Forbidden Passion

by Ruth Gogoll

  “We don’t have to go to the Camargue.” Sonja went back to her desk and sat down. “It was just a suggestion.”

  “This is all so new to me,” Kim said. “I make a suggestion, you accept it . . . without ifs, ands, or buts. I’m not used to that.”

  “I’ve done it quite often, accepted your suggestions,” Sonja said. “It was because they were so good that I nominated you for a promotion.”

  “Yes. Professionally. That’s true, but –”

  “Privately, I couldn’t.” Sonja sighed. “Can we talk about this tonight? I have to go. Executive board meeting.”

  “We don’t have to talk about it at all,” Kim said. “You don’t have to justify yourself. It wasn’t your fault, after all.”

  “Maybe it was.” Sonja collected a few things from her desk and stood up. “Will you let me know where you get with the blueprints?”

  “Yes, sure.” Kim watched Sonja as she walked past her and out of the office with a stack of files under her arm.

  A second later, she returned. “I knew I’d forgotten something.” She rushed over to Kim and gave her a soft, tender kiss. “The most important thing.” She smiled, turned around, and left the office for the second time.

  “I love you,” Kim said softly, although Sonja was already gone, and smiled as well.

  The telephone on Sonja’s desk rang. Kim considered whether or not to answer it; it wasn’t really her responsibility, but she had been Sonja’s assistant long enough, and Jo wasn’t there, so she picked up the phone. “Mrs. Kantner’s office, Wolff speaking,” she answered.

  “This is Mr. Kantner. Will you give me my wife, please?”

  Kim froze. She pictured Uwe Kantner before her, the way he’d stared at Sandra with angry eyes because he mistook her for Sonja, the way he’d dogged their footsteps as they’d packed up Sonja’s things.

  “Hello? Are you still there?” Uwe Kantner seemed irritated.

  “Yes, I . . . She isn’t here. She’s in a meeting.” Kim swallowed.

  “As always,” he said, sounding cynical. “How many meetings does she have, then?”

  “She’s in charge of the company’s most important project,” Kim said. He must know that. Or had he never been interested to find out? “That means meetings are the order of the day.”

  “But of course. What a successful wife I have.” The degree of malice in his voice increased. “I’m so proud of her, you know.”

  “You certainly haven’t done anything to contribute to it.” Kim could no longer restrain herself. “On the contrary.”

  He hesitated. “You’re not her secretary.”

  “Not anymore,” Kim said. “I used to be. Her secretary is on vacation at the moment.”

  “Please inform my wife that she should call me – it’s in her own best interest.” His voice now sounded like he was already relishing the prospect of this telephone call with Sonja.

  “I won’t do that.” Here it goes, Kim thought.

  He laughed a little. “Female solidarity, eh? What did she tell you?”

  “Enough,” Kim said. “Enough to protect her from you.”

  He laughed some more. “Remind her that we’re still married. And that’s not going to change any time soon.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Kim asked. “Sonja can do what she wants. She’s a grown woman.”

  “She is my wife,” he said pointedly. “And what I have, I don’t let go of so easily. Regardless of who she’s whoring around with right now, she belongs to me. You tell her that!” He hung up.

  Kim shook her head in consternation. Sonja was right. It wasn’t over yet. Kim was glad she’d taken the call, and not Sonja. Even though she couldn’t imagine that what Uwe Kantner had spewed forth was anything but empty threats.

  If he’d known to whom he was speaking . . .

  But he would never suspect that. He suspected a man.

  Kim sighed. That sword of Damocles was still hanging over her.

  The telephone rang once again. It couldn’t be! He was calling again?

  Kim grabbed the receiver. “She’s not here, I told you!”

  “Uh . . . Kim? I was actually looking for Sonja.” Sonja’s, no, Sandra’s voice.

  Kim took a deep breath. “Sandra. I’m sorry. Uwe just called.”

  “Oh. My charming brother-in-law.”

  “Yes, exactly. And he –” Kim ran her hand through her hair. “He threatened that he wasn’t going to let Sonja go just like that.”

  “That was pretty predictable,” Sandra said. “The way I size him up. When I think of the way he looked at me . . . And that was meant for Sonja.”

  “He doesn’t have any more leverage,” Kim said.

  “You don’t need leverage for hate.”

  Kim went cold. “Do you think . . . you think he’ll do something to her?”

  “We probably ought to keep a close eye on her for a while,” Sandra said. “Even though he’s in a wheelchair, there are still plenty of possibilities.”

  “Yes.” Kim felt even colder.

  “There’s one place where we wouldn’t have to watch out for her so much,” Sandra said. “Where no men are allowed.”

  “The women’s café?” Kim asked.

  “I’d like to go dancing again sometime. And it’s so boring to go alone.”

  “That’s why you wanted to talk to Sonja?” Kim asked. “Sonja has never been –”

  “Yes, that’s what I figured.” Sandra laughed softly. “Don’t you think it’s about time?”

  “Phew.” Kim rolled her eyes to the ceiling. “She’s had an awful lot to deal with lately. Another new thing on top of that . . .”

  “It’s not really that new,” Sandra said. “You two danced together at the wedding. At least, it looked like dancing.”

  “But not –”

  “Not in the women’s café, not in a room chock full of lesbians; there were a few straight people at the wedding, too, I know,” Sandra said. “But she’s going to have to get used to it. I’d also like to know if she –”

  Kim sighed. “So would I.”

  “So it’s in our common interest, then.”

  “I’ll suggest it to her.” Kim arched her eyebrows skeptically. “This evening. At home.” She fell silent abruptly. This evening, at home, echoed in her head. How that sounded. As if Sonja and she . . . were a real couple.

  “Do that,” Sandra said. “Friday. As usual, or so I’ve been told.”

  “Yes. As usual.” Only one thing wouldn’t be usual about it: Sonja. If she even came at all.

  ~*~*~*~

  “I know, I’m terrible,” Sonja said with an apologetic grimace. “Bringing paperwork home with me . . . But I didn’t want –” She looked at Kim with an embarrassed smile. “I didn’t want to come home so late.”

  Kim didn’t know how to respond. Affection caught in her throat. Sonja was telling her with a flower that she’d missed her, that she yearned for her, that she wanted to be with her. And that her “home” was with Kim . . .

  “That bad?” Sonja asked.

  Kim smiled slowly. “Not bad. I’m glad you’re here, even if I do have to share you with your paperwork.”

  “I’m really sorry.” Sonja sighed. “The closer it gets to the end, the more there is still to be done. I promise, I’ll finish this as fast as I can.”

  “You don’t have to hurry.” Kim glanced toward the kitchen. “Would you like something to drink – or to eat? To go with your work?” She chuckled softly.

  “Oh, dinner,” Sonja said. “You were expecting us to eat together.”

  “I was hoping we would. But if you have to work . . .”

  “I’m not used to such a regular life,” Sonja said. “Especially not in the evenings. That’s why I routinely eat lunch at noon, when I can. Otherwise food would probably fall by the wayside more often than not.”

  “No wonder you’re so thin,” Kim said. “But I can make you something. I hadn’t planned anything special, just some
thing cold, bread, cheese, salami . . .”

  “It’s pretty hard to integrate everyday life into my work sometimes. That never really occurred to me before.”

  Because you had no everyday life, Kim thought. “I can make you a sandwich,” she suggested. “And maybe some tea to go with it. We always used to drink tea with dinner at home, and I’ve kept that up.”

  “Good idea,” Sonja said. “I’ll have to sit at the kitchen table to work, right? You don’t have another one.”

  “Yes, come on into the kitchen.” Kim led the way.

  “You think I’m too thin?” Sonja asked suddenly.

  “I think we’ve discussed it before. I wouldn’t mind a few more ounces on you.” Kim turned around, smiling. “But it’s up to you.”

  “Well . . .” Sonja hesitated, put her files down on the table, and looked up at Kim, who was putting on water for tea. “If you don’t like it . . .”

  “I like it fine.” Kim came over, took her in her arms, and kissed her softly on the mouth. “You are gorgeous. And I wouldn’t want to be responsible for you no longer fitting into your seductive, skin-tight suits.” She laughed softly.

  “They’re not skin-tight,” Sonja contradicted, looking down at herself. “They’re completely ordinary business suits.”

  “Well, maybe it’s not the suit that’s so seductive – the alluring part is what’s inside.” Kim drew Sonja into her arms once more and kissed her a bit more intensely.

  “I need to work,” Sonja panted as she disentangled herself. “Really.”

  “I know,” Kim said regretfully, turning her attention back to the tea water.

  “Maybe I should’ve stayed at the office after all. Concentrating on work now is twice as hard.”

  “I’ll make you a sandwich and some tea, and then I’ll disappear,” Kim countered. “I’ll find myself a book and read.” She smiled affectionately at Sonja. “Although it will be just as difficult for me to concentrate on that.”

  Sonja rolled her eyes. “We’re certainly a couple of specialists . . .”

  “Apropos of that,” Kim said. “Did Sandra reach you on the phone?”

  Sonja raised her eyebrows. “No?”

  “She called today when I was still in your office, after you’d left for the board meeting . . .” Who else had called just then, Kim kept quiet. “She wants to go dancing and she finds it too boring to go alone.”

  “Go dancing? With me?” Sonja asked, baffled.

  “You see that with twins all the time.” Kim grinned. “Yes, she wanted to ask you, and because I picked up, she asked me.”

  “That sounds more likely,” Sonja said.

  “No, she wanted to talk to you,” Kim contradicted. “But since she had me on the line . . . Friday is dance night at the women’s café. We could all go.”

  “All of us?” Sonja looked startled.

  “The three of us. Jo and Jennifer aren’t back from their honeymoon yet, not until next week.”

  “The three of us,” Sonja repeated, as though she hadn’t yet quite grasped what they were talking about.

  “It’s only a suggestion, of course,” Kim said. “I’m sure Sandra will have no problem finding a woman to dance with, once she’s there. She won’t really be bored.”

  “A woman to dance with,” Sonja repeated again.

  “Ah . . . love . . . this is going to be a very one-sided conversation, if all you do is repeat what I say.” Kim picked up the kettle and poured Sonja some tea, watching Sonja as she did so.

  “Yes, I . . .” Sonja sat down at the kitchen table. “Honestly, I’m a little overwhelmed.”

  “I can see that.” Kim set the tea on the table in front of Sonja. “You can think about it for a while. For Sandra and me, it’s normal . . . being among women like that, but for you –”

  “It ought to be normal for me, too, by and by,” Sonja interrupted her. “It’s just . . . I was hoping for a little rest amid all the excitement.”

  “That’s what I said to Sandra, too. You’ve been through so much lately. It must be getting too much for you. Sandra should go by herself. Like I said, I’m sure she won’t have to be alone for long.”

  Sonja opened the uppermost of the files she’d stacked on the table, hesitated for a moment, and took a sip of tea.

  “Sausage or cheese?” Kim asked. “For your sandwich, I mean.”

  “Cheese. Thanks.”

  Kim put the sandwich together and brought it to Sonja at the table. “Don’t work too long.” She kissed Sonja on the cheek and went into the living room.

  She sat down. She didn’t want to turn on the TV, because that might disturb Sonja’s work; a book lay on the little coffee table, but she knew she wouldn’t understand a single word if she tried to read. Sonja was sitting in the next room, working at the kitchen table. Not long ago, Kim couldn’t have imagined that, not in her wildest dreams.

  She smiled. So many things had happened that she still couldn’t comprehend. The dreadful things she’d learned had been done to Sonja, especially Uwe Kantner’s threats today – those made her worry awfully, but on the other hand: Sonja was with her, she seemed to feel well, she’d come home early just to be with Kim . . . all that was so wonderful, the feeling almost overwhelmed her. She could never have put her emotions into words.

  She sat there daydreaming, and because her day at the office had also been a long one, she fell asleep.

  “Well, I could’ve kept working a while longer, since you’re already sleeping.” She heard Sonja’s voice from a distance.

  Kim opened her eyes. Sonja stood in the doorframe and smiled – like a vision from 1001 Nights. Her silhouette seemed blurred, as if she were wearing a veil.

  She came and sat down beside Kim on the couch. “Enough for today.” She smiled at Kim even more. “It was good, your sandwich, and the tea, too. Next time, I won’t be so unpleasant, and we’ll eat together.”

  “Maybe we ought to make an appointment for that in advance,” Kim said, but she was smiling.

  Sonja snuggled against her and drew up her legs. “I am wiped out . . .” she sighed. “When this project is finally done, we won’t need to make any appointments; hopefully, I’ll have more time then.”

  “If you believe that . . .” Kim said. “You’re a workaholic.”

  Sonja took a deep breath. “First, I have to get used to the idea that I . . . that I can look forward to going home,” she said quietly.

  “I’m sorry,” Kim replied. “I didn’t mean to blame you for anything.”

  “You’re not.” Sonja grabbed Kim’s arm and pulled her close, as though she never wanted to let go of her. “About Friday . . . I gave it some thought.”

  Kim waited silently for her decision.

  “What’s it like in the women’s café? I’ve never been there.”

  “I know,” Kim said. “What’s it like there? Quite cozy, actually. A couple of armchairs, a few chairs, a few tables . . .”

  “You know what I mean. Is it . . . I mean, there are just women there?”

  “That’s why it’s called the women’s café,” Kim confirmed, grinning.

  “And the women dance with each other,” Sonja continued, thoughtful.

  “You don’t have to go to the women’s café if the idea makes you uncomfortable. It won’t be a problem if you say no.”

  “When you and I . . . I mean, when we danced together, at the wedding – that was nice.”

  “I thought so, too,” Kim agreed.

  “Sandra . . .” Sonja hesitated. “Sandra is well-known, at the café?”

  “She’s only been there once, with me,” Kim said. “You could hardly call that well-known. She said she doesn’t much care for that sort of institution. But if you want to go dancing . . .”

  “Among women,” Sonja said.

  “Yes, among women.” Kim sighed. “Let’s not talk about it anymore right now. Sandra can go alone, too, that doesn’t depend on us. If you don’t want to . . .”

  “
You’re terrible,” Sonja said. “Can I just let myself get used to the idea first?”

  “I thought you’d already thought about it.” Kim was surprised. “I’m sorry if I misunderstood.”

  “You didn’t misunderstand, it’s just that thinking about it isn’t the same as making a decision. I thought you might be able to help me with that part.”

  “You don’t usually need any help making decisions,” Kim said.

  “In the office,” Sonja replied pointedly. “But this has nothing to do with the office.”

  “But it doesn’t have anything to do with me, either,” Kim said seriously. “Only with you.”

  Sonja rested her head on the back of the sofa. “Yes, that’s probably the problem.” She turned her head to look at Kim. “When Sandra told you that she . . . is like you, and after you knew that we’re twins . . . what did you think?”

  Kim grimaced, but she didn’t answer.

  The corners of Sonja’s mouth twitched. “You thought it was impossible for me not to be like her, right? Like you and she are.”

  “I . . . I wished that . . .” Kim gave her an unhappy look. “Do we have to have this conversation now?”

  “Sometime or other, we have to. I’ve been dodging it for a long time.”

  “You . . . you don’t have to decide. Not this soon. I know you have a lot of other things to think about first. There are so many more important things –”

  “Really?” Sonja asked. “Don’t you think clarity ought to prevail for once?” She looked at Kim. “You’re afraid of what kind of clarity it will be.” She sighed. “Me, too.”

  “I understand.” Kim felt awful.

  “No, I don’t think you do. You’ve only ever been with women, you don’t know what it’s like –” Sonja’s eyes examined Kim’s face. “What it’s like to feel so right with a woman, and to know the difference. To be afraid of losing it again. To wonder what will happen then.”

  Kim stared at her, trying to comprehend what she was telling her. “You’re afraid that I might leave you if you choose me once and for all?” That thought had never occurred to Kim. She’d only ever imagined that Sonja could leave her.

  Sonja closed her eyes. “Horribly afraid. It’s only been a few days since I –”