Drive Me Sane

by Rogers, Dena

  They turned left at the mailbox; instinctively he knew they were headed to the train tracks. He abhorred the idea. He still saw it as a terrible coping mechanism, but Sera insisted it was a part of the healing process. He wondered if she’d ever be the same. The problem with trains was easily understandable, but he’d noticed other things too. She’d flinched when a gun went off on the TV the other night, and a couple of times when the screen door banged closed, he could see the startle in her eyes. She rarely looked at the road when they were driving. Instead her head would drop down to her lap or she’d stare out the passenger window. She downplayed her condition. Maybe she wasn’t as emotionally battered as some of the other soldiers coming back from war, but it didn’t mean she didn’t need help. He wanted to be that help.

  “So, what do you want to talk about?” he asked when they were halfway there.

  Sera angled her head to the side. “We’re not going to fight. Okay?”

  “Is that a promise?” He squeezed her hand.

  She nudged him back with her shoulder. “You’re the one who developed a temper. Maybe you should be the one promising.”

  “For the record, it’s completely unfair that I have to talk when you’re ready to do so, but you get to run off and avoid me.”

  “Hey. I’ve been better.”

  “Yes, you have.” He threw an arm around her shoulder, kissing the top of her head. “So what’s on your mind?”

  “I don’t want you to blame yourself, Tyler.”

  “It’s kind of hard not to.”

  “Listen to me.” She stopped, turning toward him. “You didn’t pay attention to what I said happened.”

  Crinkling his eyes, he said, “I think I paid damn good attention.”

  “The area was deserted. Subconsciously or not, I chose to ignore it. Rollins and I were talking. I was already distracted. I didn’t start thinking about you until I thought I heard the train whistle. By then it was already too late.”

  Trying to digest that, he grabbed her hand and started walking again. “Did you ever blame me?”

  “No,” she answered with a shake of her head.

  “Never?”

  “You were what I thought about when I realized my life might end. How could I blame you?”

  He stopped walking when her voice cracked. “Babe, don’t cry.” Smoothing her hair back away from her face, he dried the tears with his thumb, then bent in and kissed her. “It makes me happy to know you were thinking about me.”

  “Every day.” She sniffled.

  “Yet you were mad as hell when you saw me,” he teased, taking her hand again.

  “I said I didn’t blame you for the accident. I didn’t say I forgave you for breaking my heart. Leaving a voicemail was brutal.”

  “We’ve been over that. You know I’m sorry.”

  “I know.” The teasing curve was back in her lips. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t give you a hard time about it.”

  “All right, I was an ass.”

  “Yes, you were, but I didn’t make it easy on you.”

  “Let’s not go over this again.”

  “We’re not. But there’s something I want you to know.”

  “What?”

  “I never believed you’d cheat on me.” Sera leaned her head over onto his shoulder. “I’m sorry. That was a horrible thing to constantly accuse you of.”

  Tyler pulled her head closer, kissing the side of her face again. “Thank you. I needed to hear that.”

  Seeing they’d made it to the tracks, Sera turned them back toward Roy’s.

  “Now that we both agree what a jerk I was, can I ask you something?” he asked, taking the opportunity to get more answers to some questions he still had.

  Sera kicked at a rock. “What do you want to know?”

  “How bad are the nightmares?”

  “They aren’t really nightmares. They say it’s anxiety. I have trouble falling asleep because my mind won’t quit obsessing over what happened.”

  “So it’s not like they portray on TV where you wake up in the middle of the night, pouring sweat, thinking you’re back over there?”

  “I’m sure some cases are. I’ve had a few bad dreams, but they’re sporadic.”

  “But trains …”

  “Always trigger the memories. Anything that sounds like a train or train whistle makes me think about it.”

  “Do you think that will ever go away?”

  “Probably not.”

  “That sucks.”

  She laughed. “Yes, it does, but my old therapist explained it to me like this: It’s like listening to a love song and it reminding you of a recent breakup. You’re always going to think of that person when you hear the song, but the more you hear it and the more time that passes, the easier the pain gets.”

  “It makes sense when you put it that way. Can I ask what you obsess about? Is it the incident itself, or …”

  Kicking another rock, she answered, “Mostly him and what he became.”

  Tyler loosened his grip on her hand and hung his head toward the ground. Disliking someone he didn’t know wasn’t something he made a habit of doing, yet every time he thought of the man who Sera had shared so much with, he felt a burning in his gut.

  “We’re not fighting, remember?” Sera reiterated, strengthening their grip.

  “I’m trying not to hate him, but it’s hard after reading everything he wrote about you and knowing the two of you were together.”

  “That’s really unfair since you slept with other people too.”

  “I didn’t have feelings for any of them, though.”

  • • •

  Not seeing lack of feelings as a defense, Sera didn’t want to fight either. “He was a friend. That’s all. And you shouldn’t hate him. He’s the product of a terrible situation. It could easily be me in his shoes. In fact …” She paused. “I was headed there.” She left out the part that Tyler had been a saving grace to her, in a sense. If their reunion hadn’t come when it did, who knew the shape she’d have been in by the time Roy came home from Florida? Being alone and struggling wasn’t a good combination.

  “So what happened exactly?”

  “Are you asking about us sleeping together or—?”

  Laughing, Tyler said, “No, please spare me the details.” Then, shooting her a jab with his elbow, he said, “I’m talking about the rift between the two of you.”

  She had been joking about explaining their sexual relationship, but sleeping together was part of the rift. Not knowing where to begin or how to protect Tyler’s insecurities, she started from the beginning.

  “We knew each other before Afghanistan, but for one reason or another we became closer when we got over there. Going through what we did together strengthened that bond.” She thought back to their first weeks back in the States and the time they spent talking about what happened. She’d told Rollins everything, including her feelings for Tyler.

  “It helped having someone who understood what I was feeling, but after a while the constant rehashing kept the pain fresh and I knew it wasn’t helping. I tried making him understand that but by then he’d already started declining. Drinking, abusing his meds, and he missed work a lot. I watched him sink deeper and deeper, knowing he was pulling me with him and I needed to get away, but I was committed to helping him.”

  “So how did you get away?”

  “He was discharged.”

  “Like you?”

  “Yep, except his was quicker because of his emotional instability.”

  Tyler raised an eyebrow, questioning her further.

  “I flat out refused to do my job.”

  “Driving?”

  “How’d you guess?” She tossed him a grin, happy that they were able to talk about this so sensibly. It was so different than any of the other weighty talks they’d had weeks or even years before. “I’m just thankful they gave me an honorable discharge.”

  “When was the last time you heard from him?”
<
br />   She thought. “The last letter came about ten months ago. I never responded to any of them, so I guess he gave up. As far as I know, he doesn’t even know I’m out.”

  • • •

  Tyler remembered all the things he’d read earlier in the day. The first few notes were short with the guy saying he missed Sera and hoped she was doing fine. A few apologized for the way he’d acted before leaving the army. It was the ones that professed his love that Tyler started noticing his hostility. He wanted to punch the guy in the face for the names he’d called her. Yet, oddly enough, he also felt bad for him too. He knew what it was like to feel as if you’d lost everything and how easily it was to sink into a hole—because that was what it felt like when he lost Sera. Compared to what Rollins had endured, though, his problems were small, so he could only imagine the pain the man was going through. Anyone with a conscience would feel for him. Whether he’d hurt Sera or not, they’d shared something that Tyler couldn’t understand, and he could at least appreciate that she’d had Rollins to confide in when he wasn’t there for her.

  CHAPTER 22

  Tyler threw his phone down on the bed. The call back from Bradley went much like he’d predicted. The label wasn’t happy about the tour being postponed. He was an up-and-coming artist. Promotion of the record was essential. Bradley relayed the message most likely just as it had been told to him. He’d been so brash as to let Tyler know he wasn’t anyone who would be missed if he fell off the radar for a few months.

  Bradley was right. Tyler didn’t have enough hits under his belt to make a difference to the public. There might be a few diehard fans who followed his career, but if he took a break now, his chances of reclaiming his current status would be difficult. When you were at the top, you had to keep going; otherwise you fell away into no man’s land.

  It didn’t help that Bradley reminded him of his place on the shit list from the release of “Box of Regrets,” and that further damage to the relationship with his record label may happen if he didn’t quit pushing their buttons. Again, Tyler knew everything Bradley said was correct, but he asked him to plead his case again anyway.

  Running his hand through his hair, he thought about what to do. Sera didn’t know about his decision. Knowing how she’d react, he kept putting it off, hoping Bradley would give him something positive to offer when he did tell her. Like, Sure, canceling a headlining tour that embarks in four days is no problem. Instead, it was more like, Hey, honey, I’m about to be broke, unemployed, and possibly sued for breach of contract, but at least we have each other. He’d be okay with that. Wouldn’t he? They’d make it. There were plenty of jobs and he could get his music fix playing weekends at Merv’s.

  Who was he kidding? He loved being on Merv’s stage again, but in no way did it compare to the satisfaction he felt playing larger venues. He’d be content, but the craving for more would always be there.

  • • •

  Sera poked her head in Tyler’s room, asking if he was ready to go. Looking at cars wasn’t the way she wanted to spend their last day together, but anything to keep busy was a better alternative to wallowing in the worry of what his absence in the morning would bring.

  “Yeah.” Tyler nodded. “Just give me a minute.”

  Suddenly Tyler looked as tired as he did weeks ago. Lines marked his face. The newly bronze color of his skin had taken on an ashy haze. “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “If you don’t feel like going we don’t have to.”

  He stood, tucking in his shirt. “I’m all right.”

  He didn’t look all right, though. His posture was stiff, his jaw set, and there wasn’t an ounce of warmth radiating from his eyes. Thinking that maybe he was just as anxious about what the morning would bring, she decided not to push. “Okay, I’ll be in the living room when you’re ready.”

  His mood didn’t change during the drive to Lexington. In fact, he grew even more dire the more time passed. She tried bringing him into conversation about the tour, hoping the topic would rile him up and get him excited about the event, but he deflected the subject each time. Halfway there, she was ready to turn around and go back home. The prickly air had her thinking that finding a car when she still refused to drive did seem silly. It wasn’t like she could take it home if she found one she liked, but today wasn’t about buying a car. It was a step forward, a step she wanted to take, and she wanted Tyler there for it. But when Johnny Cash rang out for the third time since they left the house, Tyler turned his phone face down on the seat. She knew the icy manner was a result of him having other places he wanted or needed to be.

  • • •

  Tyler stopped at the first Ford dealership he saw. Meeting Sera on the passenger side, he glanced over the lot and pointed to a row of midsize cars. “Those over there look good. Why don’t you start? I’ll catch up with you. I need to make a call real quick.”

  “Sure.”

  He waited for her to walk away, then hit Bradley’s number. He’d called three times in the span of an hour. It was either really good news or very bad.

  He held the phone to his ear. Bradley never said hello when he answered.

  “There’s no option to postpone. If you pull out, you’re done.”

  Leaning back against the truck for support, Tyler rubbed at his temples, trying to ease the sudden pounding in his head.

  “Did you tell them that I had some personal things going on?”

  “They don’t care. They said they have too much money tied up in this already. We’re at the last damn minute, Tyler. What did you expect?”

  He had no words. He didn’t know what he expected.

  Bradley continued. “Rob Marshall himself said your ass had better be back in Nashville on Tuesday for the radio interview with WTEN.”

  So it had already gone straight up to the president of the company. His stomach knotted further. “And if I’m not?”

  “Tyler, don’t push this. You’re a liability to them at this point. Tickets are sold, merchandise is on its way. Salaries have been paid. That’s not even considering all the other things that went into making this tour happen. It takes a lot of money to pull something of this caliber off.”

  He exhaled sharply. “I know.”

  “You got the real deal here, man. A headlining tour. Do you know how long it takes most artists to get that?”

  He did—years, sometimes more than a decade. Nashville had only been his home for almost four years. “I do.”

  “I don’t think you do. You’re willing to walk away from it.”

  “I’m not asking to postpone indefinitely. I just need a couple of months.” Sera was getting better every day. In two months, he was sure she’d be out tearing up the roads of Cobb City in her new car. If not, maybe by then he’d be able to at least convince her to come with him.

  “They’ve already said no. It’s now or never.”

  “Never as in what, exactly?”

  “As in your contract will be canceled. Rob hadn’t spoken with anyone in the legal department to know if they would file breach of contract yet. Like me, this was thrown at him quickly.”

  Again, Tyler was lost for words as the comprehension of what his decision might cost sank in. His head now felt like it was going to explode.

  “Think about the fans you’ll lose,” Bradley continued. “What’s it going to be like to go back to playing some two-bit honky-tonk as you try to work your way back up to the top again? Trust me. Once you fall it’s hard to get back up. Tyler, think about this. Think about it hard. This is your career you’re playing with.”

  He had done nothing but think about it all day. He didn’t see any other option, though. “I can’t do it. I’m sorry.”

  Bradley sighed. “You’re putting me in a lousy position here. As your manager, it’s my job to tell you when you’re making poor decisions and right now you’re making a terrible mistake. Not only for yourself, but for the band and myself. Have you considered how selfish this i
s? You aren’t just screwing this up for you. The guys are a part of Tyler Creech. They’re going to go down with you. Not to mention how poorly this will reflect on me. I’m not at all happy about my reputation being tarnished just because you don’t want to leave your girlfriend.”

  Tyler ground his teeth together. Sera’s situation was more than that, but Bradley was doing a fine job of making him feel guilty.

  “I don’t get this, Tyler. We’ve worked hard to get here and now you’re tossing it away. You’re not the only one who’s busted his ass the last few years. We all have.”

  Tyler swallowed back more guilt. His lack of response allowed Bradley to continue.

  “You need to get your head on straight and quit dicking around. You have until the morning to figure this out. I’m supposed to call Rob back by then and I’m sure if I don’t have good news, he’ll have an answer from their attorney.” With that, the line went dead.

  Pressing his hands to his temple in an attempt to combat the throbbing, Tyler took in a deep breath. The choice he’d made a few days ago seemed easy. Now, knowing either way he went he could possibly lose something he loved, it didn’t seem fair.

  CHAPTER 23

  Sera was standing next to an older aged salesman when Tyler found her. The glare she shot him revealed her annoyance. He didn’t want to add her to the list of problems he had, but it seemed inevitable with the way the day was going. Trying to deflect both of their moods back to what they had come for, he asked, “Find anything?”

  “I think she’s interested in this little blue thing here.” The salesman flashed Tyler a mouth full of white and pointed to Ford Focus behind them.

  “I thought you were looking at those SUVs over there?” He threw his head in the direction he’d first sent her.

  “No,” she said sharply. “You wanted me to look at those.”

  Sensing her temper, he put aside his uncertainties for the safety of the small car, willing to appease her for the moment. “I thought you’d want something a little bigger. This is nice too.” He bent down, peering in the window. Walking around to the backside, he gave it a once-over.