Drive Me Sane

by Rogers, Dena

  “Want to take it for a test drive?” the eager salesman suggested.

  “No,” Sera spit out.

  “Let us look inside,” Tyler said, before opening the driver side door. The new car scent smacked his nostrils. “Looks nice.” Stepping back, he waved his hand for Sera to get in. “See what you think.”

  “That’s all right.” She shook her head.

  Rubbing her upper arm, he whispered, “You don’t have to drive. Just sit in it. See what it feels like.”

  He held his breath as she stepped forward, then unsteadily climbed in. Concentrating on the way her cheeks crumpled with unease, he cursed when a vibration had him pulling his phone out of his pocket. Seeing it was Mark, his lead guitarist, he held up a finger to Sera indicating he’d only be a minute. Already answering as he turned his back, he told Mark it wasn’t a good time and that he’d call him back. Turning back around, he bent down to eye level with Sera.

  “You okay?”

  She shook her head, breathing in deep. Her hands wound tightly around the steering wheel, the anxiety of her condition plastered all across her face. He was proud of her. Simply sitting inside was a huge accomplishment, yet he didn’t want to make a big deal and bring attention to her fears. He was looking at the radio on the console when his phone buzzed again. He ignored it, letting the music play to voicemail.

  Glancing over into the backseat, he commented, “I like it.” Another buzz; the caller was persistent. “Do you want me to take it for a drive?” The buzzing came again.

  “Aren’t you going to get that?” she asked with disdain.

  If he didn’t, it would just keep ringing. “I’m sorry. Give me a few more minutes.”

  “Hey,” Tyler answered, moving a couple of cars over, so he could have some privacy.

  “What the hell’s going on in Redneckville?”

  His friend and drummer Jayson took every available opportunity to rile him about his upbringing. Tyler called him a city slicker every chance he got. “Man, you don’t even want to know.”

  “Yeah, I think I do. Brad called. Said you were pulling out on us. Please don’t tell me this has something to do with a woman.”

  Tyler cringed as he admitted, “It’s Sera.”

  “Oh … oh! Sera. You mean army chick Sera?”

  “Yeah. She’s out of the army, though.”

  “So what’s going on? You two getting back together or what?”

  “Something like that,” he answered. Although they hadn’t specifically addressed what they were doing, he had no doubt he and Sera had a future together. That was, if he could get through the day without royally pissing her off.

  “What’s the problem, then? Bring her along.”

  “It’s not that easy. She’s got some things going on right now.”

  “Man, I don’t know what to tell you. I get that you love her and have for a long time. But now is not the time to let a woman drive you crazy.”

  His head dropped. His lungs heaved in a deep breath. Too late for that. She’d been doing it for years.

  “Ty, listen. You know whatever you decide I’ll have your back, but this is a pretty big deal. Mark’s called and so has Levi. They aren’t happy about this. I have to say, I’m not crazy about it either. It’s kind of messed up. This was our big break. Not to mention the money we’ll lose. What could be so important that you’d throw all of that away?

  Tyler closed his eyes when he said, “She has PTSD.” Even now, he hated the thought of it.

  • • •

  Stretching her hands out until the tingling sensation stopped, Sera resumed her hold on the steering wheel. The hard plastic curled underneath her fingers was both terrifying and exciting at the same time. The thrill of being in the driver seat wasn’t something she’d expected. It was her own stubbornness that kept her from driving. Not a fear or threat that she might do something wrong. She could drive. She knew that. It was like a bicycle. Once you learned, the foundation never left. Her worry was that, like the train, every time she was behind the wheel she might float back to that sun-filled day. She would do anything to keep that day from taking over her head—anything.

  Her heart pattered a little dance. The urge to cry was prominent, but it was tears of joy. She wasn’t thinking about Afghanistan. She was happy, except not so much with Tyler. His mood and his lack of interest in the progress she’d just made irritated the hell out of her.

  Giving the car another look, she got out and thanked the salesman for his time, informing him she was interested, just not today. Then, taking in a small circle of the lot, she saw Tyler positioned between two cars. His wide shoulders snapped back tight and high as he raked a hand through his hair repeatedly. What he was suddenly so stressed about, she didn’t know. The idea of it being solely about leaving didn’t seem right with all the calls of the day, though.

  She smoothed her hands against her jeans and took in a deep breath, exhaling slowly. He was headlining a major tour in three days and she was sulking because he wasn’t paying attention to her. Nice, Sera.

  Tyler didn’t say much on the way home. Then again, it was hard to have a conversation when his phone rang every few minutes. He never took the calls. He either rejected them or he let it ring until his voicemail picked up. After about the eighth or ninth time, he turned the phone off completely. Seeing his obvious distress, Sera wished the people who dictated his life would leave him alone so that they could enjoy their last evening together. But between the silence and constant interruptions it didn’t seem possible.

  By the time they were almost home, she needed to find an end to the discomfort, afraid if she didn’t, the day would finish out just like the afternoon had gone: quiet and unsettling. She couldn’t go through the next few hours like that. She needed some kind of reassurance that they’d be all right once he left, so she asked him to stop when they came to the railroad crossing.

  Tyler darted a rough glare. “Not tonight. I can’t do this tonight.”

  She wasn’t sure what he meant. All she wanted was to talk, but then, realizing where they were, that he probably thought she wanted to wait for a train. “I just want to talk.”

  “We can talk at home.”

  The forceful way talk at home came out was a loud and clear message that he had something to say too and that she likely didn’t want to hear what it was.

  Craziness filled her head with all sorts of ideas drumming up. Was she just a fling? Did he ever have intentions for them to have a future together? If not, then what was all the talk about her going with him? Her hands began to shake, her stomach churned, and her pulse flew away. Once more, she was completely confused and questioned her judgment. Something hadn’t been right all day. She’d wanted to believe it was, though, and had written it off as a part of the hectic life Tyler led.

  Pressure built behind her lids. The dam was ready to burst. She wanted to let it go, to bury her hands in her face and bawl her eyes out, but he’d seen enough of her tears the last three weeks. She wasn’t giving him the privilege of seeing any more.

  CHAPTER 24

  Tyler pulled to a stop in front of Roy’s. Turning off the engine, neither he nor Sera got out. His distance that day had drawn a wedge between them again and as unintentional as it was, he couldn’t help it. Between the calls from his band and another one from Bradley, his nerves were fried. Jayson, although not happy about it, understood. No one else did. The abundance of text messages he’d received in response to his ignored calls let him know how they felt. The only thing they understood was that he was stomping out their biggest break as a group and he’d made the decision without consulting them first. He realized how unfair it was now. The band might carry his name, but there were five other men who contributed. As it stood, his recording contract wasn’t the only thing he might lose. If he didn’t board the bus on Wednesday, he might very well lose some damn good musicians too.

  The longer they sat there, the thicker the air became. The pressure was unbearable. Inhalin
g deeply, Tyler tried to forge some relief, then rolled down the window to let in some fresh air. Looking out, he finally said, “I canceled the tour.”

  Sera spun around. “You what?”

  “I canceled the tour. I’m staying here.”

  Fumbling with her seatbelt, she threw it over her shoulder. “Why on earth would you do that?”

  He propped an arm up on the door. “Because you need me.”

  Her temper flamed just like he knew it would. “I need you?” The sarcasm poured out of her mouth. “You’re walking away from your biggest break because I need you? Well, that’s just stupid.”

  He winced. “I don’t see it that way.”

  “I don’t need you, Tyler!”

  Pulling on the handle, she gave the door a shove with her shoulder and jumped out. She was at the steps before he could catch up.

  “I can’t consciously leave you like this,” he confessed.

  “Maybe your conscience should have spoken up when you kept calling me out for not being open with you,” she shouted back. “When did you decide this, anyway?”

  His head hung. The decision he’d made without consulting others who were involved was coming back to bite him. “A few days ago.”

  “Ha.” She laughed sourly. “Well, did it ever occur to you that maybe you should have told me about it before now? Jesus, you’re supposed to leave in the morning.”

  “I was waiting to see what my record label had to say.”

  “And what did they say?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “The hell it doesn’t. You’ve worked too hard for this. I’m not letting you screw it up. What did they say?”

  He hated to say the words. “They’ll void my contract.”

  “Void. What does that mean, exactly?”

  “It means I lose the deal I currently have.” He was signed on for one more record, but recording another album was the least of his worries. He left out that he could be sued for breach of contract. He hoped it didn’t come to that.

  • • •

  Her feet heavy with every lift, Sera ascended the porch stairs slowly. Her hands hadn’t stopped shaking since Tyler told her they needed to talk. She fumbled with the zipper on her purse. Snagging it, she had to close it up to get it back on track before trying again.

  The talk wasn’t anything like she’d imagined. Instead of dumping her, he told her he was staying. That should have made her ecstatic, but the fact that he was doing so because she needed him shot anger straight through her heart. She’d been clear about not wanting his pity and all along that was exactly what he’d been doing.

  Opening the door with a shove of her shoulder, the weight of the tears gave way. Streams rolled over her cheeks. She didn’t bother to wipe them away. Her wounded pride was the least of her worries.

  Dropping her purse inside the door, she pummeled down the hall to Tyler’s room. Closing and locking the door behind her, she sank to the floor. Sobs, deep within, sneaked to the surface. She jammed her fist to her eyes, trying to absorb the wetness. It didn’t help—as soon as she moved them away, the moisture collected again.

  And to think she’d been starting to feel whole again. She’d begun eating more and sleeping better. She was able to maintain focus and keep on task. She laughed. She smiled. And she’d cried—something she rarely let herself do. The tears hadn’t stopped falling since Tyler arrived. She’d felt all the things she’d been keeping buried inside. It was coming back to her. She was coming back. Unfortunately, Tyler didn’t see that. All he saw were her wounds and she was afraid that was all he was ever going to see.

  Standing with purpose, she grabbed the suitcase sitting on the floor by the closet and tossed it onto the bed. Then, picking up the pile of clean clothes that sat on top of the dresser, she started packing his suitcase.

  • • •

  Tyler jostled the doorknob. “Sera, open the door.”

  No answer. He knocked, then tried to open it.

  “Sera, open the damn door.”

  Nothing came. Giving the door a whack with the palm of his hand, he tried again. “Sera, open the door and talk to me.”

  After several more minutes of pleading and pounding, he gave up. Sliding down the wall to the floor, he sat, trying to figure out a way to make this right. The repeated stress of the day caught up with him. His whole body, inside and out, ached as if his zest for life was drained. There was no reason to keep wasting what little energy he had left trying to get Sera to open the door and talk to him. She was being unreasonable again. No matter what he said, he wouldn’t be able to rationalize his decision with her now. Time and space were her only friends at times like this. When she calmed down, she’d be easier to talk to. Unfortunately, time was of the essence. “Can you at least tell me what you’re doing in there?”

  She didn’t answer right away. He thought for sure she’d continue to ignore him. A few minutes passed.

  “Packing,” she finally said, so low he barely heard. “I won’t let you do this.”

  “Don’t you think I should have a say in what I do?”

  “Did you think to consider my thoughts when you decided that I needed you to stay here and babysit me?”

  Hearing her more clearly, he knew she was just on the other side of the door. So close, yet so far away. “I’ve been doing nothing but thinking about what was best for you since I saw you standing out in the yard. The fact that we are having this conversation shows that.”

  “This isn’t what’s best for me. Jesus, Tyler! I carry enough guilt. I don’t need you adding to it.”

  He stood, leaning sideways against the door. If he could just get her to open up. “You have nothing to feel guilty about. It’s my choice.”

  “You’re making that choice because of me.”

  She was there. Two inches of wood was all that divided them. He wanted to reach out and touch her. No, he needed to. He needed her. “I did it for me.” He waited for a response. When nothing came, he continued. “I didn’t do it because you need me. I did it because I need you.”

  Forever seemed to pass. The drawn-out silence had Tyler wondering what Sera might be thinking or if she’d listened to anything he’d said. Finally he heard the click of the lock. He stepped back as the door eased open.

  She stood, her arms wrapped around her stomach, on the other side of the threshold. The streaks of red painting her cheeks burned his gut. Stepping in, he scooped her to him, planting his face in the crook of her neck. He breathed her in, holding her close, never wanting to lose the feeling of having her in his arms.

  “You need to go,” she whispered, tears streaming again.

  He firmed his hold around her waist. “I need to be here.”

  “No,” she declared.

  “Then come with me,” he asked, his voice breaking. “Maybe I’m a selfish bastard for asking, but come with me. Please.”

  Stepping back, she wouldn’t look at him. “I can’t. If you don’t leave, I will.”

  He called her bluff. “Where will you go?”

  “My mom’s.”

  His eyes cast to the floor before looking back up. Sincerity reflected back at him. She would find a way to Chicago tonight if he stayed and that was the last place he wanted her. He was pretty certain Sylvia couldn’t provide the support Sera needed. Closing his eyes, he turned to the side. His throat balled tightly. Nodding forward, he said “Tomorrow. I’ll leave tomorrow.”

  “Tonight,” she answered, handing over his suitcase. “Tomorrow will only make this harder. I need you to leave tonight.”

  CHAPTER 25

  It wasn’t Tyler’s beautiful lashes puddled with moisture Sera kept thinking about. Nor the hurt she felt when his eyes went askew every time she looked at him. The way his mouth twisted in a knot as he gathered the rest of his things stabbed at her heart, but she could push that aside too. It was the picture of the back of his head, as he walked out the door, that she couldn’t rid her mind of.

  The haircut
he’d needed three weeks ago was now long overdue. The dark strands had lost the curl to their ends, but still hung in a thick wave. It was the only wave she got. He didn’t kiss her goodbye or so much as bid a farewell hug. He stood in the doorway for a moment, letting her take in all his hurt and confusion, before saying, “Don’t do this. Fight for us, Sera.” She nearly did. Her mind said go, but her feet stayed planted, and when she had no response, he shut the door and left.

  He called twice, breaking her heart further each time the phone rang. The first call came roughly two hours after he left. The other she assumed was when he arrived back in Nashville. Both voicemails asked that she please talk to him. She was tempted, very tempted. She wanted to hear his voice more than anything and not through a recording. She wanted to know that he was going to be okay, but doing so would accomplish nothing at this point. He would ask her to come again and she’d refuse. Then they’d argue their points until it turned into a yelling match—or worse, a repeat of three years ago.

  There were two text messages when she woke. Again, he asked her to call and again, she chose not to. They both needed space to put their lives into perspective and remember what was important—his career and her recovery. Keeping hope that if they both kept that in mind, they might still have a future together, she made herself get out of bed and face the day. She forced down a bowl of cereal, barely tasting her favorite brand. A shower gave her some energy, but she lost the will to do much after that and ended up on the couch the biggest part of the day. Taking turns staring at the ceiling and doodling on a pad of paper, she cried off and on for hours, until she was sure she couldn’t cry anymore.

  He didn’t call that night, but he sent another text late.

  Busy day tomorrow. Radio Interview with WTEN in the morn. Meetings afterwards. Leaving in 2 days. We need to talk. I love you.

  Each time he reached out, she lost some of the willpower to keep distant. She missed the low, soothing sounds of his voice that lulled her to sleep and his high-pitched cackle that made her laugh. She grieved for memory of the way his eyes crinkled together when he was being sarcastic or funny, and how her skin tingled from his touch. Her body ached from the loss of being surrounded in his arms. The knotting and cramping of her stomach kept her from eating anything further after breakfast, any hunger blinded by the sorrow. The tightness in her shoulders exuded up into her head. The haze from little sleep and perpetual tears left her in a fog. She hadn’t felt this disturbed since returning from overseas and she wasn’t sure that she’d been this physically distraught then. Rollins hadn’t crossed her mind in days, and all her worries of slipping back into the austerity of his memory seemed for naught now. The only thing fueling her misery was not being with Tyler.