If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1)

by Johnson, C. A.

  Perri couldn't stand his gentleness anymore, pushing his hand off her belly.

  “Baby . . . I'm so sorry.” Barrington sighed heavily. “I'm so sorry.”

  “Get out,” she commanded on a sob.

  “Perri, I can't do that,” Barrington said calmly.

  “Haven't you caused me enough loss and pain in one lifetime, Barrington?”

  “Yes,” he admitted.

  “And you're not satisfied? You have to cause me more?”

  He shook his head, no.

  “Answer me, damn you,” she demanded on another broken sob.

  “I don't wanna hurt you, baby.”

  “What then, Barrington? Why are you here?”

  “You won't come home, Perri, so I came to you. Baby, we need to talk.”

  “I don't need another long talk about what's wrong with you and me.”

  “Then maybe you could just listen to me.”

  “And I don't need another conversation about the way we're supposed to be.”

  “Baby, emotionally, I see you're gone from me. I'm here to bring you back.”

  “Then you also see, after everything I've been through, I don't have to just 'get over it' just because you want me to.”

  “Baby, I know I hurt you bad. The decision I made, it cost you dearly.”

  “We don't have a baby anymore,” she blurted, “if that's your concern.”

  Tears came to his eyes. “I know, baby. But I need you to understand.”

  “I understand, Barrington, more than you know. All I know is life is precious. Birth is about life; it represents new life. That's what I know and that's what I understand. What you don't seem to know, understand or even care is how hard it is for me to live with the fact that I gave birth to someone that was already dead. Not because he had to be. Oh, no. It was because you chose to let him die and not me. How—” her voice cracked, she sobbed and sniffled for a moment. “How could you make such a stupid decision? You had to have known I would want my child to live, even if I had to die to make that happen.”

  Barrington lost it, “How could you ask me such a stupid question? Baby, you had to have known I would not let you go that easy. Perri, that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it wasn't much time; a decision had to be made and I couldn't look back.” Fighting back his emotions in order to deal with hers, he said, “Perri, you, I already knew and loved. Our baby, though I loved him, I hadn't gotten to know him yet.”

  “And thanks to you, you never will.”

  He ignored that remark, determined to fix things with his wife. “Which meant my loyalty was to you; I bonded with you and made a vow to you, Perri, to keep you, love you in sickness and in health 'till death do us part. You didn't have to die, baby, and I wasn't going to let you, knowing I could help you and I will never apologize to anyone for that.”

  “And you actually thought I would be okay with that?”

  “What I thought? Baby, I didn't have time to sit down and think. For the last time, baby girl, it was an emergency—your life was hanging in the balance.” Barrington shrugged indifferently. “But had I had the time to think, I'm sure I would have thought, Perri, that instead of being angry you're not dead, you'd grateful you were alive to still be a Mommy to the healthy child that you already have. You do remember Imani, right?”

  Perri rolled her eyes at him hard.

  “So I . . .”

  “Chose your wife's life over your baby, yeah, I’m aware, Barrington.” She laughed and didn't know why. “Which is really absurd considering you left that same wife to be by your other baby's momma side.” Her stomach recoiled at the very thought; she could just see him, coaching that woman through the birth of their baby. The image was sickening. This time Perri did throw up . . . right down in Barrington's lap.

  “It's okay, baby.” Barrington brushed the stray strands of hair out of Perri's eyes as she lay back in the bed. “Be right back.” He went to the bathroom, washed up, and emerged with two cool, damp wash cloths; he laid one over Perri's forehead and used the other to clean her face up.

  Barrington had stripped down to his briefs. Damn if she didn't feel a tingle in her lower region. Perri quickly checked her body, forcing it to be still and understand she was in charge. However, her heart turned against her, softening toward him when she glimpsed his red-rimmed and swollen eyes. He'd been crying. She hadn't noticed before; it bothered her that she cared now.

  “Baby, I know you aren't eating and I know you need to.” Barrington knew he was babbling, but he needed communication between them. He felt Perri’s pain and it almost knocked the wind out of him. “I'm sorry, baby. I hurt you. I'm so sorry. I wasn't there for you and our baby when I swore I'd take care of you both.” Tears flowed down his face and he closed his eyes at the onset of the tremendous heartbreak. “Now our son's gone. God, If I'd only known what would happen, Perri . . . but I didn't know, baby, I didn't know. Or I swear I'd have never left your side.”

  Whispering, “Déjà vu,” she looked at him. “We've been here before. Frankly, Barrington, I'm tired of visiting this place; too many pain-filled memories; too much heartache to take.” Perri turned away. “I wanna go home.”

  Barrington was hopeful. “I'll take you, baby.”

  “You can't take me home; you don't know the way to heaven.”

  Barrington felt like he'd been sucker-punched in the gut. He struggled to breathe normally, but his heart accelerated faster than the normal pace. “Baby, you can't mean that you . . . .”

  He couldn't even finish the thought, much less say the words. “You can't, baby. Sweet Perri, you're too precious to go out like that. I know you miss our son, I do, too. But, Perri, we've still got a daughter to think about and she needs you . . . I need you, baby. My family is my world,” he announced to no one in particular.

  That made her angry, Perri turned to face him. “Well, you sure didn't think much about caving your world in when you left me to be with that despicable woman. It doesn't matter that she was carrying your child; it was without your knowledge or consent. Why are you even here now? You should be at the police station pressing charges against her for stealing your sperm and having herself impregnated with it!” The very thought of such madness made Perri throw up again. And Barrington was right there, cleaning her up . . . taking care of her . . . angering her.

  “There's something else we need to discuss, Perri.”

  She promptly showed him the back of her head.

  He ignored her get-out-of-my-face body language. “About Nia—”

  “I don't wanna hear anything about that woman, Barrington!”

  “Baby—”

  “No! I mean it, Ba—”

  “She's dead, Perri,” he rushed the words out.

  What? Wait. What? “W—what?” she stammered, turning to face him again.

  Barrington blinked back tears. “She died, Perri. There was some kind of mishap with her ovaries; they punctured without the doctor knowing it. I don't know. But she died.”

  For the next twenty minutes, Barrington tried to explain to Perri how even in the end, Nia had tricked him into coming to her aid. Told her how Nia had planned the whole thing months in advance.

  “Apparently, Nia’s pregnancy was considered high-risk because she was borderline diabetic and was prone to bouts with high blood pressure. Baby, she lied to her doctor leading her to believe that I was her fiancé and I spent a lot of time on the road. But that I intended to be there for the birth, and she and I had already decided that if it came down to a choice between mother and child, we were going to choose for our baby to live. Like that was the noble thing to do or something, I guess, I don't know. But, anyway, because of my stupidity, her plan worked like an ace of spades; that is until her house of cards came tumbling down, leaving a rippling domino effect in her quake. Because I'm sure Nia never actually thought anything would happen to her, taking her away from the baby she so desperately wanted and believed she deserved.”

  Barrington
went on to tell her of Nia's will that she specifically stated she wanted him and his new wife, Perri, to raise her daughter, whom she'd already decided to name, JourDarien, Jordy for short. He made the fatal mistake of asking Perri how she felt about it. “Baby, do you think you can help me raise Jordy?”

  “Hell, no!” Perri yelled, her body shaking with each word. “I will not, could not, I would not ever raise that woman's baby!”

  “What about my baby, Perri? Jordy's my baby, too.”

  It suddenly dawned on Perri his motive for being there. “That's why you're here,” she accused, “to get me to raise that heifer's baby.” She was livid. “It has nothing to do with your concern for me; you're just concerned about finding a replacement mother for your kid.” She glared at him. “Well, Barrington, I’m not the one, so you can just get the hell out!” Perri shook her head. “I'm not trying to hear that nonsense, or shall I say madness.”

  “Perri, haven't we lost enough innocent babies here?” Barrington regretted the comment when he saw the pain, hurt, and shame clouding his wife's beautiful chocolate brown eyes. Then he glimpsed the anger, doing his best to brace himself for her rage that, like clockwork, was sure to follow. He was right, too.

  Perri cursed Barrington for all he was worth, which, at the moment, wasn't much in her eyes. She let out so many expletives, she scared herself. She wanted to kill him. She wanted to raise Nia from the dead and kill her. She wanted to tell their baby how much she hated her and her sorry, silly, psycho butt mother. She wanted to raise her son from the dead, take him and her daughter far, far away from Barrington.

  But there was nowhere to go, no place to hide that he wouldn't turn this earth upside down until he found her. At that moment, Perri knew the bittersweet truth. She was never going to be free of him. She tried to accept fate, telling herself it was her destiny. Whether she liked it or not Barrington was always going to be there, and she was always going be tied to him. And while she couldn't help that, she'd be damned if she was going to raise him and Nia's kid. Perri knew it wasn't that baby's fault. But you know what? Damn it, it was not her fault, either! That knowledge was slowly choking the life out of her. She started to hyperventilate, something she'd never done in her life . . . until now. She threw the covers off, determined to get the hell away from the man who caused her so much heartache.

  “Perri, stop,” Barrington tried to stop her from getting up.

  “Let go of me, you bastard!”

  “Perri, damn it, I am still your husband, so if I have to have you committed to the psychiatric ward just to make sure you don’t hurt yourself or starve to death, I promise you I will do it.”

  “You cannot be serious?”

  “Try me, baby. You haven’t eaten in weeks, Perri. Do you honestly think I’m gonna let you slowly commit suicide just to spite me, or Nia?”

  “You are the devil, Barrington!”

  “I’ll be whatever I have to be to make sure you live, woman. Now are you getting back into the bed on your own, or do I have to call for reinforcement?”

  “I hate you! Do you hear me? I hate you, Barrington!”

  “I love you, Perri,” Barrington said, his voice cracking.

  “You go to straight to hell!” Perri meant to slap his face but she stumbled, tripping over the bed sheet gathered at her feet, and hit her head on the edge of the nightstand.

  “Perri!” Barrington made to catch Perri’s falling body, “Perri!” he shouted, tears clouding his vision, as he gathered his wife in his arms, determined to get her to the hospital before it was too late. “I got you, baby. I got you, sweet Perri.”

  How much more pain was she expected to take from this one man? That was Perri’s last thought before giving way to the darkness that was calling her name.

  ***

  Three days later, Perri opened her eyes, seeing Barrington watching over her like a fierce lion. He leaned forward, smiling at her as he grabbed hold of her cold and limp hand.

  “Welcome back to the land of the living, baby girl.”

  Perri couldn't help smiling back. “Thanks, G-Man,” she said weakly. “May I please have some water?”

  That was music to Barrington’s ear. “You can have whatever you want, baby.” He happily got her some water and held her head up while she drank it.

  Perri was too grateful to be alive to fight with Barrington anymore. No, she still didn't understand what he wanted from her as far as his daughter, Jordy went. No, she still didn't have any intention of raising Nia's child. No, she wasn't over the loss of her own infant son. No, she would never be the same again. But in spite of it all, Perri just wanted to go home and finish caring for the baby she already had. Imani needed her and she needed Imani even more.

  And looking up in Barrington's yellow-green eyes, Perri couldn't and wouldn't deny knowing her husband needed her, too. She witnessed the love in his eyes, and her heart soared to the heavens. At that moment, Perri knew she had to go home with her husband, and together they had to salvage their marriage. It was going to be hard work, but she was up to the challenge. Bottom line, Perri loved her some Barrington.

  ***

  Several days later, Perri was settled back at home with her family and friends hovering over her whenever she was awake. It didn't bother her, though, since she had missed them all like crazy during her stay at the hospital. She shuddered, thinking back on how Barrington told her she'd collapsed and went into a semi-coma state. Perri remembered saying she didn't want to live and just assumed her subconscious was giving her access to the power to make that happen, regardless of how hurt the people she left behind would be over losing her. But here she was back at home, very much still alive, taking care of Imani and her husband.

  And, somehow, by the grace of God, Perri even managed to hold Jordy just to give Barrington a reprieve whenever their family, their friends, or a hired nurse wasn't there to help him out. The man she called her husband had his hands full taking care of home, choosing to oversee and delegate the responsibility, if at any time it ever got to be too much for him. Perri still had some grief and major issues concerning Jordy to work through, but she promised herself she'd keep an open mind.

  Besides, whenever she looked into the little girl's emerald green eyes, Perri was secretly hooked. Every day it got a little easier to look at Jordy, feed her, cradle her, rock her, soothe her without thinking about Nia being her natural mother. Of course, it just made sense to appoint Tina honorary godmother; after all, she was the only one who could explain to Jordy the person Nia was before she became so consumed with jealousy and envy. Everyone knew Nia was desperate to have Barrington's child so that she'd always have a tie to him. But only Tina knew the truth of just how bad Nia had wanted Jordy. And the truth was Jordy needed and deserved to have a full-time mother who wanted her, and would enjoy fulfilling that leading role in her life.

  It was also true Perri wasn't quite there yet, though she could feel herself inching towards it on a day-by-day basis. But no matter what, through it all—good, bad, and indifferent—Perri was proud to be Barrington's wife.

  With newfound energy, strength and vitality, Perri popped in her favorite CD, played her theme song, Purify Me by India Arie, and did something she hadn't done in way too long. Perri danced for the Lord until unspeakable joy returned to her soul.

  Barrington stood in the doorway watching his wife with pride and joy, loving her like he'd never loved another woman in his life, knowing God made her for him. He admired her from afar as she danced with all her might throwing her entire body, heart, soul, and spirit into every move to the point that, by the end of the song, she was laughing out loud, raising her hands and praising God.

  Knowing his wife needed this intimate time with the Lover of her soul, Barrington quietly closed the door, leaving Perri to be alone with her Lord.

  Noticing her husband as he shut the door behind him, her love for him surged forward and Perri rushed to the door and flung it open.

  “G-Man?” she called to him.
“Please don't go.”

  “Hey, baby.” Barrington smiled at the beautiful sight of his wife as his cock jumped with the urgent need to make love with and to his wife. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.”

  Perri held out her hands. “Stay with me for a little while.”

  Taking her hands, Barrington allowed his wife to pull him inside their bedroom.

  “I'm sorry, Barrington, for any pain I've caused you. Will you please forgive me?”

  “There's nothing to forgive, baby. I love you, Perri, no matter what. I know you've been hurting for a long time, baby girl. I'm sorry for my part in causing that hurt. Will you please forgive me?”

  Perri smiled and hugged him tight. “I already have, baby boy.” She looked into his beautiful yellow-green eyes. “You're my husband, Barrington. And I need you something awful bad.” She winked seductively at him. “Dance with me, G-Man.” Perri pulled him up.

  “You don't have to ask me twice.” Barrington crooned a beautiful ballad as he and his wife danced in sync with the beat of their hearts, flying high on the wings of love with each lyric.

  “God, sweet Perri, I wanna make love to you.”

  “You just wanna get me on my back,” she beamed with unconditional love for her man.

  “Yes, guilty as charged,” Barrington said with no shame in his game.

  Lost inside his love, Perri melted in Barrington's arms. “Hit me, Barry.”

  Barrington captured his wife's mouth, devouring it while savoring the sweet honey dew he found inside. He made love to her mouth, mating with her tongue like it was the first time he'd ever tasted her lips. His chest swelled with more love for her with every moan and sigh that escaped from deep inside her soul.