A Part of Me

by Anouska Knight

  ‘No. That dog saved me.’

  ‘Saved you?’

  ‘Cathy was going to kiss me that day, I know she was. Right up until I was disgusting and covered in her dog’s pee, I was the only thing on her mind. I was a very good kisser. One kiss and it’d have been all over for her. I had a lucky escape.’

  ‘What? But you liked her?’ Something tumbled from my hair.

  ‘I know. But if that dog hadn’t peed on me, I’d have taken her to the disco instead of the kid she went with in the end, and it would have been me who got my ass kicked in front of the entire school for stealing a year six meathead’s girl. Cathy Brown used that kid to make her boyfriend jealous. I didn’t realise it at the time when I was lying on the pavement stinking and wet, but that dog changed my path. For the better.’

  Rohan picked up the little daisy head that had fallen from my hair and began spinning it between his finger and thumb. His smile had dipped.

  I realised what he was getting at. ‘So you’re saying James is a yappy rat dog? Who’s done me a favour by peeing all over me?’

  Rohan shrugged. He turned over on his elbow and gently placed the little flower back into the waves over my ear. He was serious again. ‘I’m saying, sometimes you’re winning, Amy. Even if you don’t see it.’

  CHAPTER 31

  MUM HADN’T SAID anything during the packing of the last three boxes. It was surprisingly easy divvying up the mementos accrued after sharing nearly a decade of life with another human being. The CDs were mainly his, the books mainly mine. Other than clothes, that largely left only furniture. Phil had sent sporadic texts throughout the morning reminding me what I was entitled to half of. The angry sound of gaffer tape being yanked off its reel made me look up at Mum. She stuck another length of silvery tape over another box, huffing with every motion. Any minute now …

  ‘Amy? Don’t you think that you need a clear head before you start making any more big decisions? This house is half yours, and you’re just walking away from it?’

  ‘This house is half James’s too. And I know he’ll be wanting to sell it now that he’s got his sights on a new property.’

  ‘But what will you do? You know you’re welcome to stay but …’

  ‘I’ll do what lots of people in my situation do, Mum. I’ll work it out. Start again.’ Telling her that I’d emailed my CV to Claire Farrel to pass on might have been a forward step too far for Mum.

  ‘You’re handling it all very well, sweetheart.’

  ‘And that’s a bad thing because?’

  Mum pursed her lips. ‘I just wonder if you’re distracted at the moment.’

  ‘Distracted by what?’

  ‘By a very pretty little girl and her equally pretty father?’

  I began stacking books with less care into the box I was in charge of. ‘You were signing me up for dates with bald anglers yesterday morning, Mum,’ I said sharply.

  ‘Yes! Dates, with new people, so you didn’t feel … adrift. I didn’t realise that part of your decision to leave James was because you’d already spotted something that looks like greener grass.’ I rolled my eyes and threw more books in. ‘Amy, I just want you to be sure of your reasons—’

  ‘I am sure of my reasons! He got another woman pregnant! Then tried to talk her into aborting their child to keep his own life all neat and tidy!’

  ‘And what if she didn’t listen to him? You never know, Amy, James might get his head around it and things might work out unexpectedly for you all.’

  She did not just say that.

  ‘And do what, Mum? Be that woman? Be like Petra? Or do you mean play weekend mum to James’s lovechild?’

  ‘Okay then. So what about Rohan’s child. Where’s her mother in all this?’

  ‘That’s different, she doesn’t want a relationship with Rohan. She left him!’

  ‘Come on, Amy. You know it’s rarely that clean cut.’

  Something in those last words resonated with a tiny voice in the back of my head.

  ‘Well, I can check that this afternoon when I go over there, can’t I? I was going to take the bike. Get some air.’

  Mum left it at that, thankfully. I wasn’t really armed with any more answers about Rohan, or Lily, or how clean cut any of it was. I only knew I was looking forward to seeing them, and beyond that …? Well, I wasn’t really sure about anything.

  *

  The public footpath cut a track across several wheat fields towards the winding path of the Earle. The river kept me company as I trundled on towards the mill, taking care not to consume any more suicidal bugs on the way. It felt good to be down here. I’d had a nice weekend, amazingly, compromised only by the haunting thoughts of a faceless little boy spending even longer waiting for somebody to come and love him. I was trying not to think about him – splashing in the bath, playing in the sandpit, snuggling into the warmth of my arms as I read to him. Thoughts like that had almost driven me mad once before.

  Carter was sitting in the grass over on the other side of the ramp when I reached the mill, Lily standing behind him, clipping sparkly hair accessories into his fuzzy mane.

  ‘All clear?’ yelled a voice from above me.

  ‘Clear,’ Carter replied, holding Lily at her waist.

  ‘Daddy’s coming, baby girl!’ Rohan launched himself down into the drop. I jumped at the sudden sound and motion beside me. It didn’t matter how many times I saw them do this, it was incredible to watch. Rohan was already in the air on the other vertical, flipping his bike out from under his body. His feet found their way home just in time before the bike made contact with the wood again.

  ‘Whoo hoo!’ Carter cried. ‘Not bad, me old cocker, not bad!’ Lily was watching too, shielding the sun from her eyes with a pudgy hand. Rohan moved like a crazy pendulum several more times before completing his run and sliding to a halt next to me. He was panting heavily, beads of moisture glistening on his skin.

  ‘Hey.’ He grinned, teeth a perfect ice white against a face too beautiful to risk on bike stunts. I found myself grinning back, the tourist in the pink bulbous helmet.

  ‘No detached legs today, then?’ I asked. Rohan reached down and knocked the side of his knee brace.

  ‘Not with this. The holy roller rides again.’

  ‘What does it do?’

  ‘Stops the leg from hyperextending. It’s the first knee brace that’s been custom made to fix to a prosthetic socket. All I need now is someone who’ll manufacture it,’ he said, gulping his breath back. ‘You next.’ He grabbed the front of my bike.

  ‘Me next what?’

  He bobbed his head back at the set-up behind him. I looked startled eyes at him. ‘You’re kidding, right?’ Rohan just kept on grinning. ‘On this thing? It’s a relic.’

  ‘No, on this thing,’ he said, gesturing at his bike.

  ‘No way. I can’t ride that.’

  ‘I’ll ride it, you stand on the pegs.’ He tapped the bar poking out from the centre of the back wheel.

  I examined the primitive structure he was asking me to balance on. Then I looked up at the timber structure, rising above me like the crest of a frozen wave. ‘I’m not good with height. I think I’ll pass.’ I smiled nervously.

  ‘Go on, Ame!’ Carter yelled across. ‘He doesn’t offer a backy to just anyone!’ he said, lifting Lils onto his hip. He started whispering into Lily’s ear.

  ‘You go, Amy!’ she called, her little voice nearly lost on the breeze.

  Rohan knew he’d already won. He slipped his fingers between mine and the rusty handlebars of Mum’s bike, letting it fall away from me into the grass. ‘I promise I won’t take you too high.’ He smiled, pulling me over to him.

  He ran his thumb over the back of my fingers. I’d probably drop off the very top of the ramp if he asked me to now. Thankfully, he didn’t. It still wasn’t my most dignified experience. He led my hands onto his shoulders. I could feel his skin, hot beneath his black tee, hard and rounded muscles flexing under my fingers. Somehow, I m
anaged to clamber up onto the back of his bike, and stand upright on the pegs, holding onto him. Rohan began to ride, gently at first, building height a little at a time. I braced my legs, to avoid any embarrassing knocking of knees.

  ‘Watch her, Ro. She might barf down your back, that one.’ The horizon began to fall lower and lower as we climbed the curves. That was the point I closed my eyes.

  ‘Can you feel the wind in your hair yet?’ he laughed.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Do you still have your eyes open?’

  ‘Nope.’

  I felt his shoulders moving with the movement of laughter. ‘Can we stop now?’ I asked in the bravest voice I could muster. I splayed my fingers out over his chest like a tree frog. It was official. I was a total wuss.

  Lily was clapping when Rohan slowed us back down. I had cockle-stomach again. ‘Hey, Lils,’ I managed, stepping down off the back of the bike pegs, jelly-legged and light-headed. I sat down beside Lily to let my heart regulate itself and my legs solidify again.

  Lily ducked under my chin, unclipping the helmet she’d picked out for me. She pulled it off and began smoothing my hair with the palm of her hand. I smiled to let her know her reassurance had helped.

  ‘Right, that was entertaining,’ Carter chuckled. ‘I’m gonna go help John finish off in the kitchen. It’s looking good, Ame. Your design skills are better than your balance.’ He laughed, turning for the mill.

  ‘Later, bud,’ Rohan called.

  Lily was still stroking my hair, helping me back to a more balanced state of being. Rohan kissed her on the head and sat down beside us.

  ‘It’s going to be hard when she goes back,’ he said quietly, watching her fuss over me. I knew it would be.

  ‘Can I stand on the slide now, Daddy?’ Lily asked hopefully.

  ‘Sure, baby. While there are no bikes.’ Lily ran off as far up the timber slope as she could before slithering back down it again, giggling.

  ‘When is Meg coming for her?’

  ‘Next Sunday. She’ll be finished with Seb Barros, so she’ll be taking Lils with her onto Stockholm to watch this year’s games. There’ll be other families out there too, kids for her to play with while her mum talks shop. We’re having this barbecue gathering on Saturday, before Lils goes. You should come.’

  ‘I’d love to.’

  Rohan smiled, but there was a sadness to it.

  ‘Maybe Lily could stay over more often? Megan seems keen for you to spend time together.’

  Rohan kept his eyes on Lily playing. ‘I know. Meg’s always had a knack of knowing which way to nudge me.’

  I’d found myself trying to dislike Meg, but I had nothing. ‘It’s a shame it didn’t work out for you two.’

  ‘It wasn’t really Meg’s fault,’ he said, eyes heavy with the things he might’ve done differently. ‘I wasn’t easy to live with. Meg wanted to take care of me after my accident, I should’ve let her but … I didn’t know how to.’

  ‘That must have been hard for you both.’

  ‘The months after my accident were pretty dark days. I completely lost sense of who I was. What my life was about. Having to learn everything all over again at a snail’s pace – it was so frustrating. Meg didn’t say that she was pregnant until after she’d moved out. I think she knew that things were muddled enough between us without us trying to convince ourselves that we could be something we weren’t. I kinda freaked when she told me. I never planned on being a father, I didn’t want to be responsible for another human being. But she wanted to keep the baby, so I said that I would support them, from a distance. I thought it was for the best.’

  Rohan wiped his hand over his face, the faint scratchy sound of skin brushing against short whiskers. ‘So what changed?’ I asked, glad that Meg had made up her own mind.

  ‘I guess I did. I saw Lily, and it was like everything came into sharp focus. That nameless phenomenon when you see your child for the first time. She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Photos through the post were never going to be enough after that.’

  Lily was flopping like a ragdoll as she slipped down the arc. ‘So … why only see her every fortnight? Look how much fun she’s having with you!’

  Rohan slipped his helmet off. ‘I didn’t say it wasn’t tough.’

  It didn’t seem tough to me. ‘So, see her more often. With your schedule, you could see her all the time, surely?’

  ‘That’s what’s best for me, though. Not necessarily for Lily.’ I frowned at him, Happiness was usually a two-way gate. ‘Megan’s a good mother to Lily. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for my own kid. Meg’s not like me, she’s reliable, open. I’m not cut out for parenthood. I come from somewhere different than Meg. Her folks gave her a good upbringing, and they dote on Lils. They took care of them both while Megan recovered after her caesarean. Most of the places I grew up, it was every man for himself. It kinda stays with you.’

  ‘But those things don’t have to make the wrong kind of difference, Rohan. Not if you don’t let them.’

  ‘Don’t kid yourself, Amy. Everyone is affected by their childhoods in one way or another. Before I got to Arthur’s, I lived at twenty-three different addresses. Even now, I don’t stay in one place for more than a few years.’ He shrugged. ‘I guess I don’t want Lily to have to deal with that part of me. It’s not her fault. I can’t drag her around after me every time I get restless.’

  ‘Well, I think you’re cutting yourself short,’ I said, watching her have fun in the cradle of the bike ramps, the river trundling through behind her. ‘Some things are worth the disruption.’

  CHAPTER 32

  MY FINAL WEEK of employment at Cyan Architecture and Design had drawn to an unceremonious end. It hadn’t even felt like a week of work. Everyday we’d had lunch together, sometimes Carter had joined us but mostly it had been just Rohan, Lily and me, shooting the breeze over sandwiches and conversation.

  As beautiful as the mill was looking, there was a heavy sense of finality to what had happened here since I’d first bumped into its owner six weeks ago. It would be June, tomorrow. New month, new start. Smarter decisions.

  Another firework whistled across the sky, lighting up the willow trees over by the river. There was still tonight.

  Phil was watching Carter, DJ for the night, chunky headphones clamped either side of his afro as he bobbed and grooved to the beats emanating from his decks. He’d rigged up a generator to power the strings of white light bulbs fanning out all the way from the back of the mill down to the edge of the millpond and up over the grassy ridge where twenty or thirty bodies were watching and cheering over the ramps. We were watching the last few fireworks explode in the night sky above us. Rohan wanted the display early on, so Lily could sleep after an evening of being proudly shown off by her dad. I hadn’t seen them for the last twenty minutes. I’d thought about nothing else for at least ten of those.

  Phil’s eyes followed a light across the sky, her shoulders bobbing to the catchy beats throbbing in the evening air. ‘This place looks stunning, Ame, and those worktops in the kitchen …’ I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen Phil in jeans. She was wearing a thin grey T-shirt that slipped off her shoulder, sipping at a bottle of Bud.

  ‘Carter polished them.’ I smiled, trying not to giggle his name while she was here. ‘Rohan saved a fortune using poured concrete. I didn’t think they’d come up looking so good.’

  I only recognised a handful of the people here. The guys on the ramps now were hardcore. Strong athletic men, flipping impossibly without pranging into one another as they passed. I wondered if they were from Rohan’s old life, or this one, where I lived.

  I looked around for him again. I’d already seen how good he looked tonight, in black shirt and casual jeans hanging happily from his hips.

  ‘He’s down by the pond,’ Phil said drily. ‘He was when I went to the loo, anyway.’

  ‘I might just go and get something to eat,’ I said, getting to my feet. Phil grinned.


  ‘What?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Don’t think I haven’t noticed you slinking off with Carter, Philippa.’

  Phil shrugged. ‘My chakras respond to him.’

  I ignored her and began weaving my way through the strangers, checking their faces as I loosely made my way towards the boathouse. There were some very attractive people here tonight, people always looked more attractive when they were having a good time. I hadn’t known anyone congregating around the food and drink in the yard except Lee and Tristan and a few of their teenage friends, who all seemed to be doing their best to demolish the food stocks.

  I could see them now, down by the boathouse on the rickety old jetty. Something snagged in my stomach as they sat there, watching the reflection of the fireworks fizzle in the water. Rohan turned to see me coming. He’d declined my earlier offer to help with preparations for the barbecue, so instead I’d played with Lily in the sprinklers, fed the ducklings with her and cut out a few dodgy-looking paper decorations using up the last of Rohan’s printer paper. Having seen my issues with balance, Carter had gone up the step ladder to hang mine and Lily’s contributions in the trees around the back of the mill. It looked like a snow cannon had gone off once we’d finished sending Carter up and down with them.

  Rohan got to his feet as I stepped onto the jetty. Another silver shower flittered over the water.

  ‘Hey.’

  ‘Hey.’

  ‘I wondered where you guys had got to.’

  ‘Lily didn’t like the noise. Thought we’d watch them from here, where it’s quieter.’

  I lifted my chin to take in the colours exploding between the stars in the sky and those on the millpond’s surface. ‘It’s so beautiful,’ I said absently, staring up at the riot of colour.

  ‘It is,’ Rohan agreed, his eyes as warm on me as the night air.

  I resumed sky-gazing, smiling at the stars. The delicate scents of the water played against the smoke of the barbecue and fireworks on the air, then the delicate spice of Rohan’s skin when I felt the soft warmth of his fingers find their way into mine. Another explosion of fireworks went off in my chest. Lily looked back over her shoulder at me, at her father’s hand around mine. I knew he felt me stiffen.