Colors of the Shadow

by Nava Dijkstra

  “I’m going to introduce you to your foster parents. You will like them. They are the nicest here. They usually work at this hour, but today, they did not go to work because of the meeting with you.” Sherry was frightened. She absolutely didn’t want a foster parent. She had her parents, and she didn’t need anyone else. She would not let them take away her identity.

  Miriam knocked at the door, and a tall man with thick red mustache opened the door for them. “Hello,” Miriam greeted him warmly and he smiled back at her. The house was dark. Sherry looked towards the window. The shutters were closed.

  “Sorry about the darkness, but I prefer darkness over the heat of the setting sun,” the woman in the house apologized politely. Nurit was a smiling and a pleasant woman. She looked much younger than her partner. Her face was round, naturally fleshy with red cheeks. She had short and curly blond hair and wore a skirt that reached down to her knees with a simple white T-shirt.

  Nurit went to the kitchen and came back with a thermos of coffee and a tray of cake. She sliced the cake, poured coffee into the glasses and sat with a smile.

  “Nurit is the best baker in the Kibbutz,” Miriam said. She mounted a fork in the cake and put it in her mouth. Sherry really wanted to eat cake, which seemed so stimulating, but she was ashamed.

  Nurit thanked Miriam for the compliment and turned to Sherry. “I do not know how much do you know about the life in the Kibbutz, but every guest who lives in the Kibbutz has an adoptive family. This means that in general, we meet every Saturday at 4:00, but you’re welcome to come to us whenever you want, or contact us with any problem.” Sherry was happy to realize that they were too young in every sense of the word to be her parents.

  “I work in the children’s house in the Kibbutz. Raphael is responsible for the work schedule, so you have some protection. You will be able to get priority jobs. After all, you are our eldest daughter, and the only one for now. “So, we’ll see you on Saturday?” Nurit summed up her explanation in directing question to Sherry.

  “Yes...sure,” Sherry stammered.

  From the house of her adoptive parents, Sherry and Miriam headed to the classrooms and entered the office of the principal, a tall man with a round and a bit flat-shaped face. “My name is Aaron, and I’m the principal of the school,” he introduced himself. “Here, you will work for two hours everyday and study for a few hours.”

  Sherry noticed that he tried to put an expression of authority in his face, but without much success. Behind the mask was a kind and gentle man. He remained even so when he presented to her the tough terms of the school regulations and the expected behavior from the students.

  “Now it’s your turn. Do you want to tell me something about you?” he asked and Sherry shook her head.

  “Nothing?”

  Sherry nodded and smiled slightly.

  “Tell me a little about yourself.” He urged her to open her closed heart to him. Sherry did not give information, but she allowed him to ask questions which she answered briefly. She noted that a barrier was built between her inner self and her outer existence. Her feelings remained trapped inside.

  But even without expressing the feelings that flooded her, the story behind her touched the principal’s heart. He stared at her with full tenderness and then took an envelope out from the drawer and handed it to her. “This is your monthly allowance.”

  Sherry was surprised to receive an envelope with money, without the need to work for it. She took the envelope from him but didn’t open it.

  “Is there something that you love to do?”

  “Painting.”

  He looked at Miriam, and she nodded. Sherry had no idea what was going on between them, but in the afternoon Sherry was sent with Miriam to Beer-Sheba to buy the materials for painting and some clothing.

  A few weeks later, the school year was over and everybody except her went for a vacation.

  That same day, when all the students left home, Sherry fell asleep while longing for her mother and sister filled her head and turned into a dream.

  Esther was smiling and offered her to compete in a race. Esther ran fast and Sherry ran after her without the ability to reach her. There were moments that Esther ran without touching the ground until she vanished from Sherry’s sight. After a couple of steps, Sherry saw the hole where Esther fell. She looked down. Esther sent her hand and asked to help her get out. Sherry reached for her hand, but didn’t succeed grasping Esther’s. The hole deepened and swallowed Esther.

  Sherry woke up in panic. Long minutes passed until she calmed down and admitted that despite the nightmare, she was happy by her sister’s surprise visit. It was the first time that she saw Esther in her dreams.

  Sherry remained in the Kibbutz and learned to love the wilderness that surrounded her. Oftentimes, she would hurdle over the fence that surrounded the Kibbutz and sit on the hills overlooking the endless horizon. Her family was somewhere between the sky and the earth. Esther and her father were up high, and her mother and Tamar were down. In the wilderness, Sherry could feel them and think about them. But, it was Esther whom she was able to see and talk with. Many times, she would look at the sky, watching the clouds and painting Esther through them. She wore a long and extended white dress. She was the only one whom she could talk with, the only one whom would understand her.

  Life continued on its journey. Days went by and brought winter and holidays. With them were her longings for her mother and sister. But with time past and the struggle to adapt to her new life and her thoughts of them diluted. Two years had already passed. Sherry held the Certificate of Merit in her hands that brought back the memories of her mother. She knew that if only she was next to her, she would have been proud of her.

  9

  Sherry sat on the stairway that lead to the girls’ wing holding the letter that she received from the army. Two years ago, when she arrived at the boarding school, she received the first letter from the army, explaining that Israel was surrounded by enemies and warefare. Therefore, it was the duty of every boy and girl of Israel at the age of eighteen to serve in the army voluntarily. Sherry continued to receive more letters from the army. One gave her the option of choosing a military role in various troops. Some of the roles were significantly feminine and some were masculine. Ex gratia permitted the army to excuse Sherry from enlistment because her family was in Iran and no one was able to financially support her. But Sherry found it difficult to reach a final decision. Now that all her friends had already left the boarding school and enlisted, she had no choice but to make a decision. It left her the choice of whether to enlist or be released from the military service. However, she also had to think about building an independent life, to work and rent a house before her mother and her sister would arrive unexpectedly. She realized that she had to make a decision soon. She could not stay in the Kibbutz forever.

  It was quiet. Only the voices of the doves that built their home in the roof of the club were heard. She saw Miriam approaching her. “What’s the letter in your hand?”

  “A letter of enlistment.”

  “Have you already decided what to do?”

  Sherry shook her head. “I can’t join. I need to get organized in case my mom and my sister arrive in Israel.”

  “I hate to interfere in your decisions, but you can’t give up your life, or plan it based on an unknown and unclear schedule.”

  “And where will I live until the enlistment?” Sherry queried.

  “You don’t have anything to worry about. We will not throw you away. Next week, a new batch of students will arrive, and you will move to the volunteer’s quarter. But, if you give up the enlistment, I assure you that I’ll be the first to throw your things to the other side of the gate.”

  Sherry smiled and thanked her. Now she was relaxed. Miriam offered a solution to the issues that bothered her in recent days.

  Sherry did not wait for the new batch of students to arrive in order to vacate the room. The very next day after work, she gathere
d some of her belongings and went towards the volunteer’s quarter. At the entrance of the building, she saw a group of about 15 boys and girls sitting on the grass in the dark. Some of them were playing the guitar and the rest were singing. “We’re celebrating a late birthday for the United States. Do you want to join us?” someone talked to her in English.

  “Why not? But first, I need you to tell me where the vacant room is. I’ll go and put my stuff down, and then I’ll join you.”

  “You can put your things in my room there.” A girl with black and curly hair pointed to one of the rooms. Sherry went upstairs, put the big bag in one of the beds and went outside. The guys did not continue to sing until Sherry sat on the grass with them.

  “Can we continue?” someone asked her and she nodded.

  They continued to sing beautiful and relaxing songs. Around midnight, Sherry fell asleep while most of them were still sitting on the grass.

  The next day, she went to sit by the poolside. The pool area was located far from the heart of the Kibbutz and looked like a small oasis. A slight sound beside her made her turn her gaze.

  “Can I sit?” Shelly, a new roommate asked.

  “Yes please,” Sherry answered, and Shelly sat beside her in the tanning bed. They had a polite conversation, which was interrupted by Shelly’s friend who joined them. “You already know Danny. You met him last night at the party in the lawn, right?” Shelly introduced Danny to Sherry.

  “And I’m Andy,” the man who came with Danny introduced himself.

  Sherry shook his hand and had to admit that he was one of the most handsome men she had ever seen.

  He was tall, and had an athletic body and a killer smile that revealed two rows of white teeth. His hair was black and reached down to his shoulders. His eyes were deep blue. He got into the pool with Danny and they competed in rowing.

  “I have no idea why they’re doing a competition. It is clear that Andy will win. He belongs to the college team.”

  “Danny wanted to challenge him I guess,” Sherry said.

  “A poor challenge.”

  Sherry looked at them smiling. “Yes, it looks like as if a turtle is challenging a gazelle.”

  In the evening, Sherry sat in the dining room with some of her friends. She realized that she was checking the volunteer’s table with so much interest, looking after Andy. She was startled when her eyes found him and their eyes met for a few moments. She didn’t feel comfortable that Andy noticed that she was interested in him. He smiled at her and she quickly turned her eyes away from him.

  Although Sherry lived in the volunteer’s pavilions and her eyes didn’t stop looking for Andy, she didn’t see him for three days. She was afraid to ask about him, so as not to expose herself. On Saturday, she went to stay in the house of her foster parents as usual and was surprised to see him there. “Hello, Sherry, do you know your new brother?” Nurit, her adoptive mother, asked.

  Within ten minutes, Andy became the center of attraction. Sherry’s foster parents and their friends asked questions about his life in New York and about him as well. Sherry realized that Andy studied at a university in New York, and he was one of the best players assigned to a college basketball team.

  It was getting dark and Sherry was surprised that she did not feel the passing of time. Usually, she was visiting her adoptive parents as more of a courtesy than pleasure. This time, she had to admit that four hours seemed to be like four minutes, and only the darkness that fell on the yard, reminded everyone that it was time to go.

  Sherry was the first to apologize and said goodbye.

  “Wait, I’m also going,” Andy said, making the married couple smile.

  “Take care of her,” one of the household members said.

  “If she agrees,” Andy replied, and Sherry thought that after a week in the Kibbutz, he felt a greater degree of freedom in his relationship with the Kibbutz members than she felt towards them in two years.

  They did not talk much while walking, and parted politely near the stairs in front of her room.

  The next morning, Sherry went to see the work schedule and found out that she was transferred from her favorite dining room to the dishwashing job. She went to look for her adoptive father who was in charge of the work schedule, but didn’t find him. She continued looking for him all day but without success. Only during dinner that she found him sitting with Nurit.

  “I heard that you were looking for me,” Raphael said.

  “Yes. I don’t understand why you have to assign me in the dishwashing. You know that I love working in the dining room.”

  Rafael gave her a puzzled look. “Did you not tell Andy that you wanted to wash dishes with him?”

  Sherry realized that everything was planned by Andy. She was flattered, and although she did not like to wash dishes, this time she was sure that it wouldn’t be so bad.

  “So, Andy told you that I wanted to wash dishes with him?” She pretended to be serious.

  “Yes. Did you not tell him?” Raphael asked and started laughing.

  “It’s not funny. How did he manage to convince you when you’ve known me for two years, and you know for sure that I do not like to wash dishes?” She pretended to be angry. “It’s not that I suddenly began to love washing dishes.”

  Rafael contracted his eyes while casting a doubt in her words and hinted hidden things. Sherry quickly went away.

  She arrived late for washing the dishes so as not to show Andy how she rushed to join him. Andy smiled when he saw her. She did not smile back, but rather wore the thick apron on her body and began to wash the dishes.

  “Do you also wash the dishes today?” He pretended to be surprised.

  ‘He is an excellent player,’ Sherry admitted to herself. “No, I’m just bored, so I decided to come and help you with the dishes.”

  He smiled. “I was afraid that they would give me someone who is boring, so I am pleasantly surprised.”

  He tried to talk to her, but she did not cooperate. “I see that at the end, I got someone boring,” he said, spraying her with some dirty water from the sink. “Maybe you will get over your seriousness now,” he explained his behavior.

  She remained stunned. It was clear that he did not have any boundaries.

  “Sorry, I had no control over it. I just can’t stand depressed people around me.”

  He looked at her smiling, while the muddy and murky water was still flowing down her face. He took a small towel and handed it to her. “I’m sorry. I thought you would love the joke.”

  She grabbed the towel from his hand and wiped her face. “You’re very rude,” she said in an angry voice. “It started with your lie to Raphael when you told him that I wanted to join you for washing the dishes and ended with this...” She pointed to her face.

  “I did not tell him that you asked to work with me in the dishwashing.”

  “So now you’re a two-fold liar.”

  “I’m not a liar. I really did not ask to do the dishes with you. Why would I want to do the dishes with you? No, don’t get me wrong. I’m ready to do more exciting things with you, but washing dishes is certainly not on my list.” He smiled a bit.

  “Do you mean Rafael was lying?”

  “I do not know, but I’m sure that I did not ask to do the dishwashing with you.”

  She took off her apron. “Continue from here by yourself. What did you say? You can’t stand depressed people around you? Then I just can’t stand liars around me,” she retaliated. “Oh, I forgot...” She took a glass from the sink, filled it with dirty water and splashed it in his face.

  Later that night, Sherry talked to Shelly and told her all the wrong doings of Andy. Shelly’s face wore an amused expression.

  “Is it funny for you, too?” Sherry asked in astonishment.

  Shelly nodded. “It’s a misunderstanding. Andy told me that they assigned him to dishwashing, and he asked me if I could do the job with him. So, I said that I didn’t have a problem with it, and he could ask Raphael t
o assign me to do it with him. Rafael probably heard ‘Sherry’ instead of ‘Shelly.’”

  Sherry felt stupid. Not from what she did, which he deserved, but for her thoughts that Andy had feelings for her.

  The next day, she looked for him during breakfast. He was not there, and she came out of the dining room disappointed. Outside, she bumped into him and quickly hid her excitement through a tough mask.

  “Are you still mad about yesterday? I’m sorry. I promise not to pour water on you again.”

  She chuckled and went away.

  He followed her. “Would you stop walking for a moment?”

  “No.” Sherry kept on walking, but he stepped beside her. “It was an accident, really. I did not mean it. You have to believe me.”

  He continued his efforts to persuade her until they reached the living room. There, he fell on his knees and raised his hands upward in a pleading stance. “I’m sorry,” he pleaded in a squeaky voice.

  Sherry stood in place and looked at him with amusement. She could hardly hold her laughter.

  He looked at her with a pleading look on his face.

  A gentle smile crossed her lips.

  “Well, will it take a long time? My knees are hurting.” He continued squeaking, making Sherry laugh.

  He smiled happily and stood up quickly, shaking the dirt that clung to his pants. “They might think that I proposed a marriage. How about going out somewhere tomorrow?”

  “Okay. There’s another Kibbutz nearby, and there’s a pretty good club. If you want, we can ride with a bike and go there.”

  The next evening, they received two bicycles from the person who was responsible for the courtyard; they held a cycling competition until they got to a nearby Kibbutz. When they arrived, they settled in the bar and Andy ordered a beer for him, and Coke for Sherry. The club was full, just like every weekend. Thick cigarette smoke filled the place, and Sherry rubbed her eyes. “Do you want us to sit outside?” he asked with concern.