A Part of Me

by Anouska Knight

  ‘It’s not just about him, though, Amy. Or you,’ she said, setting her phone down on the counter. ‘His child is only young, he and her mother can’t have been separated that long!’

  ‘Four years, Mum!’

  ‘Just, give it some time. If it’s meant to be, he’ll find his way back to you.’

  ‘I don’t want to wait for the stars to align for me any more, Mum, it never happens! I just want to have some little snippets of happiness where I can find them. Is that so unreasonable?’

  Mum puffed at an auburn corkscrew hanging in front of her glasses. ‘No, sweetheart. It’s not.’ She reached across and pulled me into a bear hug, rocking me like she did when I was a child. She kissed the side of my head. ‘Just … be careful, Amy. I don’t think I can bear seeing you hurt any more.’

  I squeezed my arms around her. ‘Will it make you feel any better if you know we’re going to an ice-cream parlour this afternoon? Not a jeweller’s?’

  She laughed a little. ‘Do you want to borrow my car?’

  ‘Are you kidding? It’s a first date, I’m trying to look cool here, Mum.’

  *

  Rohan had offered to pick me up, but I wanted to check Carter was okay, and help them with the clean-up operation after last night. I took the same route along the river, cutting across the meadow and the black smouldering patch of earth where the fire had been, following the strings of light bulbs all the way down to the grassy ridge encircling the mill. I left the bike there, walking down the other side across the yard towards the back double doors into the kitchen. They were opened out, and I was just about to step through them when the fervent quacking of ducks on the pond caught my attention. They only came over here when there was food in it for them. I glanced over at the beginnings of the walkway, sweeping around the mill’s waterside wall. A piece of bread flew through the air towards several little ducklings, Lily’s arm just peeping into view.

  I opened my mouth to call out to her, then stopped myself. Megan would be here somewhere too. I heard her voice then, further around along the wooden walkway. I don’t know what made me hang back, pondering whether to go back to the river and wait there a while or just burst around the corner with my best ‘hello, everyone’.

  ‘Just think about it, Ro. Think about who could see what you’ve created! All of the key players out there, the people they could put you in touch with!’ Megan’s voice was imploring, hopeful.

  ‘I haven’t been in the game for four years, Meg. Most of them won’t even remember my name.’

  ‘Of course they will! Ro, I’ve seen you out there! You’ve still got it. Think of the publicity you would have, the guy who came back from his injuries, better, stronger than before!’

  ‘I don’t want to be a poster boy, Meg!’

  ‘Ro … just think about it? For Lily? Look, we don’t fly until Tuesday morning; you have your passport, right?’ I felt as if I’d just dived into the millpond again, cold and overwhelmed. Megan’s voice lowered. ‘It would be nice for us to spend some time together too, Ro. Catch up on old times.’

  Thud, thud, thud. The sensation in my chest was suddenly so strong I wondered if Lily would hear it.

  Rohan’s voice dropped too. ‘Meg, look … you were right. I do love having Lily around. I do want to see her more, spend much more time together, but—’

  ‘Lily needs more than a part-time father, Ro. We could be a unit, a solid unit if you’d let us.’ I heard her feet move, into him probably. Something inside my chest clunked, about to fall off its hinge. ‘We could all have the best of both worlds, Ro. Time together and time on our own projects. Look at this place, Lily couldn’t want for a more perfect childhood setting. This could be our base. There are good transport links and I’ve already looked at the local schools. Everything you didn’t have, Ro, you can give her now. We can give her.’

  ‘And what about us, Meg? You can’t just put all of this on the table and think that’s all it’ll take. Have you forgotten how it was?’

  ‘We’ve changed, Ro. I know I have, and I definitely know that you have. No one else could give her what we could, Ro.’

  ‘We give her everything she needs already, Megan. We’ve made sure of that.’

  ‘And what about long term, Ro? When her needs change? You know, she’s been asking about a baby sister.’ Megan laughed, making light of the suggestion. ‘Imagine that, Ro, Lils always having someone, like you and Cart.’

  I found myself turning slowly, the stone base of the mill cool against my back. Everything felt fuzzy, hot.

  I listened to Lily’s footsteps hammering along the gangway to her parents as I crossed the yard, knew how perfect they would look standing there together at the water’s edge. Lily with her mother’s hair and eyes almost as bewitching as her father’s. A unit. A family. Everything Rohan wanted for her.

  CHAPTER 35

  GUY SUNK HIS teeth into another bite of the baguette he’d just constructed after his merciless fridge raid. I couldn’t see the point in driving Harry around the neighbourhood to settle him off to sleep with the sorcery of engine vibration, only to bring him here to Mum’s once mission had been accomplished. Other than the noises Guy made as he ate and the low drone of the TV, the lounge was subdued, suiting my mood just marvellously.

  The news was about as uplifting as usual: death, war, displacement, politics. All the things that should have reminded me to be grateful for my lot. The presenter promised a weather update after the following sports headlines, the screen flashing through to footballers limbering up on a floodlit field.

  ‘How come you’re home tonight, anyway? Thought you’d be over at the Bionic Man’s,’ Guy said, picking a piece of ham off his shirt. Rohan had called yesterday afternoon after I hadn’t shown for our ice-cream date. The miserable ride home had given me enough time to prepare a whole speech about why it was better that we were friends, how I probably shouldn’t be rushing into anything new, a handful of other paper-thin reasons that didn’t touch on what I really wanted to say – that I knew what Megan wanted and that I couldn’t blame her for wanting it; that despite the way my normal faculties seemed to shut down just by being in the same vicinity as him I couldn’t act on it the way I wanted to; that Lily deserved more than a fully-fledged attempt from me to steal away her father.

  He’d never got to hear a word of it, of course. I’d taken the coward’s way out, again, and had made up an excuse about helping mum with her e-petition.

  ‘So what is the crack with you and Terminator?’ Guy said, looking at me over his sandwich. ‘Mum said you’ve been getting it on with him? I like him more than that knobhead you were stuck with before.’ Guy ran the butt of his baguette around the mess on his plate. ‘Who d’you reckon would win in a fight: knobhead or the Terminator?’

  ‘Do you want another sandwich, Guy?’ I asked, thinking of other, more violent ways to occupy his mouth. He ignored me.

  ‘I like him. Like what he did for the grubby kid at the fete.’

  I felt the murmurings of a sinking feeling. I didn’t want to be reminded of Rohan’s virtues right now. They were already cast into my memory, into every place I’d felt his touch the night before last. It already seemed a distant event. The ghost of a sensation ran along my collar bone as my body remembered his kisses there.

  Guy startled me. ‘What was his last name again? I swear I know him.’

  I rubbed the back of my neck, the television screen flicking through coverage of another sporting event, eager spectators standing in the shadows of huge structures covered in advertising for energy drinks.

  ‘Whose last name?’ I mumbled, zapping the channel onto something else, a period drama with not a skateboard, BMX or adrenalin junkie in sight.

  ‘Oi! I was watching that!’

  The front door clicked open, echoing through the hallway, a jovial commotion as Mum stepped into the house laughing and chattering enthusiastically.

  ‘I know! And his face! Did you see it, when they had to read it o
ut themselves?’ Mum exclaimed, thrill in her voice.

  ‘I have to say, I was quite surprised, Vivian. I think everyone in that room tonight was!’ chuckled her very male companion. Guy and I looked across the lounge at one another, then to the partially open door onto the hallway. My brother had almost completely stopped chewing as Mum crossed the hallway and popped her head around the lounge door.

  ‘Hello, son. Harry not settling again?’ she asked, regarding Guy and his armchair picnic. Harry was still strapped into his car seat, plonked on the carpet beside Guy’s feet.

  ‘How did you get on?’ I asked, trying to make out the shape of the shadow hovering in the hallway behind her.

  A smile reached across her face before she answered. ‘You’re not going to believe it, sweetheart. Nearly four thousand signatures!’

  ‘What? Four thousand? But, there aren’t that many people in Earleswicke, are there?’

  I heard a small agreeable laugh from somewhere behind Mum.

  ‘We’re part of a wider cyber community, sweetheart! Karen said the numbers jumped once she’d put the e-petition on the Twittering thing Rohan was explaining to me.’

  There was that name again.

  ‘I said he was a good lad,’ came the gruff voice from the hallway.

  ‘Jumped?’ Guy guffawed. ‘That’s one hell of a jump, Mum. What did you do, offer free homemade cake to every signatory?’ I sat up in my chair, trying to see the stranger in the hallway. The stranger who knew a good lad when he saw one.

  Mum was shaking her head in happy disbelief. ‘Guy, I couldn’t tell you how it worked out to come to such a high number. All I know is, some of the other people on the site Karen put the link on passed the information around their friends and it just … grew.’

  ‘And now that old fool and his council cronies have had to swallow their words! They’ll lose too much face if they go back on their promises now,’ the voice from the hall said.

  ‘Come on in, John,’ Mum said, stepping aside. A flat cap popped into view. John Harper looked even more like an off-duty Santa in his berry-red shirt and coffee-coloured corduroy jacket.

  ‘John was at the meeting too,’ Mum declared happily. ‘All these years living in the same town and we didn’t meet properly until I overheard him talking about the work he’s been doing down in Briddleton. I thought, Hang on a minute! He must know my beautiful daughter. It’s a small world.’ She smiled, slipping the scarf from her neck.

  ‘Well, I can see where she gets her looks from,’ John said bashfully. ‘Hello, young lady.’ He tipped his cap.

  ‘Hello, John,’ I said, bemused.

  ‘Your mother here tells me you’ve been having some bother with a sticky door?’ Guy still hadn’t returned to his sandwich.

  ‘John’s going to take a look at it for me,’ Mum added, reading the question in Guy’s face.

  ‘I’ll bet he is,’ Guy muttered.

  ‘You’ll be in safe hands, Mum. John’s an excellent carpenter.’ Guy noted my endorsement.

  ‘Why, thank you very much, young lady. The boss has been singing your praises too, you know. You’ve done a beautiful job of that place, young Bywater’s very pleased with you.’ John nodded at me.

  ‘Bywater?’ Guy said. ‘Rohan Bywater … Rohan Bywater …’ He was like a hound, rolling around the scent of Rohan’s name.

  ‘He’s been a good lad to work for, too. I’ve still got a few things to finish off around the place, but he’s off tomorrow, so the lad’s paid me early. I told him I could wait, but—’

  ‘He’s going somewhere?’ I asked, that sinking feeling starting to resemble more of a twenty-thousand-leagues-under-the-sea type of sensation.

  ‘Oh, you’ve missed all the excitement today. Him and his pal with the hair have been scurrying all over the place, getting their things together for some big opportunity with that leg contraption they’ve been playing with. When I left there earlier, Rohan was loading his cases into his truck.’

  Something somewhere between anxiety and nausea rolled inside me. He’d called me this morning, but I didn’t trust myself not to make a complete U-turn and ask to meet with him. I hadn’t answered the call. An hour later, I’d wimped out again. Then nothing. No more calls after that. I knew he wouldn’t keep trying then, it wasn’t in him any more to chase the unwilling.

  ‘Would you like something to eat, John? I have a lovely hock of ham? I could do you a bit of salad?’

  ‘That sounds lovely, Vivian. Heckling councillors is hungry work!’ John said, led away by my mother.

  I sat gazing into the emptiness, trying to find that tiny speck of relief that somewhere, a right decision had been made. Harry stirred in his seat, his hand rubbing clumsily over his face before sleep sucked him back under.

  I’d seen another two buses, this morning, both with the same advertising campaign showing the same faces, asking the same question. I knew the answer to whether I could or not, I just didn’t know whether I could do it alone. I’d put my head down, run harder, but like a catchy jingle the question had found its foothold and had stayed with me throughout the day.

  I didn’t have the luxury of running now.

  Guy was studying his phone. I thought about asking him his views on single-parenthood. Anna had said I hadn’t turned out too bad from a single-parent upbringing. Guy had turned out better than me. And then there was him. Rohan. Flying the flag for triumph over adversity.

  I was pretty sure Rohan would have dragged himself, aching and bruised, through every second it had taken to learn how to walk again, swim again, ride a stunt bike like a professional again. He was fearless that way.

  Guy’s voice burst through my thoughts. ‘Rohan J. Bywater, age: thirty-six; born: Newcastle, UK; height: six foot one inches; weight: one hundred and sixty five pounds; event: Freestyle BMX; medal record: first place Double Vert 2008 G Force Games Madrid; second place Vert 2009 G Force Games Vancouver.’ Guy scrolled through the rest of the information on his phone screen, eyes widening. ‘I knew I knew him. Holy shit, no wonder he whooped my butt, the guy’s a machine. Didn’t think he had a Geordie accent, though.’

  He didn’t. His accent could’ve been from anywhere and nowhere.

  ‘Do you want anything from the kitchen?’ I asked, rising from my chair.

  ‘Hang on, don’t run off.’

  ‘I’m not running off, Guy,’ I said. ‘I just don’t want to hear your running commentary on a guy you don’t really know anything about,’ I added, dragging myself across the carpet.

  ‘I know there are a lot of people happy to see him back on Twitter,’ Guy said, reading his screen. I narrowed my eyes at him. ‘Up until last week, his last tweet wasn’t since …’

  Four years ago.

  ‘… four years ago.’

  I left him to it. I’d made a point of not rooting around the net, inputting Rohan’s name to find out just how much of a sporting career he’d had before fate had struck. He’d played it down, but I wasn’t stupid. He had to have had some serious sponsors to have the sort of insurance pay-out that would have bought the mill and left enough cash to keep him and Carter afloat.

  In the kitchen, Mum was chirpily running through all the DIY jobs she’d never got round to around the house while John listened attentively, stopping occasionally to nibble on the platter of food next to him. I tried not to disturb them.

  ‘Would you get that please, sweetheart?’ Mum said, turning to John. ‘It’s probably Lauren, my daughter-in-law, looking for her child,’ she tittered.

  ‘Get what?’ I asked, just as someone knocked at the front door. I hadn’t heard it before. Mum was already back hovering over John’s shoulder.

  Sure. It was probably Carter and Phil come to announce their unrequited love in an explosion of white doves. Love birds. The very term should’ve forewarned how my romantic life was destined to turn out. A feathery horror show with elements of window-splattering disaster. I pulled open the door, absently thinking such thoughts.

 
The colour of his eyes never grew any less staggering.

  I was gawping, taking in his features, serious and uncertain. It was still like opening the door to a glorious pool of light I couldn’t look away from.

  Rohan’s jaw tightened. ‘I just wanted to stop by. See you before I left.’

  Still gawping. ‘Are you going away?’ I asked, feigning my usual ignorance.

  He looked at his feet, nodding to himself. ‘Just for a couple of weeks,’ he said, burying his hands into his jean pockets. ‘It’s not good timing for me, I had other things I wanted to focus on,’ he said, stealing a look at me. I felt my cheeks warm. He looked regretful, as if maybe he wasn’t sure about going to Stockholm. His expression changed. ‘But something’s come up. I wasn’t expecting it to, honestly I don’t think I’m ready for it, but … it’s an opportunity.’ I smiled and looked at my feet too. I’d staked my claim on the dino slippers.

  ‘Sounds good. You should go for it.’ I smiled, already picturing him and Megan under a Nordic sunset. Rohan wasn’t saying anything. ‘Well, take care.’ I smiled again. ‘Travel safely and, er … whatever you get up to, break a leg.’ I laughed but it fell flat like a stunned blackbird.

  I was still inspecting the edge of the step when the scent of that same spiced soap reached closer to me. I kept my eyes on the floor, at the battered leather boots stood either side of my ridiculous furry dinosaur claws. He ducked down, angling himself so that he just caught the edge of my mouth. That taste again, laced over my lips. I swallowed as he kissed me softly, trying not to lose my nerve and just grab onto him, pull him into me so I could kiss him frenziedly until my air ran out.

  And then he broke from me. I heard him swallow before he spoke. ‘You know, maybe I could not go tomorrow. Maybe I could stay instead. Go get that ice cream?’ I watched him feed his fingers through mine, his thumbs exploring the soft grooves of my hands. But his hands weren’t mine to hold.

  ‘No,’ I swallowed, ‘you go. You should go.’ I backed into the doorway. He looked unsure. I’d had no such self-control the last time he’d touched me. He ran a hand up over the back of his neck and nodded, dropping his feet back off the step.