn that she was seething inside. “How nice of you.”

  That’s what it was, Kim thought. She hasn’t been jealous all along. She knew she had no competition. Now she’s not so sure anymore. She grinned internally. “Yes, I think so, too.”

  Sonja’s eyebrows knit together in a way that Kim hadn’t seen in a long time.

  “I love you,” Kim said. “You truly don’t need to be jealous. Sandra confuses me, because she looks like you, and I like her, because in many ways she is like you – but that’s all.”

  “I’m not jealous.” Sonja turned around and set down her glass. “That would be completely pointless. Jealousy accomplishes nothing – except trouble.”

  “Why don’t you want to admit it?” Kim asked. “What would be wrong with that? It just shows that –”

  “It shows nothing at all,” Sonja interrupted her. “Jealousy is a destructive force that never does any good.”

  Kim frowned. “Are you still mad at me because I –?”

  Sonja shook her head. “That has nothing to do with you.”

  “I understand,” Kim said. If it was true that it had nothing to do with her, it could only be connected with Sonja’s husband. He was jealous, and made her life a living hell.

  “I hardly think so.” Sonja looked at Kim. “All right, fine, I’ll admit it. This whole twin affair is driving me half crazy. It’s fun to pull people’s legs, but when I saw Sandra dancing with you – well, you suit each other so well. And Sandra . . . is free. It would only be logical –”

  “Feelings aren’t logical,” Kim interrupted her gently. She examined Sonja’s face. “Love isn’t logical. And as much as you two resemble one another . . . you’re not the same. On the dance floor, it might’ve looked that way – on the outside, you two are impossible to tell apart – but a human being doesn’t just consist of genes. Her experiences are important, too. You know that as well as I do. And your experiences couldn’t be more different.”

  “Probably.” Sonja took a deep breath. “I wish I could change that.”

  “You’d rather have had her experiences?”

  Sonja looked over at Sandra and her father, who still stood next to each other. “She’s so . . . cheerful.”

  “You were, too – in the beginning, when I met you, when you first joined the company.” Kim looked at her. “What happened? What changed you so much?”

  Sonja didn
’t answer.

  “Was it my fault?” Kim asked. “Did it turn your life so upside down that you were suddenly involved with a woman –”

  “If only it were just that . . .” Sonja ran a hand through her hair. “That would be simple.”

  Kim looked at her, astonished. “Simple?” She certainly wouldn’t have thought that.

  “That Sandra has always –” Sonja sighed. “We’re twins. It’s impossible for us to be completely different in such a fundamental way.”

  “But you had never –”

  “No.” Sonja shook her head thoughtfully. “That’s the experience story again. She grew up completely differently than I did. My mother would never have –”

  “I don’t think Sandra would’ve let that stop her.” Kim looked back over toward Sandra. Sandra happened to be looking in her direction just then and arched an eyebrow inquisitively. Kim smiled gently. Sandra did, too. It was so natural, as if they’d known each other forever. And yet –

  “You don’t know my mother,” Sonja said.

  “So she is like your father said?” Just recently, Sonja had still denied that.

  Sonja sighed anew. “Oh, yes, that she is.”

  “I don’t understand –” Kim shook her head. “I don’t understand how a mother could separate her children . . . twins. She never mentioned Sandra?”

  “Of course not. Or else I would’ve known about her.”

  “Yeah.” Kim simply couldn’t grasp it. “She just forgot about her?”

  “Hardly. After all, she did give birth to her. But my mother can be very . . . systematic. If she decides that something doesn’t exist, then it doesn’t exist.”

  “Even her own daughter?”

  “She has three other children,” Sonja said.

  “But the fourth one didn’t matter to her.” Kim shook her head once more.

  “The other three didn’t, either,” Sonja said. “In a way.”

  Kim’s astonishment grew. Her face was one big question mark.

  “She didn’t have us because she loves children,” Sonja added.

  Kim was shocked. This didn’t sound much like a happy childhood.

  “Daughters aren’t really important, in any case,” Sonja continued. “The only one who counts is my brother, her son. After he came along, she stopped having children. Her task had been fulfilled.”

  “Sonja . . . I –” Kim was speechless.

  “And her son-in-law, of course.” Sonja’s voice now sounded even bitterer than it had before. “My husband.”

  “Well, then, she must’ve been very proud of you when you got married.” Kim swallowed. If Sonja had grown up like that, how could Kim, a woman, ever compete with her husband – or with any man?

  “Of me?” Sonja laughed dryly. “Of herself! It was her achievement. I only fulfilled my obligation, the task she had set for me. And I was supposed to go on fulfilling it. Have children. Sons, in particular. Since I can no longer do that, she’s lost all interest in me.”

  Sonja stood there, like a fortified tower behind a high wall meant to remind everyone that it was unconquerable.

  Nonetheless, Kim stepped forward and took her into her arms. “Beloved . . .” she whispered.

  Sonja jerked. She had kept her composure until now, but all of a sudden, she seemed to lose control. “It was a girl,” she whispered. “The baby I lost, it was a girl.” A quiet sob caught in her throat, as though she didn’t want to permit herself to cry. “It wouldn’t have been good enough, anyway.”

  “Oh, my God, my sweet darling,” Kim whispered, stroking her. “What have you been through?” Her heart pounded with sympathy. Sonja had always seemed so strong, so unshakable, but that was all just a façade. She was strong, yes, otherwise she never would’ve survived all this, but she had to fight for that strength every single day – against such obstacles.

  Sandra came over to them. “What’s wrong?” she asked, concerned.

  “She’s not feeling well,” Kim said. “Maybe I’d better take her back to the hotel.”

  “No, I –” Sonja straightened up and brushed back her hair. “It’s all right now. It’s over.”

  “You don’t have to –”

  Sandra interrupted Kim. “Let her be,” she said gently. She rested a hand on Sonja’s shoulder. “It’s over – like she says.” She glanced at Sonja’s face, which still bore traces of the effort. “Everything okay?”

  “Yes.” Sonja nodded.

  “Isn’t there anything I can do?” Kim asked.

  It wasn’t Sonja who answered, but Sandra. “No. She just needs to go to the bathroom and wash her face.”

  Kim was confused. Sandra was acting as though she were Sonja’s mother. Or not . . . After everything she’d heard about Sonja’s mother . . .

  Sonja nodded again.

  “I’ll go with you,” Sandra said.

  Sonja didn’t argue, and the two of them disappeared upstairs.

  Kim stayed behind, rather puzzled.

  “What’s wrong with Sonja?” Jennifer had switched from champagne to punch in the meantime. “Why does she look so upset?”

  Kim sighed. “Jo isn’t the only one whose mother. . . takes some getting used to.”

  “Oh.” Jennifer looked around until she spotted her mother in the crowd. “I guess I really shouldn’t give mine too much of a hard time.”

  “No, you shouldn’t. Be glad you have her,” Kim said. “And I’m going to call my mother today. Even if she is in Australia, having a mother like her is a great bit of luck. I’ve never been so aware of that before.”

  “Sonja’s mother is that bad?” Jennifer asked, interested.

  “Seems that way. This is the first time she’s ever talked about her.”

  “She’s very closed,” Jennifer said. “I’ve noticed that. Sandra’s completely different. Funny how twins can be so dissimilar. I could never mix them up.” She laughed. “Except when they do it on purpose!”

  “Yes, the exterior certainly plays its part. It’s deceptive at first.” Kim took a deep breath. “Anyway, this is a wedding I’m not going to forget any time soon . . .”

  “Neither will I.” Jennifer looked over at Jo and Frank, who were standing there happily and conversing animatedly. “Even if it weren’t my own, I wouldn’t.”

  ~*~*~*~

  Soft music floated pleasantly through the room. Kim stood at the window and looked out. A week had passed since the wedding, Jennifer and Jo were still on their honeymoon, and Kim was – as usual on Sundays – alone. It was a beautiful day, and she was considering a walk in the nearby castle grounds.

  The prior week had proceeded without upset. Sonja and Kim had seen each other every day, but they hadn’t talked about what had happened at the wedding. The memory seemed to have sunk into obscurity.

  The telephone rang. Kim turned around. It couldn’t be Sonja, she didn’t call on Sundays; Jo and Jennifer were in the Caribbean; and it was the wrong time for her mother in Australia to be calling. She went to the phone and picked it up.

  “Don’t you think it’s much too pretty a day to sit inside?”

  As usual, she had to think about it for a moment, but since Sonja was out of the question as a Sunday caller, it had to be Sandra. The voice was the same.

  “Yes,” Kim agreed. “I was just thinking about going for a walk.”

  “Good idea,” Sandra said. “I’ll join you. It’s pretty bleak in the city, in spite of the nice weather. There’s a park near you.”

  “That’s what I was thinking, too,” Kim said.

  “I’ll come over. Don’t go without me.” Sandra laughed.

  “I won’t.” Kim laughed, too. “I’ll be glad to have the company.” She hung up.

  She and Sandra hadn’t seen each other since the wedding. How practical, she thought, rather mischievously. Sonja during the week, and Sandra on Sundays, that’s convenient. Even though she chided herself for having such thoughts, they were somehow always close to the surface.

  T
here wasn’t much traffic on Sundays, so Sandra wasn’t likely to take much longer than a quarter of an hour. Kim picked up a book and sat down to wait.

  The quarter of an hour wasn’t quite past when the doorbell rang. Kim walked to the foyer and pressed the button. Then she put on her shoes. Perhaps Sandra wouldn’t even come up, but would be waiting down below.

  Then she heard footsteps on the stairs. So she was coming up, after all. Kim opened the door. “That was quick!” A moment later, she stopped short. “Sonja?” she asked, astonished.

  Sonja smiled. “I know you weren’t expecting me.”

  “No . . . uh . . . it’s Sunday.” Kim let Sonja in.

  She’d barely shut the door when the bell rang again.

  Sonja looked inquiringly at Kim.

  “That’s Sandra,” Kim explained, an embarrassed flush creeping across her face. This annoyed her. There was no reason to be embarrassed, after all. “We were planning on taking a walk.”

  “Oh,” Sonja said. “Apparently I’ve come at a bad time. I should’ve called first.”

  “If you’d come a few minutes later, you probably would’ve missed me altogether, because we’d have left already,” Kim said, to forestall the possibility of any strange thoughts. “It’s Sunday,” she repeated rather helplessly. “You’ve never been here on a Sunday before.”

  “Which is why you obviously make other plans for your Sundays.”

  The doorbell rang again.

  “Sandra’s getting impatient.” Sonja pursed her lips disdainfully.

  Kim was taken aback. Sonja leaned over and pressed the buzzer. “We can’t just leave her standing outside like that.”

  “Kim, are you coming down, or should I come up?” Sandra’s voice echoed up through the stairwell.

  Sonja arched her eyebrows. Only now did she believe that Kim and Sandra had actually been planning to go for a walk, and not something else; that was obvious. A walk for starters . . .