Crazy Sexy Love

by Alison G. Bailey

  555-5000: Hey, Sophie. This is Nick. Hart’s friend. Would you like to go out to dinner sometime?

  What kind of man would ask a woman like Sophie out on a date via text? A fucking classless one. I knew my gut instinct was right about this dude. No way was he good enough for Soph. Too bad he didn’t get the point after our little talk. Once again, I was going to have to intervene. I had to protect Soph from this obvious loser. I pressed my fingertip down on the text, causing the “reply now” box to appear.

  Me as Sophie: Sorry, Rick, I have no recollection of you.

  555-5000: It’s Nick. I play on Hart’s basketball team.

  Me as Sophie: Oh yeah. Thick neck Nick. I have to give you a big no on dinner.

  555-5000: Sorry to hear that. If it helps to change your mind, Hart really likes the idea and thinks we’d hit it off.

  This motherfucker wasn’t going down without a fight. And Hart, my supposed best friend, was not helping matters with his ringing endorsement of this ill-fated relationship.

  Me as Sophie: I’m a lesbian.

  555-5000: ??? Hart never mentioned that.

  Out of nowhere, a noise came from the bathroom startling the shit out of me. Sweat popped out over my palms, causing the phone to slip and slide as I desperately tried to hold onto it. Once I had a descent grip, my fingers flew over the letters.

  Me as Sophie: I just flipped last week. Hart doesn’t know. Don’t out me. See ya.

  I fumbled with the phone as if it were a hot potato. It occurred to me, Sophie would see the texts. Another noise came from the bathroom. Panic coursed through my body. Then miracles of all miracles, the entire home screen came to life. Thank you iOS fuck up. I quickly deleted the damning evidence before setting the phone back down on the dresser. Before my brain communicated to my legs to get the hell out of there, Sophie emerged from her bathroom with her hair up, wearing only a towel.

  She looked up, saw me, and screamed. “Get out!”

  I froze. Shock and horror permeated to my very bones. Sophie’s face turned red as a beet. But anger wasn’t the only thing on her face. Below her slender nose stuck a long strip of white paper.

  “Holy shit, you really do have a mustachification,” I said dazed.

  Sophie grabbed one of the purple pillows off her bed and hurled it at me. “I said get out! And I do not have a mustache!”

  “Then what is that thing above your lip?”

  She picked up another pillow that I thought she was going to throw at me, but instead she held it in front of her mouth.

  “You were supposed to be out all day! How dare you invade my privacy!”

  “I needed to take a quick shower!”

  “Then why are you skulking around?!” she yelled behind the pillow.

  “I’m out of towels, Yosemite Sam! I had no idea you were home transitioning into a woman. Where’s your car?”

  “The emergency light came on after yoga class, so Bryson followed me to the auto place then brought me home! I swear, Doug, if you tell anyone about this…”

  “Shouldn’t you be twisting the end of your stache between your fingers while making idle threats?”

  A loud growl exploded out of Sophie as another pillow came flying through the air. I ducked in time for it to whiz over my head. I stepped back intending to leave but stopped.

  Smiling, I said, “This is like our thing. You caught me naked coming out of the bathroom. Now I’m catching you…”

  “Get out!” Sophie screamed, slamming the door in my face.

  Not wanting to leave on a sour note, I said, “Soph, you look really hot in that towel! So much so, that it almost distracts completely from the caterpillar crawling above your lip!”

  Suddenly, the door flew open and a furious Sophie appeared. She charged, chasing me down the hall. I flew into my bedroom and quickly closed the door. Pressing my ear against the wood, I listened for any indication that she was back in her room. I slowly eased the door open. Scoping out the area, I ascertained the coast was clear, before making a mad dash to my bathroom.

  AFTER YESTERDAY’S MORTIFYING incident I did my best to avoid Doug. It was pretty easy since he texted me saying that he wouldn’t be home until later in the evening. I kept busy cleaning the entire downstairs and doing two loads of laundry. I made myself a chicken salad sandwich and grabbed a glass of wine before heading up to spend the rest of the night in my room binge-watching TV.

  Gone was the anxiety of the tender moment Doug and I shared last night. It had been sufficiently replaced by humiliation now that he was privy to my female maintenance regime. But today was a new day and I couldn’t spend it locked in my room.

  I pulled on my big girl panties along with baggy red sweat pants. Slipped on an oversized black sweatshirt and black and white polka dot socks. I gathered my hair into a high ponytail, inhaled a deep breath, and headed downstairs. I was halfway down the steps when I saw the top of Doug’s head. He was sitting on the sofa. Standing tall, I squared my shoulders and moved forward. As I got closer it was obvious he was still in his pj’s, a navy blue T-shirt and gray pants. Even from my vantage point, everything looked soft and cuddly.

  Soft and cuddly?

  I shook my head flinging the stupid thoughts right out of it.

  Trotting down the remaining steps, I zipped past Doug without uttering a word. In the kitchen, I made a mug of coffee and a slice of cheese toast before heading back into the living room. I planted myself in the comfy overstuffed chair across from Doug. Glancing over at him, I noticed he had on a pair of dark-rimmed glasses. That was new to me. It was also sexy as hell, sending all sorts of chills and thrills inside and outside of my body. His sock covered feet were propped up on the coffee table while he focused on the magazine he was holding.

  I took a sip of coffee followed by a bite of crunchy toast. My chewing filled the quiet room, sounding like I had a mouthful of rocks. Doug didn’t look up or say a word. There was no acknowledgment whatsoever that I had entered the room. However, I knew his game. He was toying with me, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. No doubt he had come up with some real zingers about what he witnessed.

  But I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. Doug had greatly underestimated me. I was no sitting duck. I put my coffee and what was left of my toast on the coffee table. I leaned back, sat up tall, and braced myself for the onslaught of jokes and smartass remarks.

  I cleared my throat dramatically. “Okay, let’s get it over with.”

  Doug’s bright green eyes peered over the top of the magazine. “Good morning, Sunshine.” I heard the joy in his voice. “Get over what?”

  I huffed. “You know.”

  “No idea what you’re talking about.” He still hadn’t put down the magazine.

  “Quips, puns, witticisms, side-ticklers, wisecracks, etc.”

  “Ab-ou-ou-ou-t?”

  “Really, Doug? You’re going to make me say it?”

  He finally laid the magazine down on his lap. “Soph, this—” —his index finger swung between us— “is Vegas.”

  My eyes closed as I tried to tamp down my annoyance. “What?”

  “You and I are Vegas, baby. What happens between us, stays between us.”

  I opened my mouth to come back with a sharp retort. But when my eyes met his, I saw a strange yet sweet gleam. An unfamiliar sensation warmed my body, causing me to believe deep down that we were Vegas.

  “Well, okay then. Thanks. You know lots of women have to do it. I don’t have to, but I choose to. It’s just a little bit of peach fuzz. Not really even noticeable.”

  He raised his hand stopping my rambling. “No explanation necessary.”

  Doug gave me a sweet smile before going back to reading his magazine.

  Leaning forward, I grabbed my coffee and was able to see the name of the magazine.

  “Biotech Today?” Confusion laced my voice. “What are you doing reading a magazine like that?”

  His gaze lifted. “Because I’m a biotechnologist.”
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  Laugher and a tiny bit of coffee squirted out of my mouth. “Get the fuck outta here.”

  “You get the fuck outta here,” he teased.

  “I thought you worked for a food company,” I said.

  “I do.”

  “I’ve known you for five years. How did I not know this?”

  “You never asked.”

  “You’re serious?”

  “Yep.”

  “You must have to be incredibly intelligent to be in that field.” He shrugged his shoulders like it was no big deal. I knew I was probably pushing it since he’d been nice to give me a reprieve on what he saw in my room, but I had to ask, “Then why do you act like that?”

  “Like what?”

  I chuckled. “You know… Like you.”

  He closed the magazine. “Do you even know what biotechnology is?”

  My eyes squinted and my nose crinkled. “I don’t know the official definition.”

  “That bread you’re eating… Any idea where it came from?”

  I glanced at my toast and then back to Doug. “Whole Foods?”

  “Biotechnology provides products and technologies to combat debilitating and rare diseases, reduce our environmental footprint, feed the hungry, use less and cleaner energy, and have safer, cleaner and more efficient industrial manufacturing processes. It has a long history of use in food production and processing. Fermentation, which is a form of biotechnology, has been used to produce wine, beer, and bread.”

  “I’m liking it already.” I tossed him a slight smile and waggled my eyebrows.

  “Selective breeding of essential foods such as rice, corn, and wheat have created thousands of local varieties with improved yield compared to their wild ancestors. I work for Bio Organic. We help underprivileged communities here in the US and third world countries, teaching them and providing financial assistance for sustainable organic farming.”

  “So you work to stop hunger and feed the world?”

  “You know what they say, “Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Show a man how to fish, he can get his own then you can go home early.”

  “That is so not what they say.”

  “You sure?” I nodded my response. “No matter. You get my drift.”

  “Who are you?”

  He smirked. “The star of your wet dreams.”

  “And he’s back, ladies and gentlemen.” I raised my coffee mug as if I were toasting.

  Doug crossed his arms over his chest, his biceps stretching out the relaxed material. “Why are you so shocked at my career?”

  I held my index finger up while taking a long drink. I needed a few seconds to come up with a better answer than, “Because I got the impression you were sorely lacking in brain cells.” Tilting my head all the way back, I drained the last bit of coffee from my mug.

  “Aw, good to the last drop,” I said.

  “So why the shock?”

  He wasn’t going to let this go.

  “I thought science guys were supposed to be nerds who wore high-waisted pants and pocket protectors.”

  “Oh, I thought it was because you thought I was stupid.”

  “Whatever gave you that idea?”

  “The fact that you call me idiot and moron is a pretty good clue.”

  The most innocent expression I could possibly muster spread across my face. “Endearing pet names.”

  Narrowing his eyes, Doug shook his head then picked up his magazine and flipped through the pages. Reaching toward the coffee table, I grabbed my iPad and brought up the day’s news. For several minutes, the two of us sat in an easy and comfortable silence.

  “What time do you want to leave for Hart and Bryson’s?” Doug said.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Dinner. You’re going, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, since you’re without a car I figured I’d give you a ride.”

  Even though it made more sense that we ride together, I didn’t want to take Doug up on his offer. He’d only been here for a few days and somehow was worming his way into my life a bit too much and too fast for my taste. I needed to make sure he stayed on the outside. If I accepted his offer today, I would be allowing him more access to my private life.

  “That’s okay, I’ll Uber.” I heard the ruffle of paper. Looking up, I was met by bright green eyes. “Why are you staring at me?”

  “Soph, it doesn’t make sense for you to Uber when we’re going to the same place at the same time.”

  “I have something to do beforehand.”

  “What?”

  “Errands.”

  “I’ll take you.”

  “Thanks, but no thanks.” My gaze dropped back down to my iPad.

  “I’m going to bug you until you say yes, so you may as well give in now.”

  I huffed out a deep breath. “I think you need to respect boundaries. Just because we’re cohabitating at the moment doesn’t mean my private life is an open book.”

  “These errands you have to do… are they to buy lady products?” He loud whispered the last two words.

  I rolled my eyes. “No.”

  “It’s only a ride, Soph. I’ll mind my own business and just drive. I’ll even close my eyes if you want.”

  We exchanged smiles.

  He had a point and it would be a lot easier and quicker to have a car at my disposal instead of waiting on one.

  TO HIS CREDIT, Doug drove without giving me the third degree when we stopped at the Italian bakery or the florist. And never asked me what was in the large tote bag I carried. But I knew he’d have questions about the final stop before heading to our friend’s house. I was about to share a part of my life that I rarely did except with Bryson.

  “Turn left at the next entrance, behind the Lowcountry Assisted Living sign. You can park in the back lot. It’s easier,” I directed him.

  Doug took in the sights as he searched for a parking space. He pulled into a spot and turned the car off. Before he had a chance to speak, my door was open, and I was gathering up my things.

  “You don’t need to come in,” I said pushing my purse onto my shoulder.

  “I don’t mind.”

  Holding the bouquet and bakery bag in one hand, I said, “I won’t be too long.”

  “Soph…”

  As I reached for the tote bag, my purse slipped off my shoulder, causing me to almost drop everything. While fumbling, I felt Doug behind me. His large hand reached around me, bringing his mouth dangerously close to my ear.

  “Let me help you,” he whispered, his warm breath sending tingles all over my body.

  Doug grabbed the tote and stepped back. I straightened and readjusted my purse.

  Extending my hand, I said, “Thanks. I can take that now.”

  “Damn, woman, you’re hardheaded.” And with that, he slung the tote over his shoulder, turned, and walked toward the building.

  I power walked across the parking lot trying to catch up with him. “Hold up! You don’t even know where you’re going.”

  Doug was waiting on me at the door with a huge smile spread across his face. He opened the door and I silently walked through and down the hallway leaving him in my dust.

  Anxiety gripped my chest the closer I got to the room. My intention wasn’t to hide the reason I was here from Doug. After all, I accepted the ride. Except for that one moment the other night, our relationship was full of jokes, insults, and flirting. And I was about to give him access to a part of my life that wasn’t a joke. The door was ajar when I got to the room. I lightly knocked at the same time poking my head inside the room.

  She was sitting in her wheelchair, looking out the large double window. The pale yellow prayer shawl that one of the ladies at church knitted for her was draped around her small, frail body.

  “Ciao, Nonnina,” I said in a sing-song tone.

  She turned toward me, her face lighting up with a sweet smile.

  My grandmother raised her thin arms waiting for
a hug. “Bella stella.”

  I put everything I was holding down on the dresser and walked over to her. Bending down, I wrapped my arms around her. My cheek brushed against the gray bun twisted on top of her head. When I pulled back to look at her, she took my face into her hands, like always, and beamed up at me before planting a kiss on each cheek.

  There was a soft knock on the door. I knew it was Doug without looking.

  “Nonnina, ho portato un amico,” I said, letting her know the stranger standing in her doorway was with me.

  I motioned for Doug to come inside the room. With a slightly confused look on his face, he walked in, placing the tote on the end of the bed.

  “Doug, this is my grandmother, Giavanna Cipriano. Nonnina, questo è Doug Truman.”

  “Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Cipriano.” Doug took her hand and placed a light kiss on the back of it.

  Nonnina’s cheeks pinked up and her eyelashes fluttered behind her glasses.

  “Sophia, lui è molto bello e affascinante,” she said, eyeing Doug up and down.

  Doug stood next to me smirking. “Granny thinks I’m hot.”

  “For your information, she said you could stand a shower and a bottle of mouthwash.”

  “Nah. No matter the age or the language I can tell when a woman finds me scorching.”

  “Bella stella, don’t tease your special friend,” Nonnina said in her thick Italian accent.

  The shocked look on Doug’s face was priceless. “You speak English?”

  “Eh, a little.” She winked.

  “Don’t let her fool you. She speaks perfect English. She just likes to test me,” I said smiling.

  Doug’s face reddened. “So you understood the hot comment?”

  “I did.”

  “Um… I’m sorry. I meant no disrespect.”