A Part of Me

by Anouska Knight

  Rohan moved behind me, the towels in his arms only partially preventing the moonlight from catching on some of the contours of his stomach, riding the definition of his neat broad body. He said nothing as he stepped in to me, slipping the damp towel from my shoulders until it fell to my feet.

  I waited, nervously now, for him to offer me the towel, but he was transfixed, a look of determination and uncertainty vying for ownership of his features. A flittering sensation crept up my neck. Rohan was too good-looking for just one person, too beautiful, and completely unchartered territory.

  He set the towels down on the floor, holding me there with those incredible eyes. I heard myself swallow. I couldn’t remember James ever looking at me like that. Thoughts of him hiked up my unease. Rohan was out of my league. What could this utterly intoxicating man want from me that he couldn’t get anywhere else? I hadn’t been enough for James, how could I possibly be enough for a guy like Rohan?

  ‘You’re so beautiful, Amy,’ he said quietly, his hand finding its way to the wet cotton clinging to my hip. Stood here, bedraggled in pond water, I almost laughed, but he pulled me into his body, pressing the warmth of his torso against the chill of my wet dress.

  My breathing was becoming shallower. He was leaning down towards me. I shouldn’t be here, I hardly knew him.

  You were with James for nearly nine years. And you hardly knew him. Objection … denied.

  I could leave. If I wanted to. Rohan was taking it slow, so I could feel every drop of adrenalin flooding my veins, fight or flight … but his mouth was hovering just over mine. I knew that once he touched down, it was all over for me. A heartbeat passed, and Rohan pressed his mouth to mine. My heart jumped into my throat. I could feel the thudding in his chest as his mouth began to delicately greet mine. I realised that I was kissing him right back. He tasted sweet, new … a new flavour to hold against my lips. Fingers fanned out around my waist as I fell into that kiss, deeply and surely, exploring him with the edge of my tongue. He was waiting, waiting for me to welcome him in. I ran my arms through his, pulling his broad hot back into me. His skin rippled with goose bumps as I pressed more of my wet front against him. He responded, heightening his fervour and forcing his eager mouth deftly over mine.

  ‘I’ve waited so long for this,’ he whispered against my lips. My hand ran up the contour of his back, rising over the breadth of his shoulders, up into all that glorious dark hair for weeks I’d imagined the touch of, the smell of. I let my fingers slip through it, savouring every silky strand.

  Rohan bent down and slipped an arm behind my legs, where my flimsy dress clung to my knees. He scooped me up, his lips finding mine again. I wanted to kiss him, and kiss him and never stop finding more of that taste. I was still tasting him when he lowered me down, into the soft furs of his bed throws.

  I wanted him. Wanted him with every nerve ending in my body. He knelt down at the edge of the bed beside me, his fingers nimbly following the trail of buttons of my dress. I watched the musculature of his stomach bunch and release in the moonlight as he undid me. I sat up as he neared the end of his task, slipping out of the straps, throwing the wet fabric away to the floor. I couldn’t see enough of him, only that which the slivers of the moon allowed. He watched me, I thought, looking down onto my all but naked body. I started to consider what he thought of me – what he thought of the few tiny stretch marks, silvered against my tummy; what he would think when he saw … His hands slipped into a burst of steadied action, pulling at the fly of his jeans. He pushed everything down, one merciful shaft of subdued light, stealing my attention from my own imperfections, guiding me to the gift he was about to give me, long and full and ready. I think I’d actually forgotten to breathe. My heart was that little bird again, crazily fluttering against the bars of my ribcage. He leant over me, kissing me deeply again and his hands rounded my thighs sliding fingers over the edge of me. He pulled the last stitch I was wearing down, over my knees, slipping my knickers from my feet.

  His hands felt cool, gliding over the swell of my breasts where he next shared the sweetness of his mouth.

  He pulled softly at my nipple, gently teasing with his teeth. I shuddered beneath him. I couldn’t wait any longer, pulling him up over me, clamping my thighs around him, wanting him to sink home. Rohan couldn’t wait either. I felt the warm press of him against me, against my readiness, a sweet sharp push and …

  My breath caught in my chest as Rohan forced himself heavily into me, sliding rhythmically into everything I wanted to share with him. When I could breathe again, I showered his chest with wet kisses, my fingers exploring the lines of his hips, following them down to our most eager parts before they danced over to his back, pulling him into me harder and harder.

  Rohan made love to me with the strength and skill I’d seen him apply to everything he did – able and talented, I felt as if sex had been something I might have entirely missed the point of for these last years. Phil was right, hearts and toes … Rohan left everything of me on fire.

  *

  After we’d laid beside each other awhile, panting and satiated on the expanse of his bed, the first doubts began to creep in. I’d just jumped into bed with another man after a huge emotional trauma. And not just any man. Rohan was a major flight risk, probably not the best person to invest what little trust I had left in me. Well, it wasn’t like I was holding out for a big white wedding, at least.

  I listened to the differing rhythms of our lungs, trying to steady themselves, and realised I had to think of something to say to him.

  Rohan was already propped on his elbow watching me think. He began to smile, I found myself mimicking him, and then unexpectedly … the giggling erupted. Rohan’s bedroom filled with the rapturous sound of childish hysterics.

  ‘Well, well,’ he laughed at me.

  ‘Shut up!’ I said, whacking him with a pillow.

  Giggling turned out to be much more enjoyable than awkward pillow-talk. Giggling, I remembered, I was pretty good at. Rohan pulled the covers up over our bodies, nestling me into the crook of his shoulder. The aftershocks of our laughter made way for a more relaxed silence, as the buzzing in my brain gently subsided.

  ‘What happened to Carter?’ I asked, running my fingers idly over the flat of his chest. His burns must have been agonising when he suffered them.

  Rohan rolled onto his back beside me. ‘He got pissed and let Tristan and the lads talk him into a boat ride.’

  ‘No, I meant to his legs?’

  I felt Rohan’s chest rise and fall deeply. ‘Another case of kids making stupid decisions,’ he said wearily. ‘He was fooling around, playing with matches in his granddad’s garden shed. There was petrol in there, he messed up, tried to put it out.’ I winced at the image I’d held on to of those angry pink scars. ‘He was just being a boy, I guess, but his grandpa couldn’t cope at the time so that’s how he came to be at the foster home.’

  I looked at the eeriness of the light, falling in through the balcony doors. Tonight was a night for pushing boundaries, being brave. ‘And … how did you come to be there?’

  Rohan’s chest didn’t rise so much this time.

  ‘l guess my mum couldn’t cope either. I never met my dad, but the guy Mum was living with when they took me away, he wasn’t good for us. He liked a drink, could be a mean old bastard. Not to me, but to her. They told her to get rid of him for our good, but she didn’t. She kept getting more chances but in the end, they took me. They had to.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Rohan. Did you ever see her again?’

  ‘I tried. Once I’d turned eighteen. Art helped me find a number for her. So I called her, told her I was the kid she hadn’t seen for ten years. She agreed to meet me but …’

  ‘She didn’t show?’ I asked, choked on hope that I was wrong. Rohan gave a small shake of his head. ‘Maybe something happened?’ I tried. ‘Did you call her again?’

  ‘I called her. I called her over and over. I could have gone around to her house, but I didn’
t want to, you know, pressure her. Then eventually, I received a letter through the post. It said not to contact her again.’ My heart sank for him. ‘I get the message much quicker these days.’ He smiled. ‘It doesn’t take long for me to stop ringing.’

  ‘Except where’s Lily’s involved,’ I said, trying to put something of warmth back.

  Rohan smiled automatically. ‘She’s changed me,’ he said, blown away by the truth of it.

  ‘I did say. Children have the ability to do that. Even after the briefest time.’

  Rohan had stopped tracing his fingers over my skin. He took a few strands of my hair between his fingers instead, quietly gathering his thoughts.

  ‘Lil took two days to come out of her mum. Eventually they gave Meg a caesarean,’ he said, sweeping his finger through the waves on my pillow. ‘Her scar is like yours.’

  The instinct was to shift to something else, to play down the significance of that neat line over my groin. Truths were easier to ignore in the dark, after all, like a sandpit tucked away in the shade.

  I rolled over, sitting my hands under my cheek so I could see him better.

  ‘I had a little boy,’ I said quietly. ‘He would have been five years old this August.’ I found smiling somehow kept at bay the other things my face might want to do. Rohan remained motionless. ‘He was born nine weeks early. I had what the doctors called an abruption. My placenta had come away from the wall of my uterus so he wasn’t getting what he needed. He’d been moving around a lot, so I hadn’t been that worried,’ I added, succumbing to the weight of my ignorance back then. ‘They told me afterwards that he was probably moving so much because he was in distress.’

  I tried to smile, but the muscles were failing me. I began chewing inside my lip instead.

  ‘I never thought about being a mother until I fell pregnant. At first, I didn’t know if I was ready. I was more worried about changing my lifestyle than anything else.’ Another ignorance I wish I could go back and change. ‘They tried to save him with the section, but—’ I still couldn’t say it out loud. I took a deep breath as Rohan tried to soothe me with gentle eyes. ‘They couldn’t stop me bleeding. I lost a lot of blood. They decided to give me the best chance and took my uterus.’

  Rohan was silent for a few moments while I relived that night. I’d woken up in a side room, James and my mother stricken with loss.

  ‘What was his name?’ Rohan said through the darkness.

  I heard myself take a deep breath to help.

  ‘We named him Jacob,’ I said shakily.

  ‘Jacob. It’s a good name, Amy.’

  I smiled and nodded, feeling a warm spill run from the corner of my eye onto the pillow. Rohan caught it with his thumb. I laughed then.

  ‘Talk about a party killer!’ I said, trying to bat away the feelings brewing in my chest.

  Rohan didn’t smile, watching me carefully as I regained control. He dried off the wet run over the bridge of my nose.

  ‘I think anyone who adopts a child is an amazing person, Amy.’

  ‘I do too. But it’s so tough. Since Jacob, it feels like all I’ve thought about is being a mother. James isn’t all bad; I changed when we tried for the adoption. Do the right thing, say the right thing, live the right way. Now I’m tired out from it. I don’t want to pretend I’m someone I’m not any more.’

  ‘So don’t. Be yourself. That’s enough.’ I pulled a deep breath in through my nose. ‘It’s enough for me,’ he added.

  He leant forward and kissed me softly on my lips. I watched him as our kiss broke.

  ‘Enough has a habit of changing though, Rohan,’ I said quietly. ‘You didn’t want Lily to stay here a couple of weeks ago and tonight you were trying to get Meg to leave her here while she goes to Sweden.’

  Rohan’s eyes hadn’t left mine. ‘I guess you’re right. Lily has changed me. I do want her here with me, I can’t help it. I want to see her wake up groggy-headed in the morning, and when she finds something new she doesn’t understand – I want to explain it to her. I want it all. But more than anything, I want her to know what it is to have a stable family life.’

  I watched the pieces clicking into place for him as he thought them through. I wanted those things too, but maybe Rohan knew even more than I did just how precious they were.

  I slipped my hand over his side, burying my head under his chin, the steady thrum of his heart beating against me. Tonight had been wonderful, a burst of colour amidst some very grey days, but where did I go from here?

  ‘Do you know what I could eat right now?’ he asked, stroking a figure of eight over my shoulder.

  I stayed where I was, waiting for the answer to vibrate through his chest.

  ‘A knickerbocker glory!’ he exclaimed. ‘I haven’t eaten one of those since I was a kid.’

  I smiled against his chest. ‘I think they call them sundaes now, but they’re never as grand.’

  ‘A knickerbocker glory would rock right now.’

  ‘You know, there’s a new parlour, in the city not far from my office. Old office. You should take Lily there, she’d love it.’

  ‘How about we try it out first, before Lily gets back from Stockholm? We could even go tomorrow? Just the two of us?’

  I rolled away from him to better see his face. ‘Like … on a date?’ I asked.

  Rohan grinned through the twilight. ‘Exactly like a date. I’ll even pay.’

  CHAPTER 34

  I AWOKE TO the gentle call of birdsong and the tiny motes of dust, dancing in through the balcony doors, laced in the golden glow of morning sun. Rohan’s arm was underneath me, my hair feathered out around us both. I carefully tilted my head to sniff whether it smelled of pondweed or not, but all I could smell was him, in my hair, on the sheets, on my skin.

  I tried not to glance at him as if a lingering look might wake him, but I couldn’t move my eyes once they’d found him. His eyebrows were softer as he slept, angular and perfect over the closed lids I knew held their own treasures. I followed the straight line of his nose, down past the beginnings of stubble to the contours of his lips – his Cupid’s bow that last night had found its mark.

  I didn’t want to get up, but I was sufficiently out of practice with these kinds of situations that with no make-up, toothbrush or conditioner, slipping away quietly seemed best. I delicately pushed aside the furred throw so as not to wake him and began fishing around on the floor for my underwear. I found my dress hanging over the bath tap, draped across the floor as if I’d been waving it like a white flag last night – I give up, my life’s a mess, but good news! I’m crazy about you!

  I pulled the muddied fabric away, revealing Rohan’s prosthetic leg propped up beneath it like a practical joke.

  That was new. Knickers, jeans, dress, leg – amongst other things strewn across the wide polished floorboards. I looked back at him snoozing, all soft and snug. One prosthetic limb and I was thinking of his body all over again. That perfect, beautiful breath-taking body. It was all I thought about as I dressed, as I found my phone and sneaked downstairs to call my taxi.

  *

  Mum was flapping.

  She hadn’t said much when she caught me fishing around beneath the boot-scraper on her doorstep for the spare key, or when I’d bustled in past her for the taxi fare from her money tin. She’d gone to say something when I’d emerged singing from the shower but then had thought better of it and just rolled her eyes instead.

  ‘Can’t you just go online, and find out how many names you have?’ I asked, sinking my teeth into a second round of buttery toast.

  ‘No, it doesn’t tell you that bit until they’re all counted,’ she said, wrinkling her nose over her glasses at the small telephone screen in front of her.

  Today was the last day for her e-petition. Tomorrow the community centre would likely be reclaimed for the suits and the likes of Tristan and Lee would have even more time on their hands. Although once Rohan had dealt with them, something told me they might actually keep their
noses clean – at least for a while. Even the reminder of my impromptu moonlight dip couldn’t sour my morning’s nirvana.

  ‘Mum, you’ve done all you can. Try to relax.’

  ‘Like you, you mean?’ she asked accusingly. ‘You’ve got a spring in your step today.’ I knew it wouldn’t be long.

  ‘I have a date later. I thought you’d be pleased. No sign-up fee required.’ I bit into another triangle.

  ‘With Rohan, I suppose?’

  I waited until I’d finished chewing. ‘Yes.’

  ‘And will Lily be tagging along?’

  ‘No.’

  Her expression softened. ‘Just be careful, Amy. Where children are involved, hmm? Petra never gave your father a chance. You’re jumping from a long and eventful relationship straight into another … well, family, of sorts.’

  ‘I haven’t jumped anywhere. In fact, I’ve been rolling around with stabilisers on for years, being careful about everything. I just want to let go a little, leave things to chance for a while. I think it might be good.’

  ‘Sweetheart, I want you to have fun. Lord knows you deserve some. But don’t rush into a new relationship. Give yourself some time to find out who you are on your own. Get to know yourself again.’

  ‘I am getting to know myself, Mum! He makes me feel like … pushing my boundaries! Like it doesn’t matter if I’m good at my job, or if I don’t watch what I eat in case it all piles on, or if I make a complete fool of myself! He’s …’ I thought about how easy it was with him, despite all the warnings tripping off in my head. ‘He’s pretty great.’

  ‘Amy, he doesn’t know you!’

  ‘He knows enough. He knows I hate cucumber, and that I’m useless with height, and that birds freak me out … that I can’t have children. He knows all the things I don’t want people to know about me, and he still called me this morning.’