Killer Carat Cream

by Patrice Lyle

  "I don't call murder nothing." Detective Franks edged closer and whipped out his notebook. "Start talking, blondie."

  Tattoo Tex stiffened. "That's not a polite way to address a lady."

  Detective Franks narrowed his eyes and pulled out a stick of gum. He slowly unwrapped it. "You two are together, I take it?"

  Aunt Alfa laughed. "You're a real Einstein."

  The detective folded the gum, stuck it in his mouth, and glared at Aunt Alfa. "What murder?"

  Aunt Alfa waved her hand. "Aw, this pink-haired psychic named Mystic Ming dropped dead from some poisoned kung pao in Manatee, Florida, at a psychic fair Pipe and I attended. They thought I whacked Mystic Ming, but I didn't."

  "Poisoned kung pao?" Detective Franks' face tightened. "You were a suspect?"

  I stepped in front of Aunt Alfa. "She was a person of interest. My aunt was never arrested, so she wasn't an official suspect."

  He didn't look convinced. "A buddy of mine's on the Manatee PD, so I'll get the scoop on what happened."

  My pulse took off. "I have some information that might be helpful to your case. This case," I added.

  "What?"

  I hated to rat out Winnie, but family first. I recounted my conversation with Winnie in the hallway about killing the stress and about how Winnie had handled Dr. J's bejeweled Carat Cream jar in our hotel room.

  "Winnie actually mentioned killing her main stressor?" the detective asked.

  I nodded as guilt flooded every cell in my body.

  The detective's eyebrows drew together. For having so little hair on his head, his eyebrows were surprisingly thick. Rogaine, perhaps? He took a few more notes and slammed the notebook shut.

  "I'll look into Winnie very carefully," he said. "Thanks."

  I felt about a centimeter tall. "No problem."

  "You three wait till you're called for your interviews, all right?" Detective Franks walked away, headed for Dr. J's dead body.

  * * *

  "That detective needs some wheatgrass or something. He's so irritable that he's got to be nutritionally deficient." Aunt Alfa looked concerned when she returned from her interview. She joined Tattoo Tex and me in the corner of the conference room where we sat scarfing chocolates. I was enjoying dark-chocolate-covered almonds, and Tex was enjoying chocolate caramels.

  Gotta love a man who loves chocolate.

  "I reckon he grilled you about the brouhaha that Doc told me about?" Tex popped another chocolate in his mouth.

  "Impressive for a gal my age, huh?" Aunt Alfa's eyes glistened.

  Tattoo Tex nodded. "Sure thang, ma'am."

  "I told that detective that I didn't even make contact with the deceased because she dodged me." Aunt Alfa tightened a teal foam roller on the top of her head. "I need to talk to my sensei about my strategy. I should have caught that maneuver and clocked her."

  "Aunt Alfa." I shot a worried look around the room, but luckily no one seemed to have overheard. "Let's kill the karate comments until we get home."

  "Fine by me, Pipe." She flashed me a cute auntie grin.

  "What else did he ask you about?" I gestured for her to sit in an empty chair beside me.

  "He asked if I knew the deceased, which I didn't. Then he asked me about what happened in Florida, and I told him I had nothing to do with that murder."

  Tex handed me a dark-chocolate-covered almond. "I reckon being at two deaths isn't good for any of us."

  "Probably not," Aunt Alfa said. "I ran into that front desk girl in the hallway, and she said Detective Franks probably hopes this is a murder because he's dying to get a promotion."

  Oh, for the love of dark chocolate mousse.

  One of the Hardy Boy look-alikes stepped into the room. "Dr. Piper Meadows? Can you please come with me?"

  I rose. "My turn."

  Tattoo Tex cradled my hand. "Everything's going to be okay, Doc."

  I squeezed his hand and wished I shared his enthusiasm. But memories of the crowd's response during the brouhaha rolled through my mind. They'd rooted for Aunt Alfa, and no one had tried to help Dr. J.

  Could a killer be lurking in our midst?

  I walked toward the policeman and followed him into a nearby conference room that had been set up for the investigation. Detective Franks sat behind a conference room table and rose when I walked in.

  He gestured at the chair on the other side of table. "Please have a seat."

  I did as instructed and the policeman walked out, leaving me alone with the detective.

  "Please state your name and address," he said, opening a small notepad.

  "Dr. Piper Meadows, ND." Then I rattled off my address in Sea Spray, Maryland.

  His brow furrowed. "Did you say MD?"

  "No, ND. Naturopathic doctor."

  He scribbled on a notepad. "You're one of those natural remedy doctors?"

  "Yes." I was too worried about Aunt Alfa to launch into a discussion about my profession, much less defend it.

  "Can you tell me about this event? What was the party for, and who sponsored it?"

  "Tonight's party was to launch a new Sparkle O product called Carat Cream. It's a super exfoliator because of the microscopic diamond dust."

  He took a few notes. "Can you provide me a guest list?"

  "Sure. I can email it to you as soon as we're done."

  He handed me a business card. "Email address is on there. Did you invite the guests?"

  "No, Sparkle O did."

  "Did you know any of the guests?"

  "Not before tonight."

  He cocked his head. "What about Dr. J?"

  "No, I just met her today."

  "Did your aunt know Dr. J?"

  A frisson of fear shot down my neck. "No, she didn't."

  "Can you please tell me about the altercation that occurred between your aunt and the deceased?"

  I gulped. "Sure." I told him exactly what happened, blow by dodging blow. And I was sure to specify that Aunt Alfa hadn't actually hit Dr. J.

  "Your aunt never actually assaulted the victim then?"

  I blinked. The word assault sounded awful. "That's right."

  "But she intended to?"

  "I guess so, but Dr. J took a swing at her too."

  "That sounds like self-defense."

  "What about Dr. J's rude ham comment? I thought hate crimes were illegal these days?"

  "Not against pigs but murdering another human being's a crime. And something tells me the victim didn't die of natural causes. I'd bet my promotion she was murdered."

  CHAPTER FIVE

  The Ghost of Mystic Ming

  Later that evening, after being questioned, Tattoo Tex stowed his luggage in his room—including the delightful comforter—and the three of us retired to Aunt Alfa's and my room.

  I immediately phoned Sparkle O to report the incident. Something like this could stall sales and possibly bankrupt the company, which would put an end to my discount access to sparkly cosmetics.

  "Thanks for the heads up, Dr. Piper," a perky sales rep said. "Sparkle O loves to be apprised of any issues. And it sounds like this one is a doozy."

  "You're not kidding." An image of Dr. J's dead body flashed into my mind, and I shivered. The shock was starting to wear off, and my stomach clenched.

  I actually found Perky Sparkle O Girl's rapid typing somewhat soothing.

  "I researched the bar code for the full-sized demo jar we sent you." She was all business now. "It definitely passed our stringent QA processes, so if it was tampered with, it must have been tampered with after it left our plant."

  "That's what I figured." Which meant Aunt Alfa's fingerprints were all over the jar due to her glue-gun extravaganza. A piece of evidence that Detective Franks would surely notice. "Thanks."

  "Good night, Dr. Piper."

  "Night." I hung up and scooted closer to Tattoo Tex on the couch. I relayed my conversation to them.

  "I reckon it's odd that someone Dr. J's age would just drop dead."

  "I ag
ree. I mean, she could have had an embolism, but I have a feeling someone killed her."

  "From what you said, no one liked her much, Doc."

  "What if it had nothing to do with Dr. J? What if one of the guests is a secret Sparkle O competitor and wanted to wipe out Carat Cream sales?" Aunt Alfa stood near the dresser and popped a kernel of organic popcorn into her mouth. "All's fair in love and the pursuit of exfoliation."

  Interesting theory. Aunt Alfa could be on to something.

  Tattoo Tex chuckled. "You never know. Crazier things have happened."

  "You got that right, like that detective overhearing us talk about Florida." That was a bad stroke of luck.

  Aunt Alfa popped another kernel of organic popcorn into her mouth. "Yeah, but I calmed that down with more talk of the kielbasa. Distraction is a great ploy."

  "One that might have made you look guilty, like you're trying to divert attention away from yourself."

  "I didn't do anything, Pipe. Last time I was cleared."

  "True, but I'm still worried."

  I should have brought my PI flash cards.

  Tattoo Tex adjusted his leg without disturbing Brownie, who was happily curled up in his lap. "What worries me is if the Carat Cream was poisoned, and you'd applied it on Dr. J's face. I reckon we all know what could have happened."

  A moment of silence hung in the air.

  Aunt Alfa's eyes misted. "You could have been killed, Pipe. What would I do without my one and only niece?"

  Tattoo Tex sniffed. "I couldn't live without my sparkly doc."

  Now it was my turn to sniff. "Aw, you guys."

  Never one to be left out of anything, Brownie lifted his snout and let out a loud, wwweee! Then he twirled around in Tattoo Tex's lap before settling down again.

  I laughed but realized the seriousness of the situation. "Tex makes a good point. What if someone wanted to do me in too?"

  Tattoo Tex's jaw tightened. "Or still does."

  A chill passed through me, so I scooted closer to Tex.

  Aunt Alfa flexed her arm. "I'll take on anyone who wants to hurt you. Tae Kwon Do has taught me well."

  Tattoo Tex tipped his cowboy hat. "I'll put on my boots and kick 'em till they squeal for their mama."

  I smiled, but a chill settled on the back of my neck. "Sparkle O invited tonight's guests, so I don't know these people personally. I can't imagine any of them would want to harm me."

  But what if?

  "If it was murder then the killer's still here. I reckon we need to conduct our own investigation. Make sure you weren't the intended victim."

  Another chill passed through me, and I knew Tattoo Tex was right. "I didn't bring my PI flash cards. Maybe I can download them again?"

  Aunt Alfa grinned. "I brought them, Pipe. Just in case."

  "In case of what?"

  "In case of this." She gestured at the three of us and strode toward her bed where her leopard-print suitcase lay. She opened it and produced my trusty PI flash cards along with a set of white pillar candles.

  I'll never understand how my auntie's mind works, and I was too afraid to ask.

  "Are those candles thar?"

  Aunt Alfa nodded. "In case we need to do a séance to conjure up Mystic Ming."

  Tattoo Tex's face paled. "No more séances for me."

  "Aw, you'll get used to it. Pipe and I went to a heck of a séance once."

  "Yeah, and it ended up costing me three hundred dollars in burnt-up drapes," I said. "No séances and especially not to contact a rude pink-haired psychic."

  Mystic Ming had amped up my curly-haired-girl drama in Florida when he'd said my hair looked like a dung beetle's nest. And then, after his untimely death, he'd continued to haunt me via text message. I wasn't willing to go another round, even if he could somehow help us with this investigation.

  Aunt Alfa scowled and put the candles back in her suitcase. "I'll go ask that lady at the coffee shop wearing that green and yellow muumuu to help us out. Her dress and head wrap make her look like one of those telephone psychics."

  "Aunt Alfa, that lady was wearing an ethnic outfit."

  "That wasn't ethnic, Pipe. That had 1-800-Psychics all over it."

  I took a deep breath and counted all the Sparkle O eyeliners I owned. When I got to twenty-three, I looked at my beloved auntie. "You're not to ask that woman anything."

  "Fine." Aunt Alfa sat on her bed and pouted. Then she shuffled the PI flash cards as if she were a Vegas dealer.

  "I reckon your idea about a séance wouldn't work anyway, Aunt Alfa."

  "Why not?" Aunt Alfa jutted out her bony jaw. "Maybe the ghost of Mystic Ming could help us out? He has access to cosmic information."

  Right.

  "Ming's been dead for a couple of months, so I'm sure he's gone to the light by now," Tattoo Tex said. "Isn't that what ghosts allegedly do?"

  My phone buzzed in my pocket, making my pulse race like a knife-wielding lunatic was after me. This couldn't be happening.

  Was it Mystic Ming?

  I looked at Tattoo Tex. His mouth hung open like a flytrap. Aunt Alfa jumped up and did a happy dance.

  "Why are you so excited?" I asked. "You didn't believe Mystic Ming was texting me last time?"

  She laughed. "I was set in my ways back then."

  "Aunt Alfa, that was only two months ago."

  "I've been researching psychic phenomena. Contrary to popular belief, you can teach a hot antique new tricks." A Cheshire-cat-like grin spread across Aunt Alfa's face, and she shot me a theatrical wink. "You'll have to trust me on this one, Pipe."

  I wasn't touching that one with a ten-foot sparkly eyeliner.

  "See if it's him." Aunt Alfa sounded thrilled.

  "I bet it's a patient." At least I hoped it was.

  I pulled out my cell phone while Tattoo Tex joined Aunt Alfa and me near the bed. I angled the phone so we could all read the tiny screen. The message made me gasp.

  You find killer, Dr. Piper. This Dr. J woman causing big trouble for Mystic Ming on the other side.

  Holy chocolate babka! It was Mystic Ming!

  CHAPTER SIX

  Two Lefts and an Off-Brand Anti-Defrizzer!

  "Huh. I reckon the little pink-haired dude didn't go to the light yet." Tattoo Tex cleared his throat. "I wonder why."

  A second passed before another text appeared, and we had our answer.

  Spirit Guide say Mystic Ming not play nice in celestial sandbox. I lose game of tiddlywinks to Buddha. Since Buddha wearing yellow, I tell him he look like a yellow Caterpillar. Not the fuzzy kind. The Caterpillar backhoe kind. SG say Mystic Ming no go to light yet.

  "Sheesh." Tattoo Tex grimaced. "That's a little harsh."

  "Caterpillar backhoe." Aunt Alfa covered a giggle with her tiny hand. "I shouldn't laugh because it's so mean, but that's kind of funny."

  My phone dinged again.

  I like you now, Old Lady! Mystic Ming have many more remark to share.

  I shook my head. "Death hasn't changed Mystic Ming. He's still using a fake accent and committing verbal crimes against humanity." I glanced at my auntie, waiting for her to karate chop the phone.

  Aunt Alfa hated old lady comments.

  But instead she just smiled. "I like you too, Ming. You're real outspoken." Then she looked at the ceiling. "I have a question for you, Mystic Ming."

  My phone dinged.

  Go ahead, Aunt Alfa! Mystic Ming know a lot.

  Aunt Alfa lifted her chin. "Can you ask Dr. J if she thinks she had a heart attack, or if she was poisoned? She should be able to make a diagnosis since she's a doctor."

  Tattoo Tex nodded. "Good point. A doctor should be able to tell what did her in."

  "Thanks." Aunt Alfa tossed another piece of popcorn in her mouth.

  Was there something in the air on Annabelle Island? Since when did my auntie dismiss old lady comments? I needed dark chocolate, and I needed it now.

  "I'll be curious to see what Mystic Ming says." I made a beeline for my ni
ghtstand and retrieved a handful of dark chocolate almond clusters from my bag. I started popping them one-by-one like an addict. Mmm. Delish.

  Stress made my CDCD (compulsive dark chocolate disorder) worse.

  The three of us perched on the edge of my bed, waiting for the next beyond the grave response. Tattoo Tex picked up Brownie and placed him in his lap. A minute passed before the telltale bell rang. We leaned in to read Mystic Ming's message.

  Dr. J say she no have heart trouble. Her medical training say someone poison her. She say some berry bad person kill her. Ming say person not berry bad though. Killer berry smart. Dr. J a real pain. She try to horn into tiddlywinks tournament, and I no let her. I say you have to be dead longer than a day to play.

  Aunt Alfa laughed. "I haven't played tiddlywinks in ages. I'll have to get us a set, Pipe. Brownie might enjoy it."

  "Count me in, but I reckon I've never played tiddlywinks before."

  I was in no mood to discuss kid's games. I was in the mood to solve a murder. Investigative thoughts gelled in my mind.

  "If Dr. J was murdered, poison makes sense because DMSO gets into the bloodstream within seconds, making it an effective carrier of any fatal substance." I rose from the bed and leaned against the dresser. "So the killer had to know about DMSO."

  "Is that information easily found?" Tattoo Tex asked.

  "Online, yes." Oh! A memory hit me, and I had to share. "Xavier mentioned the DMSO in Carat Cream." I quickly filled them in on the conversation with the DC hairdresser.

  "You should talk to Zaveer first," Aunt Alfa said. "You should have seen him on the balcony when that naked surfer was doing cartwheels. Zaveer's tongue was flopping around like a fish on the beach."

  "I reckon he must like dudes then."

  "Gee, ya think? Zaveer tried to grab a front row spot, but he wasn't counting on these legs." Aunt Alfa pointed at her teal velour pants. "I was the first one on the balcony."

  "Do you know if everyone stayed out thar?"

  Aunt Alfa shook her head. "Sorry, I was too busy getting the surfer's jewels on video. I can't wait to show my friends at my bingo club. They're going to flip."

  The naked surfer event tumbled through my mind, and something stuck out (that had nothing to do with the physical attributes of the surfer, however).