Starting Fires

by Makenzie Smith

  On the anniversary of their death, Charles asked if I wanted to do anything special to remember them. I didn’t know. Part of me wanted to act as if it was any other day. The other part couldn’t think of anything worthy of their remembrance.

  We settled for having a small fire at dusk. It was only the two of us in the backyard, silent as we watched the flames slowly burn the wood. As the last bits of ember were going out, I realized that tears were streaming down my face, and didn’t know how long I’d been crying. Maybe the entire time. I didn’t ask. And Charles didn’t mention it.

  The next day, I was in the kitchen with all four of the guys. Wally had made dinner to celebrate his final jump for his next skydiving license. I hadn’t even known he was attempting it. His food was some type of casserole and was delicious. He’d looked so proud as he pulled it out of the oven. Even if it hadn’t been good, I wouldn’t have said anything.

  “You coming with me to my mom and dad’s for Christmas, Bird?” Charles asked as we ate.

  I hadn’t expected him to offer and it caught me off guard. “Are your brothers going to be there?”

  “Just Gus. He’s bringing his kids. Mom and dad wouldn’t mind.”

  The idea made me uncomfortable, but it would be better than being at home alone all day since Wally had plans, too. “Let me think about it,” I said.

  Later, Lucas and I were in my room. I was naked and under the covers, watching him put on his jeans. As he fastened them, I admired his bare stomach and chest. His eyes cut to me and he gave me an amused smile. Not caring that he knew I thought he was gorgeous, I sighed and nestled my head into my pillow.

  “You know,” he said. “You could come with me to my parent’s for Christmas. They wouldn’t mind.” My body tensed. I definitely hadn’t expected him to offer.

  He laughed and moved to lie next to me. “Get that freaked out look off your face. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. You’ve already met my dad and sister. They like you. My mom will too, and she wouldn’t want me to let a friend be alone on Christmas.”

  Friend. This was more about taking pity on me than a declaration of something more serious. I didn’t like that either. This sucked. Everyone felt like they had to take care of me because I was going to be all alone again. My dad was such an ass. I wouldn’t be dealing with this if he’d kept our plans. Sighing, I rolled to my back and looked at the ceiling, unsure if it was a good idea.

  Lucas put his hand on my stomach and leaned a little closer to me. “If that makes you uncomfortable, I get it.” My eyes went to his. He was waiting for me to reply. I wasn’t sure what to do here. Would it be better to go with Charles or Lucas? Which awkwardness would I rather suffer? When he started rubbing my stomach, I realized I wanted to go with him—not because I thought it would be less uncomfortable, I knew it would be more. But because I wanted to spend time with him.

  “Do you want me to go?” I asked.

  After a few seconds of silence, he swallowed and said, “Yes.”

  “Okay. I will.”

  Christmas morning I stood in my closet obsessing over what to wear again, worried about what his mom would think of me. With ten minutes to spare, I huffed and pulled some jeans and a button up top off their hangers. It wasn’t dressy by any means, but I was tired of staring at my clothes.

  The entire ride to his parents I was incredibly nervous and let Lucas do the talking. He told me that his family was glad to have me over. He mentioned having to hire a new bartender because Kate was having personal problems and Tammy was “unreliable as shit.” He said that his sister knew someone who worked at an accounting firm in the area and could probably get me an internship. I was too busy freaking out to hear anything else. Was it okay for me to be affectionate with him in front of them? What if they asked if I was his girlfriend? What did I say? Were they going to ask me about my family and why I wasn’t with them? I didn’t want to talk about them. Lucas must have sensed my nervousness, because he fell silent.

  Thirty minutes later, we pulled into his parents’ driveway. Their house had a big porch that spread across the entire length with plants hanging from its ceiling. It was set back from the road, and I could see a Christmas tree in the front window, its lights blinking.

  As I got out of the car, I wiped my sweaty hands along my pants. The knot in my throat grew with every forward step. Once we reached the porch, the front door flew open and a woman walked out. She was a little heavy-set, and had on an apron. Her hair was slightly curly and pulled back into a bun. With big, bright eyes, she came towards us.

  “You must be Marlowe!” she said, wrapping me in a hug. “It’s so good to finally meet you.” Her arm came around my shoulder as she led me into the house. “Mia and William have told me so much about you. I’m Helen, Lucas’ mom. Now, darling, you’ll have to forgive the mess.” The house was spotless. “William had some of his buddies over last night and they tore through here like… William!” She let me go and walked to the end of a hallway. “William! Mia! Lucas and Marlowe are here!”

  “Who cares?” I heard Mia yell from down the hall.

  “Mia Lucille! Stop showing your butt and get in here this instant.” Mia groaned dramatically, but did as she was told. Over my shoulder, Lucas was leaning against the couch, smiling at me.

  Mia came in, looking incredibly put out. “Hey Lucas. Hey Marlowe,” she said, plopping down onto a love seat.

  “Hey,” I said.

  His dad came in next, wearing a big grin. “Marlowe! Nice to see you again.” He gave me a side hug, squeezing my shoulders. “Lucas isn’t giving you any trouble is he?” I laughed like a nervous idiot. “He better not be,” he said, throwing the words in his direction.

  When he let me go to talk his son, his mother came back to me. “Now, it’s early. We usually have a light Christmas lunch and then a big dinner. Have you eaten yet?” I shook my head. She pursed her lips, moving her head from side to side. “That boy. He knew we wouldn’t be eating ‘til later. Come on, sweetie. I’ll get you something to hold you over.” Steadily talking, she pulled some eggs out of the fridge. “Mia tells me that you’re from New York. I’ve never been myself, but I hear that it’s a beautiful place. Especially at Christmas time. Scrambled or Fried?”

  “Whatever’s easiest,” I said.

  She started scrambling them as she continued. “I have a cousin who went up there a few years back. He seemed to really like it. People always talk about how rude everyone in New York can be, but he said they were all really nice. And you’re nice. So I guess that proves that you shouldn’t listen to what people say. I haven’t really had the chance to travel much, but if I could I think I’d like to see it at least once.” She pulled a plate out, and dumped the eggs onto it. After grabbing a fork, she led me over to a stool by their bar. “Eat up, sweetie.” I received a kind pat on the back before she walked off.

  Honestly, I wasn’t even hungry. Breakfast wasn’t usually a meal I indulged in. I’m sure whatever she had planned would fill me up just fine. But not wanting to be rude, I took a bite.

  As I chewed, I processed everything that had happened since I walked in the door. I’d barely spoken and they were pulling me into their family as if it wasn’t a big deal at all. They even seemed excited to see me. Warmth flowed through me as I realized I’d never felt more welcome in a foreign place.

  Lucas walked in and leaned against the counter. He took the fork out of my hand, and helped himself. “She didn’t ask if I was hungry,” he said around a mouthful of food. “I didn’t eat anything either.”

  “Well, I guess she thought you should know better,” I smiled and jerked the fork back. We were both grinning at each other when his mom popped her head in.

  “We’re going to be opening presents soon,” she said.

  “Alright. Be there in a bit,” Lucas said. Just before she ducked out of the room, a heartfelt smile passed over her face as she eyed us, and I wondered what she’d been told about our relationship.

  After the
eggs were consumed, I followed him into the living room. It made me a little uncomfortable when they started handing out presents. This felt like something private. It must feel weird to have a stranger in your home on Christmas morning—especially since I would just be sitting here, watching them while they opened their gifts.

  As Mia continued passing out presents from under the tree, Lucas handed me a small box. The tag said ‘For: Marzy.’ My finger rubbed along it. “But I didn’t get you anything,” I said quietly.

  He shrugged. “I saw it the other day and thought you might like it.”

  While I was trying to decide how this made me feel, Mia dropped three more boxes into my lap. “Merry Christmas, Marlowe,” she smiled.

  This was a little overwhelming, and I felt embarrassed that I hadn’t even considered getting them anything. In my pathetic defense, I hadn’t thought that they would have considered it either. They didn’t even know me, and I was freeloading on their Christmas. “I… I wish I’d known. I would have –”

  “Don’t you fret about it, darling,” his mother said. “You don’t give gifts on Christmas just so you can receive them. Now open up.”

  Since I was still holding Lucas’ gift, I started with that one. Inside the small box was a thick ring that fit on my middle finger. The band was silver and had black Celtic etchings engraved into it. It was beautiful, and exactly the type of thing I would wear. He had to have surveyed my jewelry collection. As I went to thank him, I noticed that everyone was staring at us, but as I looked at them, immediately began opening their presents.

  “I love it,” I whispered.

  He rubbed his mouth to hide a smile. “Good,” he said through his fingers. Biting my lip, I gave the ring a rub before I went to open the next one. It was from Mia. She’d given me a gift card to a shoe store. I thanked her and thought about what I would buy. My sneakers were ratty. A new pair would be awesome.

  His father gave me a high-powered flashlight. When he saw me holding it, he said, “Everyone can use a flashlight, especially in their car. I bet you don’t have one in there do you?” Smiling, I shook my head. “Girls these days,” he continued, looking disappointed. “Promise me you’ll put that in there. Never know when you’ll need it. Mia here has two.” She looked at me and nodded her head, cutting her eyes to her dad, telling me that it was all his idea.

  “I promise,” I said and would.

  As I opened the last present, the one that I assumed was from his mother, I realized that family had a sound. It was the genuine laughter and open conversation. The familiar way you talked to one another. The playful ribbing and joking. And in this moment, I was overcome with it. It permeated all my senses, and made me long to have my own back.

  I lifted the lid and a new wave of emotion overcame me. Inside was a scarf. I never wore scarves. Ever. They cut me at the neck and made me feel like someone was trying to hang me. I was constantly pushing them out of my way, and never felt that I successfully pulled the look off. Maybe I just never wore them right. The scarf itself was lovely, but I still knew that I would never put it on. It was useless. Just like the gifts from my own mother. Completely useless.

  It was so easy to imagine that my mother had been the one to give me this. The material was between my fingers, and I rubbed it gingerly. All of it became too much for me.

  “You okay?” Lucas whispered.

  My eyes felt hot and I knew that tears were pooling in them. Trying to smile, I looked at him. “I’m fine,” I choked out. “Excuse me for just a second.”

  Not wanting to break down in their living room, I went for the hallway and spotted a bathroom. I ducked in and shut the door behind me. A minute or two had passed when there was a knock on the door. I took a breath and wiped under my eyes. “Be out in a minute,” I said, sounding strained.

  “It’s me,” I heard Lucas say on the other side. “Mind if I come in?”

  I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to see me like this. Or explain to him why I was like this. But I also didn’t want to be alone. Decision made, I unlocked the door, and he slowly opened it, slipping in. Before he had a chance to say anything, I wrapped my arms around him and cried into his chest. He leaned up against the door and held me, gently rubbing my head and back.

  “It’s okay,” he said.

  I gave him a squeeze and looked up into his eyes. “I hate scarves,” I said though my tears. “I never wear them.”

  Confused, he said, “Baby, you don’t have to,” with sincerity. It had to sound ridiculous. Why would any sane person be crying this badly about something so mundane? They wouldn’t.

  Closing my eyes, I shook my head. “It’s not that.” Without having to look in a mirror, I knew my face looked pathetic, all scrunched up and blotchy. To hide it, I buried it in his chest again.

  “Do you want to tell me?”

  “My mom,” I croaked. “My mom used to…” the words were lost as my breath hitched.

  “That’s alright. I get it.” His fingers were playing with my hair and his other hand was softly rubbing my back as I wept into his shirt. “You don’t have to tell me anymore.”

  My tears finally slowed, and I hugged him tightly. Gradually, I pulled away from him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose it like that.”

  “No need to apologize,” he said wiping away tears that lingered on my cheeks. “Take all the time you need. Nobody knew you were crying but me. I’ll tell them you aren’t feeling well. Okay?” He cradled my face and I nodded.

  Gently, he pressed his lips to mine. When he ended it and started to move away, I gripped his shirt, bringing my mouth back to his.

  This time he didn’t pull away until I did.

  Chapter 17

  Everyone acted as if nothing had happened when I returned. We ate a small lunch and watched movies for the rest of the day. Most of my time was spent with Mia or his mother, while his was with his father. At around 4 p.m., he saw me sitting alone on the couch and eased down next to me. Even though there was plenty of room, he settled in close, so when his mother walked in and said, “The Wilsons will be here in about an hour,” it was hard to ignore the tightening of his body.

  He jerked his head in her direction. “The Wilsons are coming?”

  “Yeah, should be here around 5. Just in time for dinner.”

  For a moment, he didn’t do anything but stare at her, but then he abruptly stood. “I need to talk to you,” he said, motioning her into a room.

  I fiddled with my new ring while they were gone, wondering what they were talking about. Finally, his mother came out, looking at me with something like sympathy. My brow curled in confusion. Lucas emerged next and rubbed his hand through his hair. Without looking at me, he walked over to the couch and sat with a huff.

  “Candace is a Wilson,” he told me.

  My stomach dropped, a sick feeling rising up my neck, but I tried not to let it show. When he didn’t speak and I didn’t speak, and the stretch of tension became too much for me, I said, “Should I leave?”

  “Do you want to?”

  “Do you want me to?”

  He looked at me, his lip working between his teeth. “No,” he finally said.

  “Then I’ll stay. I just… won’t say anything to her.”

  For the first time that day, he touched me in clear view of everyone. It was only a squeeze of my hand, and over before anybody could have seen it, but I appreciated it.

  Over the next hour, I felt my heart rate increase with every minute that ticked by. Did she know I was here? Was she going to make a scene? What did his family think of her? Did they want them to be together and look at me as hitch in that plan? I didn’t know. They seemed happy that I was here with him, but they’d been friends with her family a long time, so it was possible.

  A large SUV pulled into the drive, and Mia came up beside me. “Put on a big smile and don’t let her get to you. Trust me, she’ll try.”

  Helen and William went out to greet them. Through the window in the living room, I
saw Candace’s blonde locks come out of the back of the car. She smiled when she saw them and gave them tight hugs. Lucas was standing on the other side of the living room, putting distance between us, and I wondered if it was intentional. Was he trying to tell Candace ‘See we aren’t together. I’m over here and she’s way over there’?

  Candace made her entrance with a big boisterous, “Hello Burns’!” but her smile immediately fell when she saw me. “What the fu-”

  “Candace!” Mia yelled with enthusiasm. “It’s so good to see you.” She walked up to her and gave her a squeeze. “I want to show you some of my new clothes.” Mia began leading her out of the room, but Candace’s death glare never left me. I’m surprised she didn’t bring a finger to her neck and slice it across the length. Her parents also looked surprised by my presence.

  “You must be one of Mia’s friends,” Candace’s mother said to me. Of course. How could I possibly be here with Lucas? But since he didn’t correct her, neither did I. “I’m Linda. This is my husband Scott.”

  “Marlowe,” I smiled and shook her hand. They didn’t speak more to me and walked over to Lucas. To distract myself, I went into the kitchen to see if Helen needed help. Everything was finished cooking, but she had me add serving spoons to the various dishes. Just as I was done, she announced to the house that dinner was ready. Everyone gradually piled into the kitchen, forming a line for the food. I went to the back and swallowed the lump in my throat. Lucas noticed and came to stand behind me. Candace saw him move and narrowed her eyes, but thankfully didn’t say anything.

  I put a little of everything on my plate and was ready to be done with this. The day had been awesome, but this was ruining it. Since we were the last ones in the line, we were also the last to take a seat at the table. Two were open. Between Candace and Lucas’ dad.

  Lucas headed for table first and hesitated. Either he put me by his dad, but then he would be sitting by her. Or I sat by her. While he tried to decide, I made the decision for him and took the seat next to good ole Bill. He smiled kindly when I put my plate down, and Candace practically gleamed as Lucas sat next to her. With discretion, he scooted his chair closer to me, and I smiled to myself.