Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader
Page 31
—VideoHound’s Golden Movie Retriever
“The fast-forwardable plot concerns the title characters’ efforts to go back in time and stop Camella Swales (Morgan Fairchild) from banning conventional reproduction….This, folks, is what low-budget video is all about.
—VideoHound’s Complete Guide to Cult Flicks and Trash Pics
BURGLARY IN THE YEAR 2000 (1909) The first movie ever released with the year 2000 in its title.
Plot: A professor invents a substance that enables objects like chairs and tables to get up and walk away. Two burglars steal the stuff and use it to commit a series of crimes. But they drink too much wine, fall asleep, and are nabbed by the police. According to a contemporary review in Moving Picture World, the effect offered “considerable magic” and audiences “laughed heartily.”
ESCAPE 2000 (1982) Original title: Turkey Shoot.
Plot: In the year 1995, the world population has been subjugated; individuality is not permitted. People who refuse to conform are labeled “deviates” and are sent to behavioral modification centers—then they’re hunted in jungles for sport. Critical comment: “Repulsive…If constant whippings, decapitations and burnings are your idea of a good time, this one’s for you.”—Movies on TV and Video Cassette
JONAH—WHO WILL BE 25 IN THE YEAR 2000 (1976)
This one is actually a good film.
Plot: Swiss director Alain Tanner’s bittersweet story of eight disillusioned 1960s revolutionaries who are trying to adjust to life in the 1970s. The reference to 2000 comes up in the friends’ spontaneous song about one character’s unborn son, Jonah:
In the year 2000, Jonah will be 25 / At 25, the century will disgorge him. The whale of history will disgorge Jonah / Who will be 25 in the year 2000 That’s the time left to us / To help get him out, out of the mess.
The word “longshoreman” is derived from “along-the-shore-man.”
YOU CALL THAT ART?
It’s interesting to study the paintings of the great masters…but sometimes it’s even more fun to study the work of the great fakers. Like these folks.
HANS VAN MEEGEREN
Background: At the end of World War II, Dutch authorities began investigating the sale of Dutch national treasures to Nazi officials. They learned that Hans Van Meegeren, a struggling Dutch artist, had sold a priceless 17th-century Vermeer called Christ and the Adulteress to Nazi leader Hermann Goering for $256,000. Once the painting was repossessed and authenticated as a work painted during Vermeer’s “middle period,” Van Meegeren was arrested and charged with collaborating with the Nazis—a crime punishable by death.
The Truth: Van Meegeren defended himself by saying that there was no Vermeer “middle period,” and that he had faked all six of the paintings attributed to those years of the artist’s life. Van Meegeren also claimed to have painted two works by Dieter de Hoochs, and one by Terborch.
The judge didn’t believe him. But to be sure, he sent the artist back to his studio (under guard) and told him to “paint another Vermeer.” Van Meegeren quickly created something he called The Young Christ Teaching at the Temple. It was, by all appearances, painted in the style of Vermeer.
What Happened: The judge dropped the treason charges. But as each of the paintings Van Meegeren took credit for were tested and proven to be fakes, he was arrested again—this time for forgery and fraud. He was convicted and sentenced to a year in prison; he died from a heart attack one month after the trial.
DAVID STEIN
Background: In the mid-60s, a 31-year-old art collector named David Stein walked into the shop of one of New York’s top art dealers with three watercolor paintings by Russian painter Marc Chagall. The dealer bought all three for $10,000.
The Truth: Stein had painted all three “Chagalls” that morning before lunch. He made the new canvases look old by soaking them in Lipton’s tea, and forged letters of authentication at the frame shop while waiting for the paintings to be framed.
233 Dalmatians were used in the filming of the movie “101 Dalmatians.”
What Happened: As Stein put it, “I should have stuck to dead men.” By pure coincidence, Marc Chagall happened to be in New York that very same day…and the art dealer who bought the paintings had an appointment to meet with him. The dealer brought the paintings to the meeting, and Chagall immediately denounced them as fakes. Stein was arrested and spent nearly four years in American and French prisons. But the bust was such a boost to his reputation that when he got out of prison, he was able to make a living from his own original paintings.
PAVEL JERDANOWICH
Background: In the spring of 1925, the Russian-born Jerdanowich submitted a painting called Exaltation to a New York art exhibit. The red and green colors were unusual for the period, and the face of the woman in the painting was distorted, but art critics admired the work, and Jerdanowich was invited to exhibit at a New York show in 1926. He did—this time displaying a painting called Aspiration and explaining that he was the founder of the “Disumbrationist” school of painting. The following year, he showed two more paintings, Adoration and Illumination. Jerdanowich’s groundbreaking work caused a storm, and he was hailed as a visionary.
The Truth: “Pavel Jerdanowich” was actually Paul Jordan Smith, a Latin scholar who hated abstract and modernist trends in art. When an art critic criticized his wife’s realistic paintings as “definitely of the old school” in 1925, he set out to prove that critics would praise any painting they couldn’t understand. “I asked my wife for paint and canvas,” he recounted after admitting the hoax. “I’d never tried to paint anything in my life.” The Disumbrationist School was born.
What Happened: Smith admitted the ruse to the Los Angeles Times in 1927, but the confession only fueled interest in his work. A Chicago gallery owner displayed the paintings in 1928, and later called the show “the most widely noticed exhibition I have ever heard of.”
Termites are blind.
HAR-HAR! RAH-RAH!
Palindromes are phrases or sentences that are spelled the same way backward or forward. Some people spend their whole lives making new ones up. Here are some of Uncle John’s favorites.
A dog! A panic in a pagoda!
I’m a boob, am I?
Dog doo! Good god!
“Do orbits all last?” I brood.
Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside.
An admirer! I’m Dana!
Oh no! Don Ho!
Emil, a sleepy baby, peels a lime.
Party boobytrap.
He spots one last sale. No stops, eh?
Neil, an alien.
Go hang a salami! I’m a lasagna hog!
Tarzan raised Desi Arnaz’ rat.
All erotic, I lose solicitor Ella.
Madame, not one man is selfless; I name not one, Madam.
Ron, I’m a minor.
Stressed was I ere I saw desserts.
So, Ed, I vow to do two videos.
Yo! Bozo boy!
Wonton? Not now.
Sis, ask Costner to not rent socks “as is.”
Cigar? Toss it in a can, it is so tragic.
Too far, Edna, we wander afoot.
Diana saw I was an aid.
Mad? Am I, madam?
Angola balogna.
Tennis set won, now Tess in net.
Stella wondered: “No wallets?”
Star comedy: Democrats.
I Love Me, vol. I
Now, Ned, I am a maiden won!
Ma is a nun, as I am.
Did I do, O God, did I as I said I’d do? Good, I did!
Amoral aroma.
Alan Alda stops race car, spots ad: “Lana—L.A.”
New York’s Times Square was orginally known as “Acre Square.”
TECHNO-SLANG
Here are some of the most descriptive new terms from pop culture and cyberspace, gathered by Gareth Branwyn in his book Jargon Watch.
Ant farms: Giant multiscreen movie complexes found in U.S. shopping malls.
Batmobiling: Putting up protective emotional shields just as a relationship enters an intimate, vulnerable stage. Refers to the retracting armor covering the Batmobile.
Begathon: A TV or radio fundraiser.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, deciding why a project failed—and who’s responsible.
Body Nazis: Hardcore fitness fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t exercise obsessively.
Deboning: The act of removing subscription cards and perfume ads from a magazine before reading it.
Friday night pizza maker (from Japan): Someone who gets drunk after work, then blows chow on the subway platform.
Geekosphere: The area surrounding your computer, where you display trinkets, toys, or monitor pets that have personal significance.
Height technology: Computer-geek for “ladder” as in, “Can I get some height technology in here?”
In the plastic closet: Said of those who refuse to admit they’ve had plastic surgery.
Meatspace: Computer-geek for the physical world (as opposed to cyberspace); also known as the carbon community or RW (Real World).
Panic merchants: Businesses, media outlets, and moralistic groups that make their living by exploiting common fears and anxieties.
Percussive maintenance: Whacking a device to get it working.
Prairie dogging: When someone raises a commotion in a cube farm, and everyone else’s heads pop over the walls to get a look.
Slogo: A combination corporate logo and slogan—Nike’s “Just Do It,” for example.
Thong-a-thon: A sexploitation film that features lots of women in bikinis.
Tract mansions: Big expensive homes packed in tight rows.
Um friend: A sexual relation of dubious standing. “This is my…um…friend.”
In 1790, it cost 1¢ per person to take the U.S. Census. In 1990, it was $10.45 per person.
CURSES!
We’ve all heard of one curse or another. Usually, we laugh about them. But perhaps sometimes there’s a good reason for believing.
THE CURSE OF TOSCA
Curse: Nasty things happen to actors during performances of this opera.
Origin: Unknown, but productions have been plagued with problems at least as far back as the 1920s.
Among Its Victims:
• During a production at the Met in the 1920s, the knife with which Tosca “murdered” Scarpia at the end of Act II failed to retract. Singer Antonio Scotti was stabbed.
• In 1965 at Covent Gardens, Maria Callas’s hair caught fire while she was singing the title role. It had to be put out by a quick-thinking Tito Gobbi, who was playing Scarpia.
• In a production in Rome in 1965, Gionni Raimondi’s face was scorched during the firing squad scene.
• In 1993, Elisabeth Knighton Printy jumped off the wrong side of the stage in St. Paul, Minnesota, and plunged more than 30 feet to the ground, breaking both her legs.
Status: Ongoing. Last reported incident was in 1995, when Fabio Armiliatu, starring in a Roman production, was hit in the leg by debris from blanks fired in the execution scene. He was taken off in a stretcher. Two weeks later he returned to the stage; he fell and broke his other leg in two places while standing in the wings at the end of the first act.
THE SPORTS ILLUSTRATED JINX
Curse: If you appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated magazine, you’re in for a slump or a defeat.
Origin: Unknown. For decades, sports stars have claimed that making SI’s cover was the fastest way to a slump.
Among its Victims:
• Studying the records of 58 baseball players going back to 1955 (because there are sufficient records to check in baseball), researchers found that “there was a distinct tendency for batting performance to decline…about 50 points from immediately before appearing on the cover until three weeks after the appearance.”
The first American car theft took place in St. Louis, Missouri in 1905.
Status: Scientists say that if there is anything to the SI jinx, it’s because it spooks players and thus is self-fulfilling. Also: “This extra attention and effort might cause more injuries, fatigue, or other interruptions to the hitter’s natural flow, with the result that performance suffers.”
THE OSCAR CURSE
Curse: Winning the gold statuette can ruin, rather than help, an actor’s career.
Origin: Luise Rainer won back-to-back Oscars for The Great Zieg-field (1936) and The Good Earth (1937). Two years and five horrible movies later, she was considered a has-been. Hollywood columnist Louella Parsons wrote that it was “the Oscar curse.” Parsons said her Ouija board had warned, “Beware, beware, the Oscar will get you if you don’t watch out.”
Among its Victims:
• Rita Moreno and George Chakiris (Best Supporting Actor and Actress, 1961, West Side Story). Disappeared from films after winning.
• Richard Dreyfuss (Best Actor, 1978, The Goodbye Girl). His weight ballooned to 180 pounds, he stopped bathing, and he started binging on booze and drugs.
• Michael Cimino (Best Director, 1978, The Deer Hunter). Followed Oscar with three losers: Heaven’s Gate, Year of the Dragon, and The Sicilian.
• Linda Hunt (Best Supporting Actress, 1983, The Year of Living Dangerously). Last seen in the short-lived sci-fi TV series, Space Rangers.
Status: Considered credible in Hollywood. High expectations that can’t always be fulfilled accompany an Oscar. It’s also attributed to salary demands, type-casting, greedy agents or studio bosses, and stars who believe their own press and become hard to work with.
4% of Americans are allergic to hamsters, the same percentage of Americans who walk to work.
WORD GEOGRAPHY
A few more words that were derived from the names of real places.
SUEDE
From: Sweden
Explanation: Gants de Suede is French for “gloves of Sweden.” It was in Sweden that the first leather was buffed to a fine softness, and the French bought the gants de Suede. Suede now refers to the buffing processes—not to any particular kind of leather.
TURKEY
From: Turkey
Explanation: Turk means “strength” in Turkish. The turkey bird is a large European fowl named after the country of its origin. American colonists mistakenly thought a big bird they found in the New World was the same animal…so they called it a turkey.
CHEAP
From: Cheapside, a market in London
Explanation: The Old English word was ceap (pronounced “keep”), which meant “to sell or barter.” Because Cheapside was a major market where people went to barter for low prices, the word gradually took on a new pronunciation…and meaning.
MAYONNAISE
From: Port Mahon, Spain (according to legend)
Explanation: The -aise suffix is French for “native to” or “originating in.” Mahonnaise was supposedly created to celebrate a 1756 French battle victory over the British on the Spanish isle of Port Mahon.
COFFEE
From: Kaffa, Ethiopia
Explanation: According to legend, coffee beans were first discovered in the town of Kaffa. By the thirteenth century, the Kaffa beans had traveled, becoming qahwah in Arabia, cafe in Europe, and finally coffee in the New World.
Doctors, more than any other profession, are most likely to be late for a doctor’s appointment.
COLOGNE
From: Cologne, Germany
Explanation: Scented water that was produced there beginning in 1709 was named for the city.
DENIM
From: Nimes, France
Explanation: The tough cloth used in jeans was also made in Nimes. It was called serge di Nimes—later shortened to di Nimes, which became denim.
SLAVE
From: Slavonia, Yugoslavia
Explanation: After large parts of Slavonia were subjugated by Europeans in the Middle Ag
es, a slav become synonomous with someone who lived in servitude. Eventually Slav became slave.
LIMERICK
From: Limerick, Ireland
Explanation: The town was popularly associated with humorous verses that had five lines, the first two rhyming with the last, the middle two rhyming with each other. The poems became an English fad in the mid-19th century, and people naturally identified them with the town’s name.
HAMBURGER
From: Hamburg, Germany
Explanation: People in the immigration-port city of Hamburg—called Hamburgers—liked to eat raw meat with salt, pepper, and onion-juice seasoning, a treat brought to them via Russia that we call steak tartare today. A broiled version using chopped meat eventually became popular in America.
TURQUOISE
From: Turkey/Europe
Explanation: Another Turkish origin. Turquoise comes from a number of places, but was probably first imported to Europe from Turkey. So it was called turquoise, which means “Turkish stone.”
Americans spend an estimated $10 billion a year on gambling and games of chance.
LOONEY LAWS
Believe it or not, these laws are real!
It’s illegal to ride an ugly horse down the street in Wilbur, Washington.
It’s against the law to step out of an airplane while it’s in the air over Maine.
If you don’t like a statue in Star, Mississippi, hold your tongue—it’s illegal to ridicule public architecture.
Ninth-grade boys can’t grow moustaches in Binghamton, New York.
It’s against the law to drink milk on a train passing through North Carolina.
Virginia law prohibits “corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than candidates.”
You can’t carry an ice cream cone in your pocket in Lexington, Kentucky.
It’s illegal to spit against the wind in Sault Sainte Marie, Michigan.
Goats can’t legally wear trousers in Massachusetts.