Cliché

by Ryleigh Sloan

Right after a question on what my opinion on clowns was, he asked, “Are you ready to start?”

  “Yes,” I breathed, bracing myself.

  He had another twinkle in his eye. “I’ll let you in on a little secret, Dr. Baker has already.”

  I blew out a breath, the girl who did all our stationery deliveries recently had a baby and she told me when they made the incision she wasn’t completely numb. I was so grateful I couldn’t feel a thing. Not even the pressure the lady who gave the ante-natal class spoke about and I realised Dr. Wesley had been distracting me this whole time. I smiled at him gratefully and he returned my smile warmly.

  “Look,” Dr. Wesley said, he lifted my head slightly just as Dr. Baker freed my nephew’s shoulders. An indignant wail tore through the room and Kim gasped and burst into tears. My own cheeks were wet and Adam, still snapping away, was swallowing fiercely. Dr. Baker handed my wailing nephew over to one of the nurses who checked him over and suctioned him while he continued to declare his unhappiness at the treatment he received. Relief hit me like a tidal wave and I started shaking. I’d never been more petrified in my life, I’d been so scared we were going to lose him. Once wrapped in a blue receiving blanket with yellow and green bunnies, she made to hand him to me.

  “No, that’s his mom.” I pointed to Kim.

  The nurse blushed. “Of course, I’m so sorry.”

  Kim held out her arms and the nurse handed my nephew over. The moment Kim clasped him gently to her chest, he stopped wailing and looked at her as though he was home. Tears continued to stream down Kim’s face with my own tears flowing just as freely. For months, I’d worried that when the time came I’d feel the tremendous loss when he was no longer in me. No longer “mine,” but watching him in Kim’s arms, Adam alternating between snapping shots and brushing a finger down his son’s cheek, I felt whole for the first time in months. I smiled and laughed and cried all at the same time while they sutured me up. When the time came to wheel me to recovery, they took my nephew from Kim, explaining that it was hospital policy to have him on the bed with the mom and since I delivered him that had to be me.

  I worried how Kim would react but she smiled and handed him over. When he lay on my chest, his warm little body snuggling into me, I felt an overwhelming sense of love but no sense of possessiveness. When we reached recovery and the bed stopped, Kim put out her hands for her baby again and I handed him over, not for a second feeling like I was giving him away—only giving him back. Exhaustion overwhelmed me and I felt my eyes flutter closed. A soft kiss pressed against my temple and Kim’s words of thanks whispered over my ears as I fell into the first peaceful sleep I’d had since I left Kevin over a year ago.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  A light rap on the door interrupted my doze and for a moment there I was tempted to fall back into the lull. The pain meds they had in this place really kicked my ass. When the nurse had come around with the pills a half hour ago I’d politely declined, but after a ten-minute lecture on how I needed to keep the pain at a manageable level and the meds would help accomplish that, I swallowed the capsules just to be free of the woman. At least the meds came in capsule form and I didn’t need to quarter the tablets like a kid. I imagined the staff here figured if you could give birth to a baby you could swallow some pills.

  As I pulled myself from the state that had me suspended between sleep and wakefulness, I struggled to focus. When I did, surprise had me sitting up faster than I should have and I winced as I felt the burn along my incision.

  “Hey, hey, hey, take it easy.” Kevin was at my side, helping me scoot up the bed and arranging my pillows as Hayley smiled at me from the doorway.

  Staring open-mouthed at Kevin, I swear I would have been less surprised if the doctor announced I had another baby in me. “What are you doing here?” I really didn’t mean for it to come out as harshly as it did and I flushed. “I mean, how did you know?” This time my tone was softer but there was no way I could hide my dumfounded expression.

  “Gran,” Kevin said by way of explanation.

  I nodded. Frikkin Gran. I should have known she’d tell him the minute I went into labour but as I looked at him, standing next to my bed, his hands shoved into his jeans, hair slightly tousled as though he’d rushed straight from the airport to the hospital, (which was probably the case) my fingers ached to touch him. I wanted to reach out and pull him to me, to breathe him in, to feel his arms wrap around me, and to rest my head on his chest. But he stood there, the hard set of his jaw, the tension in his shoulders, and the cool stare in his eyes obvious indicators that none of those things would be welcomed.

  Hayley walked over and stood next to Kevin, her hand resting on his shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. Her hair was shorter, chin length now with natural looking beach-blown waves. She looked lovely and fresh and the new style suited her. Handing me a gift bag, she offered an apology. “I’m sorry it’s not imaginative but we were in a rush. I think I managed to pack a pair of jeans, some yoga pants, and a t-shirt before Kevin rushed me out the door. I don’t think he packed anything for himself.”

  For all the nonsense about taking the meds for pain management, those two red and green capsules did sweet stuff-all to ease the pain ripping through my chest at Hayley’s words. It felt like I’d just had open-heart surgery instead of a caesarean. If he’d rushed her out the door that could only mean they’d were living together—or at the very least he’d been staying at her apartment when Gran had called him. Either I hid how I was feeling really well or they assumed whatever emotion was displayed across my face was as a result of their impromptu visit.

  “Open your gift.” Hayley nudged the bag resting against my side.

  I shoved my hand inside the bag and started taking out the gifts. The latest Colleen Hoover novel and a bottle of Hypnotic Poison, my favourite perfume. Hayley smiled over at Kevin. “Kevin picked them…well, except for the book. I hope you haven’t read it.”

  I cleared my throat in the hopes of keeping my voice from cracking. “Thank you.”

  He smiled, a faint tug of the lips that by no means reached his eyes. Tears threatened and I looked to Hayley, answering her earlier question. "No, I haven’t. I wanted to but heard it’s a tear-jerker and with all the hormones,” I waved my hand over my much smaller belly, “I thought it best not to push it.”

  “Good thinking, that. I didn’t have hormones to contend with and I was a wreck. I ugly cried for days every time I thought about it.”

  I smiled in sympathy, grateful for the conversation that broke the tension, if somewhat marginally. “I’ve been there. When I read It Ends with Us, I went through the ringer. Colleen has a knack for ripping your heart out and comforting you at the same time.”

  Hayley laughed. “Truer words… So how are you feeling?”

  “Surprisingly well actually. I feel better than anticipated.”

  Hayley sat on the bed, mindful not to jostle me too much. She reached over for my hand. I wasn’t normally comfortable with outright affection from people I barely knew and this was only the second time I’d been in the room with Hayley, but she was so unabashedly open that I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. “Can I just say that I admire you so much for what you did for your sister?” Suddenly looking nervous, she glanced over at Kevin then back at me. “I hope it’s okay, but Kevin told me.”

  Without looking at me Kevin walked over to the door. “I’m gonna go grab some coffee. Anyone want anything?”

  Wait, what? He’d been here all of five minutes, barely saying a word the entire time and now he was going on a coffee run? Why the heck did he come all the way here if he didn’t actually want to be here? Was he here out of obligation to Gran? Or worse, me?

  When both of us shook our heads, Kevin retreated to the canteen. I stared at the door for the longest time, regret for the way things had ended between us constricted my chest and I stared at the door for an immeasurable amount of time, all while Hayley sat patiently at my bedside.

&n
bsp; “He’s pissed,” I finally said.

  “No, he’s hurting.” The words held no judgement and neither did the next ones. “You had a baby and you didn’t tell him. You’re his best friend.”

  I looked down at the salmon-coloured blanket covering my legs, running a pulled strand gently through my fingers over and over. “What was I supposed to do? I ended our…” I paused and stared intently at the pattern on the blanket. I didn’t even know what to call what we were in the end. “Besides, it’s not like he’s been very forthcoming with his life.” Geez, I was getting defensive with Hayley and I barely knew her.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean…y’know.” I indicated to her with my hand.

  Hayley looked puzzled. “I wish I could say I did.”

  “Y’know. You guys?”

  I was met with a deeper frown. “You’re gonna have to break it down for me. It was a long flight. Economy class of all the horrors.” Her teasing wink eased some of the tension tying my neck muscles in knots.

  “Your relationship,” I clarified. “It’s not like he told me you two were serious now. I don’t blame him—after the way I ended it, why would he—but that’s my point, we aren’t in that space with each other anymore.” When Hayley stared on with a blank expression on her face I realised I’d probably overstepped. “I mean, I know it’s not my business anymore. I suppose it was inevitable for you guys to fall in love after pretending to be in love for so long.” I chewed the side of my nail to stop myself from blabbering anymore and making this moment even more awkward than it already was.

  Hayley’s eyes were blinking like strobe lights. “You think Kevin and I are a couple?”

  I stared at her. God, was she going to make me say that all again? I realised I’d waffled on at a mile a minute, but surely I hadn’t been that incoherent.

  “Well, yes. You’re here with him, aren’t you?”

  “I’m here with him because he needed me. We’re not a couple.”

  I stared out the window at the White Stinkwood tree I could just, just see through my third-story window. There was no breeze blowing through the leaves and I wondered if the tree felt as suffocated in the heat as I did in this room.

  “Neither were we.” I hadn’t realised I’d said this out loud until Hayley’s brow creased and she tilted her head in confusion.

  “Oh!” Hayley drew out the word. “No, Claire, it isn’t like that with us.” She squeezed my arm. “You know it was all a farce. Why would you think…?” Realisation dawned when I didn’t say anything. She smiled kindly at me. “When I said he didn’t give me time to pack you assumed…Shit, I’m sorry. Sometimes I don’t think. Kevin wasn’t with me because we’re together. He was with me because—”

  I held up my hand, cutting her off. She didn’t owe me an explanation. “It doesn’t matter.” I shifted in the bed, the movement pulling my incision site a little. “We weren’t a thing. Never were, never will be.”

  Hayley nodded her head and reached out to grab my hand. “You’re right, you weren’t a ‘thing’”. You were so much more than a thing. It’s just that neither of you were ready to admit it. Claire, I’m going to overstep here and Kevin is gonna kill me for telling you this, but he’s a wreck. Has been since you left him.”

  Guilt washed through me. I knew I’d hurt him when I left. More so when I’d shut him out of my life but I had to for self-preservation. Spending day in and day out hoping I’d eventually stop wishing things could be different between us and accepting we would only ever just be friends wasn’t healthy. Eventually I had to make a decision and as much as it killed me, distancing myself from Kevin had been the best thing for me. Likely the best thing for both of us.

  “Can I ask you a personal question? You can tell me to mind my own business. I won’t be offended.” Hayley looked at me with such genuine concern I found myself nodding my head.

  “Why did you leave him?”

  Okay, so when she said personal question she really meant personal question.

  “I, uh.” Did I really want to admit all this to Hayley Stephens? I hardly wanted to admit it to myself. But the way she smiled at me, her face full of understanding and empathy, had the words spewing from my mouth before I gave them any more thought.

  “Because he couldn’t be who I needed him to be.”

  “And what was that?” she asked gently.

  “Mine.” My chest constricted at my admission.

  Hayley moved the gift bag out the way and scooted a little bit closer and clasped my hand a little tighter.

  “Claire, Kevin was there for me during the most trying time of my life. When you and I first spoke, I told you that you get used to this lifestyle, but the truth is you never do.” She shrugged and tucked her hair behind her ear, the art on her arms distracting me but not before I caught the flash of pain in her eyes. “Kevin swooped in and offered me a lifeline when I was drowning. But he was also trying to save you. After the paparazzi incident at the track, he wanted to protect you from the press scrutiny. Us being a thing was supposed to protect you. Not hurt you.” Hayley twisted the satin handles of the gift bag around her finger, staring at the smooth ribbons she sighed. “Unfortunately, that all backfired.”

  I swallowed, remembering the fear and humiliation the night Bruce broke into our room.

  “After what happened at the hotel he was really freaked out. I mean really freaked out.” She smiled sheepishly. “But obviously you know that or he wouldn’t’ve had a bodyguard on you for days.”

  I think Hayley’s first clue that I didn’t in fact know was the colour draining from my face. The second clue came when I shifted to the edge of the bed and swung my feet to the floor. “He did what?”

  “Oh, shit! You didn’t know. Shit! Shit! Shit!” Hayley hopped off the bed. “I thought you knew. I’m so sorry.” She grabbed my arm.

  I reached for my gown draped over the bottom of the bed and shoved my arms into the sleeves. Looking around for my slippers I found them tucked neatly next to the bed where Kim had no doubt placed them.

  “You shouldn’t be up. Claire, please get back into bed. You shouldn’t be up,” she repeated, worry stamped across her features. I wanted to march right out the door to give Kevin a piece of my mind but aside from the fact that I could only manage a deliberate walk, seeing Hayley so upset gave me pause. I turned back and pulled her into a quick hug. “Thank you for telling me and thank you for looking out for Kevin, but I really need to speak to him.”

  She nodded her head in understanding. “He…” I swear it looked like she wanted to clamp a hand over her mouth but instead she waved me off. “Never mind.”

  Too mad to give her words more thought, I made my way down the hallway to the secured doors leading out of the maternity ward. As I rounded the corner to the coffee lounge I stopped, surprised to see Kevin sitting in one of the beige chairs, cupping the mug in both hands and staring unseeing at the black liquid.

  I’m not sure why I hadn’t expected Kevin to be there. I guess I thought he’d be more comfortable in the canteen where he could sit quietly in a back booth and go unnoticed. A proud new mom walked by with her baby in the clear hospital basinets, swaddled tightly in pink. She smiled tiredly at me and then flicked her eyes to her baby. I realised if there was any place for Kevin to remain anonymous it was in a place filled with people too tired and too distracted with baby-love to give anyone else more than a fleeting glance.

  It was only when I was standing right in front of him that he looked up.

  “What the hell are you doing out of bed?”

  “I had a baby, Kevin. I’m not dying.” He grabbed my elbow and started leading me towards my room. I pulled my arm from his grasp. “You had a bodyguard on me?” I didn’t waste time and was proud the question came out calm.

  I tightened the belt around my waist, folding my arms under my overfull breasts—the pills they gave me to stop producing milk hadn’t started working yet. “Is it true? Did you have someone watching m
e?”

  He didn’t let my elbow go and started leading me from the lounge area. “We’ll talk about this when you get back in bed.”

  I pulled my arm out of his grasp. “No, Kev. I want to know now.”

  “Claire. You’ve just had surgery. This can wait.” His mouth pulled into a hard line, his eyes cold.

  “Is this another thing you want to control? When we talk and when we don’t?”

  Okay, my mistake, now his eyes were frigid. “No, Claire. That’s what you do.”

  I stared at him in disbelief, blood rushing to my ears as I went from pissed to damn near manic, my voice barely a whisper. “That is not fair.”

  “No, I guess not. But neither was what you did.”

  I needed to sit down. Pain radiated through me and I couldn’t tell where it was coming from. If I had to guess, it had nothing to do with my surgery. I lowered myself into the seat and Kevin’s eyes softened.

  “Look, Claire. We both did what we had to do.”

  “It’s not the same thing and you know it.”

  Kevin sat opposite me and took a sip from his tepid coffee. “No, I honestly don’t know anything, Claire. One minute we were happy and the next you were leaving me. I tried to give you your space, but all that space did was allow you to push me further away.” He placed the cup on the table again and stared unseeing at the framed picture of lilies on the opposite wall.

  “I didn’t have a choice.” My words were mere whispers that I could barely hear but Kevin turned to look at me.

  “You had a choice, Claire. You had a baby for fuck’s sake and I only heard about it when you were in labour. You cut me right out of your life.”

  The pain in his voice had tears tightening the back of my throat. I moved to the seat next to him, wanting more than anything to reach for his hand but resisting.

  “I’m so sorry I hurt you, Kev. Sorrier than you’ll ever know but I couldn’t go back to being your fuck buddy.”

  Kevin stood so suddenly he missed the coffee table by millimetres. I sat motionless, as I watched the muscles on his forearms standing out in stark relief as he balled and un-balled his hands at his sides.